Well, that was nice and warm and cuddly and full of ... tripe, wasn't it? I'm wondering when EastEnders is going to have a character-free episode, and we'll be presented with a screenfull of wet paint, which we'll have to sit and watch dry for 30 minutes.
Still, for some people, that's just as good as the show itself ... hyuck hyuck LOL LOL LOL ... yes, the abominably pestiferous xTonix, this is for you ...
TPTB should know by now that whenever an episode heavily features yoof, it's a big turn-off for most people. But since I imagine that the current regime at EastEnders is aiming this crap they churn out at some sort of demographic who've only watched the show since 2006 or that part of the viewing audience who sits around, biting nails, badgering writers on Twitter and making up fantasy items about Phil and Shirley or illogical trolls who reckon that Alfie is an adulterer and Michael Moon a tragic saint ...
... then I imagine those people responsible for this detritus masquerading as drama are pretty chuffed at attracting the short attention spans of the lowest common denominator of viewer.
OK, already we've had to suffer the rantings of someone on Digital Spy who was determined that Sharon would turn out to be Cora the Bora's daughter; now we've been presented with a thread on that selfsame forum opining that Michael Caine could make a few guest appearances as ... wait for it ... Alfie's dad.
That's actually not such a bad idea, except that Alfie's father is dead and has been dead for about 25 years. In fact, that was a well-established part of Alfie Moon's backstory, which was referenced several times during Alfie's first stint.
Let's re-cap:
Alfie has a younger brother named Spencer, who - this time around - never gets mentioned. Spencer is 20 years younger than Alfie. When Spencer was about three years old, Alfie's parents were killed in a car accident, on Shrove Tuesday. In fact, it was the eve of Alfie emigrating to the United States, having secured a job and a Green Card. Nana Moon mistook salt for sugar and put salt on the pancakes. And then they got word about the crash. Alfie didn't go to the States, he stayed to look after Spencer and Nana, and the Moons always have salted pancakes for Shrove Tuesday in remembrance, something else that's gone by the wayside this time around.
But, as someone else said on Digital Spy, this is the new, all-singing all-dancing EastEnders, where facts and backgrounds change from episode to episode, from writer to writer. The past doesn't matter. To paraphrase William Faulkner (Google him, dumbasses), the past isn't even the past ... because there is no past in EastEnders. It's whatever whatever writer wants to make it in order to suit the storyline at hand. Retcon is a way of life on the show now.
Tonight's EastEnders has a touch of the Eastern about it - Eastern European, East End culture and Eastern as in Chinese ... as in Sun Tzu, the author of The Art of War. Michael ended the show with a quotation from this martial author, much the same way Jack began his tenure on the show almost six years ago when he arrived.
The show's plumbing the depths so a little Flower Drum Song hoping for a miracle wouldn't go amiss ...
Oo-er, illegal immigrants and all ... well, one hundred million miracles is something EastEnders desperately needs at the moment, otherwise it really will suffer China Syndrome, and fall through the centre of its universe.
Never Smile at a Crocodile (Especially if Your Teeth Don't Fit).
Jasmyn Banks has a dream. She wants to conquer Hollywood. Gee, maybe she can stay with Sid Owen whilst she's there. He's trying to crack Hollywood too. Jasmyn's so determined, she's gone out, taken our licence fee money and bought herself a whole new set of bright shiny gnoshers. Because, according to Jasmyn, big white teeth are all that matter in Hollywood.
Well, not exactly.
The problem with Jasmyn's different sort of prosthesis (she gets veneers when someone like Jac Jossa opts for the boob job) is that the teeth just ... don't fit. It looks as though she's inherited the late Richard Briers's set of false teeth and it's damned noticeable.
Someone needs to sit her (and the painfully retarded Katshit) down and explain to them in words of one syllable or less exactly what a psychopath is.
Fatboy knows. Even Poopy the Dim knows. They wouldn't touch or approach Michael Moon with a barge pole. Fatboy even refers to him as "psycho."
I call Poppy "Poopy the Dim," but actually Alice is dumber. She's lucky she didn't get ripped a new arsehole and have it handed to her on a plate by Janine. What right does she have to approach this woman and tell her she has no "right" to keep Scarlett from her father. Alice knows absolutely nothing about what happened between Janine and Michael. She was too far up Derek's arse last summer to even be aware of the trauma and controversy surrounding Janine's wedding to Michael. I doubt she was even aware of his relentless scamming of Jean,
Janine spent he last few weeks of her pregnancy being baited and bothered by the likes of Jean, Cora and Rose Cotton. She was accused of manipulating Jean, she was told her child wouldn't be loved, and she was even threatened on two occasions by Cora for no reason at all. When she was recovering from childbirth and had only brought Scarlett home, Kat told her that Michael had confessed to Kat that he loved neither Janine nor the baby. And still, she's having to deal with people who have absolutely nothing to do with this situation telling her what and how she should do and accusing her of being the villain of the piece, when they don't know the half of it, and when a numptie like Alice doesn't even know Janine personally.
Maybe Alice should talk to Whitney Dean, who could tell her pretty accurately how Janine was left to cope with Scarlett 24/7 alone, whilst Michael gadded about looking for ways to enjoy her fortune. Maybe Whitney could tell Alice about how she was sent to look for Michael because he hadn't shown up for a meeting with the paediatric consultant, only to find him stuffing his bags with money and ready to scarper. Maybe Whitney could tell her about how Michael undermined and baited Janine in the aftermath of Scarlett's birth when she brought the child home.
That was a rank and ignorant remark to make, and I'm glad that Janine used it to her advantage. It gave her ammunition. Michael had to undergo a VAT review, something Jack would normally have done; and she knew that Michael would be under pressure because whatever he did, he couldnt' really cook the books the way Jack could. Another psychopathic trait: he's easily bored and can't effectively put together something as mundane as a VAT review. Whereas Jack would dot every i and cross every t, Michael is shoddy; and he's even more distracted by Janine showing up with Scarlett. Once again, Scarlett's only just become an object of interest since Janine's returned and threatened to take away Michael's means of a manipulative meal ticket. Three weeks ago, he was referring to her as "the child."
Now "the girl" has gone and got his personal business in a bit between her extensive teeth and fucked the situation up for Michael yet again.
But kudos to Fatboy and Poopy the Dim for having enough nous to know that Michael isn't the sort of person with whom Alice should get emotionally involved - not that Tamwar is either, but at least he's empathetic. Look, when a couple of bubbles like Arthur and Poppy know exactly what Michael is all about, then someone like Alice should have enough common sense to step back.
Another div in this situation is Katshit the Retarded Slut. Her motive is simply to deprive Janine again of a person whom she loves. She has no interest in Scarlett, and Michael has no interest in her or any help she could offer. His enigmatic quotation from Sun Tzu should have sent chills down her spine and softened the hardest heart toward what Janine might face. Psychopaths on a rampage aren't pleasant things. People could get killed. Stop thinking that Michael will kill himself. He doesn't identify with his mother in that respect, although he has rage for her actions. If he attempts to kill anyone, it will be Janine ... or Scarlett.
Chew on that bit of fat, Michael-shippers.
But, since EastEnders seems to be catering for the children's hour these days, perhaps this bit of wisdom might be heeded:-
The Eternal Triangle of Boredom
People keep talking about Shirley moving on. Shirley is a good example of why when a character finishes a major romance or a major alpha couple is split, someone has to leave the Square. Shirley keeps popping up in Phil's face, but Kat's increasingly expanding arse is planted firmly right outside Alfie's front door.
He's supposed to be with Roxy now, moving on; yet he tiptoes on eggshells around Kat, honing everything for her approval. Of course, Roxy's insecure. She's as insecure as Kirsty is with Tanya on the Square; and even though Kirsty is married to Max, there's no security in that as long as the ex, who's the mother of his kids, is about.
This is why Kirsty is lying about her pregnancy, and it's why Roxy is wanting to have Alfie's baby. A child, both women think, would cement their relationships with the men they love.
So now poor, pitiful Kat is upset. She's upset because she now knows that Alfie and Roxy are planning a family, which really isn't any more her business than Kirsty's pregnancy is Tanya's. Kat blotted her copybook with Alfie on more than one occasion, and it's even big of her to assume, in her "counselling" of Kirsty to tell the truth, that - had she told the truth about who Shaggerman was - Alfie would have "understood."
(Oh, you've been fucking Derek, 'ave you, Kat? Oh, well, that's all right then, I mean, 'e is a mate, after all.)
I can understand Alfie's reluctance to broadcast the fact that he and Roxy are trying for a baby. That's normally not something that's broadcast until the result has been achieved, but Roxy's insecure, and broadcasting the fact would stake her claim even more firmly on Alfie and show his commitment. Alfie is too nice. He's fond of Roxy, and he doesn't want to hurt her; but he's not keen on a child, which is why he's pussyfooting around Kat and not wanting to "hurt" her.
WTF?
She deserves hurt, after all the shit she's dished him over the years and not thought twice about it. Were I he, I would have served this one up with ice cream and shoved it in her foul mouth. And for all her protests, Alfie knows that Kat is hurt by this.
And so the kabuki dance continues:-
So now we set up a contrived occurrence, where Kat witnesses Roxy under pressure at the packed pub and the wicked evil Polish builders standing nearby, waiting to pounce on the till.
(You must realise that, in EastEndersLand, all Polish women are carers and all Polish men are rough and ready - and dishonest - builders. In a couple of weeks' time, EastEnders will be doing a PR job for Nigel Farage and UKIP).
So Josef the stereotypical Polish builder is desperate for cash (and probably something else). Kat's sat all afternoon at the bar of the Vic (which, in her retarded, narcissistic mind was once her pub and never the Mitchells') instead of tending her flagging stall, offering advice in a way that's bound to undermine Roxy's own fragile sense of security. All nicely set up so Saint Kat can put her personal feelings aside and come to Roxy's rescue.
Please. Spare us this shit. The reconstruction and "repair" of Kat has been nothing more than force-feeding the viewing public a character we're told to like who was irreparably damaged by TPTB, themselves, and on whose destruction, Newman, as Series Producer, signed off. Just setting the clock back to Kat ca 2000 isn't any sort of character progression. You can't regress a fortysomething woman to the irresponsible point where she was twelve years ago. Kat's so-called "journey of re-discovery" has proven that she's a narcissist, an eternal victim, a shirker of responsibility, a bully, a blackmailer and a bitch.
And we're asked to like this person?
Mutton Dressed as Lamb.
Carol in that outfit.
You're joking, right? She looked as if she were melted and poured into that more than revealing sheer top. It showed all the wrong type of skin in all the wrong places. She was right to decide against wearing it.
As for her and Bianca, does Pete Lawson, the writer of this piece, not realise that Ian is Bianca's fucking uncle? She refers to Ian as a "former colleague." Bianca, under any other writer, wouldn't have been too nice to reference that Ian was family and that he owed it to his niece to give her that job. Beale would more often than not like to forget that Bianca is the Beales' village idiot, just as Max and his lot would like to forget she's also the Brannings' village idiot also, but kin they are and kin they should remain.
And when, pray tell, is Janine going to get around visiting her only remaining relatives in the Square - sorry, Le Square.
Really, Lindsey Coulson deserves better.
The Overpreponderance of Aimless Youth
Both of the Branning girls need to go. They've overstayed their welcome, and they both stink. Literally.
Abi is the lesser of two evils, but Lorna Fitzgerald is increasingly annoying. If I hear Abi say how difficult it is to study for exams, when all she's done for weeks is shirk about and mooch and moon over Jay, I'll go mad.
Abi has completely de-balled Jay, and this emasculisation has been completed by the inarticulate and completely token Dexter the Little Cock ...
Jay has now become a wet noodle version of Jamie Mitchell. And what a way to celebrate getting your baby back as an unfit teenaged mother than to take her on a camping holiday with someone you can't begin to understand and two idiots suffering from terminal headuparseitis.
Abi is only attracted to whatever it is Jay can buy for her, wherever it is he can take her, however much money he can spend on her. She's an ungrateful little bitch. And entitled.
As bad as the awful episode where she intoned that she, Jay and Lola were "the future of Albert Square," we have this choice morsel to remember, when Abi demanded Jay buy her shoes her mother wouldn't.
As for Lauren ... at last Max has twigged that she's only hitting on him for fifty quid because she's wanting a drink. Let's shout it out ... Lauren is an alcoholic.
Because she is. As is her mother and her putrid grandmother. And her aunt. Give the Magic Negro a few months, and she'll be bonding over drunkenness with her new-found family too. It's in the genes. Just as Tanya uses any excuse to drink, so does Lauren.
The non-story about Ian's quest for a waitress for his restaurant was, yet another, example of Lorraine Newman's warmth and friendship served up with a bland helping of nothing. We got reminded of Tyler's and Whitney's impending big fat gypsy wedding ...
Here's a sample of some of their music.
Maybe if they have the wedding, Twitney can leave, for good, in a painted wagon.
We got to hear more of Poopy the Dim's witless witterings that someone (not the audience, but someone in the writing room) must think are utterly charming.
And in the end, we got warmth and friendship prevailing when the selfless Whitney steps aside to allow Lauren to get the coveted job as waitress at minimum wage in Ian's restaurant. Just don't go giving her the key to the drinks' cabinet.
And we got a hattrick of intelligible dialogue tonight, with Cock, Tyler and Joey all having a line or two to say which we didn't understand.
The High Point.
Dot. And her scene with Max. Even if it's all based on an unknown lie, it was nice to see Dot reference both Bradley and Jim. And it was even better in an earlier scene to hear her disparage the Branning men. The sooner she's away from that set-up, the better.
This show is on a hiding to nothing and really needs - dare I say it? - sorting out.
EastEnders is like chop suey ... all mixed up.
Update: Numpties, Michael is a psychopath. Psychopaths rarely kill themselves intentionally. They love themselves too much and are too narcissistic. Although Michael's mother did the deed, she did it accidentally. Her suicide attempts were part of the narcissistic nature of her psychopathy and were a means of controlling Eddie.
If anything, psychopaths are quite capable of killing others, because they feel nothing for other people. Thus, rather than kill himself, Michael is more apt to try to kill Janine or Scarlett ... or both. Then asshat Michael-shippers like Katshit and Alice will see that he really isn't a very nice or sympathetic man at all.
Man up.
Still, for some people, that's just as good as the show itself ... hyuck hyuck LOL LOL LOL ... yes, the abominably pestiferous xTonix, this is for you ...
TPTB should know by now that whenever an episode heavily features yoof, it's a big turn-off for most people. But since I imagine that the current regime at EastEnders is aiming this crap they churn out at some sort of demographic who've only watched the show since 2006 or that part of the viewing audience who sits around, biting nails, badgering writers on Twitter and making up fantasy items about Phil and Shirley or illogical trolls who reckon that Alfie is an adulterer and Michael Moon a tragic saint ...
OK, already we've had to suffer the rantings of someone on Digital Spy who was determined that Sharon would turn out to be Cora the Bora's daughter; now we've been presented with a thread on that selfsame forum opining that Michael Caine could make a few guest appearances as ... wait for it ... Alfie's dad.
That's actually not such a bad idea, except that Alfie's father is dead and has been dead for about 25 years. In fact, that was a well-established part of Alfie Moon's backstory, which was referenced several times during Alfie's first stint.
Let's re-cap:
Alfie has a younger brother named Spencer, who - this time around - never gets mentioned. Spencer is 20 years younger than Alfie. When Spencer was about three years old, Alfie's parents were killed in a car accident, on Shrove Tuesday. In fact, it was the eve of Alfie emigrating to the United States, having secured a job and a Green Card. Nana Moon mistook salt for sugar and put salt on the pancakes. And then they got word about the crash. Alfie didn't go to the States, he stayed to look after Spencer and Nana, and the Moons always have salted pancakes for Shrove Tuesday in remembrance, something else that's gone by the wayside this time around.
But, as someone else said on Digital Spy, this is the new, all-singing all-dancing EastEnders, where facts and backgrounds change from episode to episode, from writer to writer. The past doesn't matter. To paraphrase William Faulkner (Google him, dumbasses), the past isn't even the past ... because there is no past in EastEnders. It's whatever whatever writer wants to make it in order to suit the storyline at hand. Retcon is a way of life on the show now.
Tonight's EastEnders has a touch of the Eastern about it - Eastern European, East End culture and Eastern as in Chinese ... as in Sun Tzu, the author of The Art of War. Michael ended the show with a quotation from this martial author, much the same way Jack began his tenure on the show almost six years ago when he arrived.
The show's plumbing the depths so a little Flower Drum Song hoping for a miracle wouldn't go amiss ...
Never Smile at a Crocodile (Especially if Your Teeth Don't Fit).
Jasmyn Banks has a dream. She wants to conquer Hollywood. Gee, maybe she can stay with Sid Owen whilst she's there. He's trying to crack Hollywood too. Jasmyn's so determined, she's gone out, taken our licence fee money and bought herself a whole new set of bright shiny gnoshers. Because, according to Jasmyn, big white teeth are all that matter in Hollywood.
Well, not exactly.
The problem with Jasmyn's different sort of prosthesis (she gets veneers when someone like Jac Jossa opts for the boob job) is that the teeth just ... don't fit. It looks as though she's inherited the late Richard Briers's set of false teeth and it's damned noticeable.
Someone needs to sit her (and the painfully retarded Katshit) down and explain to them in words of one syllable or less exactly what a psychopath is.
Fatboy knows. Even Poopy the Dim knows. They wouldn't touch or approach Michael Moon with a barge pole. Fatboy even refers to him as "psycho."
I call Poppy "Poopy the Dim," but actually Alice is dumber. She's lucky she didn't get ripped a new arsehole and have it handed to her on a plate by Janine. What right does she have to approach this woman and tell her she has no "right" to keep Scarlett from her father. Alice knows absolutely nothing about what happened between Janine and Michael. She was too far up Derek's arse last summer to even be aware of the trauma and controversy surrounding Janine's wedding to Michael. I doubt she was even aware of his relentless scamming of Jean,
Janine spent he last few weeks of her pregnancy being baited and bothered by the likes of Jean, Cora and Rose Cotton. She was accused of manipulating Jean, she was told her child wouldn't be loved, and she was even threatened on two occasions by Cora for no reason at all. When she was recovering from childbirth and had only brought Scarlett home, Kat told her that Michael had confessed to Kat that he loved neither Janine nor the baby. And still, she's having to deal with people who have absolutely nothing to do with this situation telling her what and how she should do and accusing her of being the villain of the piece, when they don't know the half of it, and when a numptie like Alice doesn't even know Janine personally.
Maybe Alice should talk to Whitney Dean, who could tell her pretty accurately how Janine was left to cope with Scarlett 24/7 alone, whilst Michael gadded about looking for ways to enjoy her fortune. Maybe Whitney could tell Alice about how she was sent to look for Michael because he hadn't shown up for a meeting with the paediatric consultant, only to find him stuffing his bags with money and ready to scarper. Maybe Whitney could tell her about how Michael undermined and baited Janine in the aftermath of Scarlett's birth when she brought the child home.
That was a rank and ignorant remark to make, and I'm glad that Janine used it to her advantage. It gave her ammunition. Michael had to undergo a VAT review, something Jack would normally have done; and she knew that Michael would be under pressure because whatever he did, he couldnt' really cook the books the way Jack could. Another psychopathic trait: he's easily bored and can't effectively put together something as mundane as a VAT review. Whereas Jack would dot every i and cross every t, Michael is shoddy; and he's even more distracted by Janine showing up with Scarlett. Once again, Scarlett's only just become an object of interest since Janine's returned and threatened to take away Michael's means of a manipulative meal ticket. Three weeks ago, he was referring to her as "the child."
Now "the girl" has gone and got his personal business in a bit between her extensive teeth and fucked the situation up for Michael yet again.
But kudos to Fatboy and Poopy the Dim for having enough nous to know that Michael isn't the sort of person with whom Alice should get emotionally involved - not that Tamwar is either, but at least he's empathetic. Look, when a couple of bubbles like Arthur and Poppy know exactly what Michael is all about, then someone like Alice should have enough common sense to step back.
Another div in this situation is Katshit the Retarded Slut. Her motive is simply to deprive Janine again of a person whom she loves. She has no interest in Scarlett, and Michael has no interest in her or any help she could offer. His enigmatic quotation from Sun Tzu should have sent chills down her spine and softened the hardest heart toward what Janine might face. Psychopaths on a rampage aren't pleasant things. People could get killed. Stop thinking that Michael will kill himself. He doesn't identify with his mother in that respect, although he has rage for her actions. If he attempts to kill anyone, it will be Janine ... or Scarlett.
Chew on that bit of fat, Michael-shippers.
But, since EastEnders seems to be catering for the children's hour these days, perhaps this bit of wisdom might be heeded:-
The Eternal Triangle of Boredom
People keep talking about Shirley moving on. Shirley is a good example of why when a character finishes a major romance or a major alpha couple is split, someone has to leave the Square. Shirley keeps popping up in Phil's face, but Kat's increasingly expanding arse is planted firmly right outside Alfie's front door.
He's supposed to be with Roxy now, moving on; yet he tiptoes on eggshells around Kat, honing everything for her approval. Of course, Roxy's insecure. She's as insecure as Kirsty is with Tanya on the Square; and even though Kirsty is married to Max, there's no security in that as long as the ex, who's the mother of his kids, is about.
This is why Kirsty is lying about her pregnancy, and it's why Roxy is wanting to have Alfie's baby. A child, both women think, would cement their relationships with the men they love.
So now poor, pitiful Kat is upset. She's upset because she now knows that Alfie and Roxy are planning a family, which really isn't any more her business than Kirsty's pregnancy is Tanya's. Kat blotted her copybook with Alfie on more than one occasion, and it's even big of her to assume, in her "counselling" of Kirsty to tell the truth, that - had she told the truth about who Shaggerman was - Alfie would have "understood."
(Oh, you've been fucking Derek, 'ave you, Kat? Oh, well, that's all right then, I mean, 'e is a mate, after all.)
I can understand Alfie's reluctance to broadcast the fact that he and Roxy are trying for a baby. That's normally not something that's broadcast until the result has been achieved, but Roxy's insecure, and broadcasting the fact would stake her claim even more firmly on Alfie and show his commitment. Alfie is too nice. He's fond of Roxy, and he doesn't want to hurt her; but he's not keen on a child, which is why he's pussyfooting around Kat and not wanting to "hurt" her.
WTF?
She deserves hurt, after all the shit she's dished him over the years and not thought twice about it. Were I he, I would have served this one up with ice cream and shoved it in her foul mouth. And for all her protests, Alfie knows that Kat is hurt by this.
And so the kabuki dance continues:-
So now we set up a contrived occurrence, where Kat witnesses Roxy under pressure at the packed pub and the wicked evil Polish builders standing nearby, waiting to pounce on the till.
(You must realise that, in EastEndersLand, all Polish women are carers and all Polish men are rough and ready - and dishonest - builders. In a couple of weeks' time, EastEnders will be doing a PR job for Nigel Farage and UKIP).
So Josef the stereotypical Polish builder is desperate for cash (and probably something else). Kat's sat all afternoon at the bar of the Vic (which, in her retarded, narcissistic mind was once her pub and never the Mitchells') instead of tending her flagging stall, offering advice in a way that's bound to undermine Roxy's own fragile sense of security. All nicely set up so Saint Kat can put her personal feelings aside and come to Roxy's rescue.
Please. Spare us this shit. The reconstruction and "repair" of Kat has been nothing more than force-feeding the viewing public a character we're told to like who was irreparably damaged by TPTB, themselves, and on whose destruction, Newman, as Series Producer, signed off. Just setting the clock back to Kat ca 2000 isn't any sort of character progression. You can't regress a fortysomething woman to the irresponsible point where she was twelve years ago. Kat's so-called "journey of re-discovery" has proven that she's a narcissist, an eternal victim, a shirker of responsibility, a bully, a blackmailer and a bitch.
And we're asked to like this person?
Mutton Dressed as Lamb.
Carol in that outfit.
You're joking, right? She looked as if she were melted and poured into that more than revealing sheer top. It showed all the wrong type of skin in all the wrong places. She was right to decide against wearing it.
As for her and Bianca, does Pete Lawson, the writer of this piece, not realise that Ian is Bianca's fucking uncle? She refers to Ian as a "former colleague." Bianca, under any other writer, wouldn't have been too nice to reference that Ian was family and that he owed it to his niece to give her that job. Beale would more often than not like to forget that Bianca is the Beales' village idiot, just as Max and his lot would like to forget she's also the Brannings' village idiot also, but kin they are and kin they should remain.
And when, pray tell, is Janine going to get around visiting her only remaining relatives in the Square - sorry, Le Square.
Really, Lindsey Coulson deserves better.
The Overpreponderance of Aimless Youth
Both of the Branning girls need to go. They've overstayed their welcome, and they both stink. Literally.
Abi is the lesser of two evils, but Lorna Fitzgerald is increasingly annoying. If I hear Abi say how difficult it is to study for exams, when all she's done for weeks is shirk about and mooch and moon over Jay, I'll go mad.
Abi has completely de-balled Jay, and this emasculisation has been completed by the inarticulate and completely token Dexter the Little Cock ...
Jay has now become a wet noodle version of Jamie Mitchell. And what a way to celebrate getting your baby back as an unfit teenaged mother than to take her on a camping holiday with someone you can't begin to understand and two idiots suffering from terminal headuparseitis.
Abi is only attracted to whatever it is Jay can buy for her, wherever it is he can take her, however much money he can spend on her. She's an ungrateful little bitch. And entitled.
As bad as the awful episode where she intoned that she, Jay and Lola were "the future of Albert Square," we have this choice morsel to remember, when Abi demanded Jay buy her shoes her mother wouldn't.
As for Lauren ... at last Max has twigged that she's only hitting on him for fifty quid because she's wanting a drink. Let's shout it out ... Lauren is an alcoholic.
Because she is. As is her mother and her putrid grandmother. And her aunt. Give the Magic Negro a few months, and she'll be bonding over drunkenness with her new-found family too. It's in the genes. Just as Tanya uses any excuse to drink, so does Lauren.
The non-story about Ian's quest for a waitress for his restaurant was, yet another, example of Lorraine Newman's warmth and friendship served up with a bland helping of nothing. We got reminded of Tyler's and Whitney's impending big fat gypsy wedding ...
Here's a sample of some of their music.
Maybe if they have the wedding, Twitney can leave, for good, in a painted wagon.
We got to hear more of Poopy the Dim's witless witterings that someone (not the audience, but someone in the writing room) must think are utterly charming.
And in the end, we got warmth and friendship prevailing when the selfless Whitney steps aside to allow Lauren to get the coveted job as waitress at minimum wage in Ian's restaurant. Just don't go giving her the key to the drinks' cabinet.
And we got a hattrick of intelligible dialogue tonight, with Cock, Tyler and Joey all having a line or two to say which we didn't understand.
The High Point.
Dot. And her scene with Max. Even if it's all based on an unknown lie, it was nice to see Dot reference both Bradley and Jim. And it was even better in an earlier scene to hear her disparage the Branning men. The sooner she's away from that set-up, the better.
This show is on a hiding to nothing and really needs - dare I say it? - sorting out.
EastEnders is like chop suey ... all mixed up.
Update: Numpties, Michael is a psychopath. Psychopaths rarely kill themselves intentionally. They love themselves too much and are too narcissistic. Although Michael's mother did the deed, she did it accidentally. Her suicide attempts were part of the narcissistic nature of her psychopathy and were a means of controlling Eddie.
If anything, psychopaths are quite capable of killing others, because they feel nothing for other people. Thus, rather than kill himself, Michael is more apt to try to kill Janine or Scarlett ... or both. Then asshat Michael-shippers like Katshit and Alice will see that he really isn't a very nice or sympathetic man at all.
Man up.
Update: David Wicks is on his way back. Lets hope to god they dont fuck this one up
ReplyDeleteI don't want a retconned romance with Carol. She was always only a teenaged grope and, later, a retaliatory affair when he was on the rebound from Cindy and she was angry with Alan Jackson for cheating on her.
DeleteThey need to remember that David is Ian's brother, the twins' uncle, and Janine's stepbrother. He's a dodgy businessman. Confining him to comfy evenings with Carol and a role as "grandad" would limit him as much as making Danny Pennant exclusively gay would limit the scope of Gary Lucy's character.
As things stand, he could be involved in Ian's business venture, I can see him bonding with Lucy - he's the one person who wouldn't hesitate to talk to her about her mother. He could become involved in Janine's business empire; to her, he would be a last link to Pat. He could even interact with Max; after all, David used to run the car lot, himself.
As far as relationships go, he's a bounder with commitment issues. He's never going to settle with Carol as he's always drawn to danger. Snaking Sharon from Phil or Kirsty from Max could be on the cards. Or Roxy. Just don't let him fuck Kat.