EastEnders' new theme song (after Saturday night at the British Soap Awards):-
Poor, poor, pitiful EastEnders. They went all the way to the British Soap Awards, and ended up sitting on their arses all night long. After a massive social network campaign, which included
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. ON. EASTENDERS.
virtually begging for people to vote for her and the inarticulate David Witts for Sexiest Male and Female. Needless to say, the voting public awarded Michelle Keegan her fifth such award and thought some bloke from Hollyoaks prettier (and probably more understandable) than David Witts. Strike two for Jossa. Get the message?
In the Best Actor and Actress category, EastEnders had a 40% chance of taking home a gong, with two actors nominated to the other soaps' one. They lost.
In fact, they lost in every category for which they were nominated, whether voted by the public or the ubiquitous panel.
EastEnders are saying they garnered one gong, but really, they didn't. The Lifetime Achievement Award given to Adam Woodyatt was recognition by the industry, if not the fickle fans and TPTB who put forward these nominations from EastEnders, for his contributions and continuously good performances in the role of Ian Beale, a role for which he has never received any sort of nomination from the production for whom he works.
That award was more for Woodyatt than it was for EastEnders, as a whole.
As someone who's watched the show from day one, I'm glad they came away empty-handed. And I scoff at the empty promises of the likes of Perry Fenwick and the tweets of Pete Lawson, bigging up the BAFTA and issuing threats of coming back stronger next year.
I hope Pete is putting his money where his mouth is, because he's part and parcel of the problem at EastEnders. For EastEnders to bang back with award-winning storylines and an increase in its dwindling audience, it will need to cut out the deadwood both in back of and in front of the camera. So maybe Pete might like to make the ultimate sacrifice and go.
Storyliners, weak millennial writers with no concept of the show's heritage or its history, and inexperienced actors with little talent. All need pruning, including the point where the buck stops ... on the desk of Lorraine Newman.
Maybe now, this empty-handed return from an awards show they used to dominate, will alter Lorraine Newman's permanent position with regard to what the fans think of the show:-
Until then, tonight, as in every night the show is aired, becomes the half hour of the soap where nothing happens.
This Town Ain't Big Enough for Ava the Rava and Her Putrid Kin.
Herein lies the continuing non-story of Ava the Rava, the teacher who doesn't teach.
Dennis went to school today, but Ava didn't. One thing the public is left in the dark about ... just exactly what is Ava at Walford Primary? Is she the Deputy Head or just a classroom teacher? Whatever she is, it's clear that Walford Primary allow their teachers to take days off in order to grade papers. Or so it seems. And when she's not grading papers, Ava the Rava, AKA The Magic Negro ...
... is walking the streets of Walford, patrolling in search of people whom she can enlighten with wisdom and advice which she won't follow, herself.
A couple of commentators pointed out something to me about Ava and her clan who've suddenly been sprung upon us. She and her ilk are nothing more than poorly recycled imitations of black characters from the past.
Remember Tony and Kelvin Carpenter? They were part of the original cast in 1985. Tony was - surprise surprise - a builder, and Kelvin was his son. This was a time when racism was openly and realistically addressed, especially institutional racism as practiced by the police ...
As was reminded me, Tony had a stroppy, social-climbing ex-wife too. Remind you of anyone?
For those of you who aren't interested or can't be bothered about when the show was about realistic people, more recently, let's look at Denise and compare her with Ava the Rava.
Denise, as was pointed out to me, was also the ultimate party animal, who lived in a squat with Lucas and got pregnant with Chelsea ... and Lucas just popped out for a pint of milk and never returned.
So now we know the way this storyline is going.
But one thing bothers me. Ava the Rava was 28 when Dexter was born, as opposed to Denise being a teenager with Chelsea. Her parents had put her through university, given her a good education as she referenced, herself, when she was brought face-to-face with Cora the Bora. So what the hell was she doing living in a squat when she was twenty-eight, when she would have been teaching six years? Something doesn't make sense here.
Anyway, Sam the Sham is still hanging around. Well, actually, he'd been given a job, but someone who has jack shit all to do with Sam or his relationship with Ava the Rava butts her stinky, alcohol-infested breath into the situation ... Cora.
She witnesses Cock throwing a hissy fit over his version of the ubiquitous Daddy Issue in the cafe, and all of a sudden, she's issuing threats against a man she doesn't know.
You ain't wanted around'ere.
Oh, really, Cora? I think Ian Beale might dispute that. And Kim at the B and B. And who are you to determine who's wanted and who isn't in Walford? You haven't been in Walford long enough to plant a cold turd, and the miserable woman you gave birth to after you fucked the Klingon ...
hasn't been there long enough to let a fart which stinks. You know neither side of this affair, and from the way Ava the Rava's been gadding about the streets, shouting the odds, demanding that Sam the Sham leave, and when he wouldn't oblige, vandalising his building material and, thus, causing Ian Beale more expense.
I should think the Magic Negro and her satellites aren't welcome in Walford.
Another observation from Cora the Bora:
'E won't be around 'ere long, if 'e knows whats good fer'im.
Seriously, Walford can't want this teminally drunken old lag, who corrupts youth and bullies pregnant women and women with small children? This old alcoholic bitch is short on common sense, dishonest, shallow, selfish and belligerant. She adds nothing to the show. Here's a sudden script-change suggestion: Let's send her, her alcoholic daughter and her alcoholic granddaughter away for a long stay at a rehab centre in Aberdeen. Soon.
None of us know why Sam left Ava, and none of us care. None of us care, either about Ava or her rude, little inarticulate, unintelligible, criminal son. But there are two sides to every story, and as Sam looks a decent enough fellow (albeit played by the natural successor to Jack Branning ...)
we really should hear why he deserted Ava the Rava. I think it had to do with waking up to this every morning ...
Run, Sam, Run ...
Further, Ava the Rava shows what a callous little trick she is in using poor Billy Mitchell, everybody's loser, in an effort to prove to herself that she's over Sam the Sham and that Billy's the man for her.
This woman is a joke. Not only is she an utterly pointless and unlikeable character, she's totally unrealistic. One longs for a new Executive Producer to wield an axe that would encompass the demise of her, her little Cock, the putrid woman who gave birth to her and any other satellite who makes his or her way to Walford.
As the song says ...
Really, EastEnders ... Khali Best Best Newcomer? How about Khali Best, Best Person in Need of Acting and Elocution Lessons?
The Return of the Native (or Spooking Fat Barbie).
Oh, Sharon ... what have they done to you? Still, at least Letitia Dean is tactful and forceful enough to hand Lorraine her arse (with her head inserted) and tell her to sort Sharon's character.
Saturday night, Christopher Reason took to Twitter, in response to a follower's concern about the state of the show, to urge people to write the Executive Producer with their complaints. His words: One writer can only do so much.
As can one actress.
I can buy Sharon's addiction to painkillers, although painkillers are dispensed, both here and in the US, for actual physical pain - as in severe back pain, or pain after an operation or an injury. The sort of things Sharon should be swallowing and addicted to are anti-depressants, Prozac, happy pills - not sedatives which knock you for six.
Be that as it may, why is Sharon spooked by the return of Jack? Look, Sharon's been dumped before - and big time, by Simon Wicks, for Cindy Beale, no less; and Sharon literally spat in his eye and stepped on his toe with her four-inch stiletto.
Why doesn't she do the same to Jack? The front she put on was almost there, but there was no need to go on about Phil ...
Nyaaah nyaaah I'm with Phil.
As bloody if. And she seriously thinks Jack really wants back with her? What was that in the pub all about? I can only think this is the medication skewing her perceptive and judgement, because Sharon certainly wouldn't be that up herself. Her behaviour backfired on two counts - first, striking a nerve with Phil when he sights Jack and finds out Sharon's shouted the odds to him first about her relationship with Phil, and then didn't think to tell Phil that Jack was around. Suddenly, Phil just may be feeling like this is a rebound relationship. Maybe he should start thinking again about the same now that Grant isn't around, wasn't around when Sharon was there before and was the first name off Sharon's lips when she landed in Walford this time around.
I, for one, would love to see Ross Kemp return. There are miles of unfinished business between Sharon, Grant and Phil, and we need to see that.
The second way she knocked Phil was downing some more sedatives and passing out cold, whilst in charge of Lexi, allowing the child to get hold of her illegal meds and use the bottle like a baby rattle. No fear of her taking anything, that bottle had a child-proof cap, but Sharon will awaken to the wrath of the incredible hulk ...
Her addiction storyline, when it began again, was depicted reasonable realistically; but now it seems to be settling back into EastEnders' familiar circular mode. Round and round the garden...
Highlight: Phil's interaction with Dennis. EastEnders has three actors who totally interact well and realistically with small children - Jake Wood, Shane Richie and Steve McFadden. McFadden always seems to have an easy rappport with kids, and it was quite touching to watch him teach Dennis how to repair a bike puncture. I liked that.
The Village Idiot Interlude.
Kim's a scrubber and Billy's trying to sell her the services of legitimage scrubbers. Did I hear correctly or did Ray just suggest that Kim and her masseuse service the entire youth boxing programme? Does Denise know that the place where she lives is a brothel? Ian would really be interested.
Who's Zooming Whom?
Okay, I really like the Janine-Billy dynamic. I like that both are comfortable enough in their friendship to speak honestly to each other. Billy is right. He has to work for Janine, so he has to take her imperious airs and graces, but Janine needs Alice's help.
If Janine is socially gauche, it's because her guard's up all the time. She has trust issues. Probably the only person she trusts at this moment is Billy, but she's incredibly isolated. Pat's dead, and she's missing her. Ricky, Clare and Diane are gone. Her remaining relatives on the Square, Carol and Bianca, are a couple of ingrates and a retard as well. Billy's advice about Janine treating Alice with respect resonated, because I think Alice is realising that Michael certainly isn't treating her with respect.
He's in even creepier mode, sitting like Blauvelt in a leather chair at the Slater house, doling out orders for Alice as though he were an espionage master. Giving the sort of advice to Alice that he used, himself, about being nice to Janine, getting her to let her guard down, so she can insinuate herself into controlling her, the way he did; because the next step, when the guard is down is to make her feel even lower in self-esteem.
But Alice isn't like that. She genuinely bonds with Janine, who detects a change in her attitude when she returns from Michael. Janine isn't stupid, and she's just as much a player as Michael. I like the fact that she told Michael she didn't want to lie to Janine, and the psychopath deftly turned that act of rebellion into something he could use.
I get the feeling that Alice knows who's using her and who genuinely needs her help. For the child, not themselves.
This was the best segment of the night, and Jasmyn Banks is coming into her own as an actress on the show ...
Same Shit Different Day
... which is more than I can say for Jacqueline Jossa. Same old same old. Left out of playtime with "the gang" - a rare moment of unity when the lesser yoofs requested and got the help of the "greater yoofs" just so we viewers could see the full Monty of how many "yoof" characters there are ... Cock, Jay, Abi, Tyler, Joey, Lauren, Lucy, Whitney. These are the useless youthless wonders we could do without, Yes, even Jay and Abi. Jay has been ritually emasculated and now resides under Abi's thumb. Abi sashays around Walford the way she sashayed into the British Soap Awards Saturday night - looking like a twelve year-old dressed in her grandmother's 1940s-style dresses and sounding like she's ten. I;ll bet she wears seamed stockings on her thunder-thigh legs.
Lauren's a pariah. Shame her putrid grandmother isn't, so all the yoof stand and glare at her. So Lauren gets drunk, after arranging a playdate with her sister. One wonders where she gets the money? She doesn't work. I guess Yummy Mummy or Granny Goodwitch subbed her a loan, or maybe it was The Magic Negro.
Nothing's changed here. Lauren's interminable drink story that always seems about to happen but never does.
Let's whisper it ... WORST. ACTRESS. EVER.
Lowlight: Joey showing a completely different way to say "Sharon."
"Shar-arrrrgh ..."
Ozzy Osbourne will never be the same. Here he is looking for Kat and needing Sharon ...
Nothing new here ... move along.
Now can you see why they didn't win anything?
Poor, poor, pitiful EastEnders. They went all the way to the British Soap Awards, and ended up sitting on their arses all night long. After a massive social network campaign, which included
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. ON. EASTENDERS.
In the Best Actor and Actress category, EastEnders had a 40% chance of taking home a gong, with two actors nominated to the other soaps' one. They lost.
In fact, they lost in every category for which they were nominated, whether voted by the public or the ubiquitous panel.
EastEnders are saying they garnered one gong, but really, they didn't. The Lifetime Achievement Award given to Adam Woodyatt was recognition by the industry, if not the fickle fans and TPTB who put forward these nominations from EastEnders, for his contributions and continuously good performances in the role of Ian Beale, a role for which he has never received any sort of nomination from the production for whom he works.
That award was more for Woodyatt than it was for EastEnders, as a whole.
As someone who's watched the show from day one, I'm glad they came away empty-handed. And I scoff at the empty promises of the likes of Perry Fenwick and the tweets of Pete Lawson, bigging up the BAFTA and issuing threats of coming back stronger next year.
I hope Pete is putting his money where his mouth is, because he's part and parcel of the problem at EastEnders. For EastEnders to bang back with award-winning storylines and an increase in its dwindling audience, it will need to cut out the deadwood both in back of and in front of the camera. So maybe Pete might like to make the ultimate sacrifice and go.
Storyliners, weak millennial writers with no concept of the show's heritage or its history, and inexperienced actors with little talent. All need pruning, including the point where the buck stops ... on the desk of Lorraine Newman.
Maybe now, this empty-handed return from an awards show they used to dominate, will alter Lorraine Newman's permanent position with regard to what the fans think of the show:-
Until then, tonight, as in every night the show is aired, becomes the half hour of the soap where nothing happens.
This Town Ain't Big Enough for Ava the Rava and Her Putrid Kin.
Herein lies the continuing non-story of Ava the Rava, the teacher who doesn't teach.
Dennis went to school today, but Ava didn't. One thing the public is left in the dark about ... just exactly what is Ava at Walford Primary? Is she the Deputy Head or just a classroom teacher? Whatever she is, it's clear that Walford Primary allow their teachers to take days off in order to grade papers. Or so it seems. And when she's not grading papers, Ava the Rava, AKA The Magic Negro ...
A couple of commentators pointed out something to me about Ava and her clan who've suddenly been sprung upon us. She and her ilk are nothing more than poorly recycled imitations of black characters from the past.
Remember Tony and Kelvin Carpenter? They were part of the original cast in 1985. Tony was - surprise surprise - a builder, and Kelvin was his son. This was a time when racism was openly and realistically addressed, especially institutional racism as practiced by the police ...
As was reminded me, Tony had a stroppy, social-climbing ex-wife too. Remind you of anyone?
For those of you who aren't interested or can't be bothered about when the show was about realistic people, more recently, let's look at Denise and compare her with Ava the Rava.
Denise, as was pointed out to me, was also the ultimate party animal, who lived in a squat with Lucas and got pregnant with Chelsea ... and Lucas just popped out for a pint of milk and never returned.
So now we know the way this storyline is going.
But one thing bothers me. Ava the Rava was 28 when Dexter was born, as opposed to Denise being a teenager with Chelsea. Her parents had put her through university, given her a good education as she referenced, herself, when she was brought face-to-face with Cora the Bora. So what the hell was she doing living in a squat when she was twenty-eight, when she would have been teaching six years? Something doesn't make sense here.
Anyway, Sam the Sham is still hanging around. Well, actually, he'd been given a job, but someone who has jack shit all to do with Sam or his relationship with Ava the Rava butts her stinky, alcohol-infested breath into the situation ... Cora.
She witnesses Cock throwing a hissy fit over his version of the ubiquitous Daddy Issue in the cafe, and all of a sudden, she's issuing threats against a man she doesn't know.
You ain't wanted around'ere.
Oh, really, Cora? I think Ian Beale might dispute that. And Kim at the B and B. And who are you to determine who's wanted and who isn't in Walford? You haven't been in Walford long enough to plant a cold turd, and the miserable woman you gave birth to after you fucked the Klingon ...
I should think the Magic Negro and her satellites aren't welcome in Walford.
Another observation from Cora the Bora:
'E won't be around 'ere long, if 'e knows whats good fer'im.
Seriously, Walford can't want this teminally drunken old lag, who corrupts youth and bullies pregnant women and women with small children? This old alcoholic bitch is short on common sense, dishonest, shallow, selfish and belligerant. She adds nothing to the show. Here's a sudden script-change suggestion: Let's send her, her alcoholic daughter and her alcoholic granddaughter away for a long stay at a rehab centre in Aberdeen. Soon.
None of us know why Sam left Ava, and none of us care. None of us care, either about Ava or her rude, little inarticulate, unintelligible, criminal son. But there are two sides to every story, and as Sam looks a decent enough fellow (albeit played by the natural successor to Jack Branning ...)
Run, Sam, Run ...
Further, Ava the Rava shows what a callous little trick she is in using poor Billy Mitchell, everybody's loser, in an effort to prove to herself that she's over Sam the Sham and that Billy's the man for her.
This woman is a joke. Not only is she an utterly pointless and unlikeable character, she's totally unrealistic. One longs for a new Executive Producer to wield an axe that would encompass the demise of her, her little Cock, the putrid woman who gave birth to her and any other satellite who makes his or her way to Walford.
As the song says ...
The Return of the Native (or Spooking Fat Barbie).
Oh, Sharon ... what have they done to you? Still, at least Letitia Dean is tactful and forceful enough to hand Lorraine her arse (with her head inserted) and tell her to sort Sharon's character.
Saturday night, Christopher Reason took to Twitter, in response to a follower's concern about the state of the show, to urge people to write the Executive Producer with their complaints. His words: One writer can only do so much.
As can one actress.
I can buy Sharon's addiction to painkillers, although painkillers are dispensed, both here and in the US, for actual physical pain - as in severe back pain, or pain after an operation or an injury. The sort of things Sharon should be swallowing and addicted to are anti-depressants, Prozac, happy pills - not sedatives which knock you for six.
Be that as it may, why is Sharon spooked by the return of Jack? Look, Sharon's been dumped before - and big time, by Simon Wicks, for Cindy Beale, no less; and Sharon literally spat in his eye and stepped on his toe with her four-inch stiletto.
Why doesn't she do the same to Jack? The front she put on was almost there, but there was no need to go on about Phil ...
Nyaaah nyaaah I'm with Phil.
As bloody if. And she seriously thinks Jack really wants back with her? What was that in the pub all about? I can only think this is the medication skewing her perceptive and judgement, because Sharon certainly wouldn't be that up herself. Her behaviour backfired on two counts - first, striking a nerve with Phil when he sights Jack and finds out Sharon's shouted the odds to him first about her relationship with Phil, and then didn't think to tell Phil that Jack was around. Suddenly, Phil just may be feeling like this is a rebound relationship. Maybe he should start thinking again about the same now that Grant isn't around, wasn't around when Sharon was there before and was the first name off Sharon's lips when she landed in Walford this time around.
I, for one, would love to see Ross Kemp return. There are miles of unfinished business between Sharon, Grant and Phil, and we need to see that.
The second way she knocked Phil was downing some more sedatives and passing out cold, whilst in charge of Lexi, allowing the child to get hold of her illegal meds and use the bottle like a baby rattle. No fear of her taking anything, that bottle had a child-proof cap, but Sharon will awaken to the wrath of the incredible hulk ...
Her addiction storyline, when it began again, was depicted reasonable realistically; but now it seems to be settling back into EastEnders' familiar circular mode. Round and round the garden...
Highlight: Phil's interaction with Dennis. EastEnders has three actors who totally interact well and realistically with small children - Jake Wood, Shane Richie and Steve McFadden. McFadden always seems to have an easy rappport with kids, and it was quite touching to watch him teach Dennis how to repair a bike puncture. I liked that.
The Village Idiot Interlude.
Kim's a scrubber and Billy's trying to sell her the services of legitimage scrubbers. Did I hear correctly or did Ray just suggest that Kim and her masseuse service the entire youth boxing programme? Does Denise know that the place where she lives is a brothel? Ian would really be interested.
Who's Zooming Whom?
If Janine is socially gauche, it's because her guard's up all the time. She has trust issues. Probably the only person she trusts at this moment is Billy, but she's incredibly isolated. Pat's dead, and she's missing her. Ricky, Clare and Diane are gone. Her remaining relatives on the Square, Carol and Bianca, are a couple of ingrates and a retard as well. Billy's advice about Janine treating Alice with respect resonated, because I think Alice is realising that Michael certainly isn't treating her with respect.
He's in even creepier mode, sitting like Blauvelt in a leather chair at the Slater house, doling out orders for Alice as though he were an espionage master. Giving the sort of advice to Alice that he used, himself, about being nice to Janine, getting her to let her guard down, so she can insinuate herself into controlling her, the way he did; because the next step, when the guard is down is to make her feel even lower in self-esteem.
But Alice isn't like that. She genuinely bonds with Janine, who detects a change in her attitude when she returns from Michael. Janine isn't stupid, and she's just as much a player as Michael. I like the fact that she told Michael she didn't want to lie to Janine, and the psychopath deftly turned that act of rebellion into something he could use.
I get the feeling that Alice knows who's using her and who genuinely needs her help. For the child, not themselves.
This was the best segment of the night, and Jasmyn Banks is coming into her own as an actress on the show ...
Same Shit Different Day
... which is more than I can say for Jacqueline Jossa. Same old same old. Left out of playtime with "the gang" - a rare moment of unity when the lesser yoofs requested and got the help of the "greater yoofs" just so we viewers could see the full Monty of how many "yoof" characters there are ... Cock, Jay, Abi, Tyler, Joey, Lauren, Lucy, Whitney. These are the useless youthless wonders we could do without, Yes, even Jay and Abi. Jay has been ritually emasculated and now resides under Abi's thumb. Abi sashays around Walford the way she sashayed into the British Soap Awards Saturday night - looking like a twelve year-old dressed in her grandmother's 1940s-style dresses and sounding like she's ten. I;ll bet she wears seamed stockings on her thunder-thigh legs.
Lauren's a pariah. Shame her putrid grandmother isn't, so all the yoof stand and glare at her. So Lauren gets drunk, after arranging a playdate with her sister. One wonders where she gets the money? She doesn't work. I guess Yummy Mummy or Granny Goodwitch subbed her a loan, or maybe it was The Magic Negro.
Nothing's changed here. Lauren's interminable drink story that always seems about to happen but never does.
Let's whisper it ... WORST. ACTRESS. EVER.
Lowlight: Joey showing a completely different way to say "Sharon."
"Shar-arrrrgh ..."
Ozzy Osbourne will never be the same. Here he is looking for Kat and needing Sharon ...
Nothing new here ... move along.
Now can you see why they didn't win anything?
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