Lauren Week ... Britain's Got Talent Week ... Boycott Week.
Take your pick.
The BBC and EastEnders are plugging this as a really big week in the context of EastEnders. First, a major character leaves -well, Bryan Kirkwood would have us believe that Ray Dixon is a major character, before Kirkwood forgot about him and Newman carried on with that memory loss until he resembled nothing more than the ubiquitous stereotypical, highly sexed black man present in the minds of all the leafy, white suburban writers who populate the EastEnders' writing room. Dixon was of no use to Newman, who's recently introduced her own ubiquitous stereotypical, highly sexed black man who'll sneak around and shag Newman's very own version of an angry black woman, as exemplifed by The Magic Negro who patrols the streets of Walford.
Sam and Ava are Newman's Negroes, and I'd put money on the fact that Kim will be the next ethnic character to wobble out of Walford on over-high heels. Besides, Ava has class, dontcha know, and Kim doesn't. Kim was there to get drunk, get horny and make us laugh. Ava's there to make us think, to bring us to a higher level. Too good for the classroom, she gives lessons in her philosophy of life, her weak link being the manly Sam the Sham, who walked out of her life twenty years ago and is about to walk in again. Unlike Ray and Kim, Sam and Ava won't shag, they'll make love.
I'm wondering if there's a writer on staff with enough balls to have Ava seduce Sam with the line,
Kiss me, Mandingo.
Because that's what all these ethnic characters are - token, stereotypical and insulting.
Tonight, we said good-bye to Ray, who's devolved from the angry, sexist black man to the snobbiest, most condescending form of an East End Henry Higgins, who views the woman he wants to accompany him to pastures anew as a warm body and a project in social improvement.
Can you imagine this going down in Woodford (with Fatboy as the Major)?
No ... neither can I, but this is the harmless, bland, warm and friendly stuff at which Lorraine Newman is aiming.
Today, Gary Lucy described Danny Pennant as being, basically, a nice guy.
The New Walford. I ask you.
Ray Does 'Enry 'Iggins.
Hang on, Denise is worried about Kim getting involved with Ray again, as well she might. Ray threw Kim under the proverbial bus a few months ago, after snogging Denise on the sly and lying to say Denise initiated it.
Granted, Kim wanted a wedding ring out of this association which has gone on the better part of a year. Ray didn't. He made no secret of the fact, earlier last year, that he was a commitment-shy ladies man, with two children by two different women, neither of whom he married.
On the whole, Ray was more than a bit of a prig and a hypocrite. He leaves a woman pregnant with his baby (or she leaves him withouth telling him, if you believe the latest retcon about his relationship with Bianca), and drops in and out of the child's life, preaching healthy eating and buying the kid any and all manner of presents, which makes him think he's a good parent.
Let's refresh our memories about Ray. Ray is an entirely retconned character. In fact, his name isn't even on Mowgan Le Fat's birth certificate - Tony King, paedophile, is. The original story told - Santer's version of Ray - is that Bianca went on a spree of promiscuity after Nathan Dean's death, cutting a swathe through any and all manner of men, presumably, in Manchester, which is where she was living at the time.
In fact, according to what Bianca told Ricky and Pat in August 2008, she had slept with so many men, she had no idea who the father of Mowgan Le Fat was. Then along came Tony, who pretended to be attracted to a heavily pregnant Bianca in order to groom Whitney, and who offered to put his name of the birth certificate of Bianca's unborn child, who turned out to be biracial. Bianca was at pains to stress that she didn't know Morgan's father.
Fast forward to 2012 and Bryan Kirkwood's version of Ray Dixon, whom Bianca not only knew, but who also knew Tony, and with whom Bianca had a protracted affair and left having stolen 500 quid from him. She knew she was pregnant and didn't tell him. In fact, she had his mobile number still in her address book.
So Ray starts his parenting technique with Mowgan - healthy eating, presents and throwing money at the kid. Ricky Butcher was the person who, at the time Janine married, had occasion to tell Ray that being a good father wasn't about giving presents. Ray had no idea what Mowgan Le Fat's favourite colour was. And have you noticed, for all Ray's homilies on healthy eating, both his children - Sasha the Weird and Mowgan Le Fat - munch continuously on chicken nuggets, chips and chocolate. So much for their heeding their father.
Ray reached out to Kim-Nice-But-Dim in a last-ditch desire for some nookie before he left Walford, and when she expressed a desire to leave Walford with him, he took her on as a project in which he would see her better herself. In fact, he remarked as much tonight, about their new home of Woodford in Essex, being a good place where Kim could endeavour to better herself.
I will say this: Nice dress he bought her. Classy. But Kim doesn't do classy. Kim does tasteless bling. However, as heartfelt as Denise's advice to Kim was about moving in with a man being a big step, Kim is no virginal spring chicken. In fact, Kim has had a long-term relationship before with her ex- Dexter. (NO, not Little Cock, but Denise's fortysomething, philandering, hard-drinking ex-boyfriend, with whom she lived for years, and with whom she owned a restaurant). Have the writers forgotten Dexter? Wendy Granditer, who wrote tonight's episode, should well remember him, considering she's been hanging around since the days of Shannis.
Dexter showed up with Kim to Denise's second wedding to Lucas. They showed up in the morning, made a beeline for Patrick's bar and started to drink. And drink. And drink some more. By the end of the day, Dexter had got caught fondling Chelsea.
Anyway, we've spent the past couple of weeks, watching Ray - more than usual, because he's going and has to finish the requisite number of episodes under his contract - mumbling and muttering something about Sasha's mother being in a car accident and Sasha needing looking after. On Friday, to prove to Ray how much Kim wanted to go with him, so much that she was willing to take an interest in Sasha (who she never really liked), Kim bought the girl some blouses for school, as well as a pair of four-inch heels. (Come on, the kid is only thirteen years old).
And tonight, we got Ray's departure, complete with obvious hints that he and Kim really have nothing in common at all; in fact, Ray's tastes are so far, socially, above Kim's common-and-garden variety, they don't even meet on common ground.
Now this is odd, because for the better part of a year, Kim and Ray have sort of been a couple, but I suppose we're supposed to believe that, at the end of the day, they were nothing more than fuck buddies, which shows Ray, Kirkwood's black man, to be even more of a dastardly devil.
Tonight, not only does he buy her a classy black dress to wear at her birthday and leaving party, he poo-poohs the idea of cocktails as too OTT, and openly disdains poor Poopy's birthday/leaving gift of his and hers onesies.
It's the onesie that tips the balance for Kim and convinces her that Ray doesn't really think that much of her, although - for me - it would have been the moment Ray reminded Mowgan Le Fat that no matter where they were, he, Mowgan Le Fat and Sasha the Weird would always be family - at which Mowgan Le Fat pointedly reminded him to include Kim as well, since she would be living with him. But nooooooooooo, as the late John Belushi (Google him, Luddites) would say, it was the onesie what did it for Kim, not only that, it was seeing the onesie discarded disdainfully on the B and B reception floor.
A onesie. A onesie? Really, Lorraine? We've had a storyline concentrating on an opened tin of tuna, Denise's and Lauren's sandwiches and now we have someone breaking up with someone else because of a onesie? What is this? Some kind of bad sitcom?
Kim has always been unfunny, and tonight she provoked no poignancy. And Ray was so insignificant a character in Newman's eyes, that the camera only followed his black cab exit from a distance. This leaving line was more about Kim (who's staying for the moment) than Ray.
No wonder Chucky Venn was pissed off at his "leaving by mutual consent."
Venn was Kirkwood's Negro, as was Kim. Clare Perkins and Cornell S John are Newman's Negroes.
The countdown starts now for Kim's departure. My bet? As soon as Denise is ensconced as Mrs Beale Number Five, we'll have The Magic Negro quit her non-existent position as the non-Deputy Head of whatever school and move, with Sam the Sham, Little Cock and the old grey putrid hag, Cora the Bora, into the B and B, to manage the place with Patrick as de facto paterfamilias.
You watch. And I'm betting Ray will relent, off-screen, on the onesie, and Kim will go one yank and she's off. Never to be heard of again.
Until then, for Kim, onesie is the loneliest number that she'll ever do ...
Two Blondes Bonding.
Sharon and Shirley have one thing in common: They've both had relationships with Phil, except that Sharon knows two sides of Phil, and Shirley could only bring out the worst in him.
Once again consigned to the B and B, Sharon's son is wailing after the loss of his latest father figure.
I have to admit, a lot of the problem with Sharon has been the depiction of her as a mother. Added to that, Harry Hickles, who plays Denny, hasn't helped. Tonight he came across as a demanding, whining, entitled little prick. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's as it seemed. I get the fact that he was hired for the cuteness factor and for the fact that beautiful Dennis had to have a beautiful son, but Sharon as a mother hasn't worked, nor has her son won any fans.
The actress goes on holiday shortly. I hope she goes someplace where she can leave Dennis - boarding school, maybe? Or that he's consigned, upon her return, to the upstairs hinterland formerly occupied by Oscar Branning. I don't want to see him anymore until he's twelve, at least.
There's an odd moment of bonding tonight between Sharon and Shirley, where Shirley presumes to offer cack-handed sympathy, reckoning that Phil tired of Sharon in the same way he tired of her. Sharon's quick to correct the notion, without telling her why.
Later, she approaches Phil to tell him how much Dennis misses him, only to have Phil accuse her of using her son to get back into his good books. Interesting, that Sharon was willing for Dennis to continue his relationship with Phil, but not with Jack, who humiliated her in a far worse way than Phil did. Yes, I suppose she thinks to get back with Phil via Denny, and in the end, Phil connects with Dennis, even after he tells him how much both he and his mother miss him, and tells him he can visit him anytime.
Phil misses Sharon. He just wants her to sort herself out. On her own. As she should and as the Sharon we all used to know would do.
The Non-Baby Blues.
Max and Krusty, with Max focusing all his attention on Krusty and the non-existent baby - or as Max refers to the situation, bov'o yer.
Only, there's no bov'o yer, instead there's only Krusty, a gun tattoo and a big lie. Her scared-shitless demeanor, at the prospect of the impending scan is put down to hormones, and so concerned is Max that he's neglecting his other children, one of whom has a pretty big problem he and Tanya have somehow missed during the past year. (Or did they? I seem to recall a fruitless visit to a GP or something?)
Anyway, more of the same old same old with Max and Krusty. Nothing happening here. Move on ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Anyway, a song for Krusty. The words will soon be all too relevant.
Poop and Fats.
Too saccharin. They're the Good Fairies of Walford.
Lauren the Lush
How many times in her life is Lauren going to be doused with water by her mother? Let's see, the last time was back in early 2008, when Lollipop Lauren presented her mother with a few blatant home truths about her drinking and inappropriate behaviour in the wake of the Stax reveal in the weeks leading up to something that should never be forgotten - Tanya's attempted murder of Max.
Only then, Lauren was the one giving sober advice.
I find it absolutely mind-boggling that Lauren's problem with drink has only just registered with Tanya. I seem to recall Tanya buying an underaged Lauren drinks at the Vic when the two decided to party down Tanya's decision not to have anymore cancer treatment, back in the autumn of 2011, something which prompted Carol to call for Max and the cavalry (in that case, Derek).
Lauren was drunk again on New Year's Day 2012, where we saw Max unceremoniously drag her home from the pub. She was drunk at Pat's funeral, and drunk again on her birthday, at the end of March 2012. Cora the Bora dragged her home, again from the pub, where Cora the Bora then shoved her onto Tanya, who met her with the usual over-sized wineglass in hand, whilst Cora poured herself a stiff one from Max's supply of whiskey.
So now we're being led to believe that the penny's just dropped with Tanya about Lauren's problem. So she clears the house of booze. (That must have been a sacrifice for Tanya. Ne'mind, she'll just nip drinks at the Salon, whilst Cora the Bora drinks in the backroom of the launderette and the pub).
Next she admonishes Denise at The Minute Mart and a passing Krusty the barmaid, not to sell or serve Lauren alcohol. As Denise says, if Lauren wants to drink, she'll surely find a way to get booze, which she does.
She enlists one of the oldest alcoholic tricks in the book - approaching a gullible, elderly friend/relative and scamming them for some money, after Tanya's at last proven wise about Lauren's pleas for money for schoolbooks. Lauren decided to spend some quality time with Dot - like when did Lauren ever do that? It was always Abi who was running around to Dot's. Just enough to feed Dot's ego as Number One Grandmother, getting in a worthy bad-mouthing of Cora the Bora and - Bob's (or rather Jack's) your uncle - Dot's handing over a tenner, which Lauren can't spend because - damn it - Denise won't sell booze to her.
So where else does she scamper for free drinks? Kim's cocktail party, where she gets drunk, ruins Kim's birthday cake and gets ferried home by an embarrassed Tanya, having been alerted by Kim. Yet another scene of Lauren paying homage to the stainless steel god in Tanya's kitchen - something, of course, Tanya's never done and something she chooses not to tell Max about.
This is the big storyline of the week?
When will Newman get the gist that the majority of viewers - with the exception of prepubescent wanking teenaged boys and the sadsack xTonix's of this world hate Lauren?
She's easily the single most unlikeable ingenue the show has ever featured, and for all her obvious beauty, Newman should stop trying to sell this as a point of interest and a substitute for talent. The actress, herself, in a recent BBC video, laments the fact that she's never gone to a proper drama school, but then realises that she can still do so.
Yes, and that would be a damned good idea, after someone with balls wields the axe.
The character is selfish, self-obsessed, rude, entitled, lazy and petulant. The actress is unnecessarily loud, gurning, uses her arms too much, over-acts to the point of embarrassment and is overly conscious of the camera being on her.
She is, without a doubt,
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.
So I'm of the opinion that Newman should fulfill the actress's wish and give her the opportunity to attend a proper drama school, by not renewing her contract.
We simply don't want to invest in Lauren because she's unlikeable to the point of boredom and played by an untalented and lazy actress hired for her looks. And no amount of damage limitation employed by a clueless Executive Producer can convince a viewing public otherwise. As countless of media articles have said, Lauren and her demographic are one of the main reasons the show is haemorraging viewers right now.
Axe please.
Alice: Janine to the Left of Her, Michael to the Right ...
Do you think Alice sings this song to Scarlett?
I'm glad Janine's trust issues are coming to the fore and that she's keeping a tight rein on Alice. You gotta feel for MyAlice, who's not only caught in the crossfire between Janine and Michael and their battle for Scarlett, who seems increasingly like a much-wanted toy two spoiled brats are fighting over, but who's also receiving life coaching from Poopy-Le-Dim.
Stand your ground, Poopy advises Alice, who does, only to find out that Janine is more than obliging. In fact, Janine wants to ensure Alice is happy - besides, her evening appointment cancelled.
I have a feeling that MyAlice has a sneaking regard for Janine. After all, Janine pays her - with real money, and whenever Alice voices discontent, Janine makes her happy. Michael, on the other hand, is coming across as a creepy and more than somewhat scary bully, which frightens MyAlice.
In fact, the whole thing pressures her so much that she's compelled to march right to the Minute Mart and shoplift a box of gravy granules. As you do.
Go figure. I can't.
Another episode in the Daily Life of Witless Walford, brought to you by the BBC and Lorraine Newman.
I bloody ask you.
Take your pick.
The BBC and EastEnders are plugging this as a really big week in the context of EastEnders. First, a major character leaves -well, Bryan Kirkwood would have us believe that Ray Dixon is a major character, before Kirkwood forgot about him and Newman carried on with that memory loss until he resembled nothing more than the ubiquitous stereotypical, highly sexed black man present in the minds of all the leafy, white suburban writers who populate the EastEnders' writing room. Dixon was of no use to Newman, who's recently introduced her own ubiquitous stereotypical, highly sexed black man who'll sneak around and shag Newman's very own version of an angry black woman, as exemplifed by The Magic Negro who patrols the streets of Walford.
Sam and Ava are Newman's Negroes, and I'd put money on the fact that Kim will be the next ethnic character to wobble out of Walford on over-high heels. Besides, Ava has class, dontcha know, and Kim doesn't. Kim was there to get drunk, get horny and make us laugh. Ava's there to make us think, to bring us to a higher level. Too good for the classroom, she gives lessons in her philosophy of life, her weak link being the manly Sam the Sham, who walked out of her life twenty years ago and is about to walk in again. Unlike Ray and Kim, Sam and Ava won't shag, they'll make love.
I'm wondering if there's a writer on staff with enough balls to have Ava seduce Sam with the line,
Kiss me, Mandingo.
Because that's what all these ethnic characters are - token, stereotypical and insulting.
Tonight, we said good-bye to Ray, who's devolved from the angry, sexist black man to the snobbiest, most condescending form of an East End Henry Higgins, who views the woman he wants to accompany him to pastures anew as a warm body and a project in social improvement.
Can you imagine this going down in Woodford (with Fatboy as the Major)?
No ... neither can I, but this is the harmless, bland, warm and friendly stuff at which Lorraine Newman is aiming.
Today, Gary Lucy described Danny Pennant as being, basically, a nice guy.
The New Walford. I ask you.
Ray Does 'Enry 'Iggins.
Hang on, Denise is worried about Kim getting involved with Ray again, as well she might. Ray threw Kim under the proverbial bus a few months ago, after snogging Denise on the sly and lying to say Denise initiated it.
Granted, Kim wanted a wedding ring out of this association which has gone on the better part of a year. Ray didn't. He made no secret of the fact, earlier last year, that he was a commitment-shy ladies man, with two children by two different women, neither of whom he married.
On the whole, Ray was more than a bit of a prig and a hypocrite. He leaves a woman pregnant with his baby (or she leaves him withouth telling him, if you believe the latest retcon about his relationship with Bianca), and drops in and out of the child's life, preaching healthy eating and buying the kid any and all manner of presents, which makes him think he's a good parent.
Let's refresh our memories about Ray. Ray is an entirely retconned character. In fact, his name isn't even on Mowgan Le Fat's birth certificate - Tony King, paedophile, is. The original story told - Santer's version of Ray - is that Bianca went on a spree of promiscuity after Nathan Dean's death, cutting a swathe through any and all manner of men, presumably, in Manchester, which is where she was living at the time.
In fact, according to what Bianca told Ricky and Pat in August 2008, she had slept with so many men, she had no idea who the father of Mowgan Le Fat was. Then along came Tony, who pretended to be attracted to a heavily pregnant Bianca in order to groom Whitney, and who offered to put his name of the birth certificate of Bianca's unborn child, who turned out to be biracial. Bianca was at pains to stress that she didn't know Morgan's father.
Fast forward to 2012 and Bryan Kirkwood's version of Ray Dixon, whom Bianca not only knew, but who also knew Tony, and with whom Bianca had a protracted affair and left having stolen 500 quid from him. She knew she was pregnant and didn't tell him. In fact, she had his mobile number still in her address book.
So Ray starts his parenting technique with Mowgan - healthy eating, presents and throwing money at the kid. Ricky Butcher was the person who, at the time Janine married, had occasion to tell Ray that being a good father wasn't about giving presents. Ray had no idea what Mowgan Le Fat's favourite colour was. And have you noticed, for all Ray's homilies on healthy eating, both his children - Sasha the Weird and Mowgan Le Fat - munch continuously on chicken nuggets, chips and chocolate. So much for their heeding their father.
Ray reached out to Kim-Nice-But-Dim in a last-ditch desire for some nookie before he left Walford, and when she expressed a desire to leave Walford with him, he took her on as a project in which he would see her better herself. In fact, he remarked as much tonight, about their new home of Woodford in Essex, being a good place where Kim could endeavour to better herself.
I will say this: Nice dress he bought her. Classy. But Kim doesn't do classy. Kim does tasteless bling. However, as heartfelt as Denise's advice to Kim was about moving in with a man being a big step, Kim is no virginal spring chicken. In fact, Kim has had a long-term relationship before with her ex- Dexter. (NO, not Little Cock, but Denise's fortysomething, philandering, hard-drinking ex-boyfriend, with whom she lived for years, and with whom she owned a restaurant). Have the writers forgotten Dexter? Wendy Granditer, who wrote tonight's episode, should well remember him, considering she's been hanging around since the days of Shannis.
Dexter showed up with Kim to Denise's second wedding to Lucas. They showed up in the morning, made a beeline for Patrick's bar and started to drink. And drink. And drink some more. By the end of the day, Dexter had got caught fondling Chelsea.
Anyway, we've spent the past couple of weeks, watching Ray - more than usual, because he's going and has to finish the requisite number of episodes under his contract - mumbling and muttering something about Sasha's mother being in a car accident and Sasha needing looking after. On Friday, to prove to Ray how much Kim wanted to go with him, so much that she was willing to take an interest in Sasha (who she never really liked), Kim bought the girl some blouses for school, as well as a pair of four-inch heels. (Come on, the kid is only thirteen years old).
And tonight, we got Ray's departure, complete with obvious hints that he and Kim really have nothing in common at all; in fact, Ray's tastes are so far, socially, above Kim's common-and-garden variety, they don't even meet on common ground.
Now this is odd, because for the better part of a year, Kim and Ray have sort of been a couple, but I suppose we're supposed to believe that, at the end of the day, they were nothing more than fuck buddies, which shows Ray, Kirkwood's black man, to be even more of a dastardly devil.
Tonight, not only does he buy her a classy black dress to wear at her birthday and leaving party, he poo-poohs the idea of cocktails as too OTT, and openly disdains poor Poopy's birthday/leaving gift of his and hers onesies.
It's the onesie that tips the balance for Kim and convinces her that Ray doesn't really think that much of her, although - for me - it would have been the moment Ray reminded Mowgan Le Fat that no matter where they were, he, Mowgan Le Fat and Sasha the Weird would always be family - at which Mowgan Le Fat pointedly reminded him to include Kim as well, since she would be living with him. But nooooooooooo, as the late John Belushi (Google him, Luddites) would say, it was the onesie what did it for Kim, not only that, it was seeing the onesie discarded disdainfully on the B and B reception floor.
A onesie. A onesie? Really, Lorraine? We've had a storyline concentrating on an opened tin of tuna, Denise's and Lauren's sandwiches and now we have someone breaking up with someone else because of a onesie? What is this? Some kind of bad sitcom?
Kim has always been unfunny, and tonight she provoked no poignancy. And Ray was so insignificant a character in Newman's eyes, that the camera only followed his black cab exit from a distance. This leaving line was more about Kim (who's staying for the moment) than Ray.
No wonder Chucky Venn was pissed off at his "leaving by mutual consent."
Venn was Kirkwood's Negro, as was Kim. Clare Perkins and Cornell S John are Newman's Negroes.
The countdown starts now for Kim's departure. My bet? As soon as Denise is ensconced as Mrs Beale Number Five, we'll have The Magic Negro quit her non-existent position as the non-Deputy Head of whatever school and move, with Sam the Sham, Little Cock and the old grey putrid hag, Cora the Bora, into the B and B, to manage the place with Patrick as de facto paterfamilias.
You watch. And I'm betting Ray will relent, off-screen, on the onesie, and Kim will go one yank and she's off. Never to be heard of again.
Until then, for Kim, onesie is the loneliest number that she'll ever do ...
Sharon and Shirley have one thing in common: They've both had relationships with Phil, except that Sharon knows two sides of Phil, and Shirley could only bring out the worst in him.
Once again consigned to the B and B, Sharon's son is wailing after the loss of his latest father figure.
I have to admit, a lot of the problem with Sharon has been the depiction of her as a mother. Added to that, Harry Hickles, who plays Denny, hasn't helped. Tonight he came across as a demanding, whining, entitled little prick. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's as it seemed. I get the fact that he was hired for the cuteness factor and for the fact that beautiful Dennis had to have a beautiful son, but Sharon as a mother hasn't worked, nor has her son won any fans.
The actress goes on holiday shortly. I hope she goes someplace where she can leave Dennis - boarding school, maybe? Or that he's consigned, upon her return, to the upstairs hinterland formerly occupied by Oscar Branning. I don't want to see him anymore until he's twelve, at least.
There's an odd moment of bonding tonight between Sharon and Shirley, where Shirley presumes to offer cack-handed sympathy, reckoning that Phil tired of Sharon in the same way he tired of her. Sharon's quick to correct the notion, without telling her why.
Later, she approaches Phil to tell him how much Dennis misses him, only to have Phil accuse her of using her son to get back into his good books. Interesting, that Sharon was willing for Dennis to continue his relationship with Phil, but not with Jack, who humiliated her in a far worse way than Phil did. Yes, I suppose she thinks to get back with Phil via Denny, and in the end, Phil connects with Dennis, even after he tells him how much both he and his mother miss him, and tells him he can visit him anytime.
Phil misses Sharon. He just wants her to sort herself out. On her own. As she should and as the Sharon we all used to know would do.
The Non-Baby Blues.
Max and Krusty, with Max focusing all his attention on Krusty and the non-existent baby - or as Max refers to the situation, bov'o yer.
Only, there's no bov'o yer, instead there's only Krusty, a gun tattoo and a big lie. Her scared-shitless demeanor, at the prospect of the impending scan is put down to hormones, and so concerned is Max that he's neglecting his other children, one of whom has a pretty big problem he and Tanya have somehow missed during the past year. (Or did they? I seem to recall a fruitless visit to a GP or something?)
Anyway, more of the same old same old with Max and Krusty. Nothing happening here. Move on ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Anyway, a song for Krusty. The words will soon be all too relevant.
Poop and Fats.
Too saccharin. They're the Good Fairies of Walford.
Lauren the Lush
Only then, Lauren was the one giving sober advice.
I find it absolutely mind-boggling that Lauren's problem with drink has only just registered with Tanya. I seem to recall Tanya buying an underaged Lauren drinks at the Vic when the two decided to party down Tanya's decision not to have anymore cancer treatment, back in the autumn of 2011, something which prompted Carol to call for Max and the cavalry (in that case, Derek).
Lauren was drunk again on New Year's Day 2012, where we saw Max unceremoniously drag her home from the pub. She was drunk at Pat's funeral, and drunk again on her birthday, at the end of March 2012. Cora the Bora dragged her home, again from the pub, where Cora the Bora then shoved her onto Tanya, who met her with the usual over-sized wineglass in hand, whilst Cora poured herself a stiff one from Max's supply of whiskey.
So now we're being led to believe that the penny's just dropped with Tanya about Lauren's problem. So she clears the house of booze. (That must have been a sacrifice for Tanya. Ne'mind, she'll just nip drinks at the Salon, whilst Cora the Bora drinks in the backroom of the launderette and the pub).
Next she admonishes Denise at The Minute Mart and a passing Krusty the barmaid, not to sell or serve Lauren alcohol. As Denise says, if Lauren wants to drink, she'll surely find a way to get booze, which she does.
She enlists one of the oldest alcoholic tricks in the book - approaching a gullible, elderly friend/relative and scamming them for some money, after Tanya's at last proven wise about Lauren's pleas for money for schoolbooks. Lauren decided to spend some quality time with Dot - like when did Lauren ever do that? It was always Abi who was running around to Dot's. Just enough to feed Dot's ego as Number One Grandmother, getting in a worthy bad-mouthing of Cora the Bora and - Bob's (or rather Jack's) your uncle - Dot's handing over a tenner, which Lauren can't spend because - damn it - Denise won't sell booze to her.
So where else does she scamper for free drinks? Kim's cocktail party, where she gets drunk, ruins Kim's birthday cake and gets ferried home by an embarrassed Tanya, having been alerted by Kim. Yet another scene of Lauren paying homage to the stainless steel god in Tanya's kitchen - something, of course, Tanya's never done and something she chooses not to tell Max about.
This is the big storyline of the week?
When will Newman get the gist that the majority of viewers - with the exception of prepubescent wanking teenaged boys and the sadsack xTonix's of this world hate Lauren?
She's easily the single most unlikeable ingenue the show has ever featured, and for all her obvious beauty, Newman should stop trying to sell this as a point of interest and a substitute for talent. The actress, herself, in a recent BBC video, laments the fact that she's never gone to a proper drama school, but then realises that she can still do so.
Yes, and that would be a damned good idea, after someone with balls wields the axe.
The character is selfish, self-obsessed, rude, entitled, lazy and petulant. The actress is unnecessarily loud, gurning, uses her arms too much, over-acts to the point of embarrassment and is overly conscious of the camera being on her.
She is, without a doubt,
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.
So I'm of the opinion that Newman should fulfill the actress's wish and give her the opportunity to attend a proper drama school, by not renewing her contract.
We simply don't want to invest in Lauren because she's unlikeable to the point of boredom and played by an untalented and lazy actress hired for her looks. And no amount of damage limitation employed by a clueless Executive Producer can convince a viewing public otherwise. As countless of media articles have said, Lauren and her demographic are one of the main reasons the show is haemorraging viewers right now.
Axe please.
Alice: Janine to the Left of Her, Michael to the Right ...
Do you think Alice sings this song to Scarlett?
I'm glad Janine's trust issues are coming to the fore and that she's keeping a tight rein on Alice. You gotta feel for MyAlice, who's not only caught in the crossfire between Janine and Michael and their battle for Scarlett, who seems increasingly like a much-wanted toy two spoiled brats are fighting over, but who's also receiving life coaching from Poopy-Le-Dim.
Stand your ground, Poopy advises Alice, who does, only to find out that Janine is more than obliging. In fact, Janine wants to ensure Alice is happy - besides, her evening appointment cancelled.
I have a feeling that MyAlice has a sneaking regard for Janine. After all, Janine pays her - with real money, and whenever Alice voices discontent, Janine makes her happy. Michael, on the other hand, is coming across as a creepy and more than somewhat scary bully, which frightens MyAlice.
In fact, the whole thing pressures her so much that she's compelled to march right to the Minute Mart and shoplift a box of gravy granules. As you do.
Go figure. I can't.
Another episode in the Daily Life of Witless Walford, brought to you by the BBC and Lorraine Newman.
I bloody ask you.
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