The Beatles got it right ...
Help!
HELP!
It's what you feel EastEnders should be shouting to the gills at the moment. At least, after the non-performance at the BSAs on Saturday night. But you wonder if TPTB realise that they need help ... desperately.
All anyone had to do was look at this episode tonight. And last night. Rob Gittins is a veteran writer with the programme, having been there since 1986. OK, I've always heard he lingered on the mundane end of the writers from the glory days - your Tony McHales and Tony Jordans. But these days, I'd class Gittins as one of the better writers on the show. He knows his characters, he knows Sharon and Phil at least - that much was shown tonight.
However, as many have pointed out, it's the storyliners who run things on this show. They make up a storyline, plot it out, get it approved byHer Majesty Lorraine Newman, then the story gets divied up into episodes and handed out to a writer to write. There's only so much any writer can do with nothing. I mean, how do you write about a casserole, or a sandwich, or a tin of tuna?
Cleverly thought out, this episode could have been a two-header between Phil and Sharon, confronting her addiction and finding out what made her reach for drugdom as a means of dealing with her problems. But no ... the writer was told to make episodes for some of the most unlikeable, unrelatable characters ever in this soap's history - both versions of the current brat pack, a dinner between the soap's official loser and another new character in whom it's difficult to invest any feeling because she's so ridiculous, and a non-starter who's been given the axe.
Whatever happened to innovation? Lorraine Newman was on staff at EastEnders when this episode was produced back in 2002. Click on the link and watch it. Lorraine should.
Go on, I dare you. Click on the two links and watch this; then come back and tell me that Sharon is "rubbish," that she and Phil have no chemistry and that both characters are irrelevant.
Sharon and Phil are two iconic characters, yet they're being asked to share screentime with characters who - Billy apart - have no likeable qualities altogether.
Therein lies the problem/
HELP!
The Good
Miss Piggy and Porky Face Down Her Addictions.
For once, EastEnders are doing an addiction storyline that's almost believeable. The problem is that this has been forced to lie dormant at the altar of the Branning family for almost a year. We got a hint of her problem last autumn, and she was seen going to a support group, admitting her addiction in public as Alcoholics Anonymous require you to do. So Sharon has got help for this before, but sometimes you have to get help many times - as Phil should know.
Still, one thing niggles me. You don't give painkillers to help someone relax. Sharon would have had to have one dodgy doctor to the stars - think Michael Jackson or Elvis - to prescribe her painkillers to "make her feel better" and cope. From what it sounds like, Sharon's on vicodin, which is a prescription drug in the US, but illegal here, and is a very strong and very addictive painkiller; but it's only prescribed in the US for stuff like post-operative pain or severe back pain or pain incurred through injuries. Sharon should be addicted to happy pills, like Prozac.
A two-header with Sharon and Phil would have focused on why she took these drugs in the first place, and then maybe we'd have seen what happened in the US. We'd have got a clue about when she returned to the UK and why, where she met John and how he helped her. We know nothing of what happened with Sharon from the time Phil left her in the US in 2006 until she returned last year. We know, but I'll bet TPTB have conveniently forgotten it and filed it away in the circular file entitled "To Be Retconned," that Ian visited her in Florida in 2009, returning with tales of her wealth and Southfork-like spread. No mention of Michelle. Or Vicky. And still none.
And when Ian rang Michelle to tell her of Pat's death in 2012, it's obvious that Sharon wasn't told.
Tonight's scenes between Sharon and Phil were some of the few genuinely good scenes between the pair of them since Sharon returned.
Phil was right, in more ways than one, and maybe it was Rob Gittins's subtle way to get a message across.
Phil to Sharon: I fought I knew you, but I don't. You're like a stranger.
We know, Phil. We know. The long-term viewer has been saying this forever.
These were pretty good scenes, actually, to see Phil, himself a recovering addict, try to point Sharon's addiction out to her. True what he said: he'd tried on numerous occasions to stop, himself, without help, ostentatiously throwing away the booze and the crack cocaine, only to keep a stash hidden for his own use. Once before, we touched on this scene, when Derek revealed her addiction to Phil last year, and she denied it. It was glossed over then, but it needs to be played out now. Only not too long and too winding and too interspersed with other tales so as we lose interest. Goodness knows, enough interest has been lost in Phil and Sharon.
I also understand why Phil threw Sharon out at the end. Yes, it was all about Lexi's impending hearing, and he didn't want to do anything that would jeopardise that, but it's also something that Sharon needed, the way Peggy shoved him out to deal with his squalor. Sharon wants to lean on Phil for dependence, but she needs to get help and get well, herself, and no one can do that but Sharon.
The only thing I find desperately unbelieveable about the entire storyline is that Jack Branning's rejection would cause Sharon to react in such a weak, lily-livered way. A Jack Branning rejection is cause for jubilation. At least you won't wake up every morning with splinters between your legs.
Ouch!
Sharon's been dumped before - by Wicksy. She's been thrown under the emotional bus by the Mitchell brothers, and after all this, she came back stronger. I hope she does now, especially since the actress has read the riot acto to TPTB about her characterisation.
For the record, Monalisa can STFU, because Phil didn't throw Sharon out because he didn't love her. He threw her out because he did lover her. Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind.
The Bad
Chapter 1: Billy Mitchell's Dinner with a Drag Queen.
Poor Billy. He always draws the short straw.
Suffice it to say that the rest of this episode was one big borefest, starting with Billy's date with the Magic Negro, who looked, more than ever, like a man in drag. In fact, when she guzzled enough Dutch courage (like the putrid woman who gave birth to her, her fat sister and her alcoholic niece) to lean in for a kiss with Billy, it looked like a man in drag kissing another man. Billy's reaction said the same. In fact, if EastEnders wanted to do something really shocking and satisfy vaslav37's desire for more LGBT characters, we could have Ava reveal her true self as a man after kissing Billy. Imagine EastEnders does The Crying Game (remember the willy scene and its aftermath?):-
I can hear it now ...
Billy: 'Ere, Ava ... wossat fing dangling down between your legs?
Ava: It's my willie, Billy.
Lorraine Newman loves dinner scenes - the Brannings, the Mitchells, someone having dinner with someone else, Janine treating Alice, Michael microwaving dinner for Katshit ... so we had to have the second Magic Negro dinner in less than a week. Last week, she unwittingly entertained Sam the Sham, and now she's entertaining Billy, whilst thinking about Sam the Sham.
Kudos to Billy for knowing when he's being had.
I could care less about the Magic Negro, the biracial woman who isn't, the teacher who doesn't teach, the indigent shrieking harpy who trolls the streets of Walford aimlessly every day, as aimless as her character is.
One hopes the next Executive Producer shows Ava the door.
Chapter Two: The Yoof of Today.
Abi is long past her sell-by date. More and more, she's looking like a little old lady, sounding like a twelve year-old and having the mental ability of a ten year-old. She's totally deballed Jay. She shows up, demands he stop work and take her to a film. He obliges, only to be summoned by Lola.
All this fuss and kerfuffle she's put the viewer and everyone else through demanding the return of her daughter, and when she gets her on her own for an evening, she can't cope and has to call her friends. And what's this resentment about Billy not being on hand? This is part of being a parent. She's convinced the Social she can cope, and as she says, Billy does have a life; so she imposes on Jay's and Abi's evening to mollycoddle her. And along comes Cock.
Of course, when Abi decrees they're staying, they stay. Abi's word is law, and then we get the most contrived, the most trite and most unreal social commentary conversation from these kids that it's unreal. A public service announcement for the Tory party about how kids grow up more stable in two-parent families, and how the presence of a father is important. (Foreshadowing of Dexter secretly longing for Sam in his life); Jay's reference to his Social Services upbringing - and I'm surprised Jase didn't get a mention here, and Abi bringing up the Brannings once again.
Is Lola turning stupid again, after seeming to grow up a bit? Sorry, love, but this is what being a parent is all about, and it's not calling on your mates to come and give you moral support every time you're scared.
What a load of codswallop! Jay's been ruined and Abi is totally unbearable right now. And Cock can just naff off with his man-in-drag ma when he's axed by the next EP.
Chapter Three: Jack, Max and Kirsty - Ever Decreasing Circles.
Nice to see Max and Kirsty have got out of bed long enough to have sex in the carlot portacabin. That must be the go-to place for sex - Sean and Carly, Janine and Ryan, Max and Vanessa, Max and Becca, Darren and Lauren, now Max and Kirsty. Do they ever sanitise and fumigate the place?
Of course, Kirsty's desperately trying to get pregnant and shitting herself about the scan Max has arranged.
Jack's back and wandering around aimlessly, as you do in Walford. Chance meeting with Michael in an empty and irrelevant fight club, and then Jack's day is rescued by seeing Amy wave to him at he window of the Vic.
I've just been struck by how irresponsible Jack and Michael Moon are. They both have Alfie raising their kids. Assholes. Glad they're both leaving.
Chapter Four: Ray Bags Another Man-in-Drag.
You know a character's leaving when they've done nothing for a year, and suddenly, they're not off our screens. We haven't been without Ray since he shook hands with the Afro-Caribbean actor who's stepping up to the plate to tale Ray's place in the ethnic quota which EastEnders denies it keeps.
Ray's all over the place, and more importantly, he's back with Kim. It must be her new lopsided, multicoloured wig/weave, which matches all the shades of pink in which she seems to reside at the moment. Kim's forgetting what a love rat Ray was and how he unceremoniously dumped her a few months ago, but since she couldn't get to first base with Sam the Sham, I guess Rebound Ray will have to do.
Do we care? Well, Ray will be gone in a couple of weeks, and Kim won't, so I guess we don't.
The Ugly
Need You Ask?
WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.
Yes, folks, we're asked to endure, yet again, a soupcon, a sliver of the big upcoming storyline dealing with Lauren's drinking problem.
I have a question. Where did she get the money to hunker down all day in the Vic and drink, and drink alone? Surely in a place like that, she would have been cannon fodder for every asshole on the Square to make a pass. But noooooooo ...
Joey is there, also drinking alone, and offers her some fresh air. (Well, his mouth is open most of the time).
When he makes it clear he doesn't want to commit cousin-fucking anymore, we are subjected even more to the non-talented, arm-waving, shrieking, OTT reactions and gurning that Ms Jossa thinks is acting. It's not. It's also plain to see tonight why she's not considered remotely sexy to anyone but pubescent boys like DS's klendathu, who was born with both hands on his member, and asexual retards like hyuck hyuck xTonix.
Jossa's drunk is unconvincing, probably because she's never been drunk in her life and also probably because she can't act worth shit.
Yummy Mummy made an appearance to waddle after Lauren and rescue her from filling her face with splinters when she ran into Jack's arms. (No, Lauren is not Jack's daughter). That begs another question: Jo Joyner finished filming last week, which means she's on screen until early July, just six more weeks.
Do you see a leaving line on the horizon? No, neither to I. It's as if she's not going anywhere, until the last week of June, when the shit will hit the fan at record speed and she'll be off after Zainab in a black taxi.
Helpless. Utterly helpless.
Help!
HELP!
It's what you feel EastEnders should be shouting to the gills at the moment. At least, after the non-performance at the BSAs on Saturday night. But you wonder if TPTB realise that they need help ... desperately.
All anyone had to do was look at this episode tonight. And last night. Rob Gittins is a veteran writer with the programme, having been there since 1986. OK, I've always heard he lingered on the mundane end of the writers from the glory days - your Tony McHales and Tony Jordans. But these days, I'd class Gittins as one of the better writers on the show. He knows his characters, he knows Sharon and Phil at least - that much was shown tonight.
However, as many have pointed out, it's the storyliners who run things on this show. They make up a storyline, plot it out, get it approved by
Cleverly thought out, this episode could have been a two-header between Phil and Sharon, confronting her addiction and finding out what made her reach for drugdom as a means of dealing with her problems. But no ... the writer was told to make episodes for some of the most unlikeable, unrelatable characters ever in this soap's history - both versions of the current brat pack, a dinner between the soap's official loser and another new character in whom it's difficult to invest any feeling because she's so ridiculous, and a non-starter who's been given the axe.
Whatever happened to innovation? Lorraine Newman was on staff at EastEnders when this episode was produced back in 2002. Click on the link and watch it. Lorraine should.
Go on, I dare you. Click on the two links and watch this; then come back and tell me that Sharon is "rubbish," that she and Phil have no chemistry and that both characters are irrelevant.
Sharon and Phil are two iconic characters, yet they're being asked to share screentime with characters who - Billy apart - have no likeable qualities altogether.
Therein lies the problem/
HELP!
The Good
Miss Piggy and Porky Face Down Her Addictions.
For once, EastEnders are doing an addiction storyline that's almost believeable. The problem is that this has been forced to lie dormant at the altar of the Branning family for almost a year. We got a hint of her problem last autumn, and she was seen going to a support group, admitting her addiction in public as Alcoholics Anonymous require you to do. So Sharon has got help for this before, but sometimes you have to get help many times - as Phil should know.
Still, one thing niggles me. You don't give painkillers to help someone relax. Sharon would have had to have one dodgy doctor to the stars - think Michael Jackson or Elvis - to prescribe her painkillers to "make her feel better" and cope. From what it sounds like, Sharon's on vicodin, which is a prescription drug in the US, but illegal here, and is a very strong and very addictive painkiller; but it's only prescribed in the US for stuff like post-operative pain or severe back pain or pain incurred through injuries. Sharon should be addicted to happy pills, like Prozac.
A two-header with Sharon and Phil would have focused on why she took these drugs in the first place, and then maybe we'd have seen what happened in the US. We'd have got a clue about when she returned to the UK and why, where she met John and how he helped her. We know nothing of what happened with Sharon from the time Phil left her in the US in 2006 until she returned last year. We know, but I'll bet TPTB have conveniently forgotten it and filed it away in the circular file entitled "To Be Retconned," that Ian visited her in Florida in 2009, returning with tales of her wealth and Southfork-like spread. No mention of Michelle. Or Vicky. And still none.
And when Ian rang Michelle to tell her of Pat's death in 2012, it's obvious that Sharon wasn't told.
Tonight's scenes between Sharon and Phil were some of the few genuinely good scenes between the pair of them since Sharon returned.
Phil was right, in more ways than one, and maybe it was Rob Gittins's subtle way to get a message across.
Phil to Sharon: I fought I knew you, but I don't. You're like a stranger.
We know, Phil. We know. The long-term viewer has been saying this forever.
These were pretty good scenes, actually, to see Phil, himself a recovering addict, try to point Sharon's addiction out to her. True what he said: he'd tried on numerous occasions to stop, himself, without help, ostentatiously throwing away the booze and the crack cocaine, only to keep a stash hidden for his own use. Once before, we touched on this scene, when Derek revealed her addiction to Phil last year, and she denied it. It was glossed over then, but it needs to be played out now. Only not too long and too winding and too interspersed with other tales so as we lose interest. Goodness knows, enough interest has been lost in Phil and Sharon.
I also understand why Phil threw Sharon out at the end. Yes, it was all about Lexi's impending hearing, and he didn't want to do anything that would jeopardise that, but it's also something that Sharon needed, the way Peggy shoved him out to deal with his squalor. Sharon wants to lean on Phil for dependence, but she needs to get help and get well, herself, and no one can do that but Sharon.
The only thing I find desperately unbelieveable about the entire storyline is that Jack Branning's rejection would cause Sharon to react in such a weak, lily-livered way. A Jack Branning rejection is cause for jubilation. At least you won't wake up every morning with splinters between your legs.
Ouch!
Sharon's been dumped before - by Wicksy. She's been thrown under the emotional bus by the Mitchell brothers, and after all this, she came back stronger. I hope she does now, especially since the actress has read the riot acto to TPTB about her characterisation.
For the record, Monalisa can STFU, because Phil didn't throw Sharon out because he didn't love her. He threw her out because he did lover her. Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind.
The Bad
Chapter 1: Billy Mitchell's Dinner with a Drag Queen.
Poor Billy. He always draws the short straw.
Suffice it to say that the rest of this episode was one big borefest, starting with Billy's date with the Magic Negro, who looked, more than ever, like a man in drag. In fact, when she guzzled enough Dutch courage (like the putrid woman who gave birth to her, her fat sister and her alcoholic niece) to lean in for a kiss with Billy, it looked like a man in drag kissing another man. Billy's reaction said the same. In fact, if EastEnders wanted to do something really shocking and satisfy vaslav37's desire for more LGBT characters, we could have Ava reveal her true self as a man after kissing Billy. Imagine EastEnders does The Crying Game (remember the willy scene and its aftermath?):-
I can hear it now ...
Billy: 'Ere, Ava ... wossat fing dangling down between your legs?
Ava: It's my willie, Billy.
Lorraine Newman loves dinner scenes - the Brannings, the Mitchells, someone having dinner with someone else, Janine treating Alice, Michael microwaving dinner for Katshit ... so we had to have the second Magic Negro dinner in less than a week. Last week, she unwittingly entertained Sam the Sham, and now she's entertaining Billy, whilst thinking about Sam the Sham.
Kudos to Billy for knowing when he's being had.
I could care less about the Magic Negro, the biracial woman who isn't, the teacher who doesn't teach, the indigent shrieking harpy who trolls the streets of Walford aimlessly every day, as aimless as her character is.
One hopes the next Executive Producer shows Ava the door.
Chapter Two: The Yoof of Today.
Abi is long past her sell-by date. More and more, she's looking like a little old lady, sounding like a twelve year-old and having the mental ability of a ten year-old. She's totally deballed Jay. She shows up, demands he stop work and take her to a film. He obliges, only to be summoned by Lola.
All this fuss and kerfuffle she's put the viewer and everyone else through demanding the return of her daughter, and when she gets her on her own for an evening, she can't cope and has to call her friends. And what's this resentment about Billy not being on hand? This is part of being a parent. She's convinced the Social she can cope, and as she says, Billy does have a life; so she imposes on Jay's and Abi's evening to mollycoddle her. And along comes Cock.
Of course, when Abi decrees they're staying, they stay. Abi's word is law, and then we get the most contrived, the most trite and most unreal social commentary conversation from these kids that it's unreal. A public service announcement for the Tory party about how kids grow up more stable in two-parent families, and how the presence of a father is important. (Foreshadowing of Dexter secretly longing for Sam in his life); Jay's reference to his Social Services upbringing - and I'm surprised Jase didn't get a mention here, and Abi bringing up the Brannings once again.
Is Lola turning stupid again, after seeming to grow up a bit? Sorry, love, but this is what being a parent is all about, and it's not calling on your mates to come and give you moral support every time you're scared.
What a load of codswallop! Jay's been ruined and Abi is totally unbearable right now. And Cock can just naff off with his man-in-drag ma when he's axed by the next EP.
Chapter Three: Jack, Max and Kirsty - Ever Decreasing Circles.
Nice to see Max and Kirsty have got out of bed long enough to have sex in the carlot portacabin. That must be the go-to place for sex - Sean and Carly, Janine and Ryan, Max and Vanessa, Max and Becca, Darren and Lauren, now Max and Kirsty. Do they ever sanitise and fumigate the place?
Of course, Kirsty's desperately trying to get pregnant and shitting herself about the scan Max has arranged.
Jack's back and wandering around aimlessly, as you do in Walford. Chance meeting with Michael in an empty and irrelevant fight club, and then Jack's day is rescued by seeing Amy wave to him at he window of the Vic.
I've just been struck by how irresponsible Jack and Michael Moon are. They both have Alfie raising their kids. Assholes. Glad they're both leaving.
Chapter Four: Ray Bags Another Man-in-Drag.
You know a character's leaving when they've done nothing for a year, and suddenly, they're not off our screens. We haven't been without Ray since he shook hands with the Afro-Caribbean actor who's stepping up to the plate to tale Ray's place in the ethnic quota which EastEnders denies it keeps.
Ray's all over the place, and more importantly, he's back with Kim. It must be her new lopsided, multicoloured wig/weave, which matches all the shades of pink in which she seems to reside at the moment. Kim's forgetting what a love rat Ray was and how he unceremoniously dumped her a few months ago, but since she couldn't get to first base with Sam the Sham, I guess Rebound Ray will have to do.
Do we care? Well, Ray will be gone in a couple of weeks, and Kim won't, so I guess we don't.
The Ugly
Need You Ask?
WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.
I have a question. Where did she get the money to hunker down all day in the Vic and drink, and drink alone? Surely in a place like that, she would have been cannon fodder for every asshole on the Square to make a pass. But noooooooo ...
Joey is there, also drinking alone, and offers her some fresh air. (Well, his mouth is open most of the time).
When he makes it clear he doesn't want to commit cousin-fucking anymore, we are subjected even more to the non-talented, arm-waving, shrieking, OTT reactions and gurning that Ms Jossa thinks is acting. It's not. It's also plain to see tonight why she's not considered remotely sexy to anyone but pubescent boys like DS's klendathu, who was born with both hands on his member, and asexual retards like hyuck hyuck xTonix.
Jossa's drunk is unconvincing, probably because she's never been drunk in her life and also probably because she can't act worth shit.
Yummy Mummy made an appearance to waddle after Lauren and rescue her from filling her face with splinters when she ran into Jack's arms. (No, Lauren is not Jack's daughter). That begs another question: Jo Joyner finished filming last week, which means she's on screen until early July, just six more weeks.
Do you see a leaving line on the horizon? No, neither to I. It's as if she's not going anywhere, until the last week of June, when the shit will hit the fan at record speed and she'll be off after Zainab in a black taxi.
Helpless. Utterly helpless.
A few people on Digital Spy have realised that Sharon should be on anti-depressants not painkillers and that the EE writers are doling out their usual, poorly-thought out nonsense.
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