EastEnders: Sympathy for the Devil - Review 02.05.2013

As the song says, it's the same old song ... same old same old ... same shit different day.

I would say that the people producing EastEnders certainly know their audience, based on the calibre of writing and characterisation at the moment. The core audience, to whom they pitch their ware, isn't the person who's watched from day one. It's not even the person who's watched since the 1990s.

The the higher end of the core audience consists of the Shannis-shippers, people who only knew Sharon from her last and second stint on the programme, the neurotic who suppressed her Oedipal urges and combined them with her maternal instinct to fuck off with a pretty boy who happened to be her brother, reminded her of her father and was immature enough to satisfy her maternal urges. The lower end of the viewing scale consists of assorted village idiots, who couldn't think critically if their lives depended on it.

These people can't see characters as complex. They can't conceive of good people doing bad, or bad people showing kindness. When someone calls another person by a term of endearment, it becomes name-calling. Characters are all substance with no depth. Phil is a thug. Janine is evil. People think Kat can carry on botoxed to her eyeballs and acting like a thirtysomething party girl. Bianca is a hero. David and Carol had a love affair to rival that of Frank and Pat. The only true iconic figure on the show has been Stacey Slater.

And Shirley and Phil were a match made in heaven, simply because they're both ugly.

Of course, these high-brow low brows, who cannot even read for comprehension, don't watch Coronation Street. They deride it, without watching it, because if they did, their one braincell would implode.

Coronation Street will shortly show an autistic character in a psychological break-down, and the rest of the year will see the consequences of an essentiall good man, whose one error of judgement and whose obsession with one woman led him to effect a horrendous act which will drive him to even lower depths. Karl Munro isn't an evil man, but he's a desperate one with tragic flaws. Coronation Street understands a complex character. 

EastEnders couldn't cope with someone like Roy Cropper, who would be an object of ridicule and comedy. Karl would simply be evil. It's easier for the Luddites who watch EastEnders to identify Janine as evil, without looking at the events surrounding her upbringing. It's easier for them to see poor, pitiful Michael as a victim because he's cute. The term "psychopath" goes willfully misunderstood.

Even reading about these actors proves insufficient, simply because such village idiots let their own conception of the world get in their way. An article about Letitia Dean wanting a stronger Sharon becomes all about her perceived "break" and how long it will be - and that was never the object of the article, only a detail within. Thus, an article about John Michie having his contract extended by six months on Coronation Street in order to finish Karl's character arc is propagated as Corrie axing Michie's character. It simply isn't. A seasoned character actor like John Michie knew Karl Munro had a short shelf life as soon as he lit the rag which torched the Rovers.

Just like as soon as Steve John Shepherd got the character blurb about Michael Moon being a psychopath, he knew his character was worth only two or three years' action at the most.

A lazy audience means a lazy writing room. Maybe the lower end of the audience scale - those who see bullying as funny and who think for some convoluted reason that Phil is desperately in love with Shirley should decamp to CBBC ... but even that might be too intelligent for their ken (and I don't mean Barlow).

Tonight's episode was a mishmash of nothing.

Fat Barbie Barbituate - Sex and Drugs and Rock'n Roll

Sharon the desperate drug addict, complete with trembling hands and desperate demeanor. 

Sex and drugs and rock'n roll is all she'll ever need, it seems. Sex with Phil, drugs courtesy of her new pusher and rock'n roll at the R and R.

OK, she must be addicted either to oxycontin (which is actually prescribed here) or, more likely, vicodin, which isn't and which is classed as a Class A dangerous drug. Both these are prescribed in the US and are used for severe pain, as in post-op pain or the pain from a back or other serious injury, which begs the question of how Sharon came to be taking them in the first place.

She must have had some sort of injury or an operation which was painful, otherwise she'd never have had recourse to this medication. It's given sparingly in the US and with great caution. But the reasons for it being prescribed have to be valid. All of this points glaringly to the fact that Sharon's been on the Square almost a year and we know nothing of what happened to her in the US from 2006 onward. It could very well be that she wasted her fortune on drugs, but we simply don't know.

Once again, we have this depicted irresponsibly. Sharon pops two pills in the morning around 9AM, and then a couple of hours later, she's popping two more. With her lunch date with Phil, I was seriously worried she was going to drink some wine, which would have been pretty serious.

And just when Shirley was making a bit of progress, TPTB regress her to the bitter and twisted old crone who, for some unknown reason, makes an unsolicited visit to Sharon's place of business on a morning when she should have been at work at the Minute Mart, just to make a barbed and jealous comment to Sharon.

Unanswered Question Number ONE: Just what exactly was Shirley doing there? What were her reasons? She's not fond of Sharon and has had precious little reason to speak with her. Even now, after all this time, she wants to warn Sharon off a man whom she still loves secretly? Who does she think she is? Does she presume to know Phil better than Sharon? 

Because she doesn't. She knew Phil at his worst and his lowest, and she encouraged this lowlife behaviour. Shirley brought out the worst in Phil. She encouraged him to handle stolen goods, punch down, steal from his family and generally be belligerant, just so she could swagger about Walford and throw her own weight about behind Phil. Now she's reduced to a B and B and taking orders from Denise in the corner shop.

Sharon has known and encourages the good side of Phil. Shirley saying Phil will never change is based on knowing the man all of two years and seducing him by encouraging an alcoholic to get drunk.

I just think it incongruous that she should, all of a sudden, stop by the club - which is usually not open to the public and only to deliveries that early in the morning - solely for the purpose of baiting Sharon.

She accuses Sharon of being desperate, on the wrong side of forty and afraid of being alone. Well, maybe Shirley should do some deep searching in the mirror, or maybe she should say the same thing to her friend Denise - because that description could apply to any of those three - as well as the likes of Carol Jackson and Kat Moon. Basically, Shirley's offered a generic description of any EastEnders' female over forty.

Even later in the pub, she lets her jealousy get the better of her, baiting Phil and Sharon by calling them Psycho and the Sugar Plum Fairy. Well, that's better than being The Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Of course The Tale of Fat Barbie and the Barbituates is the beginning of another "big" storyline promised us by Lorraine Newman, and it also ties in with (sigh) more of the Saga of Lexi and Lola.

Sharon is an addict and she's living with a recovering addict. Here's a chance for Phil to give back some of that therapy and help he received to a person he genuinely loves. But TPTB are going for more circular motions, because they're playing a game amongst themselves - See how many different writers can re-write the same scene in endless different ways.

Sharon's afraid of being alone. So is Phil. So is Ian. So is Carol. And Kat. And Shirley. And Denise. And the rest of the Square have Daddy Issues. Nothing to see here. Move on.Same shit, different day.

The Magic Negro: The Teacher Who Doesn't Teach.

Denny went to school today. Uncle Phil took him. So did Oscar. Because Yummy Mummy was picking both Oscar and Denny up from school. Denny and Oscar go to the same school as Tiffany and Mowgan Le Fat. And they're blessed because the Magic Negro is their head teacher.

Except she is never at school.

I accept in some circumstances, in a small village or an under-subscribed school, the Deputy Head may have to take some classes; but normally Heads and Deputy Heads deal with administration, discipline and running the school per se. They're the first to arrive around 7AM and the last to leave around 5PM. They don't get days off to work from home.

Yet here we have The Magic Negro wafting around the Square, buying a tea in the cafe with her Little Cock (as if she doesn't have a teapot and kettle at home) and then serenly buying flowers from the market to spread about her flat. No word of being at school or having to work, yet plenty of time to flirt with Billy Mitchell. A loser.

This is supposed to be a well-educated, well-spoken professional. Pretty soon, she'll be given her P45 like MyAnnoyingAlice for never showing up to work.

Yet, I suppose because she is the Magic Negro, her school feels her influence from afar, and all she has to do is pass benignly within the vicinity of want and need and her influence is felt.

The Magic Negro has an Achilles Heel - or rather, an Achilles Hell - in the shape of the old, grey drunken lag, the woman who gave birth to her and thinks that qualifies to call herself her mother. Cora the Bora just wants to "get to know her grandson." Get to corrupt him, more like. ASBO Granny is not some title to which the suburban-bred Magic Negro would be attracted.

The only thing Cora the Bora and the Magic Negro have in common is the fact that they both look like men in drag with funny hair - Cora the Bora's beehive and the Magic Negro's pineapple head.

Unanswered Question Number TWO: Why isn't Ava the Rava at work? It's a weekday and all the other children in the Square who attend Walford Primary have gone to school, why hasn't their Deputy Head?

Two Victims Passing the Buck.

Shall we let Man United's supporters call out Bianca and Kat?

Can we all agree on something? Bianca and Kat are two of the vilest women ever to be depicted on this programme. That, in their former incarnations, they were iconic and well-loved characters shows us how low they've fallen, due entirely to a former executive producer who threw anything to do with actual history in the programme to the extent that both characters are now not only unrecogniseable, but unlikeable.

Having lost their livelihood because of their wanton, cruel, ignorant and indiscriminate bullying of the market inspector, they hunker down in the cafe to blame each other for their current situation.

Kat blames Bianca and Bianca blames Kat. One thing on which they can both agree: This whole situation isn't Bianca's fault and it isn't Kat's fault. Bianca blames Kat because she started the bullying; Kat blames Bianca because Bianca pursued it. Kat thinks Bianca should apologise to Lister, but never thinks that she owes the man an apology, herself.

Later, they accost him in the market, themselves, with Bianca getting particularly belligerant and aggressive, before playing her usual trump card:

'Ow'm I supposed ter feed mah kids?

Well, she's lost Liam's appetite and gained Mowgan Le Fat's three appetites. Wah-wah-wah- poor-pitiful-me. Never once realising that she is the architect of her own fate; had she not collaborated with Kat in their childish and puerile behaviour to their professional superior, she wouldn't be in this plight. What was gobsmackingly astounding was that both women even thought to put Tamwar on the spot and expect him to fight their battle for them, considering they bullied Tamwar just as badly and gratuitously as they targeted Mr Lister. These people owe these two bitches not even the skin off their arse.

Oh, and poor Tyler ... he's a victim too. After all, wicked and evil Janine chucked him out of her house, and he's reduced to sleeping on Bianca's sofa. And even when someone independent of their situation offers help, like Billy, they turn on him and savage him.

These women need bitch-slapping in the worst way, and they need to be humbled in their arrogance. 

As for Kat, she needs to keep her nose out of Michael's and Janine's situation. She's doing this purely out of hatred for Janine. She never gave a rat's arse about Scarlett before; in fact, in the wake of Janine being driven away, it was Roxy who moved in and took over caring for the child.

She wants to stop and think that some woman sought to deny her of her child, and she wants it brought home to her that she played a major part in breaking up Janine's marriage to Ryan Malloy. Oh, and I'm still waiting for he to take responsibility for breaking up her own marriage.

And before anyone starts criticizing Janine for leaving Billy to babysit Scarlett, Katshit had hung around the cafe all day whining about losing her stall, only to dump Tommy with Whitney that evening. Notice Alfie was quick to ask where the child was. Kat was there with Bianca, who was wondering how to feed her brood of two, so they put drinking before their livelihoods. And for all Kat had the unmitigated gall to wonder how Janine could show her face - pot, kettle, black, anyone? How does that rank FAT bitch (please, put the lardy tits away) dare show her face after the way she behaved like a slut-on-heat for most of the year and then lied about it? 

Still, she's not too good to refuse Janine's free drinks, is she?

Slut. I want her to die. And I want Bianca to choke on her vile tongue.

Psychopathic Sympathy

Michael told the truth tonight. He doesn't care about Scarlett. He really doesn't. Or Tommy. Katshit shouldn't have tried to be so clever, and neither should that dumb-assed Alice the Goon by trying to project normal emotions onto this turd. Because he has no normal emotions.

The child was an object who was looked after and cared for by others so he could have a peaceful life. He had something that Janine never had and which he ensured she never had - emotional support. He went about doing his own business, whilst first Roxy and then Alice the Goon took care of Scarlett. And what does Alice do, but ferry her about from highbrow activity to highbrow activity. And as Michael is always bitching that he has no money - these activities don't come for free and they don't come cheap.

The object of all that "care" is to tire the kid out so that when Michael makes an appearance, she's washed, fed and put to bed for the evening.

Michael doesn't want anyone's sympathy, he wants to exert cruelty and punch down. So he does that to Ray, calling time on Ray's council-funded programme. Watch this space. Michael will run Jack's already fragile business into the ground.

As well, the remark he made about Sharon putting it about a bit was totally uncalled for, since he's not been too fussy about sleeping with Kat, who's a walking STD and since he's "put it about" himself with Roxy, Kat and Janine since arriving in Walford and since he was also keen to see to Kirsty Branning when she first arrived. I wanted Phil to deck his skinny, Spock-eared, psychopathic ass.

Michael is a mutant Vulcan, with the ears of Mr Spock and the charm of Tory grandee John Redwood.

As for Janine, I'm happy with her depiction. She's struggling, but that's normal, especially considering she was emotionally bullied and convinced by the piece of shit she married that she was an abysmal mother. She's certainly no different than the feckless Bianca or the slut Kat or the likes of Sharon who palms Denny off on all and sundry or Tanya who forgets that Oscar even exists.

The Non-Stories:-

Billy's Birthday: How many times do we need it drilled into our heads that Billy's a loser and that he has no lovelife for the moment? Every episode, it seems. Kudos to him for recognising that he has two ex-wives and kids he never sees, because he's effectively abandoned them to minister to the needs of Lola, whom he didn't know existed two years ago. The smelly cheap after shave was not funny. I do like his friendship with Janine, however.

The Non-Story of Jay and Dexter: Dexter was always a pointless character. A white privilegist's stereotypical depiction of an urban Negro youth, complete with diamond earring stud, bling chain and a fascination for his white grandmother when - guess what? - he was raised with the knowledge of his real white grandparents, the people who loved and raised his mother. Suffice it to say that TPTB sidelined Jay at Dexter's expense, pushing him front and centre, whilst domesticating and emasculating Jay to walk around dopey-toed after Abi the Dough-Faced Girl. Abi the Dough-Faced Girl and Jay made lurrrve, dontcha know? And there was no wet spot, no sticky icky smelly stuff on Abi's thighs and it didn't hurt a bit. Oh, and the earth moved. Now he's making tea for Dexter and giving Billy the cold shoulder.

Pointless characters and Jamie Borthwick has been seriously and professionally betrayed. Jay is an even wetter version of Jamie Mitchell.

Boring Yoof: Poppy and Fatboy's boring efforts to matchmake Tamwar with Alice the Goon. Quite honestly, Tamwar deserves better.

Masood and Carol, Walford's Odd Couple: Throw this one up against the wall and see if it sticks. Masood's been married thirty years and was recently being pursued by a hot young woman younger than his own daughter. Carol's had more traffic between her legs than the Blackwall Tunnel. They are not love's young dream, and their shy act is embarrassing. In real life, these two would avoid each other like the plague. Another aimless attempt by Newman to pair off two fiftysomething singletons because they fit into the same demographic. I want Zainab to come back and bitchslap Carol.

Same shit, different day.