EastEnders: Go Ask Alice - Review: 13.05.2013

It's the most supreme irony that EastEnders is at its worst point in terms of quality, and they come away with a BAFTA award for Best Continuing Drama.

Even more ironic, is the fact that most long-term viewers - and I'm talking about those people who remember further back than John Yorke -  didn;t want any sort of award recognition, either at the BAFTAs, or certainly not at the BSAs. 

Why?

Because to this particular producer, who has a very noticeable problem ...

...any awards achievement would give her credence that her ideas and storylines of her making have worked and are working for the audience.

Yes, I know that the BAFTA is awarded on the strength of a single episode, and that it's judged on its technical, direction, writing and production merits by a panel of professionals in the field. The Shaggerman Reveal was the episode which made EastEnders a BAFTA award-winner.  In reality, there were only a handful of episodes worth commendation in what was a pretty dire year for the show - Heather's murder and the subsequent episode, Janine's wedding, the revelation that Ben had killed Heather. That's about it.

Of course, Ms Newman will be even more pleased that this episode garnered the gong, because it featured her pet couple - Alfie and Kat; and in the aftermath of the awards' ceremony, she, Shane Richie and Jessie Wallace confirmed something that every viewer with a modicum of common sense was able to figure out themselves - that Kat and Alfie would get back together, that the action would all take place between September and Christmas.

I've been saying all along that they'd reunite at Christmas, which would be their tenth anniversary.

But I suppose they're validated now. After all, they've won a gong.

One thing for certain, and you heard it here first, there will be no Michael Moon suicide. Just go ask Alice ...

This was not a particularly good episode, even though Jeff Povey has a gaggle of episodes under his belt.

Poppy Knows Best ...

Things have come to a pretty pass in showing how stupid and naive Hollywood Alice is, when not only Fatboy, but also Poopy La Dim is able to fathom that there's something not quite normal about Michael.

Poopy La Dim knows exactly what a psychopath is, and Michael knows exactly how malleable and insipid Alice is. One of the most interesting aspects of this storyline is watching Michael play Alice and stitch her up like a kipper. She has such a crush on someone who thinks himself so far above the people around him.

I truly wish some of those wet knicker types on Walford Bullyboi Emporium and Digital Spy would take the time to look up the definition of a psychopath. They'd recognise Michael. So, shut up about the wonderful friendship Michael has with Kat. He doesn't give a rat's arse about her.

That virtuouso performance tonght when he saw the new nanny? All for show and intimidation. He'd already scared one nanny off, and he didn't even try; it was his total disinterest in just getting someone, anyone to look after a baby with whom he couldn't cope that spooked that girl. She knew there was something wrong with him, with his pale skin, Spock ears and eternal gurning ...

One of the better scenes, not to include Charlie Brooks or Stephen John Shepherd, was the scene at the salon where Poopy La Dim tried to talk some sense into Hollywood Alice. Get past the Look at Poppy and Poppy's going to give you some advice shit, and you'll see that Poopy La Dim is totally clued up about Michael's intentions. She's right - he wouldn't care anything about Alice or her feelings. Besides, as Poopy La Dim points out, Scarlett is not Alice's child, she's not her responsibility; but then Hollywood Alice is using the kid as a sop as much as Janine is and certainly as much as Michael is.

Getting Michael his toy back would raise her in his estimation, and maybe he would notice her romantically. Ne'mind, he's twenty years older, psychopathic and she's a plain, dumb daddy-fixated sprite with oversized veneers and ambitions on Hollywood. Please ... spare me the "My dad's watching down on me" codswallop. It's been almost six months and Derek is still being mentioned.

It was too rich that Alice even presumed to upbraid Janine about Michael's access to Scarlett.

Once again: It's fucking none of her business.

I'm surprised that Janine didn't threaten her with harassment and serve a court order on her skinny ass.

The contrived situation of the nanny turning her back on her charge and Alice coming to the rescue was beyond belief, and I'm not sure how much Janine is buying into Alice as a nanny. You can't play a player, and Janine knows that Hollywood Alice is deep in Michael's pocket. She's going to be watching Alice like a witch, and she'll know the minute she's ferreting the kid across the way for days out with psychopathic daddy.

The most amusing part of this vignette was Alice's confident arrogance in front of Poopy in the cafe about having done the right thing and snookered Janine; of course, it's exactly what Michael wanted her to do, and he enjoyed teasing her, leaning in for what Hollywood Alice thought was a major romantic kiss, and what turned out to be merely a peck on the cheek.

Her face at the end was a well-deserved picture of the penny dropping, and Hollywood Alice suddenly realising that she's about to be a pawn in a very big game, indeed.

Big Spender.

Here's a song for Denise ...

Tell me, what is the difference between Denise and Mandy? Yes, Mandy was materialistic, and she depended on Ian or whoever to provide her with nice, shiny expensive things to keep her happy. The more a man gave her in this respect, the happier she was and the happier she made him.

I didn't think Denise was like that. Oh, I knew she liked her passion, but I'm having trouble with the Denise and Ian relationship, simply because Denise formerly hated Ian, especially the brash, condescending, suited and booted Ian, who treated everyone else like shit. Don't forget that it was Denise who held the secret account Jane was building up in order to be able to leave Ian. That wasn't so long ago.

Now, all of a sudden, Denise, who, a few weeks ago, was wanting just a normal, comfortable companionship, is now getting horny over the sight of Ian Beale barking down a cellphone and flashing about a fistful of fifty pound notes.

Well, they say power is sexy, and I say that money he found in Derek's box is phony, and it's all going to come back and bite his arse. Ian says money is no object and it will soon be raining money, just might live to eat his words, but it provided us with yet another contrived scene of Denise showing up, all sexed-up, wearing a raincoat and nothing else, to sweep Ian back to his place for a huddle, not a cuddle.

It's the money that makes Ian sexy. When did Denise become like this? Yet another personality transplant, and another suspicion that Denise paired with Ian will mean she'll be taking the high road out of Walford in two years' time - either in a black cab or a box.

As a couple, if they marry, this lot of writers see nothing on the cards for them but odd comedy vignettes. She'll turn into a shrew. He'll become an arrogant slob. Two of Ian's kids are grown. We barely see Stage School Bobby. They're too old to start another family; besides, Ian has had the snip.

Yep, this is it for Denise. Drinking in the last chance saloon known as Le Square.

The Best Little Whorehouse in Walford.

Giving massages is just a hop, skip and a jump from the Chicken Farm, and you can bet your bottom dollar, someone's going to get the wrong end of the stick (pun intended), and Kim will be presumed to be a madam, complete with her amazing new multi-coloured wig and all.

The only thing of significance in this non-funny storyline was the beginning of Ray's leaving line. Blink, and you'll miss it.

The Never-Ending Story.

I don't know what annoys me more - the fact that the Lola-Lexi storyline is still going on or Lola's attitude toward Sharon.

Yeah, Sharon was stupid; but doesn't Lexi know that Phil is a recovering addict or that her Pops is an ex-dealer and child abuser, himself. She wouldn't be so particular in staying there, then, would she? She's targeted Sharon as someone who's "not right in the head," and that's a totally unfair assumption.

She's just a kid, and I appreciate she's afraid of losing custody of her daughter, but then she's also the one who's planning on taking her on what will prove to be a disastrous camping trip with three other morons in the near future, so she shouldn't be so quick to judge. The gift of a new crib from Sharon was most probably a cack-handed way of buying Lola's silence, but at the end of the day, it was a gift, and she was most ungrateful.

This was the Lola I hate and it was her worst, when she sits and scrunches up her face in that stubborn scowl and won't take any advice off anyone about anything.

I can't forget that Lola is the same feckless person who bragged about getting pregnant in order to cream off benefits. And if Sharon's popping pills, Lola smeared red paint on Lexi's foot when the kid was only a few weeks old and also gave her a rash from smearing beauty cream on her forehead. Sharon, stoned, is probably a better person to look after that child than Lola.

Billy's got a date with Ava.

What a treat. Not. Another contrivance of throwing two people of a similar age demographic together. Someone like Ava the Rava, wouldn't look twice at a loser like Billy.

Still, thiis is the continuing drama which won the BAFTA.

Go figure.

Oops!

It was so riveting, I forgot. Kirsty's still in bed, still not pregnant, still lying and getting hounded by phonecalls she won't answer from her ex, who'll appear in the next few weeks.