At the moment, EastEnders reminds me of the old Abbott and Costello "Niagara Falls" sketch.
You get the feeling that something is about to happen, that there's a storyline about to burst through there somewhere. You wait. And wait. And wait some more ... and then it fizzles out, or ... you wait so long, you forget what you're waiting for, and when it does happen, it doesn't matter anymore.
There's been a lot of Alfie-hate going around the various fora lately, along with a lot of Sharon-hate also.
I'm not the biggest fan of Shane Richie, but I like Alfie Moon, and when he was introduced ten years ago, he was a great character - interesting right from the start, and he complimented Kat in a way which brought her character to a different level. They were a mature couple, for whom the audience could root, someone you wanted to be happy.
Alfie hasn't ruined the Vic. Bryan Kirkwood and his writing room, many of whom are still in action on EastEnders, ruined the Vic, at the same time ruining Alfie and Kat. Kirkwood's Alfie was a doormat, existing only to be abused by Kat, for laughs, of course. Newman's Alfie is just an extension of Shane Richie's character, which isn't what Alfie Moon was originally, and isn't what he should be now.
On his day, Richie is one of the strongest actors on the show, but Newman has got to get away from the lazy temptation of playing him as Shane Richie.
As for Sharon, the people hating on her the most people watching the show - with the possible exception of one hoary old irrelevant troll ...
... who seem to be the biggest Sharon-haters, are people who either started watching the show in 2006 (and wouldn't remember Sharon anyway) or are disillusioned Shannisites, who find it incomprehensible that a love so divine could be so forgotten that Sharon would actually love Phil Mitchell.
Well, those people, Shannisites and weenie tweenies alike, don't realise that the Mitchells were created for Sharon, that they were to be her next level of development, after her parents left/died, and symbolised her transition from girl to woman. In fact, if Tony Jordan had had his way, Sharon would have returned to Walford with Grant's son, not the son of fey Dennis. Or, if Shannis had been allowed to stay longer on the Square with Phil and Grant, Shannis would have wilted like a rose in November.
Sharon Mach III is the result of writers who don't know the character, don't care about the character's history and think that her history and character can be rewritten to fit the story scheme someone is planning to pitch to the teenage demographic and lowest common denominator.
Tonight's episode just maybe saw the beginning of several new storylines. You had to watch hard and you had to pay attention, but maybe ... just maybe ... some of the big storylines Lorraine Newman has been promising us for so long, just might be about to start.
Or else I could be wrong.
As I said ... Lorraine Newman's tenure is a Niagara Falls tenure ... Slowly she turns, step by step, inch by inch ...
Having said all that, this episode was, by far, the best of the week.
One Door Shuts, Another Opens.
Could it be? Have we really seen the end of the Lola-Lexi fiasco?
It would appear so, and - apart from one segment - the end of this overlong storyline provided some of the best scenes in tonight's episode.
I don't know what's happened, but suddenly, the writing for Sharon and Phil, at least, and Billy, have gone up a gear, especially since last night.
Performance of the night goes to Billy, who seems to have acquired a set of balls from The Magic Negro (probably hers), and finally, finally, stood up to Phil Mitchell after a lifetime of being his dogged acolyte.
And finally, finally a writer puts before the audience what the issue of Lexi has always been for Phil, and Billy articulated it.
Lexi isn't Ben. And she isn't a second chance and an attempt at atonement for Phil with respect to his perceived failure with Ben. Ben was on a hiding to nothing when he arrived in Walford in 2006 and is most likely inherently psychopathic, like his great-uncle Archie and his cousin Ronnie (cue the Ronnie-shipper to crawl from the woodwork with a few choice comments). Above all, as Billy dared to point out to Phil, Lexi isn't Phil's child.
I know this was all about resolving the custody situation, but what I also felt was lost in this situation - especially with Sharon's participation in the supervisory order and its effecting - was that Billy didn't have balls enough to throw back at Phil that he had no real right to sit in judgement of Sharon, calling her a junkie and shouting the odds about that in a public place like the court waiting area and in front of both solicitors. Especially when Phil's a recovering junkie, himself, and less than a year ago, went on a drunk under the pressure of having to hide Ben's involvement in Heather's murder. More than anyone, he should know how stress and pressure can drive an addict to begin to use substances again.
The other downside of Billy is that he seems to have forgotten his own children, substituting Lola as his "baby," in lieu of Janet and William, whom - as Phil pointed out not long ago - Billy never sees. So, ironically, Billy is doing the same with Lola and Lexi as Phil was hoping to do - substitute someone for another. Lexi and Lola become substitutes for William and Janet, like Lexi was going to become a substitute for Ben.
And finally we see hints of the Sharon of old. This is 1990s Stand-Up-to-the-Mitchells Sharon ...
You want evidence that EastEnders was a lot more powerful twenty years ago? Well, cop this scene. Forget about your pithy Polish builder pissing himself at the sight of Amy and Kat and Roxy, watch Grant's lunatic army friend, complete with sawn-off shotgun, hold Grant, Sharon and Michelle hostage and end up shooting Michelle. This is the Sharon of old ...
(OT, this video is from the Seventies, but doesn't the girl singer look like a young Lindsey Coulson?)
A Menopause in the Making.
Let's continue with the cheesy romance that is Carol and Masood.
On second thought, let's not; because it featured Tiffany, who is neither clever nor cute as she approaches adolescence and who reminds me more and more of a female version of the old Mad magazine's icon, Alfred E Newman ...
(G'wan ... put some red pigtails on the lad and you've got Tiffany) ... and Mowgan Le Fat.
After spending a surreptitious night of passion with Masood (in Zainab's bed, no less), Carol's ready for the family dinner, complete with wineglasses (even though Masood doesn't drink) and candles.
Bianca the Retard immediately asks Carol if she's in love with Masood. Of course, she is. This is Carol, one Yank and they're off. Fuck first and fall in love later. Of course, Carol denies this and bigs up Masood's good qualities - he's kind, gentle and loyal. After all, he was married to one woman for thirty years - even though, in Carol's estimation, Zainab was a cow. (If Zainab's a cow, that must make Carol a rabbit, going at it like Thumper).
Yes, Masood's kind, gentle and loyal - but it's where his loyalties lie, which annoys Carol ultimately, because Masood stands her up with a bouquet of flowers. It seems Syed and Christian are both ill, and they have Yasmin for the week, so Masood has to shoot off (presumably to Birmingham) and babysit Yasmin, whilst nursing his son and son-in-law back to health).
So Carol begins to cry. Unexplicably.
Now Bianca the Retard could never put two and two together and wonder why her mother has a sudden rush of hormones to such an extent that she becomes inexplicably emotional. It wouldn't cross the diameter of Bianca the Retard's one brain cell that Carol is fiftysomething and just might be headed toward the dreaded change (which means, with Carol's temper, the kids should all wear cycling helmets around the house).
Nope, Bianca the Retard offers a sound assessment ... this is what happens when you put out too soon. My godfathers! That a child would have to offer advice like that to a mother.
Whoop-de-doo ... a story about the menopause for Carol If that's the best they have to offer Lindsey Coulson, then the actress should just leave now. And if you think David Wicks, if he does return, will settle for a menopausal granny, think again. He won't.
Alice the Goon.
Instead of Alice mmm-mmming "I Love Popeye," I reckon this Alice the Goon goes about every day mmm-mmming "I Love Michael" ...
Mmmm mmmmh Mm-mmm. Mmmm mmmmh Mm-mmm.
Is it me or does Michael look increasingly bizarre and insane each time he appears? Once again, he doesn't love Scarlett. She's a means to an end. A meal ticket. A sympathy card, which affords him an opening to con.
For everyone who condemned Janine for whispering to Scarlett the fact that Michael neither loved her nor her mother, they must also condemn Michael's evil "fairy tale" likening the child's mother to a witch in a tower, who deserves to be burned. So maybe we have an inkling to Michael's leaving tale.
Disabuse yourselves, shippers and Luddites, that Michael will commit suicide. Pyschopaths don't. They love themselves too much. However, they have no trouble with killing or causing the deaths of other people, as evidenced in the callous way Michael set Tyler up to be beaten to death. Michael would have no qualms at all about killing Janine and/or even Scarlett, and the image of the burning building probably means he'll try to kill her by setting the house afire with her, and possibly the baby, inside. And instead, a quirk of fate will mean he will die instead.
Good.
And good, too, that Alice the Goon has a conscience. Janine rewards her financially, when Michael couldn't pay her at all, and when he did, she almost got arrested for using counterfeit money. (I hope this money hasn't been forgotten). Janine also thanks Alice for helping her out additionally, and Alice is conflicted, by taking someone's trust and throwing it back in their faces. I hope she's got common sense enough to have listened to that fractured fairy tale and taken stock of what it meant.
The Wages of Gin.
Could this be the beginning of Tanya's leaving line? Sharon Marshall has hinted that Tanya's leaving line will involve
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.
So now, we see something emphasized that has never been emphasized so openly before - Tanya openly praising Abi in front of a drunken Lauren whom Tanya had helped to puke twice the night before.
As if Tanya's never been in that condition. Jack's worried enough, and the make-up people seemed to have scraped Jossa's face free of gook, apart from the collagened lip, to make her look fey and fragile on the morning after. So now this ceases to be all about Joey - "a boy I thought I loved" (er, no, love, he's your fucking cousin whom you've been fucking like a piece of white trash) - and more about Mommie Dearest favouring Abi over Lauren.
And Tanya's being portrayed as profoundly stupid, which is nothing new. She goes from concern about Lauren getting so rat-arsed that she doesn't remember the night before (after Tanya couldn't remember the circumstances leading up to her night spent beside Phil Mitchell in bed) to shrugging the whole thing off to Jack by saying Lauren is a teenagers and getting blind piss-arsed drunk every night is what teenagers do.
In fact - RETCON ALERT RETCON ALERT - Tanya tells Jack that she was doing the same thing as Lauren when she was Lauren's age.
Er ... I think not, Fink-Nottle. Because when Tanya was Lauren's age, she was married to Max and a full-time mother to an infant Lauren. Now, I'm not above thinking that Tanya probably downed a bottle of wine here and there, just as she was getting ready to breast-feed Lauren, which would have given Lauren an addiction from birth, literally, to alcohol, but I don't think Tanya would have been traipsing all over and getting pukeworthingly drunk at nineteen. Had she done so, Max would have kicked her arse back to the gutter from whence she originated, taken the baby and scarpered.
Like Phil, it's all about the kids with Max, you see.
So is this the beginning of the end for Yummy Mummy? One can live in hope. It would be a double-whammy if,when she left, she took both her insipid daughters, played by two lazy, lousy actresses, with her.
(In Khali Best's interview with various members of the cast, Jacqueline Jossa says she regrets not going ot a "proper" drama school, but then reminds herself that she still can. Yes, love, you can. As soon as the axe falls on your over-priced, over-rated neck, go to a proper one. If they'll have you).
Better episode than most. Not brilliant.
You get the feeling that something is about to happen, that there's a storyline about to burst through there somewhere. You wait. And wait. And wait some more ... and then it fizzles out, or ... you wait so long, you forget what you're waiting for, and when it does happen, it doesn't matter anymore.
There's been a lot of Alfie-hate going around the various fora lately, along with a lot of Sharon-hate also.
I'm not the biggest fan of Shane Richie, but I like Alfie Moon, and when he was introduced ten years ago, he was a great character - interesting right from the start, and he complimented Kat in a way which brought her character to a different level. They were a mature couple, for whom the audience could root, someone you wanted to be happy.
Alfie hasn't ruined the Vic. Bryan Kirkwood and his writing room, many of whom are still in action on EastEnders, ruined the Vic, at the same time ruining Alfie and Kat. Kirkwood's Alfie was a doormat, existing only to be abused by Kat, for laughs, of course. Newman's Alfie is just an extension of Shane Richie's character, which isn't what Alfie Moon was originally, and isn't what he should be now.
On his day, Richie is one of the strongest actors on the show, but Newman has got to get away from the lazy temptation of playing him as Shane Richie.
As for Sharon, the people hating on her the most people watching the show - with the possible exception of one hoary old irrelevant troll ...
Well, those people, Shannisites and weenie tweenies alike, don't realise that the Mitchells were created for Sharon, that they were to be her next level of development, after her parents left/died, and symbolised her transition from girl to woman. In fact, if Tony Jordan had had his way, Sharon would have returned to Walford with Grant's son, not the son of fey Dennis. Or, if Shannis had been allowed to stay longer on the Square with Phil and Grant, Shannis would have wilted like a rose in November.
Sharon Mach III is the result of writers who don't know the character, don't care about the character's history and think that her history and character can be rewritten to fit the story scheme someone is planning to pitch to the teenage demographic and lowest common denominator.
Tonight's episode just maybe saw the beginning of several new storylines. You had to watch hard and you had to pay attention, but maybe ... just maybe ... some of the big storylines Lorraine Newman has been promising us for so long, just might be about to start.
Or else I could be wrong.
As I said ... Lorraine Newman's tenure is a Niagara Falls tenure ... Slowly she turns, step by step, inch by inch ...
One Door Shuts, Another Opens.
Could it be? Have we really seen the end of the Lola-Lexi fiasco?
It would appear so, and - apart from one segment - the end of this overlong storyline provided some of the best scenes in tonight's episode.
I don't know what's happened, but suddenly, the writing for Sharon and Phil, at least, and Billy, have gone up a gear, especially since last night.
Performance of the night goes to Billy, who seems to have acquired a set of balls from The Magic Negro (probably hers), and finally, finally, stood up to Phil Mitchell after a lifetime of being his dogged acolyte.
And finally, finally a writer puts before the audience what the issue of Lexi has always been for Phil, and Billy articulated it.
Lexi isn't Ben. And she isn't a second chance and an attempt at atonement for Phil with respect to his perceived failure with Ben. Ben was on a hiding to nothing when he arrived in Walford in 2006 and is most likely inherently psychopathic, like his great-uncle Archie and his cousin Ronnie (cue the Ronnie-shipper to crawl from the woodwork with a few choice comments). Above all, as Billy dared to point out to Phil, Lexi isn't Phil's child.
I know this was all about resolving the custody situation, but what I also felt was lost in this situation - especially with Sharon's participation in the supervisory order and its effecting - was that Billy didn't have balls enough to throw back at Phil that he had no real right to sit in judgement of Sharon, calling her a junkie and shouting the odds about that in a public place like the court waiting area and in front of both solicitors. Especially when Phil's a recovering junkie, himself, and less than a year ago, went on a drunk under the pressure of having to hide Ben's involvement in Heather's murder. More than anyone, he should know how stress and pressure can drive an addict to begin to use substances again.
The other downside of Billy is that he seems to have forgotten his own children, substituting Lola as his "baby," in lieu of Janet and William, whom - as Phil pointed out not long ago - Billy never sees. So, ironically, Billy is doing the same with Lola and Lexi as Phil was hoping to do - substitute someone for another. Lexi and Lola become substitutes for William and Janet, like Lexi was going to become a substitute for Ben.
And finally we see hints of the Sharon of old. This is 1990s Stand-Up-to-the-Mitchells Sharon ...
You want evidence that EastEnders was a lot more powerful twenty years ago? Well, cop this scene. Forget about your pithy Polish builder pissing himself at the sight of Amy and Kat and Roxy, watch Grant's lunatic army friend, complete with sawn-off shotgun, hold Grant, Sharon and Michelle hostage and end up shooting Michelle. This is the Sharon of old ...
Lord knows, how this scene and storyline, a culmination of Grant being tempted into a life of crime with an old army buddy, would play out today in Lorraine's Kingdom of Love and Warmth; but tonight, for one brief, shining moment, we saw Sharon stand up, as is her wont, to the Mitchell nemesis, flinging back in Phil's face the real reason she was there at all - for Lexi and Lola, whilst her presence just reinforced Phil's own self-obsession re everything being about him and Sharon.
Hopefully Letitia Dean's character has turned a corner. Just watching this clip reminds me that now, more than ever, the show is crying out for the return of Ross Kemp and all the unfinished business that remains between him, Sharon and Phil.
Forget the psychopathic Ice Queen. Get Grant back.
Especially effective was the scene of Phil, at the end of the day's proceedings, alone in his house, attempting to watch a Western. Believe you me, he wasn't thinking of Shirley; he was missing Lexi, and he was certainly missing Sharon. Another reason for Lexi's presence in Phil's life was the same as Mandy's in Ian's - he's desperately afraid of being alone.
Downsides to This: The involvement of the weenies - Cock, Jay lo castrato and Abi the Dough-Faced Girl. The fact that Abi can go from "Omigod-it's-awesome" shallow breathlessness to a Dot-in-Training sudden sage is mind-boggling. Abi is neither wise nor profound. She's just stupid. In reality, she'd cross the street to avoid a chav like Lola. Odd that her studies take a backseat to this situation, and I'm hoping she fails her exams. Even more unreal was their second appearance, with a bottle of champagne, which isn't cheap, so Phil must be paying Cock and Jay some kind of wage, especially since Jay's affording to live in the B and B, which isn't cheap.
Bringing around booze to celebrate a teenage mother regaining custody of her child isn't the smartest thing to do, especially since Lola's now in charge of Lexi, so it's pretty stupid to think she'd have a few bevvies on Lexi's first night back. Why, she'd be as bad as Sharon the Junkie, wouldn't she?
The other downside was the totally weird "duff-duff," which - of course - was all about love and warmth and cuddles ... and definitely wasn't EastEnders. This is what I mean about losing your brand.
A Tale of Two Slappers.
We had another bonding sequence today between Roxy and Kirsty.
That Roxy! You gotta love her! She's been bonding all over the place recently - first Kat, now Kirsty. Of course, Roxy thinks Kirsty's pregnant, when Roxy is trying for a baby, herself; and Kirsty knows she's not pregnant, but gives Roxy some twofold advice, with some folic acid to aid in conception and some homespun advice about trying too hard for a baby, because it won't happen.
Kirsty should know. That's what she's been doing, and the pregnancy test is negative again.
But tonight was less about Kirsty's lie (although it's lingering there on the back burner, about to boil over every time Max swears undying love and protection for Kirsty "and the baby" (which isn't there) and more about the phone calls she's been receiving.
It seems her ex, another dodgy man named Carl (as opposed to Corrie's Karl with a K, another dodgy ex of another bottled blonde who, in another life, was Cindy Beale), who's about to be released from prison and who wants to know where Kirsty is.
Max reassures her that Carl won't find her, but you know he will. I mean, if Sam the Sham can hone in on The Magic Negro after an absence of 20 years, then Carl-Baby can simply gravitate to Kirsty after an absence of little more than a year.
Easy peasy.
So we know that we'll be seeing Carl-with-a-C (as opposed to Karl-with-a-K, who - in another life, ironically - was Ian Beale's brief who was charged with battling Cindy for custody of the Beale children) in the near future.
Why do I have an awful feeling that another love triangle is about to ensue? We'll dispence with Kirsty-Max-Tanya and carry on with Max-Kirsty-Carl.
I can hear a Max and Carl duet ...
(OT, this video is from the Seventies, but doesn't the girl singer look like a young Lindsey Coulson?)
A Menopause in the Making.
Let's continue with the cheesy romance that is Carol and Masood.
On second thought, let's not; because it featured Tiffany, who is neither clever nor cute as she approaches adolescence and who reminds me more and more of a female version of the old Mad magazine's icon, Alfred E Newman ...
(G'wan ... put some red pigtails on the lad and you've got Tiffany) ... and Mowgan Le Fat.
After spending a surreptitious night of passion with Masood (in Zainab's bed, no less), Carol's ready for the family dinner, complete with wineglasses (even though Masood doesn't drink) and candles.
Bianca the Retard immediately asks Carol if she's in love with Masood. Of course, she is. This is Carol, one Yank and they're off. Fuck first and fall in love later. Of course, Carol denies this and bigs up Masood's good qualities - he's kind, gentle and loyal. After all, he was married to one woman for thirty years - even though, in Carol's estimation, Zainab was a cow. (If Zainab's a cow, that must make Carol a rabbit, going at it like Thumper).
Yes, Masood's kind, gentle and loyal - but it's where his loyalties lie, which annoys Carol ultimately, because Masood stands her up with a bouquet of flowers. It seems Syed and Christian are both ill, and they have Yasmin for the week, so Masood has to shoot off (presumably to Birmingham) and babysit Yasmin, whilst nursing his son and son-in-law back to health).
So Carol begins to cry. Unexplicably.
Now Bianca the Retard could never put two and two together and wonder why her mother has a sudden rush of hormones to such an extent that she becomes inexplicably emotional. It wouldn't cross the diameter of Bianca the Retard's one brain cell that Carol is fiftysomething and just might be headed toward the dreaded change (which means, with Carol's temper, the kids should all wear cycling helmets around the house).
Nope, Bianca the Retard offers a sound assessment ... this is what happens when you put out too soon. My godfathers! That a child would have to offer advice like that to a mother.
Whoop-de-doo ... a story about the menopause for Carol If that's the best they have to offer Lindsey Coulson, then the actress should just leave now. And if you think David Wicks, if he does return, will settle for a menopausal granny, think again. He won't.
Alice the Goon.
Instead of Alice mmm-mmming "I Love Popeye," I reckon this Alice the Goon goes about every day mmm-mmming "I Love Michael" ...
Mmmm mmmmh Mm-mmm. Mmmm mmmmh Mm-mmm.
Is it me or does Michael look increasingly bizarre and insane each time he appears? Once again, he doesn't love Scarlett. She's a means to an end. A meal ticket. A sympathy card, which affords him an opening to con.
For everyone who condemned Janine for whispering to Scarlett the fact that Michael neither loved her nor her mother, they must also condemn Michael's evil "fairy tale" likening the child's mother to a witch in a tower, who deserves to be burned. So maybe we have an inkling to Michael's leaving tale.
Disabuse yourselves, shippers and Luddites, that Michael will commit suicide. Pyschopaths don't. They love themselves too much. However, they have no trouble with killing or causing the deaths of other people, as evidenced in the callous way Michael set Tyler up to be beaten to death. Michael would have no qualms at all about killing Janine and/or even Scarlett, and the image of the burning building probably means he'll try to kill her by setting the house afire with her, and possibly the baby, inside. And instead, a quirk of fate will mean he will die instead.
Good.
And good, too, that Alice the Goon has a conscience. Janine rewards her financially, when Michael couldn't pay her at all, and when he did, she almost got arrested for using counterfeit money. (I hope this money hasn't been forgotten). Janine also thanks Alice for helping her out additionally, and Alice is conflicted, by taking someone's trust and throwing it back in their faces. I hope she's got common sense enough to have listened to that fractured fairy tale and taken stock of what it meant.
The Wages of Gin.
Could this be the beginning of Tanya's leaving line? Sharon Marshall has hinted that Tanya's leaving line will involve
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.
As if Tanya's never been in that condition. Jack's worried enough, and the make-up people seemed to have scraped Jossa's face free of gook, apart from the collagened lip, to make her look fey and fragile on the morning after. So now this ceases to be all about Joey - "a boy I thought I loved" (er, no, love, he's your fucking cousin whom you've been fucking like a piece of white trash) - and more about Mommie Dearest favouring Abi over Lauren.
And Tanya's being portrayed as profoundly stupid, which is nothing new. She goes from concern about Lauren getting so rat-arsed that she doesn't remember the night before (after Tanya couldn't remember the circumstances leading up to her night spent beside Phil Mitchell in bed) to shrugging the whole thing off to Jack by saying Lauren is a teenagers and getting blind piss-arsed drunk every night is what teenagers do.
In fact - RETCON ALERT RETCON ALERT - Tanya tells Jack that she was doing the same thing as Lauren when she was Lauren's age.
Er ... I think not, Fink-Nottle. Because when Tanya was Lauren's age, she was married to Max and a full-time mother to an infant Lauren. Now, I'm not above thinking that Tanya probably downed a bottle of wine here and there, just as she was getting ready to breast-feed Lauren, which would have given Lauren an addiction from birth, literally, to alcohol, but I don't think Tanya would have been traipsing all over and getting pukeworthingly drunk at nineteen. Had she done so, Max would have kicked her arse back to the gutter from whence she originated, taken the baby and scarpered.
Like Phil, it's all about the kids with Max, you see.
So is this the beginning of the end for Yummy Mummy? One can live in hope. It would be a double-whammy if,when she left, she took both her insipid daughters, played by two lazy, lousy actresses, with her.
(In Khali Best's interview with various members of the cast, Jacqueline Jossa says she regrets not going ot a "proper" drama school, but then reminds herself that she still can. Yes, love, you can. As soon as the axe falls on your over-priced, over-rated neck, go to a proper one. If they'll have you).
Better episode than most. Not brilliant.
No comments:
Post a Comment