EastEnders: Much Ado About Nothing - Review: 17.05.2013

The song describes the show:-

In other words, same shit, different day.

Except that today, the topic of discussion is the return of another great white hope of a female character.

Samantha Womack is returning for six months to reprise the role of Ronnie.

I've nothing against Ronnie, but I've nothing for her either. She's yet another degree of psychopath (an inherited tendence, remember), who will show up, unrealistically, on the Square in order to facilitate the break-up of Alfie and Roxy and reunite him with Kat. 

Succinctly put, Ronnie is precluded from coming anywhere near the Square, as per Kat's probation conditions. Yes, Kat forgave Ronnie, but that doesn't mean she'll ever forget what she did, and she certainly wouldn't want to see her swanning about the Square day in, day out. So some sort of magic is going to have to be worked (or retconned) in order to allow her to return.

And we'll be subjected, yet again, to The Ronnie Show.

Is this a coup for Newman? In a sense, it is. She's broughth back a fairly recent character,  someone with whom - unlike Sharon from the 1980s or Bianca from the 1990s or Kat from the early part of this century - the current writing room are more familiar. They won't shred Ronnie the way they eviscerated Sharon and Kat, and they won't make her a retard the way the have Bianca.

One sage soul reckons that TPTB will stack a plethora of storylines surrounding Saint Ronnie, the Matron Saint of Psychopaths, in order that they can go to work behind the scenes writing better material for better characters.

Hope floats.

As long as Ronnie returns for six months and then leaves, I'm happy with that. I'll even stick The Ronnie Show, but this is a character who is genuinely spent. I just want her to do what she has to do and go. Like Ronnie, who never gave a rat's arse about anyone but herself and Roxy (as far as she could control her), I don't give a rat's arse about Ronnie, and therein lies the problem.

Because I no longer give a rat's arse about most of the cast, specifically that turdfest we saw tonight.

What a load of codswallop!

Epic Fail.

First of all, there were  heaps of praise last night on Walford Web Bully Emporium, especially from those expert drama critics widdle *Betty*, ToryBoy Jark,  and Wank-a-Slutter Mitchell, especially regarding Clare Perkins and Cornell S John. 

My verdict? This ...

They stank. Unless anyone be in any doubt, John is the natural successor to that plank of wood otherwise known as Jack Branning, and memo to *Betty*:

Just because you scream, flail your arms and bend from the waist as if in physical pain, that doesn't mean you're a great actor. It means you're a ham. Now ... go sit on the naughty step and take your hand out of the front of your trousers.

It was no better tonight.

The majority of this episode was concerned with the following:-

• an incidental character, made permanent, who's not remotely interesting, with no discernable backstory and no character arc. It's debatable that she even has a job.
• an unnecessary and unintelligible stereotypical black urban youth with no function whatsoever and not in the least bit likeable.
• an old grey hag and a drunk, who is imminently unlikeable.
• a very new character about whom we know nothing and about whom we care less.
• an unfunny woman with weird hair.

Let's begin with Dexter. Ava the Rava really hasn't brought him up at all well. He's rude, presumptuous, dishonest, lazy, disrespectful, and unintelligible.

This is Khali Best's first professional role, and it shows. He has the articulace level of Tony Discipline and David Witts, but Witts - in real life - is actually an articulate, well-spoken young man. There's no need for him to garble his dialogue the way he does.

Best is 26 and playing a 20 year-old. His final scene was, frankly, embarrassing.

He's a spoiled mamma's boy, who is disrespectful to people in general, completely disregards his mother's wishes, presuming to know better than she, he sought to scam customers at the garage where he works, he lolls about whilst Jay does all the work, and he's extremely badly spoken. A teacher would never allow her child to speak thus.

He's really a character who shouldn't be. Both he and his man-in-drag ma knock-offs brought in to justify the existence of the putrid old, mouldy Cora the Bora in the wake of Tanya leaving. Cora the Bora gets her black family, and Denise gets her blonde, blue-eyed one. Mas dates Carol, Fatboy loves Poopy, and we're all happy in the Rainbow World of Walford. In fact, I'm sure that the cast singing this song will be EastEnders' next contribution to Red Nose Day:-

Warmth and Friendship, dontcha know?

He's attracted to a man who's really a virtual stranger, and he automatically reckons "Jacob" is a better man than Billy Mitchell and less of a loser. I'm a bit disappointed that Jay didn't defend Billy more, especially when Dexter was going on and on and on and on about the mystery man and setting Ava the Rava up on a date with him, all the while whilst Jay grafted on the car project.

One wonders why Phil continues to employ him. It's not like Phil Mitchell to pack deadwood, and Ajay, who's seldom seen in the Arches probably does more work than Dexter is capable of doing. And didn't Phil say Jay was the better mechanic?

We were subjected to Ava the Rava, also known as The Magic Negro, doing her rounds on the streets of Walford today - anyplace but actually showing up to her job of Deputy Head. Alice lost her job from having too many days off; I wonder if Ava will. How long before she's doing a shift in the launderette.

This poor attempt at a French farce - The Magic Negro hoping her big little secret scarpers from Walford, whilst various and sundry Walford residents unwittingly conspire to have him stay is timeworn, cliched and trite. We know what will happen. Within a few weeks, Ava the Rava will confess to having feelings for Sam (formerly known as Jacob), and the rest will be predictable history.

Equally disturbing is Dexter's attraction to his louche and disrespectful biological grandmother. As I've said before, I wouldn't trust any young person associating with Cora the Bora. She's an old trout and an alcoholic with poor judgement and a hypocrite. She is a sheister, who has no morals. As sure as eggs are eggs, she'll get Dexter off the beaten track. In fact, she looks at him as though she'd like to suckle and then bed him, and that's creepy.

First of all, the sooner Dexter is told, in no uncertain terms, that Cora is not Ava's mother, the better. She is merely the woman who gave birth to Ava, and she is remotely related to Dexter; but his real grandparents - and Ava's real parents - are the couple who raised her and helped her deal with Dexter. It looks as though these people are still alive, because of the new shirt incident a couple of weeks ago, so why he's so fascinated with Cora the Bora is beyond me. She's as much of a rejection meme as Sam is in his life.

Ava was right to tell her to butt out of the incident at the pub. She knew nothing of the background of events, because she allowed herself to be guided by someone who knew less than she - Dexter - and she sought to impose herself on the situation in a familial sense. She doesn't get the message. You can't force yourself on people, and just because you gave birth to a child doesn't mean you are entitled to call yourself a parent.

Her presumption about Ava "needing to get out more" was rich. She knows nothing about this woman - her interests, her needs, her aspirations; and they have absolutely nothing in common.

The whole apex of the situation - the inevitable realisation that Sam is Dexter's father - was embarrassing to watch - the shouting, the screeching, and Best's totally overly-dramatic exit and angst. Even more embarrassing was the scene in the pub,which saw Dexter sat with Sam discussing football. For a brief moment, Sam was rendered speechless, gobsmacked, by Dexter droning on and on and on and on and on, unintelligibly. His eyes glazed over, and we were asked to believe this was a father's epiphany with his long-lost son, but it seriously and creepily looked as though Sam fancied Dexter.

Seriously, he's not a son of which to be proud.

Memo to writers, especially the atrocious Katie Douglas, who heaped this steaming pile of shit on the nation tonight: Not everyone in the EastEnd supports West Ham or Leyton Orient. I think you'll find there are just as many Spurs and Gunner supporters, even a sprinkling of Chelsea supporters living there.

Add to this non-drama, the almost poignant scene of Ray introducing himself to Sam and the two shaking hands. That, ladies and gents, was the passing of the quota torch for EastEnders. One black man is taken out of the game, to be replaced by another. Ian Wright for Jimmie Floyd Hasselbaink, Marvin Gaye for Barry White, Denzell Washington for Jamie Foxx.

Having read through Chucky Venn's less-than-happy twitterings about his "decision" to leave by mutual consent (read: he was sacked), that scene must have galled him mightily.

And then there was Kim. With every episode, Kim becomes more and more a Geraldine Jones  incarnation. Of course, Geraldine Jones was a man-in-drag.

I'll swear, if the late Flip Wilson were alive today to do Geraldine, he's look like Tameka Empson, and I'd be surprised if she isn't channelling Wilson for her role of Kim. The only difference is she isn't funny.

Why are we not surprised that Kim, one of the vainest and shallowest characters ever to appear on this programme, has her sights set on Sam? He's male and he's attractive, and he's taking the place of Ray. No surprises there, except that her kitchen hygiene at the B and B is just as scummy as it was about a year ago when it was shut down.

Do I care about all these insignificant characters who contribute nothing? 

No.

Bad Observation: I want Grant to come back. I want him to come back with 16 year-old Courtney Mitchell. I want her spoiled, with an attitude and Grant's temper. Then I want her to bounce Abi the Dough-faced Girl all around the Square before planting her right foot squarely in Abi's lardy arse and kicking her far from Walford.

Abi is turning into one spiteful, materialistic and spoiled little bitch. She doesn't give a toss about Jay, just about the holiday he's working like a skivvy to get for her. She's quite happy to plot and plan a romantic interlude for Ava with Dexter, and her most creative idea is to meet up for a drink in the Vic? Really, Abi?

She has the most slappable chipmunk cheeks that are just crying out to be bitch-slapped, I can't wait for Courtney to return. She's awful. She's a Branning, and I hope she goes.

Also, what the hell is Dexter doing hanging out with these loser little kids when he's more into the Tyler demographic?

Good Observation: The only positive aspect about this dire presentation tonight was the divine Diane Parish. She's always watchable, but the fact that she's going to be paired with Ian Beale means she'll be on her way out of Walford in the next two years - either in the back of a taxi or in a box.

Final Observation: I am surprised, indeed, that Sam is Dexter's father. I made sure his father was Mr Worf from Star Trek, because the resemblance is so pronounced:-

(Especially the forehead).

Billy No-Mates.

Dexter disdains Billy because he reckons Billy is a go-fer. But what is Dexter? Phil Mitchell's go-fer.

I am at a loss to think, not only what Ava the Rava would see in someone like Billy Mitchell, but also what Billy would see in her.

Billy likes gentle, pliant women,and he isn't big on brainpower. Think Little Mo, Honey and Julie. Someone who resembles a man in drag with arms like a sumo wrestler is hardly going to be Billy's type. Imagine if they got married ... Ava could carry Billy over the threshold.

Billy thinks he's punching above his weight with Ava, but Ava could flatten him in a New York Minute. 

He's still the brunt of Phil's humour and the domestic sustenance of Janine's empire. Director of Operations means Billy does the windows.

Nice moment between him and Lola when she bought him a DVD and promised him a night in with her and Lexi. She loves Billy,and for the moment, that should be enough. 

Still, this vignette was nothing we didn't already know about Billy the perpetual loser and the Mitchell's village idiot.

Speaking of which ...

Bianca the Retard Gets Jealous.

Carol slept with Masood. The Blackwall Tunnel is open again for business. Masood has been deep into infidel territory and is now defiled. He needs to be purified at his mosque immediately, but not before he's been down the clinic. I would have loved to have seen Tamwar's face across Carol's at the breakfast table, and I would have loved him to quip, "I miss Mum."

The truth about cats and dogs is that Masood would never go with an old trout like Carol, and both actors deserve better.

Still, Rainbow World filled with love and happiness.

And jealousy.

Once again, Whitney the Wise puts her puerile stepmother in her place. Bianca is jealous, not only that Carol is having a social life with a man, but also that Whitney is engaged to be married. In short, Whitney and Carol are getting some nookie, and Bianca has been a dried up old prune for more than a year.

And whose fault is that?

Ahem ... may I remind you that Bianca is the architect of her own pathetic destiny?

(Aided and abetted by Carol's bitter suggestion, of course).

Bianca the Retard sulks because Mommie Dearest has a man, and she doesn't. The only thing remotely resembling a man whom Bianca can pull is the insipid Ajay. So a woman a generation younger contrives to make Bianca, the parent, feel like a rubbery piece of cheese. That a thirty-seven year-old mother of three should behave worse than her pre-teen daughter is mind-boggling. But then this is Kirkwood's and Newman's vision of Bianca.

One thing I;ve always found astounding about Bianca: she had that whopper of an affair with Dan Sullivan (off-screen) when she was fifteen and was also witness to Whitney's abuse at the same age by Tony King.

Yet, at no time either in1999 nor in 2008, did anyone reference Dan's affair with an underaged Bianca as what it was: rape. In fact, Bianca was aggressively touting the twenty-one year-old Callum Monks as prize meet for the fifteen year-old Whitney to try out, claiming that such a liaision was "no big fing."

Bianca's cornered the market on Village Idiots. Billy belongs to the Mitchells, but Bianca is the three-in-one collective Village Idiot of the Beales, the Butchers and the Brannings.

Pop Goes the Weasel.

Oy, this bloke appeared on EastEnders once ... and then he died.

Ian is in thrall to the business sense of his bag o'bones daughter.

Bag o'bones doesn't trust him to function responsibly on her own.

She's right.

He's now officially embezzling from her business account to finance the construction of his restaurant.

Here's a thought: Does Ian think Lucy's that dense that she won't notice a cheque is missing, if not from noticing that the stubs are now out of sequence, but when her statement comes? I guess we have weeks of rivetting scenes of Ian trembling and sweating whilst he waits for Masood to arrive with the post, hoping to intercept Lucy's bank statement.

What's so funny about peace, love and understanding, I ask ...

Not much, Nick ... at least not in Walford.

Oh well, at least Shirley was back on form tonight with some zingers.