All aboard, one and all, for Lorraine Newman's all-singing, all-dancing, no-working, peace-love-and-understanding, magical mystery tour of Walford ....
Yes, my lords, ladies and gentlemen, Walford, under Lorraine, has become a treasure trove of warmth, friendship and understanding. People are so happy and loving, they don't have to work, and those who do work, don't have to cheat the punter. Everyone sticks together, and no one ever takes the blame - unless you're wicked, evil Janine.
Teenagers pop their cherries for the first time and wax lyrical about "what's there to say? We made love". Yessir, that first time experience included no wet spots, no cheesy smells, no farts in bed and no sticky substances on a certain girl's thunder thighs.
Alcohol and drug addictions are wiped away in a week's worth of bad scripts. Gangs are verbally battered silly by SuperRetardChav, otherwise known as Bianca, who in her daytime job, thinks nothing of bullying and badgering her employment superiors for doing nothing more than their jobs.
The Magic Negro is on virtual patrol dispensing wisdom and sagacity, and when she's not around, Saint Kat, the Matron Saint of Sluts, will protect you, physically, from all harm. You can buy her special gold-plated medal to wear for your protection. It's on sale on the market for a fiver and its symbol is an inverted Y - no explanation is necessary, but it does come with a packet of three condoms.
Cousins can fuck cousins without compunction; sisters can marry brothers. Psychopaths are viewed as sympathetic beings, no matter how many times they've conned, manipulated and psychologically mistreated their victims; as long as the psychopath is a man and physically attractive - and maybe has a baby in tow - then they're beautiful people.
Murder a psychopath, however, and you walk free - that is, if you're a Slater who married a Branning. But that's Walford for you, folks.
Walford is a place where everyone is connected in some way to the Brannings. They're connected in one way, shape or form to the Beales, the Butchers, the Mitchells and now the Masoods. Watch this space, and in a few weeks, they'll also be connected to Patrick and the B and B.
Youngsters walk the streets, never needing to work, in Walford. Money can be plucked from any number of trees in Albert Square, and you'll always find hospitality at any of the numerous eateries for which Walford is famous - Cindy's Cafe, Beale's Plaice, the Vic or Masood's kitchen (if he makes too much tandoori). And now, shortly to open, is Walford's very own exclusive restaurant, Le Square. You'll be able to dine in the comfort of old English surroundings whilst being Silver Serviced by a gibbering, New Age idiot or a sanded and creosoted, greasy gypsy wannabe, who'll give you a bit of the old 'ow's yer favvah if she reckons you're a badboy. Or ... you can slum it and eat at McKlunkeys.
For convenience, we have The Minute Mart, where our lovely assistants, Denise and Shirley, will be happy to serve you with a smile, whilst they pocket your money.
Don't worry if you can't find Walford on the map. Just follow the direction of Bianca the Meandering Retard's voice, or follow the gleam from MyAlice's new set of Hollywood Teeth.
Please, please visit Walford. Visitors' figures have been down lately, and we wonder if it's due to the recession. It couldn't possibly be because of our numerous, young, ambitious and supremely entitled service representatives, who have something of a difficulty enunciating properly. After all, they are just so beautiful ...
It's the middle of May, and Friday was a warm and sunny day. So why is it always cold in Walford?
The Return of the Native.
It was really nice to see Laila Morse again, the first appearance since Boxing Day. Of course, we all know - courtesy of Laila's autobiography - that Lorraine axed the character of Big Mo back in June of last year, instead preferring that Laila re-appear from time to time as a recurrent character. This means, she's only paid, per hour, for the filming she does on the day.
Were the viewers told about this? No. But then, we weren't told that Sid Owen was sacked. We weren't told that Laurie Brett had left. We were told that Patsy Palmer was taking a year's maternity leave when she said that she'd decided not to return and then only did so when she got a so-called "working mother's" contract which real working mothers would kill to have. We weren't told that Nina Wadia was leaving until after she'd finished filming, and we had a mishmash of lies about Jo Joyner's departure when most people with a modicum of common sense knew that when someone decides not to renew a contract, they ain't coming back.
So, in return for twelve years of service, Laila Morse got a secret slide out the door. Chucky Venn is the next one, and he's not a happy bunny at the moment. All the glib nonsense about him leaving "by mutual consent" is nothing more than spin on the fact that he was the wrong black man. This year's model is Cornell S John.
Big Mo may not be a Class A character, but she's important to the history of the show. She's Pat Butcher's sister-in-law, and - as such - the-great aunt of Bianca the Retarded ChavGirl and an aunt of the said-to-be-returning David Wicks. She was a good background character who provided support on occasion and the odd laugh and quirk.
Laila Morse deserved better.
Still, it was good to see Big Mo, shouting the odds, at Katshit Slutter, although it's a bit much to believe she's been holed up in the flat above the Vic babysitting and hording stolen goods for Fat Elvis for the past five months, sight unseen.
Mo wants her rent money, and the resident psychopath has a ready wad to hand her. I'm still wondering where he comes about this bundle, because - as he's quick to remind Janine - he has nary a pot in which to deposit his urine. Yet he not only pays his own rent, but that of MyAlice of the Hollywood Teeth. Michael took possession of Derek's horde of counterfeit money and was caught previously trying to pass the lot. What I'm wondering is if this were part and parcel of that stash (which was part and parcel of another stash) or if he's skimming something off Jack in Jack's prolonged absence.
I'm usually not the biggest fan of Pete McTighe, but I thought he had some good lines, especially the analogy Big Mo made about Alice in Wonderland and the Mad Hatter. I miss that quick wit repartie of Big Mo's and I hope we see more of her. In fact, I'd rather Laila Morse stay and Lorraine Newman go ... and go soon.
Here's to Big Mo Harris, Walford's own Prodigal Daughter. Don't leave it so long before we see you again.
You Can Tune a Piano But You Can't Tuna Fish.
We go from one of the high points of the episode, to one of the lowest mini-vignettes ever seen in the history of the show. Last week, we had the Saga of The Magic Negro and the Amazing Shirt. This week, we have An Opened Tin of Tuna Fish in the Refrigerator Is Never a Good Thing, or Poopy La Dim Goes Ballistic.
Ten full minutes - one third of the episode - devoted to an opened tin of tuna fish in Dot Branning's fridge, which is a major cause of conflict in the otherwise perfect vision of warmth, loveliness and general niceness that is Fatboy and Poopy La Dim.
Poopy La Dim witters. Constantly. About nothing. It's neither charming nor cute; it's downright irritating, and it was irritating from the getgo when she first appeared in the cafe with Jodie and Darren back in the early part of 2011. Other than the fact that she's "nice" and yet another piece of eye candy for adolescent or latent adolescent males whose right or left hand just might be their best friend, I see no point in Poopy La Dim or why she was returned.
I suppose she fits in Lorraine's heavenly vision of Walford as a reward for Fatboy, the eternal nice guy, who always finishes last and lost the coveted prize - cough cough puke - of Whitney Dean to that Grade A piece of beefsteak - read ham - known as Tyler Moon. Nice Fatboy with Nice Poppy. Fits .... well, fits nicely. A place for everything and everything in its place. I wonder if Lorraine were Head Girl at her high school?
Also fitting is that they live with Dot. I guess Fatboy lives there now, which probably means he doesn't have to pay rent, as Poopy La Dim is the only lodger allowed by the council, and Dot knows this now. Once again, I wonder what the hell Fatboy does for a living? Because we haven't seen him in the pub working since Christmas. He's just another magical youth blessed with money from who knows whence and free to roam the Square dispensing goodness and light.
I thought Poopy La Dim's opening soliloquy about couple perfection - in reality, a diatribe about nothing at all - was offensive and ageist in relation to Dot, opining that she wouldn't expect perfection after having lived a life of toil and trial. But the idea that TPTB would okay a storyline - albeit a mini-storyline - about a tin of upened tuna in a refridgerator being the possible end of a relationship is, frankly, preposterous. Did Lorraine think it charming? Did she think it cute? Did she think it funny?
It was bad romcom writing, and I can't believe there wasn't another continuing storyline, even featuring Kirsty the Bedridden Liar, with which to fill in ten minutes of screentime, rather than a tin of tuna fish. The whole thing could have been summed up thus:-
Poppy: Oooh ... issat an opened tin of tuna fish I see in the fridge?
Fatboy: Yeah, babes, I opened it when me an' Mrs B was 'avin' lunch yesterday. I'll finish it later.
Poppy: Oh no you won't. (Ostentatiously dumps tin in rubbish bin).
Fatboy (astonished): Wha' ... wha' ..; Babe, doan do dat. I was gonna eat that.
Dot: Ooh I say.
Poppy: Arfur Chubb, donchoo know that in August 1999, I had a tuna salad in Blackpool and I was sick all the way back. Turns out, the tuna was from an opened tin. When you open a tin of somefink and doan finish it, it goes in a plastic container in the fridge.
Dot:: Ooh I say, Arthur, she's right, you know. My Nick got food poisonin' bad when 'e was six years old on account of his dad, that's my first 'usband Charlie givin' 'im 'alf a tin o'soup that was open in our old fridge. Dr Legge said he never seen such a sick child. Oooh, I feel awful, Arthur. I should have told yer, meself, about them plastic containers.
There you go. Filler scene. Easy peasy.
Instead, we get the Poopy-strop, followed by the dramatic confrontation in the salon when Poopy declares their relationship untenable all because of a tin of tuna fish, followed by the ubiquitous piece of bad romcom in the form of Fatboy's Poppy Encyclopedia (which followed yet another scene of Dot giving wisdom and guidance about tuna fish in the pub) before the whole non-problem is resolved.
Four. Fucking. Scenes. About. A. Fucking. Tin. Of. Tuna. Fish.
About 30 years ago, REO Speedwagon produced and LP entitled - yes - "You Can Tune a Piano but You Can't Tune a Fish," and it offers up a song and a piece of worldly advice for Fatboy regarding what to do about his relationship with Poopy La Dim ...
The Power of Positive Thinking (or A Convenient Retcon)..
This is the Saga of Ian Beale and the Missing Polish Builders. It would make a nice Magic Negro film, you know ... like Bagger Vance ...no wait ... a Disney film. This is a Disney film. Ian Beale, the once-prosperous local businessman, who went a woman too far and had a nervous breakdown and is now reduced to working for a salary for his greedy, bag o'bones daughter.
Ian craves success, Just one bit of success will gain him self-respect again and maybe make his daughter proud of him again. He has the secret that Walford craves - another restaurant.
Happy in what he's achieved (with the help of an hefty investment by Janine, for whom he has no thanks), he wants to show off his success to all and sundry, so he chooses Jean, who happens to be passing by. In Lorraine's beatific Albert Square, Ian Beale considers Jean Slater his friend, whereas under any other producer, she'd be a mental nobody who'd be ground under his expensively-shod heel.
In this Disney tale of woe, Ian is confronted by one of the bunch of stereotypical Polish builders, who says that they can't finish the work without being paid up front. (Funny, almost the same storyline is running on Corrie, except that Owen is British.)
And now we have our Disney dilemma: Ian's fight to find a builder who'll take a deposit now and a payment later, all struggle of which is overheard by the evil Queen of the Night, who reminds him that if the restaurant doesn't open, as planned, on 7th of June, she'll withdraw all her investment ...
Ah, but Ian doesn't know one thing about his friend Jean ... she's really a Magic New Age Fairy, who tells him to think positive and later helps him to, at least, start claring away the mess the builders left. For awhile, our Ian thinks he can put the restaurant together, himself; but as the day goes by, even with his fairy godmother's help, it's impossible.
But his fairy godmother finds a box hidden away, which Ian manages to prise open. Then ... a miracle occurs ... Ian finds a letter from his brother David to Carol Jackson. (OK, this has to be a retcon, right? The box is Derek's, and I thought this had already been found. The letter wasn't within, mind you. Derek took possession of the original letter David sent Carol when the post delivered it, originally put it in the box, which was in the old Butcher lean-to garage, and later removed it and put it in his suit pocket. It was found there after his death and delivered to Carol, who was less than pleased.
That only happened between Christmas and New Year. Here's yet another series of unanswered questions:
So this pair of doxies decide to put their differences aside for the sake of their kids, because they're oh-so-much better mothers than Janine. It was good that Janine caught the pair of them in a lie, especially Roxy, who wound her up about Michael being involved with Kat, for no reason.
Honestly, Roxy has no serious reason to rile Janine, who was pure class when she threw them back their asses regarding their comment about "what Janine was doing" to Scarlett. Actually, it's none of their business, because they know absolutely nothing of what went on in that house from the time Scarlett was born until her mother was driven from the house. Kat put herself out telling Roxy that Michael loved neither the baby nor Janine.
Both women seem to have forgotten the havoc Michael's caused in their own lives - sleeping with his cousin's wife and getting her pregnant, worming his way out of paying for Tommy, manipulating Roxy when she was lonely, stalking Ronnie and setting her up to look as if she were mad on kidnapping Tommy again, scamming Jean (at least Jean remembers that if no one else does), all of that and more, yet Michael is the victim and they are his friends.
Michael doesn't give a rat's arse about either of them. They serve a purpose. On occasion, they've warmed his bed, and he wouldn't hesitate to have Roxy again behind Alfie's back and think nothing of it. Roxy proved a good babysitter and live-in nanny at one point; Kat's given him a roof over his head. Now he's ascertained that Alice has enoungh gullibility and passion for him to be used to his advantage in getting back the possession that is Scarlett.
Kat accusing Janine of using Scarlett as a weapon was rich in hypocrisy, which she's too narcissistic to see - no one used Tommy as a weapon or a shield more than she did, especially during the summer last year, when Alfie tried to get close to her and she was fucking Derek, infesting the Vic with bedbugs. Other times, she was off clubbing with Kim, fucking the deliveryman in the alleyway or spending the night with Derek and getting Kim to lie for her, whilst Alfie parented her son.
Roxy, meanwhile, was so bored with Amy's toddler group, she couldn't wait quick enough to go partying with Christian and Kim. And that night of the babyswap, she had been partying all day and into the night with Christian, whilst Dot had Amy.
Like Janine says, they really need to look in the mirror.
Oh, and the choice line from Kat - she had it all lined up her, the Vic, Tommy and Alfie, their future - well, who fucked that one up? It wasn't Alfie. He was faithful. It wasn't Roxy. She told Alfie of her feelings for him and he knocked her back. It wasn't Tommy. Or Mo. Or Jean.
It was Kat's lying, cheating and just generally being a slut, but will we ever hear her say it? No. Lorraine's passed the blame card there and Kat's "journey of redemption" is just a cheap trick of turning her into an oranged-faced Mother Theresa even showing benevolence to her dearest rival. And both united in hatred of evil, wicked Janine.
This was just another all-too-obvious attempt by Lorraine Newman to get the viewing public onside with Kat, who can do anything, even lie about Roxy's stupidity to save her face with Alfie. And she'll go on her sad and lonely way. As bloody if.
The highlight of all of that was Amy getting and performing her first line of dialogue, although "Bad man gone" is a sort of sentence structure you'd hear more in two year-olds or very young three year-olds. Amy is four, and she starts school in September. She should be speaking in full sentences now. Tommy has just turned two and is more loquacious than she is.
The Queen of the Night Be Watching the Prince of Darkness.
Now this is a difficult one to understand - for the Luddite viewers - because it's multi-faceted. On the surface, it looks as though Janine is wrong about Michael, as he condescendingly corrects her tirade about his relationship with Kat; but Janine is not wrong.
Michael intended her to see that, which is why there's a smile on his face at the end of Thursday's scene. So her confronting him was met by a piece of reverse psychology by him. Which she sees through. She's enough of a player and a sociopath (curable), herself, to recognise and identify what he's trying to do.
At the moment, Janine (and Fatboy, who has nothing to do with the situation) is the only person who knows Michael is a psychopath and of what he's capable. She has every reason to keep her daughter from his clutches. She knows exactly what he tried to do to her and that he'd do it again.
As for Alice the Insipid, her stupidity knows no bounds. She can throw as many home truths about Michael's arrogance, his superiority complex, his rudeness, his treating her like shit at him, and he'll only smile benignly. They're all compliments to him, symbols that he's behaving the way he knows best and not letting any guards down.
Because he doesn't care. About her. Or Kat. Or even Scarlett. His prime concern is looking after Number One, and if that means he has to use a baby, well, he will.
Michael's strength is knowing his victims' vulnerability.- Kat's receptive to his plight because she hates Janine; Roxy felt sorry for him being on his own - enough to forget the times he treated her like shit (but then Roxy's not the brightest lightbulb in the box); and Hollywood Alice is in luurrrrve with him. So all he needs to do is apologise nicely (psychopaths can be absolute charmers) and hand her emergency money to pay her rent, then Hollywood Alice will do anything he asks ... which is the gist of the gesture. This is just another means of oneupmanship with Janine.
I'm Team Janine, and this should be her message to this Michael ...
Watchable episode. Not great ... not good, but the upper end of mediocre.
Yes, my lords, ladies and gentlemen, Walford, under Lorraine, has become a treasure trove of warmth, friendship and understanding. People are so happy and loving, they don't have to work, and those who do work, don't have to cheat the punter. Everyone sticks together, and no one ever takes the blame - unless you're wicked, evil Janine.
Teenagers pop their cherries for the first time and wax lyrical about "what's there to say? We made love". Yessir, that first time experience included no wet spots, no cheesy smells, no farts in bed and no sticky substances on a certain girl's thunder thighs.
Alcohol and drug addictions are wiped away in a week's worth of bad scripts. Gangs are verbally battered silly by SuperRetardChav, otherwise known as Bianca, who in her daytime job, thinks nothing of bullying and badgering her employment superiors for doing nothing more than their jobs.
The Magic Negro is on virtual patrol dispensing wisdom and sagacity, and when she's not around, Saint Kat, the Matron Saint of Sluts, will protect you, physically, from all harm. You can buy her special gold-plated medal to wear for your protection. It's on sale on the market for a fiver and its symbol is an inverted Y - no explanation is necessary, but it does come with a packet of three condoms.
Cousins can fuck cousins without compunction; sisters can marry brothers. Psychopaths are viewed as sympathetic beings, no matter how many times they've conned, manipulated and psychologically mistreated their victims; as long as the psychopath is a man and physically attractive - and maybe has a baby in tow - then they're beautiful people.
Murder a psychopath, however, and you walk free - that is, if you're a Slater who married a Branning. But that's Walford for you, folks.
Walford is a place where everyone is connected in some way to the Brannings. They're connected in one way, shape or form to the Beales, the Butchers, the Mitchells and now the Masoods. Watch this space, and in a few weeks, they'll also be connected to Patrick and the B and B.
Youngsters walk the streets, never needing to work, in Walford. Money can be plucked from any number of trees in Albert Square, and you'll always find hospitality at any of the numerous eateries for which Walford is famous - Cindy's Cafe, Beale's Plaice, the Vic or Masood's kitchen (if he makes too much tandoori). And now, shortly to open, is Walford's very own exclusive restaurant, Le Square. You'll be able to dine in the comfort of old English surroundings whilst being Silver Serviced by a gibbering, New Age idiot or a sanded and creosoted, greasy gypsy wannabe, who'll give you a bit of the old 'ow's yer favvah if she reckons you're a badboy. Or ... you can slum it and eat at McKlunkeys.
For convenience, we have The Minute Mart, where our lovely assistants, Denise and Shirley, will be happy to serve you with a smile, whilst they pocket your money.
Don't worry if you can't find Walford on the map. Just follow the direction of Bianca the Meandering Retard's voice, or follow the gleam from MyAlice's new set of Hollywood Teeth.
Please, please visit Walford. Visitors' figures have been down lately, and we wonder if it's due to the recession. It couldn't possibly be because of our numerous, young, ambitious and supremely entitled service representatives, who have something of a difficulty enunciating properly. After all, they are just so beautiful ...
It's the middle of May, and Friday was a warm and sunny day. So why is it always cold in Walford?
The Return of the Native.
It was really nice to see Laila Morse again, the first appearance since Boxing Day. Of course, we all know - courtesy of Laila's autobiography - that Lorraine axed the character of Big Mo back in June of last year, instead preferring that Laila re-appear from time to time as a recurrent character. This means, she's only paid, per hour, for the filming she does on the day.
Were the viewers told about this? No. But then, we weren't told that Sid Owen was sacked. We weren't told that Laurie Brett had left. We were told that Patsy Palmer was taking a year's maternity leave when she said that she'd decided not to return and then only did so when she got a so-called "working mother's" contract which real working mothers would kill to have. We weren't told that Nina Wadia was leaving until after she'd finished filming, and we had a mishmash of lies about Jo Joyner's departure when most people with a modicum of common sense knew that when someone decides not to renew a contract, they ain't coming back.
So, in return for twelve years of service, Laila Morse got a secret slide out the door. Chucky Venn is the next one, and he's not a happy bunny at the moment. All the glib nonsense about him leaving "by mutual consent" is nothing more than spin on the fact that he was the wrong black man. This year's model is Cornell S John.
Big Mo may not be a Class A character, but she's important to the history of the show. She's Pat Butcher's sister-in-law, and - as such - the-great aunt of Bianca the Retarded ChavGirl and an aunt of the said-to-be-returning David Wicks. She was a good background character who provided support on occasion and the odd laugh and quirk.
Laila Morse deserved better.
Still, it was good to see Big Mo, shouting the odds, at Katshit Slutter, although it's a bit much to believe she's been holed up in the flat above the Vic babysitting and hording stolen goods for Fat Elvis for the past five months, sight unseen.
Mo wants her rent money, and the resident psychopath has a ready wad to hand her. I'm still wondering where he comes about this bundle, because - as he's quick to remind Janine - he has nary a pot in which to deposit his urine. Yet he not only pays his own rent, but that of MyAlice of the Hollywood Teeth. Michael took possession of Derek's horde of counterfeit money and was caught previously trying to pass the lot. What I'm wondering is if this were part and parcel of that stash (which was part and parcel of another stash) or if he's skimming something off Jack in Jack's prolonged absence.
I'm usually not the biggest fan of Pete McTighe, but I thought he had some good lines, especially the analogy Big Mo made about Alice in Wonderland and the Mad Hatter. I miss that quick wit repartie of Big Mo's and I hope we see more of her. In fact, I'd rather Laila Morse stay and Lorraine Newman go ... and go soon.
Here's to Big Mo Harris, Walford's own Prodigal Daughter. Don't leave it so long before we see you again.
You Can Tune a Piano But You Can't Tuna Fish.
We go from one of the high points of the episode, to one of the lowest mini-vignettes ever seen in the history of the show. Last week, we had the Saga of The Magic Negro and the Amazing Shirt. This week, we have An Opened Tin of Tuna Fish in the Refrigerator Is Never a Good Thing, or Poopy La Dim Goes Ballistic.
Ten full minutes - one third of the episode - devoted to an opened tin of tuna fish in Dot Branning's fridge, which is a major cause of conflict in the otherwise perfect vision of warmth, loveliness and general niceness that is Fatboy and Poopy La Dim.
Poopy La Dim witters. Constantly. About nothing. It's neither charming nor cute; it's downright irritating, and it was irritating from the getgo when she first appeared in the cafe with Jodie and Darren back in the early part of 2011. Other than the fact that she's "nice" and yet another piece of eye candy for adolescent or latent adolescent males whose right or left hand just might be their best friend, I see no point in Poopy La Dim or why she was returned.
I suppose she fits in Lorraine's heavenly vision of Walford as a reward for Fatboy, the eternal nice guy, who always finishes last and lost the coveted prize - cough cough puke - of Whitney Dean to that Grade A piece of beefsteak - read ham - known as Tyler Moon. Nice Fatboy with Nice Poppy. Fits .... well, fits nicely. A place for everything and everything in its place. I wonder if Lorraine were Head Girl at her high school?
Also fitting is that they live with Dot. I guess Fatboy lives there now, which probably means he doesn't have to pay rent, as Poopy La Dim is the only lodger allowed by the council, and Dot knows this now. Once again, I wonder what the hell Fatboy does for a living? Because we haven't seen him in the pub working since Christmas. He's just another magical youth blessed with money from who knows whence and free to roam the Square dispensing goodness and light.
I thought Poopy La Dim's opening soliloquy about couple perfection - in reality, a diatribe about nothing at all - was offensive and ageist in relation to Dot, opining that she wouldn't expect perfection after having lived a life of toil and trial. But the idea that TPTB would okay a storyline - albeit a mini-storyline - about a tin of upened tuna in a refridgerator being the possible end of a relationship is, frankly, preposterous. Did Lorraine think it charming? Did she think it cute? Did she think it funny?
It was bad romcom writing, and I can't believe there wasn't another continuing storyline, even featuring Kirsty the Bedridden Liar, with which to fill in ten minutes of screentime, rather than a tin of tuna fish. The whole thing could have been summed up thus:-
Poppy: Oooh ... issat an opened tin of tuna fish I see in the fridge?
Fatboy: Yeah, babes, I opened it when me an' Mrs B was 'avin' lunch yesterday. I'll finish it later.
Poppy: Oh no you won't. (Ostentatiously dumps tin in rubbish bin).
Fatboy (astonished): Wha' ... wha' ..; Babe, doan do dat. I was gonna eat that.
Dot: Ooh I say.
Poppy: Arfur Chubb, donchoo know that in August 1999, I had a tuna salad in Blackpool and I was sick all the way back. Turns out, the tuna was from an opened tin. When you open a tin of somefink and doan finish it, it goes in a plastic container in the fridge.
Dot:: Ooh I say, Arthur, she's right, you know. My Nick got food poisonin' bad when 'e was six years old on account of his dad, that's my first 'usband Charlie givin' 'im 'alf a tin o'soup that was open in our old fridge. Dr Legge said he never seen such a sick child. Oooh, I feel awful, Arthur. I should have told yer, meself, about them plastic containers.
There you go. Filler scene. Easy peasy.
Instead, we get the Poopy-strop, followed by the dramatic confrontation in the salon when Poopy declares their relationship untenable all because of a tin of tuna fish, followed by the ubiquitous piece of bad romcom in the form of Fatboy's Poppy Encyclopedia (which followed yet another scene of Dot giving wisdom and guidance about tuna fish in the pub) before the whole non-problem is resolved.
Four. Fucking. Scenes. About. A. Fucking. Tin. Of. Tuna. Fish.
About 30 years ago, REO Speedwagon produced and LP entitled - yes - "You Can Tune a Piano but You Can't Tune a Fish," and it offers up a song and a piece of worldly advice for Fatboy regarding what to do about his relationship with Poopy La Dim ...
The Power of Positive Thinking (or A Convenient Retcon)..
This is the Saga of Ian Beale and the Missing Polish Builders. It would make a nice Magic Negro film, you know ... like Bagger Vance ...no wait ... a Disney film. This is a Disney film. Ian Beale, the once-prosperous local businessman, who went a woman too far and had a nervous breakdown and is now reduced to working for a salary for his greedy, bag o'bones daughter.
Ian craves success, Just one bit of success will gain him self-respect again and maybe make his daughter proud of him again. He has the secret that Walford craves - another restaurant.
Happy in what he's achieved (with the help of an hefty investment by Janine, for whom he has no thanks), he wants to show off his success to all and sundry, so he chooses Jean, who happens to be passing by. In Lorraine's beatific Albert Square, Ian Beale considers Jean Slater his friend, whereas under any other producer, she'd be a mental nobody who'd be ground under his expensively-shod heel.
In this Disney tale of woe, Ian is confronted by one of the bunch of stereotypical Polish builders, who says that they can't finish the work without being paid up front. (Funny, almost the same storyline is running on Corrie, except that Owen is British.)
And now we have our Disney dilemma: Ian's fight to find a builder who'll take a deposit now and a payment later, all struggle of which is overheard by the evil Queen of the Night, who reminds him that if the restaurant doesn't open, as planned, on 7th of June, she'll withdraw all her investment ...
Ah, but Ian doesn't know one thing about his friend Jean ... she's really a Magic New Age Fairy, who tells him to think positive and later helps him to, at least, start claring away the mess the builders left. For awhile, our Ian thinks he can put the restaurant together, himself; but as the day goes by, even with his fairy godmother's help, it's impossible.
But his fairy godmother finds a box hidden away, which Ian manages to prise open. Then ... a miracle occurs ... Ian finds a letter from his brother David to Carol Jackson. (OK, this has to be a retcon, right? The box is Derek's, and I thought this had already been found. The letter wasn't within, mind you. Derek took possession of the original letter David sent Carol when the post delivered it, originally put it in the box, which was in the old Butcher lean-to garage, and later removed it and put it in his suit pocket. It was found there after his death and delivered to Carol, who was less than pleased.
That only happened between Christmas and New Year. Here's yet another series of unanswered questions:
- Is this the same box Derek had in the lean-to? That also had a lot of dosh in it - all counterfeit - and that box was found by Michael Moon, which is how he came by his stash of counterfeit money, which he tried to convince Phil Mitchell to launder.
- Is this a different box, containing a different letter, which means David wrote Carol more than once during her absence, and Derek must have put this letter into yet another box with yet more money - an envelope heaped with fifty pound notes?
- Are these notes counterfeit also? (Reason says that they are and at some point, karma will bite Ian Beale's greedy ass).
- Did David write numerous letters which Derek found and put in various boxes all containing what might be other counterfeit notes?
If the latter be true, let's have an Albert Square Treasure Hunt!
Seriously, it makes for a nice Disney moment - harried, worried businessman is rescued by a chance discovery of enough money that would allow him to finish his project comfortably ... as long as the cash is legitimate. And it's capped all off by darling daughter telling daddy she's proud of him.
And the credits roll to Jiminy Cricket singing this song ...
Ace scenes between Charlie Brooks and Adam Woodyatt, especially the countdown scene. Who remembers Ian lording it over a destitute Janine, even though he'd sought her sexual favours at various times?
The Gratuitous Cock.
So now we know that the Little Cock, token urban Negro youth on the show, is a liar, a bad mechanic and a cheat. With Phil Mitchell's blessing, he condoned his palming off punters with unnecessary work, keeping the honest Jay in the dark.
The morality tale is that, rather than cheating the public out of money in order to finance Lorraine Newman's version of Teens in the Woods (spare us), Phil pits both lads against each other in doing up and selling an old car.
Highlight of this episode was Jay's warning to Cock that he wasn't soft. He meant it.
Pointless, wasteful, entitled character. He should bugger off with Ava the Rava. No one cares and no one understands this puketard.
Kat and Roxy become Elfeba and Glenda (no, NOT Mitchell). Wicked.
You know, if the Wicked Witch of the West were orange instead of green, this could almost be Kat and Roxy singing this song:-
So this pair of doxies decide to put their differences aside for the sake of their kids, because they're oh-so-much better mothers than Janine. It was good that Janine caught the pair of them in a lie, especially Roxy, who wound her up about Michael being involved with Kat, for no reason.
Honestly, Roxy has no serious reason to rile Janine, who was pure class when she threw them back their asses regarding their comment about "what Janine was doing" to Scarlett. Actually, it's none of their business, because they know absolutely nothing of what went on in that house from the time Scarlett was born until her mother was driven from the house. Kat put herself out telling Roxy that Michael loved neither the baby nor Janine.
Both women seem to have forgotten the havoc Michael's caused in their own lives - sleeping with his cousin's wife and getting her pregnant, worming his way out of paying for Tommy, manipulating Roxy when she was lonely, stalking Ronnie and setting her up to look as if she were mad on kidnapping Tommy again, scamming Jean (at least Jean remembers that if no one else does), all of that and more, yet Michael is the victim and they are his friends.
Michael doesn't give a rat's arse about either of them. They serve a purpose. On occasion, they've warmed his bed, and he wouldn't hesitate to have Roxy again behind Alfie's back and think nothing of it. Roxy proved a good babysitter and live-in nanny at one point; Kat's given him a roof over his head. Now he's ascertained that Alice has enoungh gullibility and passion for him to be used to his advantage in getting back the possession that is Scarlett.
Kat accusing Janine of using Scarlett as a weapon was rich in hypocrisy, which she's too narcissistic to see - no one used Tommy as a weapon or a shield more than she did, especially during the summer last year, when Alfie tried to get close to her and she was fucking Derek, infesting the Vic with bedbugs. Other times, she was off clubbing with Kim, fucking the deliveryman in the alleyway or spending the night with Derek and getting Kim to lie for her, whilst Alfie parented her son.
Roxy, meanwhile, was so bored with Amy's toddler group, she couldn't wait quick enough to go partying with Christian and Kim. And that night of the babyswap, she had been partying all day and into the night with Christian, whilst Dot had Amy.
Like Janine says, they really need to look in the mirror.
Oh, and the choice line from Kat - she had it all lined up her, the Vic, Tommy and Alfie, their future - well, who fucked that one up? It wasn't Alfie. He was faithful. It wasn't Roxy. She told Alfie of her feelings for him and he knocked her back. It wasn't Tommy. Or Mo. Or Jean.
It was Kat's lying, cheating and just generally being a slut, but will we ever hear her say it? No. Lorraine's passed the blame card there and Kat's "journey of redemption" is just a cheap trick of turning her into an oranged-faced Mother Theresa even showing benevolence to her dearest rival. And both united in hatred of evil, wicked Janine.
This was just another all-too-obvious attempt by Lorraine Newman to get the viewing public onside with Kat, who can do anything, even lie about Roxy's stupidity to save her face with Alfie. And she'll go on her sad and lonely way. As bloody if.
The highlight of all of that was Amy getting and performing her first line of dialogue, although "Bad man gone" is a sort of sentence structure you'd hear more in two year-olds or very young three year-olds. Amy is four, and she starts school in September. She should be speaking in full sentences now. Tommy has just turned two and is more loquacious than she is.
The Queen of the Night Be Watching the Prince of Darkness.
Now this is a difficult one to understand - for the Luddite viewers - because it's multi-faceted. On the surface, it looks as though Janine is wrong about Michael, as he condescendingly corrects her tirade about his relationship with Kat; but Janine is not wrong.
Michael intended her to see that, which is why there's a smile on his face at the end of Thursday's scene. So her confronting him was met by a piece of reverse psychology by him. Which she sees through. She's enough of a player and a sociopath (curable), herself, to recognise and identify what he's trying to do.
At the moment, Janine (and Fatboy, who has nothing to do with the situation) is the only person who knows Michael is a psychopath and of what he's capable. She has every reason to keep her daughter from his clutches. She knows exactly what he tried to do to her and that he'd do it again.
As for Alice the Insipid, her stupidity knows no bounds. She can throw as many home truths about Michael's arrogance, his superiority complex, his rudeness, his treating her like shit at him, and he'll only smile benignly. They're all compliments to him, symbols that he's behaving the way he knows best and not letting any guards down.
Because he doesn't care. About her. Or Kat. Or even Scarlett. His prime concern is looking after Number One, and if that means he has to use a baby, well, he will.
Michael's strength is knowing his victims' vulnerability.- Kat's receptive to his plight because she hates Janine; Roxy felt sorry for him being on his own - enough to forget the times he treated her like shit (but then Roxy's not the brightest lightbulb in the box); and Hollywood Alice is in luurrrrve with him. So all he needs to do is apologise nicely (psychopaths can be absolute charmers) and hand her emergency money to pay her rent, then Hollywood Alice will do anything he asks ... which is the gist of the gesture. This is just another means of oneupmanship with Janine.
I'm Team Janine, and this should be her message to this Michael ...
Watchable episode. Not great ... not good, but the upper end of mediocre.
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