Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The Barely Branning Show: An Epidemic of Accidentally-on-Purpose

She's back! The Creature from the Black Lagoon ... Back for revenge ...



Actually, minimal Branning involvement notwithstanding, this was a surprisingly good episode and more like what EastEnders should really be. Admittedly, the Branning involvement still stank up the place, but it was absolutely great to see the Mitchell dynamic back at the forefront.

One of the best things about this episode was it mixed a major storyline - or what should be the major storyline - with filler segments that were important in their own way, and every character appearing was well-utilised. More of this writer, please.

Let's get the bad bits out of the way, because - again, surprisingly - they were few and far between.

First of all, before beginning, this episode did what EastEnders of the 80s and 90s used to do - pick out something linking everything else in the episode. For example, in the past maybe a writer would latch onto a theme, and present an episode showing three different couples involved in various storylines and how they were coping at certain points in their sagas. Tonight, this writer, linked the artless ability of characters to say something accidentally, or accidentally on purpose, leaking too much information - information, which, in each instance, will impede upon a particular storyline. That was a really subtle touch, and kudos to her. It was also an old EastEnders storytelling technique, which would be well familiar to older and longer term viewer. We've been sadly ignored of late. If this is what Ms Newman intends to rectify, I'll take back all my criticism of her ... but only when I'm sure.

OK, the bad bits ... Lauren, Abi and Cora. Lauren really needs a smack. Seriously. It goes without saying and has been said repeatedly that the Forbidden Love of Lauren and Joey is about as believeable as Santa Claus soming down the chimney at Christmas. 

There was no build-up to this romance, no furtive looks, no hints of any attraction beforehand. Joey was living and sleeping with Bag-o-Bones Beale. Then he copped a kiss with Whitney the Walford Blanket, and within a couple of weeks, he and Lauren were fucking on the legendary Branning sofa. In lurve. So in lurve that when Joey gives her the brush off, she gets drunk. And drinks. And cries. And drinks some more. Because her life is over, you know, as her expensive trout pout quivers.

Please. Give me a bloody break. You know, no one gives a rat's ass about this couple, especially this unlikeable ingenue. She's learned from Yummy Mummy, who's learned from Granny Goodwitch the art of reaching for the bottle. As well as the art of self-pity. Being so up herself that she is incapable of consideration for anyone else's circumstances.

It's the day of Tanya's cancer cold scan, and Lauren's forgotten; but Tanya's learned nothing from her experience either. Once she and Max see a hung-over Lauren (and how many times have we seen a hung-over Tanya?) who's begging for a few minutes of Tanya's time, Tanya's too caught up in worrying about her scan. Understandable, but then, this was the woman who lumbered a child with this monumental secret in the first place.

Almost as annoying as Lauren today, was Abi the saint, who's suddenly become the resident Branning guidance counsellor. Abi's a good enough kid, but if they're going down the route of making her chalk to Lauren's cheese, they risk turning her into as big a pill as Libby Fox became. That she, at sixteen, happens to be the font of common sense and wisdom in the Branning family, speaks volumes.

Tonight, she managed to counsel her sister and her grandmother, both of whom are pretty hopeless entities in general and at the moment. I've been a bit off Lorna Fitzgerald since she returned at the end of the summer, feeling something was off with her characterisation. She's still too much of the twelve year-old dressed up to be the sixteen year-old. I find that uncomfortable.

Tonight, I noticed another thing. Lauren's spent the entire summer in Walford, drinking in dark places. Abi spent the summer in the sun and sand of Costa Rica. Yet Lauren's got the golden tan, and Abi's pale as powder. Go figure.

The first accidentally-on-purpose admission came courtesy of Lauren, at a time when Abi had plucked up enough courage to disabuse Lauren of a few home truths. It's true that every time there's a major crisis in the Branning household, Lauren has either stirred or caused it, so Abi was right to point that out and question what the hell was going on - because, in these instances, Abi's always the sister who's pushed aside.

Bingo! Lauren lets slip about Ava the mystery sistery.

So Abi goes to meddle some more, this time with Cora the Bora, who's back to doing  a good impersonation of feeling sorry for herself and ticking Lauren off for telling Abi about Ava. I'll give Lauren her fair due; she handed Cora her ass when she told her grandmother that she, Lauren, knew that she was useless and lazy ... but she owned it. Cora didn't.

The other thing I didn't like about this storyline was the scene where Cora told Abi all about Ava and the man who was Ava's father. Abi is very young. She's also very judgemental, whining about Ava rejecting Cora as unfair, because Cora was her birth mother.

Abi should realise: Having a baby no more means a woman is a mother than running a mile means someone is an Olympic athlete. Just look at Shirley. Cora had the baby. She may very well have loved her child, but she wasn't courageous enough to use that love as a shield and keep that child. Cora was white with a bi-racial baby. Ava's parents were white and adopted her. Who's courageous there? Not Cora. And Cora should have told Abi that Ava was successful, well-educated and happy. Something she probably wouldn't have been with Cora.

I'm not sure I liked the retconning of the perfect love that Ava's father was. He may have been special to Cora, but he left and didn't give her a second thought. Please. No long-lost father emerging ... this is not the Cora show.

The less bad bit ... Bianca the Stupid. The Butchers are still poor. Too poor for a Christmas tree. How much is a tree? A tenner on the market? They must have decorations left over from the years when Pat lived in the house. Surely, it's not beyond the realms of possibility. Even Carol got Derek to agree to chip in for the tree. 

Here's some suitably ambient music for poor pitiful Bianca as she trudges to work at the salon trying to earn enough in tips to buy a tree for her kids' Christmas...


OK, here's my big pet peeve, before I even get into Bianca's behaviour: Morgan Le Fat. Looks as though Morgan's cornered the market on chicken nuggets in his time away. If Ray sees  him, he'll be seriously appalled, but then, Sasha was always on the porky side and stuffing her face with chips.

What's most annoying about Morgan is his one-line speciality since his return: the downward pumping motion with his arm, accompanied by the hissed word "Yesssss" which sounds like air being let out of a tyre. Maybe when he pumps his arm downward that way, he's letting air out so his trousers fit better. Or maybe he's just trying to disguise a fart. Another stage school kid gone bad. Maybe Bianca should practice cutting Morgan's hair ... and DamienDen's (who's nowhere to be found).

I can't believe that Bianca is as tactless and as socially gauche as to create scenes the way she did at the salon - bitching to Tanya at the top of her voice about Lola and finally sneering at Denise when she thought Denise was going to undertip her. Really, this is the stuff of people who are short on grey matter. From where I'm sitting, it looks as though TPTB are turning Bianca into a female version of Billy Mitchell - another continuously downtrodden village idiot.

However, it was down to Bianca to utter the second of three accidentally-on-purpose leaks ... when she let slip to Lauren that Tanya had gone for her cancer cold scan.

That cost Bianca a tip worth five pounds.

The Best Bits ... The Mitchells, Sharon and Jack Meet the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

She's back ...

Love her or hate her, Shirley is back. As much as she might say otherwise, we know she's back to try to bully Phil into getting back in the sack ... by hook or by crook. She's even angrier because she's caught Phil in a clinch with Sharon, the woman Shirley fears most in the world ... because she's the woman Phil loves.

This was a whoop-de-doo tour de force and the best thing to happen to EastEnders in ages. It didn't need subtle foreshadowing that Sharon and Phil were destined to be together, it was written all over everything ... Phil's visit to Sharon at 7:30 in the morning, before she'd even dressed to discuss Shirley and why she was back. Jack skulking jealously in the background, being placated by Sharon offering a sexy lunch to make up for Phil's visit. Once she'd said that, you knew she'd be dashing off to help Phil when noontime struck.

Shirley covered all bases - first manhandling and bullying Jay, dragging him to Heather's flat, trying to heap guilt upon him. It showed the measure of Jay when he said he just wanted to move on and - get this - he thought Phil had suffered enough.

Several things stand out for me with this storyline - Shirley's visit to Sharon, how she thought she could bluff Sharon, citing Phil's addictions and thinking herself better than Sharon because she'd cleaned Phil's puke. Of course, Sharon knows Phil is an alcoholic, although she may never have witnessed him when he was off the wagon. Indeed, she had left Walford, the first time, when his disease began; but she knows he doesn't drink and can't drink.

She doesn't know - and neither did Shirley venture to tell her - that Shirley actually fed Phil's addiction in order to get him to sleep with her. She drank with him. She's got drink issues herself. I loved how Sharon kept a straight hard face through all of Shirley's revelations, even recovering herself when Shirley revealed Phil had a crack addicition. Oh, and while Shirley told her how Phil cheated on her with Rainie, she never mentioned how he had cheated with Glenda or how he couldn't promise her fidelity. Because he didn't love her.

Shirley did prove one thing in that encounter, when Sharon told her how she would trust Phil with her son and Shirley remarked astonishment that Sharon could consider herself a good mother.

Really, Shirley? Hypocrisy much? Even Tanya in all her splendour isn't that hypocritical, because we all know that Shirley was the very embodiment of what a good mother should be - leaving three small children, one disabled, in order to party with a needy friend; becoming a mother figure to Heather, only to dump her cold whenever a fella took an interest in Shirl. She was an abysmal mother and an atrocious friend. Everything she's hoping to achieve now, she's not achieving for Heather, it's for herself and her obsession with Phil.

The other remarkable scene tonight belonged to the encounter between Phil and Shirley, after Shirley had wormed her way, acting nice, into Lola's confidence. Without even knowing that Ben was Lexie's father, Shirley did clue into what Phil wanted, but encouraging Lola to abandon Phil and let Shirley get Lexie back for her was ludicrous. Social Services would have one run-in with Shirley (who's even more socially gauche than Bianca) and they would deny access for Lola with Lexie forever. Full stop.

What was astounding was Phil's confession and his honesty, brutal honesty - recounting how he had betrayed Shirley and deceived her lying about Ben's involvement in Heather's death, how he kept lying and lying and lying to protect Ben ... and then telling her that if he had to do everthing again, he'd do it the same way, because Ben was his priority. And Shirley wasn't. He was sorry he had hurt her, but hey, that's life. That speech, alone, should dispel any notion anyone, any fool, would have of Phil loving Shirley. He simply doesn't. End of. That confession, alone, made Shirley's vague threat about "telling what she knew" about Phil as empty as it ever was.

And why should Lola trust Shirley anymore than she would trust Phil? As Lola said, when the Social took Lexie, Shirley was nowhere to be found. Phil, instead, stepped up to the plate. Yes, the viewer knows his ulterior motives, but seen from Lola's point of view, Phil put up the money and the solicitor to fight for bringing Lexie home. That matters to Billy and it matters to her.

One of the lines of the night (Shirley had all of them): Billy's rolled over, has he?

The turning point of the episode came near the end, again by the third (and most significant) accidentally-on-purpose disclosure: Denise letting it slip to Shirley that Ben was Lexie's father, which lifted the scales from Shirley's eyes, although why she should be concerned that Phil wanted Lexie as some sort of Ben replacement is beyond me.

Lexie is Phil's granddaughter. That, as he said, he'd lost both his children and this child gave him a third shot at redemption, proof that he wouldn't make the same mistakes with her as he did with either Ben or Louise, from the brief periods that he had her. But to Shirley, all it meant was Phil winning, Phil getting what he wanted. Of course, she would know all about that. She lived with and savoured him at his worst and greediest, encouraging him all the way - robbing from Roxy, being aggressive, all the ugliest traits Phil possesses were encouraged and heightened by Shirley.

That he genuinely wants to redeem himself now is down to the presence and positive influence of Sharon; but Shirley knows the score about that too. Yes, she knows that Phil always gets what he wants - most generally. He lost out on Ben, but he's still free. She knows the love of his life is Sharon, and she knows (as much as women know other women intuitively) that Sharon's in Phil's pocket already if she isn't in his bed. She knows Jack's lost her - which was hilarious, because the viewer knows that too.

The last scene was a rip-roaring tour de force, the highlight of it being her remark when Jack uttered a line: Oh, so the doormat talks.

I burst a gut laughing at that - it was more ironic than Shirley implying Sharon was a bad mother, more amusing that Shirley calling Sharon a bimbo not a minute before. That Shirley, the very epitome of a pathetic doormat, should presume to recognise that Jack is being pranced all over by Sharon's sharp stilettos as she scampers off to help Phil at the drop of a hat, whilst not recognising that she was the prototype of the worst sort of doormat during the time she lived with Phil is the height of irony.

It would have been wonderful for Linda Henry, a great actress, to have used that scene as a parting shot, in the manner of Auntie Sal's soliloquy ...


This scene tonight was just as priceless, and it would have made a fitting departure for Linda Henry; but now she's being brought back to jump up, here and there, at inopportune times, not to scupper Phil's chances of getting Lexie (which is, ultimately, what he's trying to do), but moreso to ruin any chance of a relationship he has with Sharon.

Oh, and lest I forget, Phil is not afraid of Shirley and any of her threats. He's afraid that she might scupper his whole attempt to gain custody of his granddaughter. That's not the same as fearing Shirley. I think everyone showed tonight that they are not in the least afraid of Shirley.

She'll be gone by spring at the latest.

Good episode.

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