Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The Branning Show: Irony, Collagen and Mouthbreathers - Review 11.12.2012

For some reason, I kept thinking of this song tonight ... Maybe Sharon should sing the responding verse to the overbearing dullard called Jack, as she kicks him in his wooden balls ...



It's not the pressure of trying to help Phil out with Lola and meeting Jack's "needs" which is pressurising Sharon into gobbling up the pills again.

It's living with Jack. Never have I ever seen someone more dissatisfied and miserable living with someone, sleeping with someone than Sharon is with Jack, which begs the question: Why is she there?

She slept with Jack her first night back in Walford, something Sharon - no matter what had happened or what she'd been through - would never do. Sharon is not and never has been a one-night stander. A woman who's stood alone and fended for herself, instead of finding a flat to rent, she prostituted herself to Jack, in exchange for a roof over her head. This was a matter of a couple of months after meeting him. She knows absolutely nothing about him or his past - something drilled (figurative pun intended) into her by Phil Mitchell the other week. How much does Sharon really know about Saint Jack? The answer is "precious little."

On hindsight, the weird look Sharon was giving Phil throughout the interview with the social worker yesterday was realisation that this was a man she knew totally and utterly, a man who was formerly part of her family, someone familiar and warm with whom she could be herself. Jack is martinet, who masks his lack of confidence and fear of Phil Mitchell's triumph behind barked orders and demands.

Sharon doesn't do "control" either. And she hates men who act and think for her. Jack totally swept aside her previously made plans to help Phil with the court case, demanding that she attend, with him, Oscar's fifth birthday party - think of that: five years since Stax and Max and Tanya are getting married. Again. She's been to the altar twice since Stax.

But I digress: Jack orders Sharon to tend to her son whilst he makes DamienDen's lunch. After all Oscar, the GurnBoy, is Denny's friend.

The look on Sharon's face when she went back to Denny's room, was a picture. She's not abiding Jack well at all, and her tone of voice and manner of speaking from time to time reveal that. Add to all of that, the lack of chemistry and the fact that someone paired Sharon with Jack in order to validate the continued existence of a redundant character played by a less-than-mediocre actor, and you have disaster.

Sharon does not love Jack. One wonders why she doesn't take her son and rent a flat someplace. The Old Sharon would have done so.

So it's really Jack and his bloody-minded belligerant attitude is getting on her nerves so much, she's reaching for the pill bottle. I'd just reach for a bottle and brain Jack Branning. Don't worry about hurting him, because all you'd get is sawdust emanating from his cranial cavity ...


I have to say that the incident with the pills was one of the worst examples of acting I've ever seen Letitia Dean do in the programme. The very idea that Jack Branning "helped" her with her addiction is a joke. When he found her bottle of painkillers, as I recall, he was very judgemental ... then tried to get her drunk in order to sleep with her. An addiction is an addiction, or doesn't Jack the Peg realise that?

And the fact that she left the pills on display with a pathetic little note "I'm sorry etc" was contrived - as contrived as her flirty little moue and kiss afterwards at the Brannings. All that was a set-up for Derek the Sad, Lonely and Pathetic to score a few more points and make a few more enemies in his quest for death.

Another examples of actions and looks speaking louder than words occurred in the very first scene, with Alfie in the transforming market getting everything just right, encouraged by Katshit, who's really trying too hard and has been since her little misbehaviour almost cost them their livelihood. The most priceless scene was when she moued her lips for a kiss. Alfie's face was one of pure disgust, but he kissed her lightly and then wiped his lips.

Arguably, the most interesting scene of the evening was his confrontation with Michael, when he realised Michael had known all along about the affair. Hang on ... Kat was distraught at the thought of losing Alfie? That's why she ended the affair? Because all the time she was hoodwinking Alfie and he didn't know, she didn't give a monkey's. Once he'd sussed, that's when the distraught kicked in. She's never properly explained or apologised her actions. She was just sorry that she got caught and playing nice, she hoped she'd get Alfie onside once again, so when she got bored and her woo-woo got an itch for someone different, she could crawl away to the gutter again; but she's in for a surprise.

Michael doesn't need to explain anything to Alfie or to take up for that slut. Michael needs to worry about finding his wife and apologising to her for undermining her morale and self-confidence when she was in the throes of post partum depression.

Obviously, the shattering of the star was the shattering of Alfie's dreams, just like his advice to Fatboy on how to handle a woman was ironic to say the least ...



As his death draws near, Derek becomes even more unbearable, alienating Jack, putting the slammers on (Fa)Tanya - please, it's obvious now that Lauren the Lip and Turdhopper are not siblings, but do we even care about these two tedious, selfish, entitled and eminently unlikeable human beings. There's no chemistry between the pair, mostly because they have no talent and their characters are anything but sympathetic.

As someone else pointed out, all Lauren does, besides eat, sleep and shit, is loll about, whine, drink, loll about some more and traipse through the Square, drinking at her parents' expense. In point of fact, I applauded Derek pointing out her shortcomings today compared to Abi. I wouldn't have spared her immature feelings either. The fact that it's obvious the twenty year-old actress has resorted to collagen lip treatments resulting in her pronounced trout pout as well as boob enhancements speaks volumes for the actress and also for the character, because - in the words of Lorraine Newman - their characters have been moulded to the actors who portray them. This is a two-bit rehash of Shannis, which was a plot contrivance in and of itself. The only difference is - more's the pity - this won't end in a vail of tears with Turdhopper being squelched under someone's heel or GurnGirl's face being froze in one of her exaggerated expressions, and if it did, no one would give a rat's ass.

The fact that Lauren was sitting and drinking in the pub on the night of her younger brother's birthday party and even belittling the fact that she should even be expected to attend as if there were a cootie infestation showed all of the ugly, selfish and self-centred character that Lauren is. A more unlikeable ingenue has never ever graced the show's screens before this one. Lucy is barely a degree better, but at least she does put in a day's work.

Neither cut the mustard as actresses, however, and both need to be shown the door, preferably with P45s in hand.

Ian and Denise are fine together, but please don't push this romcom malarkey too much before it starts grating. This is what happened in the early days of Denise and Kevin. Once again, this can look too contrived and not natural.

MahAliceMahAngel has yet another day off. This time for shopping. No wonder the country's in recession.

Not a very good episode, considering that all of the storylines are coming together for what is, ostensibly, one big doublewhammy of Branningitis for nine whole episodes over Christmas.

The mind boggles. Not.

Oh yes ... there was a moment of pure surrealism in tonight's episode. When Abi and Lola were sitting in the Branning kitchen, for one brief moment, Lola looked like the spit of Shirley. If that isn't foreshadowing, I don't know what is. Fatboy's the next Alfie, and Lola will be Shirley in thirty years.

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