How's this for some karaoke:-
Everybody, Tanya's here
Hide the wine and hide the beer ...
Drink, drink, drink
For Max has just said
He's found him another sweetheart
Drink, drink, drink
He's thrown off the drunken charms
Of a chavvy old tart
How could Max just say that he
Wanted Kirsty instead of me?
Drink, drink
This is the plan
Drink drink
I'm takin' a stand
Drink drink
Let everyone know that I'm needin' a man
Jack, Alf, Phil
Is anyone free
To make me
An offer tonight
Tyler, Joey, Ray
A middle-class life
Is all that I want
And that's right
Ian, Arthur or Michael Moon
We'll be drinking champagne quite soon
Drink drink
I'm in a rut
Drink drink
I'm off me nut
Drink drink
I'll have to go back just to bein' a slut.
That poem, bad as it is, just about sums up the tripe on offer tonight.
In fact, as sickening as it is, tripe is probably better.
When I feel sorry for Lauren and when I'm interested in Lola in an episode, something's wrong, and I abhor Lauren. Five years ago, as 2008 dawned on the world, when we saw the way Tanya reacted to the Stax reveal and Max's year of horror began, I said all along that Tanya was bad news. In fact, long before that, I thought her a pretentious snob, totally dependent on a man for everything in the world she achieved, selfish, wanton, and immature. She fancied herself an independent businesswoman.
The only difference between Tanya and a kept woman was the wedding ring she wore on her finger, and that she only got from Max because she got pregnant. Greg was the highest bidder. In any other day, Tanya would be the whore who'd become the wife (but continued to act like a whore.)
Tonight showed how brass common, low-lifed and white trashy the Brannings and Crosses are.
Oh, and Angie and Den should rise up from the grave and smack Sharon's chubby cheeks - all four of them - until she wobbles down the street. Because she's officially become common too.
Common as trash. Common as tripe.
'Tis a Pity She's a Drunk.
Same old same old. Haven't we seen this all before? The warning signs? Tanya finishes with Max and the next day she puts on a euphoric front for the girls, who - of course - know better. They're none the wiser why she's kicked Max out, especially since they know that Kirsty has left Walford.
Tanya underestimates her daughters, possibly because in her mind, they're stagnated at some imaginary childhood age. She realises that they are sixteen and eighteen, yet she thinks they have the comprehension level of five year-olds. Here she is, on the way out to what she thinks is a day at work, showing the world what a strong woman she is - the victim, once again, to Max's perfidy, and her first blatant lie is to her daughters. She's decided that it's time she moved on from their father. This was the woman who eavesdropped at the door last month when Max was talking to someone, telling Lauren that this was the man she loved.
Of course, the day at work suddenly turns into an all-day drinkathon, with Poppy, Cora the Bora the Old Grey Hag, Kim (another lush), and the Branning Satellite of Lurve (another one with lushlike tendencies) deciding to start the day with some bubbly (presumably, in the fridge). This bitch session puts a whole new slant on the phrase "champagne breakfast."
And from there, Tanya proceeded to do what Tanya does best when she's in a crisis. Drink. Actually, get drunk. Doesn't matter what the crisis is, Tanya reaches for and starts sucking on that bottle. Max cheats? Tanya drinks. Tanya has cancer? Tanya drinks. Tanya's lonely. Tanya drinks. Oh, and another lie she told tonight - before she got drunk - that she crawled into the salon when she was on chemo. She didn't. She sat and felt sorry for herself and lumbered Lauren with her problems - and that would have been after she shoved the blame for her infidelity onto Max and drove him out of Walford. Yet again.
If anyone needed any proof tonight that Tanya is a drunk, you got it. You even got added support from that fag-foul old drunken man in drag, Cora the Bora.
Closing the salon on a whim for the day was just indicative of what a brillian businesswoman Tanya is not. The business is a front. What about the clients booked for appointments for the day? Most people seem to just gravitate there for a chat, and Tanya, all too often, is seen with the ubiquitous day off, leaving the salon to the auspices of Poppy and Lola.
Poppy is a junior hairdresser and Lola is an apprentice. I ask you, how the hell is a business to cope under those circumstances? That's like a medical consultant taking the day off to play golf and leaving his patients to the care of his houseman and a medical student.
Of course, the decamp to the Vic and then onto the R and R, where - out of the alcoholic generational trio of Cora the Bora, Tanya and Lauren - only Lauren manages, at first, to be sober, and when she points out the incongruity of Tanya drinking, especially in view of Lauren's perceived problems, Tanya does to Lauren what she did in the wake of the Stax reveal - gets ugly with her.
Why dontcher go off an'talk ter yer new best friend, Kirsty?
This reminded me of Tanya's first reaction to Lauren's DVD of Stax - to call Lauren an "evil little bitch."
Just to remind everyone, here are two samples of Tanya's excellent parenting skills in the wake of Stax, back in early 2008, featuring Lauren the Lollipop, precursor to Lauren the Lip. As you can see from the first clip, even then, Tanya was trying to lumber a thirteen year-old with her responsibilities, needing Lauren to be strong because that allowed her to be weak and obsess about her favourite subject: Tanya. In a time like that, Tanya's first concern should have been her children's welfare. It wasn't. It was poor, pitiful Tanya.
And how about this one, when Lollipop Lauren found out that Tanya had been fucking Jack on the side, realising that Tanya was, in fact, no better than Max - sneaking around and lying; and how Tanya squirms and lies some more to say she's different from Max, and she was sure she and Jack would last. Lauren points out that since Max left, Tanya's been through Sean Slater and now Jack. Yeah, Jack lasted. Who's Jack with now? That's right, Tanya's new BFF.
How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child, Tanya! I guess that serpent's tooth of karma is biting hard on your big ass.
I'm amazed how Tanya, drunk as the proverbial skunk, managed to totter from that club in those marital aid shoes, followed closely by the man in drag, Cora the Bora - one drunk, picking another up from the gutter, after meeting Max.
Tanya left Lauren to drink herself silly in the club because she was the worse for wear and Tanya's feelings were hurt that Lauren "wanted Kirsty more than Tanya." She's still singing that song to Max, and how puerile it sounded, how immature when whining and crying to Cora the Bora, that she still loved Max, that she thought she was the love of his life.
This is the lowdown on Max, Tanya. He married Rachel because he got her pregnant. He cheated. Then he met you, whilst still cheating, and got you pregnant. Max has a quirky morality. He decided to make Rachel a divorcee, in order to make sure he gave your baby a name. And he got comfortable with you, just as he did with Rachel, but he was older and smarter. Something was missing in your relationship, otherwise he wouldn't have strayed. He was looking for something he couldn't find.
And when he didn't find it, he'd come back to the comfort of familiarity and his children. You were obliging, and as long as you were obliging, he kept returning. But the one time you actually left him coldly, was when he was on his uppers and bankrupt. You divorced him and married a guy with a big, but unsatisfying dick, and a bigger wallet, but a small brain. And when Max left Walford after your affair with him, he was a free man. You saw to that. He got married. Just like you did, but this time it was different. This time, there was no pregnancy, no shotgun wedding. This time, Max just may have met his soulmate, and that's what's eating you. You think you love Max? You love the semblance of an affluent lifestyle he just barely manages to give you and the pretend status of being a businesswoman. You really love his dick and what he does with it to you. Because it seems that not Sean, not Greg and not even that great slut Jack could satisfy your needs.
You and Cora the Bora looked right at home in the gutter outside an EastEnd pub.
The Brannings' Satellite of Lurrrve ...
Interesting, how Tanya managed to attract Sharon AKA the Branning Satellite of Lurve, on her way to work.
Can I tag along wiv yer, Tan? Can I? Huh? Huh? 'Ere, lemme carry yer bag fer ya. Can I? Huh? Huh?
Sharon, quite honestly, is pathetic - bitching, and passing judgement with the rest of the harpies, and clinging desperately to the crumbs being thrown her from the Branning table. When the bitch session turned into specifically a bitch session about Max, Sharon remarked about the "horrors" she has known. Well, I want to know about these horrors as well. Who are they?
Duncan the Vicar? Wicksy? How about Grant? She married him. Tom the fireman? I seem to recall he was the love of her life. Ross the numptie who was played by Cora the Bora's fat real-life son? Saint Dennis?
Cora the Bora suggested that the horror in question was Phil, which promptly caused The Branning Satellite of Lurrrve to shoot the old bitch the look of death. Oh, if looks could kill.
Maybe Sharon was talking about Jack.
Anyway, I officially hate Sharon now, at least as long as she's joined at the hip, collectively with the Brannings. She doesn't even know these people and in any other time, she'd be looking down her nose at this trash. She's best friends with Tanya - what? in a matter of months. Does she know about Tanya's year-long liaision with Jack and how they romped the beds? Does she know how Tanya behaved after Stax, especially the murder plot where she had to sleep with Sean Slater to get him to help her bury Max alive?
The first line she utters tonight is a throwaway judgement of Max, when she doesn't even know the details of what happened between Max and Tanya. She and Jack acting as if their shit doesn't stink, when she was the original girl who slept with her husband's brother and Jack dropped kids with his wife, her sister and their cousin.
To top all that, when she's in the pub with her BFF and co, she doesn't even acknowledge Ian's presence. Indeed, she sits at the bar the entire time with her back to him. The only allusion she made about him was a snide remark to Denise that Denise could do worse than Ian Beale, as if Denise is undeserving. Cow.
Oh, and Jack's being fobbed of with DamienDen for the evening, she informs Tanya, so they have "all night" to drink. What a blowsy old tart, and the more she sticks with Branning City, the more she looks like Miss Piggy. Seriously.
Thank you, EastEnders, and Simon Ashdown and Lorraine Newman in particular, for fucking up an original character to such an extent.
The Wrath of Dot Realises Cora the Bora is Scum.
Dot is quite right to be annoyed. Cora owes her money. She trusted her to keep payments up on the rent and the utilities. What Cora thought was "only a few weeks" arrears on the rent is over one thousand pounds. Cora had Poppy, and I'm sure Cora made certain Poppy paid her rent - and Poppy would be the sort of person to do that - and then Joey, who handed Cora a sizeable sum of money as his deposit. Obviously, all that money went on fags and booze, and the best she can offer Dot is an extra tenner a month on top of whatever she paid her for the rent? Then Cora decides that Tanya needs her and dumps the shambles of a launderette onto Dot - whilst "needing Tanya" was a euphemism for needing a free manicure.
That old grifter deserves to be homeless. She's a bag lady in all but name. However this produced the best scene of the night, when Billy told Dot he was glad she was back and how the Square and the launderette weren't the same without her.
Dot scored fast when she took advantage of Mr Papadopoulos's visit. He must have been aware of the shambles of the place and put her back in charge again. Take that, you drunken old bitch. Loved Dot's last line to Cora...
I'll see you at 1:30 on the dot, preferably not smellin' of alcohol.
I'm not a Dot shipper, and at times, even tonight, she could be melodramatic and pantomime-ish. That's June Brown's head-bobbing style of comedy, and I don't like it; but even that is better than the tripe being served up to us at the moment.
The Prodigal Daughter
Ava's back - surprise surprise. And in a new job at Oscar's school. So why is she in the Square in the middle of the day, and why isn't her new job starting in the new term? Uh-oh ... somebody in the writing room hasn't been doing their homework. Homework? What's that? If Tanya were thinking about anyone but her own suffering, she'd immediately think that with Oscar's aunt in the educational driving seat, he'd be Oxbridge material next year. Well, he's already a champion gurner.
Anyway, after apologising for her behavior - euphemism warning: I'm really not an angry black woman, even though I am, but you'll just have to find that out yourself. Actually, I'm ...
... but then, you'll find that out in your own time, won't you, sis?
Yet once again, Ava is treated to her long-lost Mommie Dearest and her sister both sodden and in the gutter.
Run, Ava, run!
The Most Embarrassing Sitcom-in-a-Soap Moment.
The Masoods.
First of all, the ridiculous competition between Zainab and Denise for Regional Manager of the MiniMart franchise is just plug-awful.
Time was, Zainab and Denise had a budding friendship reminscent of that of Pat and Kathy in the Nineties. Now, it's devolved into a snipe contest of sheer bitchery and arrogance on Zainab's part, to which Denise must reply, once again in the straight man role.
That Zainab was even considered for a shortlist of managerial candidates is a joke. Her answers in the mock interview with Masood were evidence of that and would cause the viewers of any such sitcom a moment of butt-clinching embarrassment. She is a domestic tyrant at best, but put in a professional environment and you'd see her harassing underpaid workers in an Indian call centre or cracking the whip in a sweatshop in China. She treats people, outside her family, like shit. Constant references to "not pulling their weight" or "dead weight" abound.
In payment for five years of service to EastEnders and some cracking performances, Nina Wadia has been rewarded with becoming a caricatured pushy, despotic, hypocritical and condescending Asian woman. A cartoon, and an unlikeable one at that.
The other part of this sitcom is the hapless Masood, who is being stalked by their sultry houseguest Ayesha. He tries to avoid her, but inadvertantly keeps sending out confusing signals with a sexual sub-content her way, especially after she told him she was horny for him.
Tonight's choice in the role-playing interview put him in a quandry and marked him as potential "Max" material - given the choice of the fair-minded and responsible sexy young chic and the tyrannical, arrogant and bullying wife-that-was-and-is-to-be-again, he chose the old familiar ... Hey, better the devil you know than the devil you don't. Not that Mas would ever be unfaithful - because, like Max, when Mas slept with Jane, they were both single. Legally.
It's a Shame about Ray.
Not even a year ago, we were all saying what a nice guy he was. Then he got involved with Kim. Then he became the Sexy-Beast-footballer. Then the angry black man.
Now, he's just a coward and a lovecheat, proof positive that Ray Dixon was a retconned character thought up on the spur of the moment, with no character arc of progression. MOWgan's father who did nothing but cook meals the kid hated and buy him expensive presents, without ever getting to know him. Kim's boyfriend who only wanted what she would put out, and when he got bored with that, moved onto her sister. And then was too much of a coward to own up to his part in betraying Kim's trust.
Mark you ... Ray is toast. Sometime in the next few months, between Zainab's departure and that of Tanya, TPTB will announce that in the next few weeks, Ray will leave Walford to move closer to his weird daughter Sasha and her mother, who have moved to Aberdeen; and they'll make sure the message is PR'd after Chucky Venn departs.
Kim will leave too, sometime during the year. With Ava and the Little Cock on board, their Afro-Caribbean quota is filled for the time being on EastEnders.
Shame about Ray. I used to like him. Still, he was and is the fittest man in Walford. Just goes to show, it's not all about a pretty face.
But the Ray incident tonight epitomised Ian as a hero, previously shown when he offered to help Denise hone up her interview skills. Ian and Denise were the quiet stars of tonight's story. At least he got the Fox sisters talking again. Kim was almost bearable.
Daddy Cool.
Just when I think they're writing Sharon badly, I'm presented with Phil. This storyline is ludicrous beyond belief. I'm certainly not a fan of Lola, and I've been a longtime fan of Phil's, and it's obvious this cack-handed storyline of Phil going to Cornwall - when the hell did Peggy move to Cornwall? She's the type to have swanned off to Portugal to live with Grant and Sam - to introduce Lexi to Peggy is just a cover for Steve McFadden's panto break. Last year, they landed him on remand in prison. This year, why couldn't he have gone to Portugal with the kid, and taken Billy and Lola too, for a treat?
It's obvious from Lola's first question about Social Services, that Phil hadn't cleared it with them, and certainly not with Lola, to take Lexi on holiday; and Lola was right to alert Trish Barnes, who was succinct in explaining that Lola had to okay the visit; otherwise, if Phil wanted to go on holiday, Lexi had to go into temporary care. For whatever reason, the authorities aren't comfortable with the child being left with Lola.
And she's approaching it wrong as well. Her line to Phil about giving up her friends and all the activities she loved "to keep him happy," was wrong. That did sound as though she was reluctant to give up her former lifestyle and would do so only to get the child back or to keep Phil onside; and we know too, that when she had Lexi, she often included her in these escapades, which always turned out badly; but TPTB are pushing the fact that we should all forget what a deplorable character Lola was - self-entitled, lazy, gobby, rude, theiving, lying and a total chav, now that she's a muvvah - who still steals, lies, has anger issues and rants back at authority. Oh, and calling Peggy "some old piece" to Phil's face was totally disrespectful. Whatever she may think - and she's never met Peggy - Peggy is Phil's mother, and Lexi's great-grandmother.
The Social Worker offered Lola alternatives - bargaining power for giving her permission for Phil to have Lexi on holiday - extra access hours for her permission or even having Social Services pay for Lola to visit Lexi in Cornwall, but Lola makes the wrong decision again. She wants to see her solicitor and fight this.
Fight Phil Mitchell? That's one thing TPTB still get right. Lola and Billy are the loser Mitchells, and like Bianca with the Brannings, they'll always be thrown crumbs from the High table.
I still don't like Lola. I'm appalled at the one-dimensional writing accorded to Phil.
Max: A Man of Constant Sorrow.
Well, he's not George Clooney, but you'd be forgiven for thinking that, with all the women who have lined up to taste Max Branning's flavour.
What is it about bald men and EastEnders? Grant and Sharon, then Tiffany, then Jane, Carla and Chelsea Fox. Phil and Sharon, Nadia, Kathy, Lisa, Mel, Kate, Suzy and now Sharon again. Max and Tanya, Stacey, weird Becca, Vanessa and Kirsty.
Years ago, I used to hear that bald men had higher testosterone levels and higher libidos. This trio proves them true. Tanya sampled Jack and came running back to Max. The Branning Satellite of Lurrve sleeps with Jack, but thinks of Phil and probably fantasizes about Phil. Hell, she still thinks about Grant - the first question Sharon asked when she returned to Walford was about Grant.
The joke of all this is that Jack is sitting in judgement on Max. Jack makes a snide remark about Max being able to lose two wives in the space of one night. Max should have come back with the remark for Jack about his fathering three siblings who are also cousins, based on the fact that Jack got his wife pregnant, and also her sister and their cousin. Maybe Jack would care to tell Sharon that if they married, she'd be Phil Mitchell's nephew's stepmother, and remind her that the baby's mother is Sam Mitchell, who used to be Sharon's sister-in-law?
People are condemning Max now - people being Jack, Tanya, Cora the Bora and The Branning Satellite of Lurrve - for telling Tanya the truth she demanded to hear: he still "has feelings" for Kirsty. That's a euphemism for the fact that he still loves her. Max was single when he married Kirsty, rejected by his ex-wife. Let's see how quickly Jack would be sniffing around Ronnie were she to return on the eve of his marrying Sharon. Wild horses couldn't keep him away.
Tripey episode with Branning overload. The only downside to lessening the Brannings is that Twitney are about to rear their shitty heads again.
Everybody, Tanya's here
Hide the wine and hide the beer ...
Drink, drink, drink
For Max has just said
He's found him another sweetheart
Drink, drink, drink
He's thrown off the drunken charms
Of a chavvy old tart
How could Max just say that he
Wanted Kirsty instead of me?
Drink, drink
This is the plan
Drink drink
I'm takin' a stand
Drink drink
Let everyone know that I'm needin' a man
Jack, Alf, Phil
Is anyone free
To make me
An offer tonight
Tyler, Joey, Ray
A middle-class life
Is all that I want
And that's right
Ian, Arthur or Michael Moon
We'll be drinking champagne quite soon
Drink drink
I'm in a rut
Drink drink
I'm off me nut
Drink drink
I'll have to go back just to bein' a slut.
That poem, bad as it is, just about sums up the tripe on offer tonight.
In fact, as sickening as it is, tripe is probably better.
When I feel sorry for Lauren and when I'm interested in Lola in an episode, something's wrong, and I abhor Lauren. Five years ago, as 2008 dawned on the world, when we saw the way Tanya reacted to the Stax reveal and Max's year of horror began, I said all along that Tanya was bad news. In fact, long before that, I thought her a pretentious snob, totally dependent on a man for everything in the world she achieved, selfish, wanton, and immature. She fancied herself an independent businesswoman.
The only difference between Tanya and a kept woman was the wedding ring she wore on her finger, and that she only got from Max because she got pregnant. Greg was the highest bidder. In any other day, Tanya would be the whore who'd become the wife (but continued to act like a whore.)
Tonight showed how brass common, low-lifed and white trashy the Brannings and Crosses are.
Oh, and Angie and Den should rise up from the grave and smack Sharon's chubby cheeks - all four of them - until she wobbles down the street. Because she's officially become common too.
Common as trash. Common as tripe.
'Tis a Pity She's a Drunk.
Same old same old. Haven't we seen this all before? The warning signs? Tanya finishes with Max and the next day she puts on a euphoric front for the girls, who - of course - know better. They're none the wiser why she's kicked Max out, especially since they know that Kirsty has left Walford.
Tanya underestimates her daughters, possibly because in her mind, they're stagnated at some imaginary childhood age. She realises that they are sixteen and eighteen, yet she thinks they have the comprehension level of five year-olds. Here she is, on the way out to what she thinks is a day at work, showing the world what a strong woman she is - the victim, once again, to Max's perfidy, and her first blatant lie is to her daughters. She's decided that it's time she moved on from their father. This was the woman who eavesdropped at the door last month when Max was talking to someone, telling Lauren that this was the man she loved.
Of course, the day at work suddenly turns into an all-day drinkathon, with Poppy, Cora the Bora the Old Grey Hag, Kim (another lush), and the Branning Satellite of Lurve (another one with lushlike tendencies) deciding to start the day with some bubbly (presumably, in the fridge). This bitch session puts a whole new slant on the phrase "champagne breakfast."
And from there, Tanya proceeded to do what Tanya does best when she's in a crisis. Drink. Actually, get drunk. Doesn't matter what the crisis is, Tanya reaches for and starts sucking on that bottle. Max cheats? Tanya drinks. Tanya has cancer? Tanya drinks. Tanya's lonely. Tanya drinks. Oh, and another lie she told tonight - before she got drunk - that she crawled into the salon when she was on chemo. She didn't. She sat and felt sorry for herself and lumbered Lauren with her problems - and that would have been after she shoved the blame for her infidelity onto Max and drove him out of Walford. Yet again.
If anyone needed any proof tonight that Tanya is a drunk, you got it. You even got added support from that fag-foul old drunken man in drag, Cora the Bora.
Cora the Bora
A Man in Drag
Closing the salon on a whim for the day was just indicative of what a brillian businesswoman Tanya is not. The business is a front. What about the clients booked for appointments for the day? Most people seem to just gravitate there for a chat, and Tanya, all too often, is seen with the ubiquitous day off, leaving the salon to the auspices of Poppy and Lola.
Poppy is a junior hairdresser and Lola is an apprentice. I ask you, how the hell is a business to cope under those circumstances? That's like a medical consultant taking the day off to play golf and leaving his patients to the care of his houseman and a medical student.
Of course, the decamp to the Vic and then onto the R and R, where - out of the alcoholic generational trio of Cora the Bora, Tanya and Lauren - only Lauren manages, at first, to be sober, and when she points out the incongruity of Tanya drinking, especially in view of Lauren's perceived problems, Tanya does to Lauren what she did in the wake of the Stax reveal - gets ugly with her.
Why dontcher go off an'talk ter yer new best friend, Kirsty?
This reminded me of Tanya's first reaction to Lauren's DVD of Stax - to call Lauren an "evil little bitch."
Just to remind everyone, here are two samples of Tanya's excellent parenting skills in the wake of Stax, back in early 2008, featuring Lauren the Lollipop, precursor to Lauren the Lip. As you can see from the first clip, even then, Tanya was trying to lumber a thirteen year-old with her responsibilities, needing Lauren to be strong because that allowed her to be weak and obsess about her favourite subject: Tanya. In a time like that, Tanya's first concern should have been her children's welfare. It wasn't. It was poor, pitiful Tanya.
And how about this one, when Lollipop Lauren found out that Tanya had been fucking Jack on the side, realising that Tanya was, in fact, no better than Max - sneaking around and lying; and how Tanya squirms and lies some more to say she's different from Max, and she was sure she and Jack would last. Lauren points out that since Max left, Tanya's been through Sean Slater and now Jack. Yeah, Jack lasted. Who's Jack with now? That's right, Tanya's new BFF.
How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child, Tanya! I guess that serpent's tooth of karma is biting hard on your big ass.
I'm amazed how Tanya, drunk as the proverbial skunk, managed to totter from that club in those marital aid shoes, followed closely by the man in drag, Cora the Bora - one drunk, picking another up from the gutter, after meeting Max.
Tanya left Lauren to drink herself silly in the club because she was the worse for wear and Tanya's feelings were hurt that Lauren "wanted Kirsty more than Tanya." She's still singing that song to Max, and how puerile it sounded, how immature when whining and crying to Cora the Bora, that she still loved Max, that she thought she was the love of his life.
This is the lowdown on Max, Tanya. He married Rachel because he got her pregnant. He cheated. Then he met you, whilst still cheating, and got you pregnant. Max has a quirky morality. He decided to make Rachel a divorcee, in order to make sure he gave your baby a name. And he got comfortable with you, just as he did with Rachel, but he was older and smarter. Something was missing in your relationship, otherwise he wouldn't have strayed. He was looking for something he couldn't find.
And when he didn't find it, he'd come back to the comfort of familiarity and his children. You were obliging, and as long as you were obliging, he kept returning. But the one time you actually left him coldly, was when he was on his uppers and bankrupt. You divorced him and married a guy with a big, but unsatisfying dick, and a bigger wallet, but a small brain. And when Max left Walford after your affair with him, he was a free man. You saw to that. He got married. Just like you did, but this time it was different. This time, there was no pregnancy, no shotgun wedding. This time, Max just may have met his soulmate, and that's what's eating you. You think you love Max? You love the semblance of an affluent lifestyle he just barely manages to give you and the pretend status of being a businesswoman. You really love his dick and what he does with it to you. Because it seems that not Sean, not Greg and not even that great slut Jack could satisfy your needs.
You and Cora the Bora looked right at home in the gutter outside an EastEnd pub.
The Brannings' Satellite of Lurrrve ...
Interesting, how Tanya managed to attract Sharon AKA the Branning Satellite of Lurve, on her way to work.
Can I tag along wiv yer, Tan? Can I? Huh? Huh? 'Ere, lemme carry yer bag fer ya. Can I? Huh? Huh?
Sharon, quite honestly, is pathetic - bitching, and passing judgement with the rest of the harpies, and clinging desperately to the crumbs being thrown her from the Branning table. When the bitch session turned into specifically a bitch session about Max, Sharon remarked about the "horrors" she has known. Well, I want to know about these horrors as well. Who are they?
Duncan the Vicar? Wicksy? How about Grant? She married him. Tom the fireman? I seem to recall he was the love of her life. Ross the numptie who was played by Cora the Bora's fat real-life son? Saint Dennis?
Cora the Bora suggested that the horror in question was Phil, which promptly caused The Branning Satellite of Lurrrve to shoot the old bitch the look of death. Oh, if looks could kill.
Maybe Sharon was talking about Jack.
Anyway, I officially hate Sharon now, at least as long as she's joined at the hip, collectively with the Brannings. She doesn't even know these people and in any other time, she'd be looking down her nose at this trash. She's best friends with Tanya - what? in a matter of months. Does she know about Tanya's year-long liaision with Jack and how they romped the beds? Does she know how Tanya behaved after Stax, especially the murder plot where she had to sleep with Sean Slater to get him to help her bury Max alive?
The first line she utters tonight is a throwaway judgement of Max, when she doesn't even know the details of what happened between Max and Tanya. She and Jack acting as if their shit doesn't stink, when she was the original girl who slept with her husband's brother and Jack dropped kids with his wife, her sister and their cousin.
To top all that, when she's in the pub with her BFF and co, she doesn't even acknowledge Ian's presence. Indeed, she sits at the bar the entire time with her back to him. The only allusion she made about him was a snide remark to Denise that Denise could do worse than Ian Beale, as if Denise is undeserving. Cow.
Oh, and Jack's being fobbed of with DamienDen for the evening, she informs Tanya, so they have "all night" to drink. What a blowsy old tart, and the more she sticks with Branning City, the more she looks like Miss Piggy. Seriously.
Thank you, EastEnders, and Simon Ashdown and Lorraine Newman in particular, for fucking up an original character to such an extent.
The Wrath of Dot Realises Cora the Bora is Scum.
Dot is quite right to be annoyed. Cora owes her money. She trusted her to keep payments up on the rent and the utilities. What Cora thought was "only a few weeks" arrears on the rent is over one thousand pounds. Cora had Poppy, and I'm sure Cora made certain Poppy paid her rent - and Poppy would be the sort of person to do that - and then Joey, who handed Cora a sizeable sum of money as his deposit. Obviously, all that money went on fags and booze, and the best she can offer Dot is an extra tenner a month on top of whatever she paid her for the rent? Then Cora decides that Tanya needs her and dumps the shambles of a launderette onto Dot - whilst "needing Tanya" was a euphemism for needing a free manicure.
That old grifter deserves to be homeless. She's a bag lady in all but name. However this produced the best scene of the night, when Billy told Dot he was glad she was back and how the Square and the launderette weren't the same without her.
Dot scored fast when she took advantage of Mr Papadopoulos's visit. He must have been aware of the shambles of the place and put her back in charge again. Take that, you drunken old bitch. Loved Dot's last line to Cora...
I'll see you at 1:30 on the dot, preferably not smellin' of alcohol.
I'm not a Dot shipper, and at times, even tonight, she could be melodramatic and pantomime-ish. That's June Brown's head-bobbing style of comedy, and I don't like it; but even that is better than the tripe being served up to us at the moment.
The Prodigal Daughter
Ava's back - surprise surprise. And in a new job at Oscar's school. So why is she in the Square in the middle of the day, and why isn't her new job starting in the new term? Uh-oh ... somebody in the writing room hasn't been doing their homework. Homework? What's that? If Tanya were thinking about anyone but her own suffering, she'd immediately think that with Oscar's aunt in the educational driving seat, he'd be Oxbridge material next year. Well, he's already a champion gurner.
Anyway, after apologising for her behavior - euphemism warning: I'm really not an angry black woman, even though I am, but you'll just have to find that out yourself. Actually, I'm ...
... but then, you'll find that out in your own time, won't you, sis?
Yet once again, Ava is treated to her long-lost Mommie Dearest and her sister both sodden and in the gutter.
Run, Ava, run!
The Most Embarrassing Sitcom-in-a-Soap Moment.
The Masoods.
First of all, the ridiculous competition between Zainab and Denise for Regional Manager of the MiniMart franchise is just plug-awful.
Time was, Zainab and Denise had a budding friendship reminscent of that of Pat and Kathy in the Nineties. Now, it's devolved into a snipe contest of sheer bitchery and arrogance on Zainab's part, to which Denise must reply, once again in the straight man role.
That Zainab was even considered for a shortlist of managerial candidates is a joke. Her answers in the mock interview with Masood were evidence of that and would cause the viewers of any such sitcom a moment of butt-clinching embarrassment. She is a domestic tyrant at best, but put in a professional environment and you'd see her harassing underpaid workers in an Indian call centre or cracking the whip in a sweatshop in China. She treats people, outside her family, like shit. Constant references to "not pulling their weight" or "dead weight" abound.
In payment for five years of service to EastEnders and some cracking performances, Nina Wadia has been rewarded with becoming a caricatured pushy, despotic, hypocritical and condescending Asian woman. A cartoon, and an unlikeable one at that.
The other part of this sitcom is the hapless Masood, who is being stalked by their sultry houseguest Ayesha. He tries to avoid her, but inadvertantly keeps sending out confusing signals with a sexual sub-content her way, especially after she told him she was horny for him.
Tonight's choice in the role-playing interview put him in a quandry and marked him as potential "Max" material - given the choice of the fair-minded and responsible sexy young chic and the tyrannical, arrogant and bullying wife-that-was-and-is-to-be-again, he chose the old familiar ... Hey, better the devil you know than the devil you don't. Not that Mas would ever be unfaithful - because, like Max, when Mas slept with Jane, they were both single. Legally.
It's a Shame about Ray.
Not even a year ago, we were all saying what a nice guy he was. Then he got involved with Kim. Then he became the Sexy-Beast-footballer. Then the angry black man.
Now, he's just a coward and a lovecheat, proof positive that Ray Dixon was a retconned character thought up on the spur of the moment, with no character arc of progression. MOWgan's father who did nothing but cook meals the kid hated and buy him expensive presents, without ever getting to know him. Kim's boyfriend who only wanted what she would put out, and when he got bored with that, moved onto her sister. And then was too much of a coward to own up to his part in betraying Kim's trust.
Mark you ... Ray is toast. Sometime in the next few months, between Zainab's departure and that of Tanya, TPTB will announce that in the next few weeks, Ray will leave Walford to move closer to his weird daughter Sasha and her mother, who have moved to Aberdeen; and they'll make sure the message is PR'd after Chucky Venn departs.
Kim will leave too, sometime during the year. With Ava and the Little Cock on board, their Afro-Caribbean quota is filled for the time being on EastEnders.
Shame about Ray. I used to like him. Still, he was and is the fittest man in Walford. Just goes to show, it's not all about a pretty face.
But the Ray incident tonight epitomised Ian as a hero, previously shown when he offered to help Denise hone up her interview skills. Ian and Denise were the quiet stars of tonight's story. At least he got the Fox sisters talking again. Kim was almost bearable.
Daddy Cool.
Just when I think they're writing Sharon badly, I'm presented with Phil. This storyline is ludicrous beyond belief. I'm certainly not a fan of Lola, and I've been a longtime fan of Phil's, and it's obvious this cack-handed storyline of Phil going to Cornwall - when the hell did Peggy move to Cornwall? She's the type to have swanned off to Portugal to live with Grant and Sam - to introduce Lexi to Peggy is just a cover for Steve McFadden's panto break. Last year, they landed him on remand in prison. This year, why couldn't he have gone to Portugal with the kid, and taken Billy and Lola too, for a treat?
It's obvious from Lola's first question about Social Services, that Phil hadn't cleared it with them, and certainly not with Lola, to take Lexi on holiday; and Lola was right to alert Trish Barnes, who was succinct in explaining that Lola had to okay the visit; otherwise, if Phil wanted to go on holiday, Lexi had to go into temporary care. For whatever reason, the authorities aren't comfortable with the child being left with Lola.
And she's approaching it wrong as well. Her line to Phil about giving up her friends and all the activities she loved "to keep him happy," was wrong. That did sound as though she was reluctant to give up her former lifestyle and would do so only to get the child back or to keep Phil onside; and we know too, that when she had Lexi, she often included her in these escapades, which always turned out badly; but TPTB are pushing the fact that we should all forget what a deplorable character Lola was - self-entitled, lazy, gobby, rude, theiving, lying and a total chav, now that she's a muvvah - who still steals, lies, has anger issues and rants back at authority. Oh, and calling Peggy "some old piece" to Phil's face was totally disrespectful. Whatever she may think - and she's never met Peggy - Peggy is Phil's mother, and Lexi's great-grandmother.
The Social Worker offered Lola alternatives - bargaining power for giving her permission for Phil to have Lexi on holiday - extra access hours for her permission or even having Social Services pay for Lola to visit Lexi in Cornwall, but Lola makes the wrong decision again. She wants to see her solicitor and fight this.
Fight Phil Mitchell? That's one thing TPTB still get right. Lola and Billy are the loser Mitchells, and like Bianca with the Brannings, they'll always be thrown crumbs from the High table.
I still don't like Lola. I'm appalled at the one-dimensional writing accorded to Phil.
Max: A Man of Constant Sorrow.
Well, he's not George Clooney, but you'd be forgiven for thinking that, with all the women who have lined up to taste Max Branning's flavour.
What is it about bald men and EastEnders? Grant and Sharon, then Tiffany, then Jane, Carla and Chelsea Fox. Phil and Sharon, Nadia, Kathy, Lisa, Mel, Kate, Suzy and now Sharon again. Max and Tanya, Stacey, weird Becca, Vanessa and Kirsty.
Years ago, I used to hear that bald men had higher testosterone levels and higher libidos. This trio proves them true. Tanya sampled Jack and came running back to Max. The Branning Satellite of Lurrve sleeps with Jack, but thinks of Phil and probably fantasizes about Phil. Hell, she still thinks about Grant - the first question Sharon asked when she returned to Walford was about Grant.
The joke of all this is that Jack is sitting in judgement on Max. Jack makes a snide remark about Max being able to lose two wives in the space of one night. Max should have come back with the remark for Jack about his fathering three siblings who are also cousins, based on the fact that Jack got his wife pregnant, and also her sister and their cousin. Maybe Jack would care to tell Sharon that if they married, she'd be Phil Mitchell's nephew's stepmother, and remind her that the baby's mother is Sam Mitchell, who used to be Sharon's sister-in-law?
People are condemning Max now - people being Jack, Tanya, Cora the Bora and The Branning Satellite of Lurrve - for telling Tanya the truth she demanded to hear: he still "has feelings" for Kirsty. That's a euphemism for the fact that he still loves her. Max was single when he married Kirsty, rejected by his ex-wife. Let's see how quickly Jack would be sniffing around Ronnie were she to return on the eve of his marrying Sharon. Wild horses couldn't keep him away.
Tripey episode with Branning overload. The only downside to lessening the Brannings is that Twitney are about to rear their shitty heads again.
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