Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Ministry of Silly Talks - Review 13.11.2012

Wow ... just wow ... first shock of the night. Syed said two very important words ...

Yes, Syed said, "I'm sorry" to Christian. OK, he wasn't really sorry for having cheated and lied; moreso, he was sorry for having been caught in the act thereof, so he said he was sorry in such a way and with such a puppy dog woebegon look that would melt anybody's heart - well, Zainab's, at least. It's the same old same old act that Syed has used and has down to an art for getting people to forgive him his sins, when he's actually saying sorry and not meaning it.

Can you believe, as well, that Syed was callous enough to use a reference to Yasmin to get around Christian? So, once again, Syed uses his daughter, who was always Christian's weak point, in a plea for sympathy.

Syed is caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place. He can either reconcile with Christian or go home to Mommy. But Daddy lives with Mommy and Daddy doesn't cut Syed's shit as nicely as Mommy does. So Christian is the lesser of two evils, and garners Syed some independence - as much as he can cope with, anyway.

Oh, it was one of those episodes again. Filler filler filler filler filler. Nothing happening, just bits and bobs. When the Masoods are boring and repetitive, things are in a pretty poor state, although Pete Lawson made a noble stab at pretty much writing about nothing.

Yasmin is gone and the bulk of the Masood action centres around various Masoods encouraging Syed to "talk" to Christian.

What's the single most repeated line of dialogue in the history of EastEnders?

"We need to talk."

Only people don't talk. And that was what tonight's episode was all about. Just silly talk and saying nothing. People either don't talk or they talk and say something they don't mean to say. Like I said, same old same old.

So we have Syed running around like a headless chicken, proving to Christian that he's serious by trying to find work at Tanya's salon. (From expediency, they've resurrected the brief and curiously forgotten attempt at a Syed-Tanya friendship). The only thing I garnered from that was amazement at what a total hypocrite Tanya is, with her advice to Syed that Christian would take a long time to forgive Syed's cheating, because it took her a long time to forgive Max's first betrayal.

I guess it took Rachel a long time to forgive him too, and if Tanya would care to remember, Rachel never did forgive her fat ass for snaking her husband away from his child. Tanya and Syed - the friendship that wasn't. Two hypocritical cheats together.

So Christian is going to America ...

So ... does Christian have a Green Card? No. Does he have a secure job promised there, which would result in a Green Card and his employer having to prove substantially that there isn't an American qualified to do whatever it is Christian will do? Well, no, since that would take an average of about six months and scores of investigations. The wheels of bureaucracy turn slowly. 

Nope. He's going on a phone call from Jane, who appears to have given up the cush job in Wales and gone to care for her mother in her illness. Even with an ill parent resident in the US, a non-citizen can only stay up to six months. Jane could be a chef, you say? In Florida, with its rich heritage of Cuban, Latino, Creole and Soul cuisine? Jane's meat, potatoes and gravy wouldn't pass muster. Americans can cook, so Jane's skills would be superfluous; and Florida is the home of beach workouts and personal trainers ... Christian would have a hard time too. So much for him promising Roxy vacations stateside. He could divorce Syed and marry again, but the closest he could get to Florida would be Maryland, which has just legalised same sex marriage, and then he'd have to marry an American and pretty much remain in that State, hoping for the best.

Still, EastEnders was never that thorough in researching emigration to the United States.

What else is new? Lucy's first two scenes consisted of her saying nothing but with her mouth gaping open as always. No change there.

I'm just amazed that the Masoods are so entrenched now in borefest. Tamwar is working at the Minute Mart, but he's allowed to sashay outside, on Zainab's word (and she doesn't work there anymore, remember?) to have a talk with his brother, which ended with them comfortingly holding hands. (Please pass the puke bucket).

Second shock of the night: Ian has been away for the week, staying at Dot's.

Pardon me, but Dot's is still across the Square. Only now Cora the ASBO Granny and Poppy Meadow live there.

Staying at Dot's?

Lest we forget, Dot scarpered from Walford, without giving Jim a backward glance, because she couldn't get over Hevvah being dead. She went to stay with her daughter-in-law, AKA the mother of Dotty the Demon Child, who might also be called Kirsty. Rose is staying there too. 

Dot is Demon Child's grandmother and Rose, her great-aunt. Ian never said two words to her and doesn't know her mother from Adam (or Eve). Besides, the child is the spawn of Nick Cotton, and Dot is a guest in her daughter-in-law's house. Along with Rose. So how could Dot even have invited Ian to stay? It's not her place. And why would he even have wanted to go?

Seems like someone's being forgotten here ... Hello? Peter? Wouldn't it have made more sense to say Ian had gone to Devon to visit Peter? People don't think.

So the inevitable slow-burning to the point of sleep-induction romance between Poppy and Fatboy begins thus: Fatboy has a crush on a red-headed girl who works in a pharmacy, whose existence has only been sussed by viewers. Don't worry, we'll never see the girl in question, whose name is Sylvia. One of the great mysteries ever on EastEnders ... what does Sylvia look like? Who is she?

This is a mystery on par with Billy's stolen post.

The rest of their sequence was made up with inanities uttered by Poppy, with tips on seduction via spaghetti bolognese and clean underwear, along with the ubiquitous make-over.

Arthur had such promise with Denise. The relationship was original, it was poignant and both characters, despite an age difference, actually had genuine chemistry. Instead we get an airhead encouraging Ali G and fluff scenes which interest no one but the shippers, who'd rave about an entire episode of EastEnders centering around watching paint dry.

Ava's coming ... did you hear? Time to start up the excitement about her impending arrival with Cora acting like a prize putz ...

OK, we get the idea. You gave your kid up for adoption when it wasn't au fait to be a single mother of any sort.

Pushy pushy Patrick - still, Patrick was one of the brighter spots in a dull episode - nice continuity bringing up reference to his sons. I miss Paul Truman. But seriously, Cora was acting like a spoiled brat. If she really wanted nothing to do with Patrick and wanted to sulk on her own, she could easily have told him to naff off. Instead, she did what she usually did and let him talk on. And, sorry, but Cora did take liberties in that charity shop - many's the time we've seen Cora and Patrick tucked away in the back room enjoying a snoutful, and how many times has Cora taken her pick of the loot left in the charity shop, leaving tat to be picked over? And, yes, she was using Mr Lister's sister's bag for shopping.

Totally superfluous scene and weak lead-in to a storyline that's been as obvious as the nose on your face.

(Warning: Ava is supposedly a head mistress, which means she's probably a well-educated, well-spoken professional ... as in Stella ... as in May ... as in Yusef ... and you know what that means ...)

Actually, maybe that should apply to Cora, as nasty as she became at the very end. How to garner sympathy and understanding ... not.

BranningVille. I guess Tanya really must be an alcoholic. Max was visably drunk the night before, but she looked pretty sober; yet there she was nursing the mother of all hangovers. Alice the Goon has another day off. (Poppy has a half-day, and the Salon is quiet; it's no wonder. Tanya's never there). I'm wondering when Alice is going to get the sack - and not from Ray, on whom she obviously has a crush, especially since he's rescued her from the drama school girl gang headed by the twentysomething lollipop head who's trying to look fifteen.

Hang on ... Alice is imitating scuzzah Lauren? Whatever? Lauren is a role model. Oh well, then. Alice will quit her job and loll around the house on the couch, getting drunk. Maybe this is foreshadowing. Maybe Alice kills Derek and, thus, goes one better on Cousin Katniss. Actually, Derek is quite right not wanting Alice to associate with Lauren. Lauren is a drunk who's tried to kill her father. Her mother is a drunk who's also tried to kill Max. I wonder if Derek knows either of these choice titbits.

The obvious highlight of a low episode was Max's surprise for Derek, shot on the same estate where Derek sent Alfie to offer Jim's watch to an as-then unseen Joey (and much the better for it). Jackie Bosch, about whom we've only just recently heard, allegedly was the love of Derek's life.

Let's see ... we heard the story, told at New Years, about how Derek was so pissed off at Carol falling pregnant that he beat his then-girlfriend - which, obviously, wasn't Jackie or she'd have been sure to have mentioned that treat. She did mention his wandering hands, though, and his putrid breath, and that she'd been a looker. And that she didn't like bullies.

The biggest foreshadowing of the night lay in her question to Derek: "Are you going to die?"

That was a clever line. Kudos, Pete. Shame about the rest of the episode.

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