Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Shipping Forecast

No, not the one you hear on Radio 4 (although that would be infinitely more interesting). This week, in lieu of my dubious awards acknowledgement, I'm taking a moment out to recognise some of the best shippers going amongst the EastEnders' fanbase.

You know the shippers - they're someone's or something's most ardent fans, and EastEnders are not without theirs. They are the people who'll stick with the most foul-smelling shit until the bitter end, not only watching it, but also bigging it up beyond all proportions to other people.

No episode is ever dire, no acting performance is ever bad, every character is absolutely amazing (or awesome). Ann Mitchell isn't just a passable stage actress who moved about the peripheries of the likes of Maggie Smith and Judy Dench, she's positively mesmerising, stealing every scene. 

The shippers understand the hidden depth (or "depf" as they say) in such shallow biddies as Tanya. They excuse Whitney's behaviour every time she dumps a dependable bloke for a fuck with a bad boy. Kat is always to be pitied and always always missing those wonderfully talented actresses who played her sisters (especially Belinda) because Kat just needs those sisters off which to bounce. Lacey Turner is the most talented actress ever to grace the production, and they simply cannot understand why she hasn't yet cracked Hollywood.

They can write reams about Max's ass, think David Witts is the spit image of Nigel Harman, with twice the talent. Jacqueline Jossa is a fantastic actress (when she isn't being so hot), and every storyline is absolutely spell-binding.

The shippers are the ones who'll always say how wonderful an episode is when everyone around them is saying it was full of shit.

They're the fanboys' and girls' fanboys and girls, and they'd find something to praise about EastEnders if the programme consisted of nothing more than showing the BBC test signal.

If you're wondering where to find these good folk, take a gander on Digital Spy's soaps forum or go to Walford Web kindergarten (where these people are usually little bully boys throwing hissy fits at anyone who dares disagree with their point of view.) They're intolerant, narrow-minded and very often insulting, but then children are seldom kind and often ignorant.

So, shippers of the EastEnders parallel universe, I salute you and name you herein:-

From Digital Spy



The Queen Vic (who just may be a PR plant for EastEnders)


Falling Piano


From Walford Web Kindergarten

*Betty* (the worst of the narrow-minded fanboys)

Mr James

Will Slater-Mitchell (ultimate Katapologist)

Shamelessness (with a horrifically foul mouth)

mr sunshine

King Pin of Walford (Southern Hemisphere shipping champion)

Honourable Mention for Hanging around the Periphery

The Other Slater Cousin

Passive-Aggressive Fanboy Bully

Callum (or whatever he's calling himself these days)

This one is for ALL of you ...

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