A song for the utterly stupid Lauren Branning and the totally untalented actress who portrays her. (Believe me, according to Lorraine Newman, they are one and the same, and that bodes bad for this show).
Well, that was much of the same old same old, wasn't it? It certainly wasn't EastEnders. This has ceased to be an ensemble show about life concerning the various families and dynamics on the Square. Until such a time as the people in control of this SHIT get a grip and start swinging the axe against the deadwood, I shall continue to call it The Branning Show, because that's what it is.
Let's start with the single, solitary good bit, the story about Phil Mitchell and his quest for his grandchild (and this wasn't 100% wonderful, believe me, but it was better than the tripe with the Brannings).
I fucking love Phil Mitchell. He is the most nuanced and multi-leveled character on the show, and no other character has a smile so honestly joyous, and at the same time, sinister, as Phil. A spanner was thrown in the works in his plot to get custody of his grandchild, when he learns that the assault charges against poor pitiful Lola have been dropped, which means she stands a fair chance of getting Lexie back.
It seems that Billy's bit of witness-tampering paid off, but in order to re-direct proceedings in the direction Phil wants, he has to get Billy away from the scene for a couple of days. Poor pitiful Lola may think she's smart, but a snowball will freeze over in hell when she fools Phil Mitchell.
It appears that a neglect charge has been lodged against Lola. I was unaware of that. I only knew that the kid was taken because she had assaulted Alexa. The nappy rash incident seemed minor, but I'm wondering if Phil didn't instruct Ritchie to lodge that charge in order to ensure that Lexie stayed in care for the time being. His willingness to look after Lola in Billy's absence, encouraging Billy to earn money for his family etc, worked a treat, with silly Billy and poor pitiful Lola reckoning Phil was getting soft in his old age.
I'm sorry. As obnoxious as the social worker is, and that's one of many examples of recent bad and irresponsible writing on the part of EastEnders - by people for whom research means real work - I don't feel sorry for Lola in the least. The way she spoke to that woman tonight was totally rude and out of order. Social workers take stock of that sort of behaviour. If Lola reacts this way to authority, how do you think she's going to raise Lexie? She'll be some mouthy little chav, lifting anything that isn't tied down by the time she's six, making Tiffany Butcher look like an angel.
I loved the calculating look on Phil's face when he hugged Lola after telling her what had effectively become a white lie (a big one), and I liked even better his less than gentle reminder to her that Phil's house was not Lola's home, coincidentally when he took Lexie from her in order that he, Phil, could give the child her bath.
I think the penny dropped just then for poor pitiful Lola. Such a sympathetic figure. Not. And played by such a convincing actress. Double not.
The rest of the episode was pretty shitty, the worst bits being the contrived scenes between Joey and Lauren and Poppy and Fatboy.
The lesser of two evils first - Poppy and Fatboy.
I like Poppy, especially when Rachel Bright isn't doing The Only Way Is Essex routine. If I remember correctly, Poppy is supposed to be Jewish. Didn't Darren and Jodie attend her brother's bar mitzvah shortly after the babyswap? And I thought her parents were supposed to be pretty swank. Yet, here she is, slogging out three days a week at a salon whose owner is never there to oversee events, and living with the owner's mother in a house where the registered renter doesn't even know she's living. Go figure.
Poppy likes Fatboy. That's obvious. So we get the incidental Sylvia to make Poppy show us her real feelings via a look. But, fucking Lordy, that scene in the salon was amateurish, butt-clinchingly cringeworthy and wouldn't even pass muster on what I reckon to be the worst of the US soaps, The Young and the Restless ...
Still, this tripe is still going after 30 years, so I guess it's part of the universal dumbing-down of society that's prevalent today. At least, it's famous for giving the world David Hasselhof, who was, I can tell you, the Joey of his day ...
Don't believe me? Take a look, ca 1972 ...
David Witts is one of a long line of beefcake planks, the prototype of which was the 'Hoff, whose name in The Young and The Restless was, believe it or not, Snapper.
As if anyone, left in charge of a business like a beauty salon, and with customers present, would stop everything and give a lesson in pulling a bird to a socially gauche person. I'm surprised the few people present in the background didn't walk out the door. No wonder the place is sucking badly - with that and with Billy Mitchell wanting to train as a masseur ... only for blokes, mind you.
So we know that Poppy really likes Fatboy and that, deep down, he probably really likes her too - that was what the ambiguous dialogue in the rehearsal scene was all about - stock shit from a bad romcom. The ironic thing was that, two weeks ago, Denise was the love of Arthur's life. He was genuinely touched by her, and as a couple, they worked. The problem is that this is a production staff and a writing room afraid to take a risk unless it's sensational.
Onto the fecal pile.
Lauren is a gurner and Joey is a turd. I am sorry, but I don't think David Witts is handsome. He reminds me of a cross between a duck and Richard Nixon.
Except both Donald and Dick could keep their mouths shut and breathe through their noses. I especially dislike his awful and unintelligible diction and the contrived gravelly voice he uses with the phoney Cockney accent.
Jossa had one good week a year ago, and since then, she's been phoning her lines in. She's obviously believing in her own hype, but she is one of the worst actresses I've ever seen on the show. She gurns constantly - never moreso than tonight, and the way she thrusts her lips forward into the camera all the time (has she had collagen treatments at twenty? I swear her upper lip gets thicker every time I see her on camera). Her delivery is way off - as if anyone would speak like that in real life.
If this were a methinks-they-doth-protest-too-much lateral family love denial, it was pisspoor. It reminded me more of two middle school kids with crushes on each other who deny it to save face in front of their friends. These two haven't had a meaningful conversation that amounted to more than small talk or foolishness in their lives. Obviously, tonight's conversation with Madam protesting that she wasn't lonely and confessing that she uses the day to sketch people is meant to convey to us that Lauren is really one hot sensitive and misunderstood babe.
Bullshit.
The remark she made about the only way she'd ever be £30k in debt was if she spent the dosh on shallow things instead of an education and that she was perfectly happy lazing about the house with a full drinks' cabinet summed her up entirely. The fact that Joey suddenly was made to seem interested in her social welfare whilst looking for a place to stay was also meant to convey depth (or "depf") to the viewer.
In the end, it didn't work, because both of the actors were so bad, and both of their characters are so totally unlikeable. Lauren showing Joey her drawings (that old cliche) and having some she'd drawn of him accidentally on purpose drop onto the floor as the catalyst for them to give vent to their "passion" was totally trite, totally predictable, not in the least creative or original and just fucking pukeworthy.
Message to the writers: You know, it helps if the general viewing public actually like and can emotionally invest in characters that are supposed to be positive. That Derek, as pejorative as he is, seemed to know that Joey would try to cream Lauren's knickers says a lot about Joey's character. People have remarked about how Derek leers and seems to have an unnaturally incestuous interest in Carol, and here we have Turd, son of Toad, lusting after his manky cousin. Yes, this is legal, but the bloodlines are close, and I was just reading an article today about studies in birth defects amongst first cousins who marry - but again, EastEnders would shy away from depicting such a story should Loey result in a pregnancy. That would be too realistic for their delicate fantasies of rainbows and fireworks in the lovemaking department.
No one likes Joey and no one likes Lauren, save the shallow lowest common denominator of yoof viewer and the usual shippers. And the actors who portray them suck pretty badly also.
Onto the man in drag.
It's amazing what you can find on the Internet these days. Armed only with a name, Libby Fox managed to find Lucas Johnson in less than an hour. Max found Jackie Bosch for Derek, and Tanya, who isn't the brightest lightbulb in the pack, took an entire night to find Ava Hartman, when in reality, neither she nor Cora the drunk would even know Ava's name at all.
And, whoop-ti-doo, Ava only lives 18 minutes away, and is a deputy head teacher. That means an educated, well-spoken professional, and for EastEnders, that means ...
Probably pays as much as EastEnders does.
Well, that was much of the same old same old, wasn't it? It certainly wasn't EastEnders. This has ceased to be an ensemble show about life concerning the various families and dynamics on the Square. Until such a time as the people in control of this SHIT get a grip and start swinging the axe against the deadwood, I shall continue to call it The Branning Show, because that's what it is.
Let's start with the single, solitary good bit, the story about Phil Mitchell and his quest for his grandchild (and this wasn't 100% wonderful, believe me, but it was better than the tripe with the Brannings).
I fucking love Phil Mitchell. He is the most nuanced and multi-leveled character on the show, and no other character has a smile so honestly joyous, and at the same time, sinister, as Phil. A spanner was thrown in the works in his plot to get custody of his grandchild, when he learns that the assault charges against poor pitiful Lola have been dropped, which means she stands a fair chance of getting Lexie back.
It seems that Billy's bit of witness-tampering paid off, but in order to re-direct proceedings in the direction Phil wants, he has to get Billy away from the scene for a couple of days. Poor pitiful Lola may think she's smart, but a snowball will freeze over in hell when she fools Phil Mitchell.
It appears that a neglect charge has been lodged against Lola. I was unaware of that. I only knew that the kid was taken because she had assaulted Alexa. The nappy rash incident seemed minor, but I'm wondering if Phil didn't instruct Ritchie to lodge that charge in order to ensure that Lexie stayed in care for the time being. His willingness to look after Lola in Billy's absence, encouraging Billy to earn money for his family etc, worked a treat, with silly Billy and poor pitiful Lola reckoning Phil was getting soft in his old age.
I'm sorry. As obnoxious as the social worker is, and that's one of many examples of recent bad and irresponsible writing on the part of EastEnders - by people for whom research means real work - I don't feel sorry for Lola in the least. The way she spoke to that woman tonight was totally rude and out of order. Social workers take stock of that sort of behaviour. If Lola reacts this way to authority, how do you think she's going to raise Lexie? She'll be some mouthy little chav, lifting anything that isn't tied down by the time she's six, making Tiffany Butcher look like an angel.
I loved the calculating look on Phil's face when he hugged Lola after telling her what had effectively become a white lie (a big one), and I liked even better his less than gentle reminder to her that Phil's house was not Lola's home, coincidentally when he took Lexie from her in order that he, Phil, could give the child her bath.
I think the penny dropped just then for poor pitiful Lola. Such a sympathetic figure. Not. And played by such a convincing actress. Double not.
The rest of the episode was pretty shitty, the worst bits being the contrived scenes between Joey and Lauren and Poppy and Fatboy.
The lesser of two evils first - Poppy and Fatboy.
I like Poppy, especially when Rachel Bright isn't doing The Only Way Is Essex routine. If I remember correctly, Poppy is supposed to be Jewish. Didn't Darren and Jodie attend her brother's bar mitzvah shortly after the babyswap? And I thought her parents were supposed to be pretty swank. Yet, here she is, slogging out three days a week at a salon whose owner is never there to oversee events, and living with the owner's mother in a house where the registered renter doesn't even know she's living. Go figure.
Poppy likes Fatboy. That's obvious. So we get the incidental Sylvia to make Poppy show us her real feelings via a look. But, fucking Lordy, that scene in the salon was amateurish, butt-clinchingly cringeworthy and wouldn't even pass muster on what I reckon to be the worst of the US soaps, The Young and the Restless ...
Still, this tripe is still going after 30 years, so I guess it's part of the universal dumbing-down of society that's prevalent today. At least, it's famous for giving the world David Hasselhof, who was, I can tell you, the Joey of his day ...
Don't believe me? Take a look, ca 1972 ...
David Witts is one of a long line of beefcake planks, the prototype of which was the 'Hoff, whose name in The Young and The Restless was, believe it or not, Snapper.
As if anyone, left in charge of a business like a beauty salon, and with customers present, would stop everything and give a lesson in pulling a bird to a socially gauche person. I'm surprised the few people present in the background didn't walk out the door. No wonder the place is sucking badly - with that and with Billy Mitchell wanting to train as a masseur ... only for blokes, mind you.
So we know that Poppy really likes Fatboy and that, deep down, he probably really likes her too - that was what the ambiguous dialogue in the rehearsal scene was all about - stock shit from a bad romcom. The ironic thing was that, two weeks ago, Denise was the love of Arthur's life. He was genuinely touched by her, and as a couple, they worked. The problem is that this is a production staff and a writing room afraid to take a risk unless it's sensational.
Onto the fecal pile.
Lauren is a gurner and Joey is a turd. I am sorry, but I don't think David Witts is handsome. He reminds me of a cross between a duck and Richard Nixon.
Except both Donald and Dick could keep their mouths shut and breathe through their noses. I especially dislike his awful and unintelligible diction and the contrived gravelly voice he uses with the phoney Cockney accent.
Jossa had one good week a year ago, and since then, she's been phoning her lines in. She's obviously believing in her own hype, but she is one of the worst actresses I've ever seen on the show. She gurns constantly - never moreso than tonight, and the way she thrusts her lips forward into the camera all the time (has she had collagen treatments at twenty? I swear her upper lip gets thicker every time I see her on camera). Her delivery is way off - as if anyone would speak like that in real life.
If this were a methinks-they-doth-protest-too-much lateral family love denial, it was pisspoor. It reminded me more of two middle school kids with crushes on each other who deny it to save face in front of their friends. These two haven't had a meaningful conversation that amounted to more than small talk or foolishness in their lives. Obviously, tonight's conversation with Madam protesting that she wasn't lonely and confessing that she uses the day to sketch people is meant to convey to us that Lauren is really one hot sensitive and misunderstood babe.
Bullshit.
The remark she made about the only way she'd ever be £30k in debt was if she spent the dosh on shallow things instead of an education and that she was perfectly happy lazing about the house with a full drinks' cabinet summed her up entirely. The fact that Joey suddenly was made to seem interested in her social welfare whilst looking for a place to stay was also meant to convey depth (or "depf") to the viewer.
In the end, it didn't work, because both of the actors were so bad, and both of their characters are so totally unlikeable. Lauren showing Joey her drawings (that old cliche) and having some she'd drawn of him accidentally on purpose drop onto the floor as the catalyst for them to give vent to their "passion" was totally trite, totally predictable, not in the least creative or original and just fucking pukeworthy.
Message to the writers: You know, it helps if the general viewing public actually like and can emotionally invest in characters that are supposed to be positive. That Derek, as pejorative as he is, seemed to know that Joey would try to cream Lauren's knickers says a lot about Joey's character. People have remarked about how Derek leers and seems to have an unnaturally incestuous interest in Carol, and here we have Turd, son of Toad, lusting after his manky cousin. Yes, this is legal, but the bloodlines are close, and I was just reading an article today about studies in birth defects amongst first cousins who marry - but again, EastEnders would shy away from depicting such a story should Loey result in a pregnancy. That would be too realistic for their delicate fantasies of rainbows and fireworks in the lovemaking department.
No one likes Joey and no one likes Lauren, save the shallow lowest common denominator of yoof viewer and the usual shippers. And the actors who portray them suck pretty badly also.
Onto the man in drag.
It's amazing what you can find on the Internet these days. Armed only with a name, Libby Fox managed to find Lucas Johnson in less than an hour. Max found Jackie Bosch for Derek, and Tanya, who isn't the brightest lightbulb in the pack, took an entire night to find Ava Hartman, when in reality, neither she nor Cora the drunk would even know Ava's name at all.
And, whoop-ti-doo, Ava only lives 18 minutes away, and is a deputy head teacher. That means an educated, well-spoken professional, and for EastEnders, that means ...
Yep, think Mad May ... think Stella ... think Yusef. Maybe Ava kills Derek. Maybe Ava kills Tanya. Maybe that's where Tanya and Lauren got their propensity to attempt murder. After all, Ava is a mysterious stranger.
Ne'mind, because Tanya barges around, as fast as her fat arse and thick ankles can take her, to Cora's house. Tanya understands Cora's behaviour having to do with Ava's birthday, but were I Tanya, I'd ask why Cora didn't act out like this every year, because last year, the week before she knew about Tanya's cancer, Cora was happy as a pig in mud, getting drunk with Patrick and snooping through Rose's post with Dot. Nary a thought about Ava, who was nary a thought in some writer's or storyliner's mind until Jo Joyner announced she was leaving.
Yessir, folks, Ava is a plot device, and Tanya is an interfering, hypocritical bitch.
And Cora, I'm sorry, looks like a man in drag.
Those awful false eyelashes.
Of course, Cora does what she always does ... drink. Just like Tanya. Just like Lauren. Generation to generation.
And for the record, Cora is no matriarch. Cora is just a drunken old lag. Big Mo is more of a matriarch than she is. Cora makes me realise how much I miss Pat and Peggy.
And finally, Max and Derek.
This is why the Brannings are losers. They always get in over their heads and get caught out. Even Jack got caught being a bent policeman and was drummed out of the force, after causing his daughter's disablement. He knocks up two sisters and their cousin, and should be on his knees giving thanks that the CSA is no more.
Derek and Max have obviously gotten in over their heads. The way Derek emphasized the word "fraud" in his badgering of Max in front of Joey and Lauren leads me to believe that Max was part of some sort of scam that got wrong. I believe it had to do with the sex trade, I still believe that a woman is involved. If you think back to Max's re-appearance last year, Derek made some allusion to the Lithuanian mafia (Eastern European gangs specialise in credit card fraud and also the sex trade) and there was that woman in the back of the car, whom they sent back to Walthamstow. Also, if you recall, Max pulled out a humongous wedge of money when he arrived, and now, he can't raise £1000? He's a car dealer and doesn't have access to one grand? Like Syed couldn't raise five hundred quid to pay customs?
And here's ultimately why the Brannings are losers ... to whom does Max run for help in raising money to make a payment to his mysterious debtmasters?
Phil Mitchell.
If Lorraine Newman can't see what's wrong with this show in the tripe she served up tonight, maybe it's time we got someone who really understands the show - like Tony Jordan or Tony McHale.
By the way, Jake Wood coins it as the voice of the Geico Gekko for GEICO Insurance in the US. He actually looks like the Gekko he voices.
Probably pays as much as EastEnders does.
Could only stomach the first minute of the Young and the Breastless. I was impressed with David Hassolhoff, for about the first 40 secs, then the mouth hanging open thing started. And continued until I had to switch it off! Yes, I liked him in Knight Rider, but then I was young(ish), and preferred the car anyway!
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