Before Cora was a drunk, she was Granny Goodwitch, and Patrick was a sugar bear.
What the hell is EastEnders trying to prove? How bloody awful it can get? If it's trying to hit rock bottom, hoping to rise like a phoenix from the flames of its destruction (or the flames from LipGirl and Turdhopper crashing Derek's car into a storefront next month), it's hoping for a lot. I guess they're hoping hope floats ... like shit.
Which is pretty much what this episode was, because anything the increasingly cancerous Brannings inhabit is one big, rank, steaming pile of hot turds, and this was one of those episodes where they spread their tentacles across almost everything and everyone. I was half expecting the despondent Derek to turn up, weeping, at Masood's Eid feast.
This episode had to be a first, however. We actually had a scene with three certifiable alcoholics, one representing each generation, present and accounted for - Cora, Tanya and Lauren.
What a desperate old piss artist Cora is, and now we see where Tanya gets her victim attitude and her penchant for casting blame on someone other than herself. Cora is not only a thankless old drunken lag, she is also an abysmal mother, a liar and certainly not deserving of the matriarchal status certain low-information viewers and various of TPTB want her to attain.
She's pissed off so she gets pissed and blames Rainie, who's actually taken control of her life by joining AA and getting sober. One thing Alcoholics Anonymous teaches is getting the recovering alcoholic to remove himself or herself from the source that triggers their downward-spiral behaviour. Cora's behaviour and Tanya's attitude made Rainie drank - Tanya, playing Middle Class Lady Bountiful throwing crumbs from her laden table to Rainie and expecting gratitude, whilst Cora encouraged Rainie's excesses, knowing that they would inevitably cause trouble, in order for her to clear up the mess and tell Rainie how awful she was.
I remember two things about Rainie's sojourn before when Cora was present - the scene where they'd found that Greg had sold the house over their heads to Janine, when Cora encouraged Rainie to get drunk and paint graffiti all over Janine's walls, and Rainie's last episode, where Cora read her the riot act in the wake of Tanya's cancer cold about how Rainie always made everything about her, when we've all seen that it's Tanya who's got to be the showpiece. And lest we forget, it was Tanya who led Rainie to her life of addiction and indulgence. But then, shit wouldn't stick to the fragrant Yummy Mummy, would it?
And so, Cora, after having been told some righteous home truths about her behaviour, instead of acting like the responsible adult and treating that as an epiphany moment worth serious consideration, goes on a binge and ends up hanging out and hung over at Patrick's, and even in the stone cold sober light if day, she lies through her teeth, not only to Patrick but to Tanya and LipGirl about what happened - that her drunkeness was all Rainie's fault - you know how Rainie is - it was Rainie who ripped up the bridesmaid's dress in a fit of drunken jealousy, when it was really Cora who did so in a fit of petulant rage at being told what's what by a daughter who'd moved on and removed herself from the source of the problem. So Cora carries on wallowing in a vat of enormous self-pity and righteous indignation, casting herself as the victim whilst casting aspersions on her daughter's character. What kind of mother, what kind of matriarch does that?
Oh, for the days of Pat Evans!
Now ... did everybody enjoy the teenage angst saga? Apart from the widdle kiddies sharing one brain cell, no one else did. The Whitney-Lucy-Lauren-Lusting-after-a-piece-of-shit Joey storyline is one of the most abysmal ones in the history of the programme.
I'm inclined to agree with Walford Web Kindergarten's resident Janus, Nebraska, in that Lauren has surpassed Tanya's level of extreme unlikeability. She is shallow, selfish, self-obsessed and as amoral as her collective dysfunctional family. In Thursday's episode, she referred to Lucy's dad as having "gone bonkers," when Lauren and the viewers want to remember that Lauren, herself, tried to kill her father, that her own mother tried to kill him in the most horrific way, yet to Lauren, Ian Beale is "bonkers."
These three are arguably the three worst ingenues to ever appear on EastEnders. Whitney (and is it me or is Shona McGarty getting fat?) is simply disgusting - as disgusting as Lucy, both showing concern about some beefed-up dickbrain who doesn't give a rat's ass about either of them. Lucy provided a roof, rent-free, and sex on a plate. Whitney wants a piece of the action, and Lauren wants Whitney to back off and Lucy to dump Turdhopper so she can sample a little incest with an inbred.
As for Joey the Turd, I am sorry, but please, can someone, someplace in EastEnders' management not renew David Witts's contract? He should be an lesson to anyone tempted to hire someone simply on the basis of looks with no previous acting experience or ability. Not only was tonight's storyline embarrassing in its utter awfulness, it was made worse by Witts's inability to act at all. The writing was amateurish, the acting level even worse. His bleating in the park reminded me of this sound ...
I really think his every scene should be prefaced by this warning ...
As for Jacqueline Jossa, as I'm certain that the part of Lauren has been built around her totally amazingly self-centred personality, I seriousy think she should stop trying to look like Jennifer Lawrence in the futile hope that someone will think she is as talented as Lawrence. More specifically, she should stop taking off Lawrence's look when she portrayed Katniss in Hunger Games. Jossa should ever be so lucky as to have that talent. And she should wash her greasy hair.
I'm waiting for the storyline where Lucy, Lauren, Whitney, and Tyler all end up with an STD, caught from Joey. If there were a tragedy to befall Walford tomorrow and this quintet were obliterted, I wouldn't grieve.
By the way, how fucking stupid is Joey? He was carrying around an expensive Smartphone in his pocket and didn't think to use it to call someone - like Max - to tell them what had happened and why he hadn't returned to work?
What the hell is EastEnders trying to prove? How bloody awful it can get? If it's trying to hit rock bottom, hoping to rise like a phoenix from the flames of its destruction (or the flames from LipGirl and Turdhopper crashing Derek's car into a storefront next month), it's hoping for a lot. I guess they're hoping hope floats ... like shit.
Which is pretty much what this episode was, because anything the increasingly cancerous Brannings inhabit is one big, rank, steaming pile of hot turds, and this was one of those episodes where they spread their tentacles across almost everything and everyone. I was half expecting the despondent Derek to turn up, weeping, at Masood's Eid feast.
This episode had to be a first, however. We actually had a scene with three certifiable alcoholics, one representing each generation, present and accounted for - Cora, Tanya and Lauren.
What a desperate old piss artist Cora is, and now we see where Tanya gets her victim attitude and her penchant for casting blame on someone other than herself. Cora is not only a thankless old drunken lag, she is also an abysmal mother, a liar and certainly not deserving of the matriarchal status certain low-information viewers and various of TPTB want her to attain.
She's pissed off so she gets pissed and blames Rainie, who's actually taken control of her life by joining AA and getting sober. One thing Alcoholics Anonymous teaches is getting the recovering alcoholic to remove himself or herself from the source that triggers their downward-spiral behaviour. Cora's behaviour and Tanya's attitude made Rainie drank - Tanya, playing Middle Class Lady Bountiful throwing crumbs from her laden table to Rainie and expecting gratitude, whilst Cora encouraged Rainie's excesses, knowing that they would inevitably cause trouble, in order for her to clear up the mess and tell Rainie how awful she was.
I remember two things about Rainie's sojourn before when Cora was present - the scene where they'd found that Greg had sold the house over their heads to Janine, when Cora encouraged Rainie to get drunk and paint graffiti all over Janine's walls, and Rainie's last episode, where Cora read her the riot act in the wake of Tanya's cancer cold about how Rainie always made everything about her, when we've all seen that it's Tanya who's got to be the showpiece. And lest we forget, it was Tanya who led Rainie to her life of addiction and indulgence. But then, shit wouldn't stick to the fragrant Yummy Mummy, would it?
And so, Cora, after having been told some righteous home truths about her behaviour, instead of acting like the responsible adult and treating that as an epiphany moment worth serious consideration, goes on a binge and ends up hanging out and hung over at Patrick's, and even in the stone cold sober light if day, she lies through her teeth, not only to Patrick but to Tanya and LipGirl about what happened - that her drunkeness was all Rainie's fault - you know how Rainie is - it was Rainie who ripped up the bridesmaid's dress in a fit of drunken jealousy, when it was really Cora who did so in a fit of petulant rage at being told what's what by a daughter who'd moved on and removed herself from the source of the problem. So Cora carries on wallowing in a vat of enormous self-pity and righteous indignation, casting herself as the victim whilst casting aspersions on her daughter's character. What kind of mother, what kind of matriarch does that?
Oh, for the days of Pat Evans!
Now ... did everybody enjoy the teenage angst saga? Apart from the widdle kiddies sharing one brain cell, no one else did. The Whitney-Lucy-Lauren-Lusting-after
I'm inclined to agree with Walford Web Kindergarten's resident Janus, Nebraska, in that Lauren has surpassed Tanya's level of extreme unlikeability. She is shallow, selfish, self-obsessed and as amoral as her collective dysfunctional family. In Thursday's episode, she referred to Lucy's dad as having "gone bonkers," when Lauren and the viewers want to remember that Lauren, herself, tried to kill her father, that her own mother tried to kill him in the most horrific way, yet to Lauren, Ian Beale is "bonkers."
These three are arguably the three worst ingenues to ever appear on EastEnders. Whitney (and is it me or is Shona McGarty getting fat?) is simply disgusting - as disgusting as Lucy, both showing concern about some beefed-up dickbrain who doesn't give a rat's ass about either of them. Lucy provided a roof, rent-free, and sex on a plate. Whitney wants a piece of the action, and Lauren wants Whitney to back off and Lucy to dump Turdhopper so she can sample a little incest with an inbred.
As for Joey the Turd, I am sorry, but please, can someone, someplace in EastEnders' management not renew David Witts's contract? He should be an lesson to anyone tempted to hire someone simply on the basis of looks with no previous acting experience or ability. Not only was tonight's storyline embarrassing in its utter awfulness, it was made worse by Witts's inability to act at all. The writing was amateurish, the acting level even worse. His bleating in the park reminded me of this sound ...
I really think his every scene should be prefaced by this warning ...
As for Jacqueline Jossa, as I'm certain that the part of Lauren has been built around her totally amazingly self-centred personality, I seriousy think she should stop trying to look like Jennifer Lawrence in the futile hope that someone will think she is as talented as Lawrence. More specifically, she should stop taking off Lawrence's look when she portrayed Katniss in Hunger Games. Jossa should ever be so lucky as to have that talent. And she should wash her greasy hair.
I'm waiting for the storyline where Lucy, Lauren, Whitney, and Tyler all end up with an STD, caught from Joey. If there were a tragedy to befall Walford tomorrow and this quintet were obliterted, I wouldn't grieve.
By the way, how fucking stupid is Joey? He was carrying around an expensive Smartphone in his pocket and didn't think to use it to call someone - like Max - to tell them what had happened and why he hadn't returned to work?
What's Found Inside Joey's Head - Shit for Brains
Even worse than all of this was TPTB's obvious last-ditch effort to make the viewer feel sorry for Dewek. Dewek wanted so, so badly to be Max's best man; and Max really didn't promise him, he just said he was the best man, not the Best Man.
Instead, we find out that Jack has been chosen for that honour. Why? Well, according to Max, Jack was the natural choice because, well, because Dewek was banged up inside for all those years and Jack was - Max's words - always there.
Yep, that's right. Jack was always there - stealing old Jim's dad's war medals and blaming the theft on Max, moving in with Max's wife and planning on taking her and Max's kids to France, agreeing with Max's murderous wife that she didn't really go far enough in rescuing him from her attempt to bury him alive ... yeah, Jack was always there.
And all that was followed by the maudlin attempt to evoke a pity party for Dewek as he tearfully read his best man's speech to the assembled portraiture of Jack and Max on display. I miss that house being filled with pictures of Ricky, Diane, Janine and various Butchers. It's an absolute disgrace that Brannings should be living in a house that Janine Butcher owns. I hope she hammers their asses for rent.
And, by the way, for the clever clogs who can't do the maths on the Branning siblings' ages due to Dewek being nine when Max was born, it works out. Max is forty-three, Derek is fifty-two. Carol is fifty (not sixty-two as some dumbass on Digital Spy reckons). As she was fourteen when Bianca was born, this means, rightly, that Bianca is thirty-six. Pay attention to the latest Branning retcon.
I agree with someone on Digital Spy who remarked the other day how much they enjoy Sharon's interaction with Phil as opposed to her hanging off Jack Branning's lips, which is all she ever seems to do in her capacity as Branning support player. Even in scenes where she was with Jack whilst Phil was there (like tonight in the pub), it was so obvious that her affinity with Jack is totally forced.
My take?
She's attracted to Phil. Phil is a constant in Sharon's life. He's someone who's always come up trumps for her at her lowest point. And she's always been drawn to the Mitchells, even when she was married to Saint Dennis the Murderer, she trusted Phil with certain knowledge that she wouldn't dare entrust to Dennis. It was Phil and Grant who convinced Sharon that Chrissie was Den's murderer; she never once listened to Dennis's suspicions. And it was to Phil whom Sharon turned this last time when her life was in a mess. This shit with Jack - this SHACK - is Sharon's efforts trying to move on and show her independence from Phil. She reads Phil like a book and he does the same with her.
Consider her reaction when she sussed tonight that Phil had rung her from "Ben's" phone. Sharon was mildly annoyed - her reaction was the typical world-weary reaction of a wife whose husband tried to pull one over on her. Had that been Tanya reacting to Max or Zainab to Masood, there would have been hell to pay, but Sharon took it in her stride.
And Phil knew exactly what he was doing when he told Jimmy to put Sharon down on the application form as his fiancee, with the foreshadowing remark that they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. Of course, they will. Phil knows that Sharon could never ever be associated with a lightweight, dysfuncitonal bent copper piece of white trash like Jack Branning. And Sharon knows that he knows.
Watch this space, and please, don't cry for Jack the victim. Maybe this will spur him onto visit his son - you know, Phil's nephew, Richard? If Sharon had stayed married to Grant or if she marries Phil, she'll be Richard's aunt.
I loved that last scene more than any tonight. Oh, and Jimmy the Brief would be a welcome addition to the permanent cast. He's the right age group and a quirky character - the irony of him being the family settlement brief in Ritchie Scott's firm, having had a marital break-up, himself, wasn't lost.
Finally, the Masoods. Earlier this week, it was a Star Warsfest. Tonight it was all about Kevin Costner and Field of Dreams. If you build it, they will come - the gist being, if Masood fixed a feast for Eid, Syed would find his way home. And so he did. And Syed, who - as Mas pointed out - bankrupted his family, is forgiven yet again, and Syed never once apologised.
Once again, Mas is de-balled.
Final Thought: What a welcome sight seeing Ian again tonight, and he's clearly not well. Learning that Ben had a son unsettled him, moreso because it brought him closer to Phil Mitchell's world and reminded him how closely Ben was linked to that world.
Still, I don't like the way Lucy barks orders at him, and although he's clearly not up to helping to care for his new niece, he's been deputising as Sharon's au pair whilst she frolicked with Jack the Peg for the past few weeks.
Update: Someone whom I won't mention on Digital Spy witters on and on about Phil's obsession with Sharon being about control, just like all Phil's relationships ... big epic wrong.
Phil has only ever respected one woman in his life, and that's Sharon. Sharon is, actually, his equal - certainly not Shirley, whom he didn't respect at all and none of the aforementioned Mrs Mitchells. The only other woman with whom he had comparable respect was Pat. With Sharon, it's respect mingled with love; and Sharon trusts Phil. It's Phil to whom she always turns. They're playing each other at the moment, with Jack Branning as the tool, which is pretty apt and pretty amusing.
Final Thought: What a welcome sight seeing Ian again tonight, and he's clearly not well. Learning that Ben had a son unsettled him, moreso because it brought him closer to Phil Mitchell's world and reminded him how closely Ben was linked to that world.
Still, I don't like the way Lucy barks orders at him, and although he's clearly not up to helping to care for his new niece, he's been deputising as Sharon's au pair whilst she frolicked with Jack the Peg for the past few weeks.
Update: Someone whom I won't mention on Digital Spy witters on and on about Phil's obsession with Sharon being about control, just like all Phil's relationships ... big epic wrong.
Phil has only ever respected one woman in his life, and that's Sharon. Sharon is, actually, his equal - certainly not Shirley, whom he didn't respect at all and none of the aforementioned Mrs Mitchells. The only other woman with whom he had comparable respect was Pat. With Sharon, it's respect mingled with love; and Sharon trusts Phil. It's Phil to whom she always turns. They're playing each other at the moment, with Jack Branning as the tool, which is pretty apt and pretty amusing.
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