White Trash Walford

Your starter for one... Does this song remind you of any particular BBC programme and its state of affairs at the moment?

Maybe now that John Yorke has left the building, whoever takes over his position will temporarily use this as the EastEnders - pardon me - BranningVille theme song, although it can apply to other characters as well (Yes, Lola, I'm looking at you). Seriously, now that Yorke is going, do you think this means Lorraine Newman will get her balls back in a box and she'll be able to dispense with some of the worst deadwood in the history of the show, who have grown to think they are entitled to a job for life or something. Could it mean Katshit being cleared from the litter tray otherwise known as the Vic? Could it meaned Jack might be pruned and put out to pasture? Could Bianca's wide mouth be silenced? Could Joey the turd be flushed back to his normal habitat? Could Whitney find work at Bensons for Beds?

Who knows?

Revelations abounded in tonight's episode, at least we had a few home truths revealed about three generations of pikey white trash drunken sluts Branning women and how they really are in need of emergency surgery to remove their heads shoved firmly up their arses.

Boring Revelation Number 1: Tanya

Well, it's all about Tanya and Tanya's wedding, isn't it? Tanya is in competition with Zainab at the moment, to see who can marry the same man the most times and make each wedding more elaborate than the last. Tanya is the original self-perpetuating virgin. At each wedding, the dress gets whiter, and she probably spends weeks before the ceremony, sewing her mangled hymen back together to prove her purity and justify her rebirth as a pure and fragrant English rose from Middle England. You always got the feeling that Tanya was someone who was outwardly very clean and prim and proper, but who really didn't changer her knickers for three days. Another observation: with every wedding, her arse gets bigger.

Tanya wants another big wedding. Tanya wants her formerly older-now younger junkie/alcoholic sister to be a bridesmaid, more to shove the fact up Rainie's arse that Tanya's scored big yet again when Rainie never could. Rainie, struggling, at Tanya's wedding would make Tanya feel good about Tanya. She'd convey the message to various guests of the nice, loving and understanding sister of that pitiful alcoholic, who - nevertheless - loved her flawed sister - much the same way Tanya courted Jane's friendship to make herself feel better. Tanya never does anything for anyone else as much as she does for  herself.

Boring Boring Boring Revelation Number 2: Lauren the LipGirl

Dang! I just figured our why TPTB have changed Lauren the LipGirl's hairstyle away from that annoying fringe. It's to capitalise on a passing resemblance to a better actress.

OK, remember the awful Scarlett Johnson who played the equally awful Vicky Fowler? Who was the up-and-coming ingenue in Hollywood during Johnson's tenure? Think Scarlett Johansson. (Capitalising on a name similarity).

OK, at the moment, the hottest new ingenue on the scene Stateside is Jennifer Lawrence, who played Katniss in The Hunger Games. Here are some picture\ of Lawrence:-

Remind you of anyone? Here's a hint ...

Of course, the make-up is more garing and cheaply applied and the hair is dirtier, but you get the drift. Jacqueline Jossa is a poor man's Jennifer Lawrence, with one smidgeon of the talent Lawrence has.

Anyway, there are two Jackie-style stories for the older teens, the younger teens and lamebrains like vald. The first should be called The Boring Mystery of the Kiss, wherein we lern that three best friends and slappers are curiously attracted to a Show Room Dummy. (Cue Joey Branning's theme song):-

(Psst ... I think Joey is really Wolfgang).

Lauren the LipGirl is bullying poor Whitney the Walford Mattress into doing the right thing by telling poor walking skeleton stick insect Lucy Beale that Joey the Turd actually kissed her. Boy, that silent scene when Lauren left Whitney to confess to Lucy on the steps of the chippie will go down as a drama classic for EastEnders. Not. Pukeworthy. Even more pukeworthy was Lucy (one half of the mouth-breathers in Walford) giving vent to tears over Joey. Even more pukeworthy was Whitney admitting to Lauren that she couldn't really stop thinking about Joey the Turd after that kiss and whilst sleeping with Tyler - which proves my point that the seldom-seen Tyler has now become the ubiquitous "dependable bloke" and Turdhopper has become the inevitable bad boy. Even more pukeworthy is the fact that the viewers know that Lauren the LipSucker is horny for Turdhopper, herself, even though this is incest - but then inbreds like a little incest ...

If anything, tonight's episode gave us arguably one of the worst scenes of the year and a masterclass, not only in smell-the-fart acting, but also smell-the-fart-inarticulace acting, courtesy of that noted thespian David Witts. The scene in the chippy where he started garbling his complaints about having to read sales' manuals, only to be told off by three girls who were, in their own way, every bit the asshole that he was and is. That degenerated into a peculiarly Derek-like defence of his actions with Whitney, which very few people could understand, so bloody bad is Witts's diction and delivery.

Prior to the advent of Witts and Tony Discipline, Liam Bergin had the dubious distinction of being the worst actor ever to tread the boards on EastEnders, and he was also hired for looks; but you could understand what he was saying and David Witts makes Bergin look like Lawrence Fucking Olivier. The only thing I understood from Joey's soliloquy was that he viewed Lucy as a "twenty-second relationship". Maybe he'd heard what a mattress Whitney was, or maybe he just fancied a cushion for the pushin' instead of banging a bag of bones.Who knows and who the fuck cares? Every one of these young people not only portray directionless, unlikeable characters, but I have the distinct impression that they are actually portraying themselves in real life and the character has been designed around the actor. Either way, none of them has any real talent, and - please - for the last time, could SOMEONE on production staff send David Witts to Harley Street and get his fucking adenoid problem sorted out. Originally, I thought he hung his mouth open because he thought an open-mouth pout was genuinely sexy, but now I'm certain he is incapable of shutting his mouth to breathe. It's singularly unattractive and gross.

Kudos, however, to Whitney for reminding Lauren the LipSucker that she slept with Darren the  night before his would-be wedding and, therefore, has no right to take the moral high ground. Lauren, however, is her mother's daughter and hypocrisy is in her genes.

Boring Boring Boring Boring Revelation Number 3: Baby Huey Loves Damon Albarn

Abi Branning

Jabi has run its course to the extent that it's now running around in circles. Jay's gone from encouraging Abi in her studies to encouraging her to skive off school and go bowling with him. Bowling costs money, and - as Jay said tonight - he's unemployed and living on Patrick's charity at the B and B. Who's paying for the day's bowling?

This couple bores me, because they're much of the same old same old. Abi still looks like she's twelve years old. She may be sixteen, but she hasn't lost any of her baby fat, her face hasn't matured and all the peroxide in China and all the make-up and false eyelashes won't remedy this. She even sounds like a child when she talks - even moreso than the insipid Alice.

They will go round and round in circles with Lola and her sprog hovering on the edge until Jay finally sleeps with Lola. Or Abi. Or both of them. And one or both or maybe, in a first, all three will get pregnant.

Of course, the let-down in this storyline was that as soon as Jay found out that the murder charges against Ben had been dropped in favour of manslaughter, he was quick off the mark to get back with Phil ASAP, considering the fact that he now no longer had to testify against Ben. So this means that Jay really isn't as noble as everyone thought. He still wants the crumbs from the Mitchells' table. He is as craven a doormat as Shirley. And what has happened to the charges against Jay, himself? Ben may not be getting a trial, but Jay still perverted the course of justice and was charged with the same. Surely, he's due some sort of sentence? 

As well, Phil kept wittering, and Jay did too, about Ben possibly being free in a year's time. Pardon me, but manslaughter is a serious crime, and Ben had a criminal record to begin with. Surely, he would be expected to serve more than one year? Chrissie Watts confessed to murder and was looking at a twelve-year stretch. The fact that Ben would only serve a year for Heather's death is not only factually incorrect, but also insulting to Heather the character; but I suppose as Chryed are leaving, there's room for Ben to return (possibly re-headed) as the only gay in the village, and a Mitchell gay at that.

Either way, Abi is boring and Jay is a major disappointment.

Boring Boring Boring Boring Boring Revelation Number 4: Tell Us Something We Don't Know - Cora Is a Drunk

Cora wants Rainie back, not because she's worried about her daughter, but because Yummy Mummy Saint Tanya of the Fat Arse wants, demands Rainie pay homage to the self-perpetuating virginal bride by being a bridesmaid at her own wedding.

Cora knows best. So she's engaged Jack, who's also slept with Rainie when both of them were the worse for wear, to track her down; and Jack the Peg comes up trumps, as he always does, with Rainie's cellphone number.

Now, here's the odd thing: Cora got the number that morning and rang immediately, left a voicemail and promptly got a text from Rainie. Off she trots to do a guilt trip, with the bridesmaid's dress, snookers Patrick into driving her to the appointed rendezvous place, wittering all the way. Patrick, who's far wiser and deserves much better in his life than that opinionated old lag Cora, tells her to tread easy, but Cora knows best. "Blunt" is the only way which works with Rainie.

Now here's the rub - in the space of a couple of hours, since receiving Cora's message, Rainie's had time to contact her AA sponsor and write what appeared to be a very lengthy letter, spelling out more than a few home truths to Cora about her own behaviour and the part Cora's behaviour played in  feeding Rainie's addiction. Actually, the scenes in that pub with the AA sponsor were probably amongst the best in the programme, because it showed what Cora is in the cold light of day, especially since she had to devour the contents of Rainie's letter to the tune of three Bloody Marys - and early in the day.

The gist of Rainie's letter, that whilst she was pleased Tanya was getting married, she couldn't attend the wedding because Cora's behaviour fed Rainie's addiction (and probably Tanya's did also). Like some ex-smokers find it difficult to be around the stuff, many recovering alcoholics, especially in the early stages, find it difficult to be around other people with unrecognised drink problems. Cora encourages bad behaviour. She encouraged Rainie to drink before, until she was left picking up the mess, always reinforced her low self-esteem by bigging up Tanya, the adulterous, marriage-wrecking daughter who'd bagged a white collar, and always telling Rainie that she drank for selfish reasons.

I can actually understand Rainie's addiction far better than I can the drink dependencies of Cora, Tanya and Lauren. If I had a family like that, I'd probably drink myself blind also. The AA woman pushed those home truths in Cora's face,and how did she react? Much the way Tanya did when Cora read the riot act to her a few months back - she threw a hissy fit, tore up the letter and binned the bridesmaid's dress. Oh, and it was very significant that when she left that pub with the AA sponsor, Cora was rat-arsed - and Rainie had been sober 41 days. Good for Rainie - she's recognised the source of her problem and removed herself from it.

Anyone thinking Cora is matriarch material needs their one braincell reinforce. Yes, vaslav37, that's you. Now STFU about Cora being landlady at the Vic. You can see why now, can't you?

Other Things

The absolute best thing about tonight's episode was the interplay between Sharon and Phil. Even though she'd refused to help with his scheme, their interaction and banter was brilliant, natural and immensely charismatic. Phil is desperate for a family, not just so he can retain custody of Lexie, I think he craves a closeness to Sharon because she's the one familiar thing from his distant past that's really a constant. And Sharon is warming to Phil - her dialogue with him is so natural - none of this Miss-Piggy-Meets-a-Bad-Marilyn-Monroe impersonation she gives whenever she's around Jack the Peg - and thank goodness that scene was mercifully short tonight.

As for the Phil-Billy-Lola set-up, I want to scream. First of all, Lola's lost custody of her child because of her behaviour. She's been tagged for criminal activity and now she's on bail for ABH. To the authorities, this is someone who's totally undisciplined and who has anger management issues. She is also very young. I know that the Social Worker her is po-faced and unlikeable. (Really, who is there to like in EastEnders?) But there would be some concern for Lexie's safety when you take Lola's temperament etc into account.

It's hypocritical, really for her to say she doesn't want her child around "Ben the Murderer." What she's really saying is that she wants Jay to be the babydaddy. Maybe she'll get her wish.

As for Billy's soliloquy about him, Lola and Lexie having a bond and being a family ... FFS, Billy has William and Janet, whom he rarely sees. Surely, he must be providing at least some sort of financial sustenance for them. It's the law, and a few years ago, Honey petitiioned him for more money in support. It's ridiculous that he should be considering Lola, someone he didn't know existed until a year ago, his total concern and neglecting his children. The only reason she gets on with him so well is that he basically let her do what she wanted, afraid to instil discipline and responsibility into her for fear she'd run off. I don't blame Honey. I wouldn't want my children associating with a vicious little chav like Lola at all. Billy should be ashamed.

Chryed ... they are so full of themselves. So Syed thinks a big dinner for Masood will make all the difference in the world. He really thinks that what he's done is no big deal. Still, Danny's thinking of him.

Derek ... what's the bloody point?