Pikeys and Inbreds, Victims and Bimbos - Review 22.10.2012

Lauren Branning after She Inhaled her Upper Lip

Joey Branning before the Green Room

Whitney Dean, Walford Mattress, Complete with Bedbugs

Let's get the good bit out of the way, because there was precious little good about this episode, and I think we know why. It's enough that they've been out of our face for a week, so now EastEnders has to remind us that we all just love the Brannings of Branningville, that assorted group of jumped up poor white trash aspiring to middle class and trying desperately to mask the fact that they are just a scrubbed-up bunch of pikeys and inbreds, with a hint of victimhood and a generous dash of bimbo juice.

The Masoods were watchable tonight, especially in the wake of the (temporary) departure of one of the matron saints of victimhood, Saint Zainab the Pure. From the looks of things in the opening scene, Mas (who seems to be working this week as a teaching assistant ... go figure), AJ and Tamwar have, basically, been living like pigs.

Why is it these prim and proper middle class boys and gels who write for EastEnders and hail from the leafy suburbs of the Home Counties or Hampstead Heath assume that whenever a bevy of guys live together for the shortest duration of time, the place descends into chaos to such an extent that someone is bound to pick up a piece of pizza from the floor - a piece that's just made contact with his toe - and attempt to eat it? This is not one of those Zach Galafianikis bloke films, and it's not funny.

So, after the departure of Saint Zainab the Pure, Tamwar now finds out that, after all these years, his dad and uncle were nothing but a pair of Star War geeks, and Mas "changed" his tastes in order to accommodate Zainab because he loved ... he loves her so much. Well, marriage is a two-way street, and it's a shame that Saint Zainab the Pure never thought about meeting her husband halfway.

I am certain these two will be back together. Again. Why? Because Saint Tanya of the Thick Ankles and Fat Arse, matron saint of attempted murderers and amoral adulteresses, is due to leave Walford BranningVille very shortly, and there's an opening for another yo-yo, co-dependent couple. Currently in the running are Saint Kat the Slutter, matron saint of sluts, and Alfie Moon, and as soon as they get married (again) Saint Zainab the Pure and Mas will become candidates for Resident Co-Dependent Couple as well.

Be it known that all these women are members of the Holy Order of Blameless Victims.

There is, however, one rooster in that henhouse. Brother Syed the Pitiful and his husband Christian have returned from their honeymoon in Paris, albeit brief. Yes, folks, after all that shit that hit the fan, after the foreclosure of his brother's business, after his lies and deceptions were all found out, Chryed still found time and reason to go to Paris. But don't worry, Christian assures Syed, after finding that Saint Zainab the Pure has fled the building, that so totally wasn't Syed's fault. Well, not entirely; a great proportion of it was Zainab's, but Syed has to be blamed as well.

Blasphemy!

The line and, arguably, the scene of the night was Tamwar's po-faced and matter-of-fact explanation to the incredibly thick and self-centred Syed why Zainab left ... basically because Syed lied and cheated. What's so difficult about understanding that? I mean, it's not the first time Syed's lied and cheated and brought down a family business?

By the way, who the hell is looking after Yasmin?

Speaking of weddings, before the shit hit the fan last week, somewhere along the line, Zainab and Mas were sorta kinda planning their own wedding. And Saint Tanya of the Thick Ankles and Fat Arse is planning her latest one as well. Let's see ... this will be Zainab's fourth wedding and Tanya's third, and each one has to be bigger than the previous one. Zainab will have married two different men twice; Tanya will have married one man twice with a bit of variety with another man, on whom she cheated with her ex-husband, whom she's marrying again ... as you do.

This is tacky and evidence of how much Tanya's head is up her arse - which isn't a difficult feat considering her arse is broad enough to allow her room to breath comfortably.

Tanya

The Brannings are easily the most despicable family ever to walk the streets of Walford, and once again, they dominated proceedings today. Once again, they're shitting themselves for Sharon, and it pisses me off to no end, not only to see her become a second-class appendage giving credence to this lot of sensationalist clowns, but also to see Letitia Dean's acting be brought down to the sewer depths the likes of characters like Jack and Tanya impinge upon it.

Sharon's whored herself to Jack Branning for a roof over her head. If Den Watts were around, he'd smack the living shit out of her for doing something like that, with Angie standing in line for her turn as well. I hate the way she simpers and sidles every time she's around this trumped-up piece of wood. Jack is so dumb and thinks he knows Sharon so well, she's living with him, with a small son who would know and his head is so far up his own arse that he doesn't twig it's her birthday.

Jack

Phil's snookering of Jack was priceless, especially with the hint of this being a "significant" birthday. Almost as priceless (and evidence of  her bitchery) was Tanya's and Max's assessment that Sharon might be fifty. And, how,  did Jack, who owns no part of R and R, arrange for a private birthday party for Sharon in the afternoon? Joey the Turd? Hardly. He's bar staff on minimum wage.

It was so embarrassing, and served as a backdrop for the introduction of the shitty Romeo and Juliet forbidden love tripe about Joey the Turd and Lauren the Lip-Inhaler that's supposed to occupy our time and interest us for the rest of the autumn, leading up to Christmas. I mean, what a choice ... Kat's Shaggerman secret or Deliverance turned into a love story.

Look, the Steroid Turd and Lauren are first cousins. That means they share one set of grandparents, which means if they procreate andy sprog will have one set less of great-grandparents than most normal people, which means they are inbred. The Brannings are such poor whites anyway - poor whites who've intermarried and copulated with other poor whites (yes, that means you, Tanya, Stacey and Rainie) - that if they were American, here's what Joey the Turd would sound like serenading Lauren with a song.

You know, I don't give a rat's ass about Lauren's self-appointed career in public relations, because it's all a ploy to get her moseying around her mouth-breathing cousin (further evidence of inbreeding). It's just a plot device to get the lowest common denominator of tweenies - all the girls who think David Witts is cute (puke) and all the weenie boys who think an illiterate pikey from Kent with a criminal heritage is "hot" to go "awwwwwww."  Sorry, I forgot to include vald in that equation, as she likes to be thought of as relevant ...

And speaking of poor white trash, we have the return of Saint Whitney the Self-Perpetuating Virgin, matron saint of mattresses, who is in full martyr victim mode this evening, giving Turdboy the evil eye. Why? Well, cast your mind back a few weeks to where Joey the Turd sneaked a kiss from the infamous Walford Mattress.

The Uncut Version

Even though Whitney remembered that she was supposed to be the innocent victim (after apparently responding to Joey's kiss - and that's not the first time they've kissed, remember the spin the bottle?), she initially gave as good as Turdface got. But Whitney has to be more sinnned against than sinning and come up smelling like a rose from a vat of shit. (Come to think of it, she always looks as though she needs a bath). No matter how hard she tries, you simply can't take the whore out of the girl. Everyone sees this but Bianca, and her scuzzah friends, Lauren and Lucy. But Lucy's so self-absorbed about her bony being and Lauren is so pigshit thick, that they wouldn't notice. And, anyway, if Whitney were so repulsed by what happened, why didn't she tell Lauren and Lucy about it immediately, considering the impropriety and arrogance of Joey's misogynistic remark in its wake?

Nope, she's doing exactly what she did when she was attracted to Tyler and lying around with Fatboy. She made a quick exit tonight to go back to Tyler, who's suddenly become - you guessed it - the dependable bloke.

Finally, another BranningVille saint tonight - Saint Lola the Chav, matron saint of single teenage mothers and anger management. Lola doesn't understand something: that loving your child doesn't necessarily make you a good parent. Dot Branning was never a good mother. Neither was Pat Evans. Tanya and Bianca certainly aren't. No one disputes that these women loved or love their children, but they were and are abysmal disciplinarians. Loving  a child means protecting them, and sometimes protecting them means saying "no" and seeing that they behave appropriately. Lola cannot even behave herself. As Phil pointed out, she's currently on bail for ABH and she has anger management issues. She's also a thief, has attitude issues and  can potentially become bored with childcare and childrearing. The Social Services have every right to be concerned.

Is Phil snookering her? Of course, he is. Lexi is Ben's child, and he is her grandfather. He's also a Mitchell and a Mitchell always wants his or her own. This is also gearing up for a Christmas storyline, which - I think - will be far more interesting than any shit the Brannings have to offer. If nothing else, it gets Phil and Sharon back together and stops her from developing terminal woodrot from associating too closely with Jack Branning.

Foreshadowing line of the night - Phil to Jack: Thanks for keeping my seat warm for me, Jack.