It's Monday night ... It's 8 o'clock ... It's time for ...The Branning Show !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Cue music ...)
Tonight it was all about the Brannings and motherhood and hypocrisy and men who were feeling their overprotective maternal sides and Lola ... and Ben. But then, even now, it's always about Ben ...
Let's look at the usual suspects:-
Lola
Her name is Lola
She is a slapper
With much peroxide in her hair
And a skirt cut up to there
She bedded Benny
For not a penny
She eschewed a bit of rough
And he got her up the duff
She's got the Mitchell heir
Just taken into care
She's a skank and a feckless mother
Do we really care?
Not I - ah, but then I am but a humble cynic, who's watched the show since its beginnings and who now feels she's watching its swansong.
Lola's lost Lexie - through no fault of her own, mind you. She was simply fighting a girl gang in the street. Oh, but that's OK, you see. They were all mouth and no trousers (actually, bad little posh girl actors pretending to be Cockney; and their juvenile leader had the lollipop head of a forty year-old on an adolescent body. Go figure). Anyway, she cracked her baby's namesake one for calling the kid ugly and for bouncing bouncy Abi about etc, so Mouf'n Trousers (by way of Downton Abbey) proved she knew the score and called the Old Bill.
Not only does Lola have that little problem, she's also being pursued by Phil Mitchell, who somehow can't seem to get his head around the fact that a gay man can father a child - Syed, anyone?
Lola gets advice from the current patron saint of matriarchs Cora the ASBO Granny, who's lost a child to Social Services, herself - in a different time and place, mind you - who tells Lola that if this were Cora, she'd be banging the door down at Social Services until she got her child back - something she didn't do, originally, when she was a scant three years older than Lola. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20 vision.
Justapose this bull-in-a-china-shop advice against the actual sane advice of Billy (AKA "Pops" - can we stop this shit right now?) Billy actually cautions Lola that in this instance, they'd better play everything by the book, including crossing all the t's and dotting all the i's for Social Services.
Instead, Lola takes the time-honoured advice of Cora, and gets the result she didn't bargain for getting - Lexie's in care for at least 8 weeks, with 3 supervised weekly visits from Lola and new parenting classes for her. Then the Chav Queen blows her cool and shows a bit of violent behaviour toward the po-faced Social Worker. How not to win friends and influence people.
The meme throughout Lola's trials and tribulations is that Lola is a good muvva. She must be. Such paragons of maternal virtue as Cora and Kat have said she is. Is she patterns her behaviour on Cora, she'll be off clubbing and developing a drinking dependency whilst leaving Lexie to sit with a dying Billy. If she emulates Kat, she'll be dropping her knickers for any old ship that passes in the night.
Oh, and her new BFF, Abi, with the wisdom that goes with adolescence, proclaims Lola a good muvva also.
So that's settled then. It's one thing to love a baby; it's another thing to care properly for her - that means going to a doctor for a nappy rash, instead of stealing bum cream off your wealthy employer. It also means you act responsibly. Mothers aren't supposed to be seen fighting in the streets.
Tanya
The mother of all hypocrites, but I'll say one thing for her - she wants better for Abi than what she has, and that's good. Abi, on the other hand, I suspect, is about to pull another Lauren and drop out of sixth form college - if she's even attended classes at all. Why do I see another Ricky-and-Sam-style elopement on the horizon for her andDamon Albarn Jay?
Tanya mightily offended the righteous wrath of her own devoted (not) mother, but I'll give Cora credit for calling out Tanya's snobbery and hypocrisy to her face, which Tanya failed to see because her head is stuck so far up her fat arse, she can't see the light of day. She even failed to see why criticizing Lola's loss of her child to Social Services would strike a nerve with Cora.
Cora's right: Tanya's totally forgotten the chav roots from whence she came, and she doesn't understand the old East End code of looking after one's one; but then Tanya isn't from Walford, and neither are Denise and Zainab, who broke the hypocrisy code of criticizing Lola when the poor waif appeared in the Minute Mart to belatedly buy baby supplies of which she was always running short and stealing. Zainab was right to call her out on her attitude. She lost Lexie because of her behaviour, just like Ben killed Heather. End of.
Oh, and we're all gearing up for the identity parade of who-kills-Derek suspects. Tonight, it's Tanya's turn - for making Alice look like a reject from TOWIE, which Derek assumes was the reason Alice was mugged.
Cora
Kudos for getting it right with Tanya, but every other way, this interfering old moose got it wrong. Her advice to Lola really worked wonders, didn't it?
As for her advice to Abi, at first I thought she was going to rip that spoiled little bitch a new asshole, for her attitude to Tanya's cack-handed encouragement. Yes, Tanya is a snob, but she sincerely wants Abi to better herself, and I think she fears Abi could be influenced into throwing all her ambition out the window for life on the Square, living hand-to-mouth, with Jay, who - face it - now has a major criminal record. It's understandable that Tanya would want Abi to distance herself from both Jay (after what he's done) and Lola. For once, I thought Cora might support Tanya's stance and call out Abi's spoiled brat reaction about hating her life.
Instead, she urges Abi (and a non-present Jay) to both "be there" in support of Lola - as if that's the fucking most important thing in her life other than her studies.
And this is the woman Kirkwood was pushing to be the Walford matriarch? Please. No.
Abi
Normally, I like Abi; but tonight, she just needed a smack. Both the Branning girls have always been spoiled - cf: Lauren dolled to the nines for a night out and not working at all ... like where did she get the money for this?
I have a sneaking suspicion that Abi hasn't once attended a class at college, or - if she has - that she'll throw it all to the wayside for Jay. This is EastEnders, you know, where anyone who goes to uni is either weird (Sarah Hills) or geeky to the extreme (Libby Fox) or dishonest (Syed) or a lunatic (May, Stella, Yusef). I guess ignorance really must be bliss.
So, Abi's thrown parental encouragement to the wind and Jay and Lola are her "family" now ... but Yummy Mummy and Daddy will have to sub her financially. She'll certainly demand that.
Kat
Well, a real Kat would make a better mother than Katshit, but she's now being pushed on the punters (real and the Walford variety) as the madonna of compassion. Of course Mouthy Chav junior grade will turn to Mouthy Chav expert variety in a time of crisis.
Besides, Kat has other worries - like keepingDerek's Shaggerman's identity a secret from her husband, which is propagating another lie. Loved it when Ray almost sussed her dirty little secret, but how long before the rest of Walford, apart from Phil, knows what that skank has been doing? Derek certainly didn't seem full of compliments. I guess he didn't take the lippy message on his mirror lightly.
Can she go soon, please?
Zainab and the Masoods
If Tanya is the mother of all hypocrites, Zainab is the patron saint of those souls. Her hypocrisy is an art. Masoodville is all about the preparations for the wedding of the year, and it's a shame that Gary Lucy is being wasted on brief scenes with a character who will shortly depart. He'd be the perfect asset to an ailing show and, furthermore, he's a character without familial ties; but TPTB love Branningville so much, they'll probably make him Suzy's son or something.
Syed is going to get stung in more ways than one.
And as cute as he is, what, exactly, is the purpose of AJ?
Phil
Phil's predicament was almost laughable in that he refused to believe that a gay man (or boy of a reasonable age) could father a child. The fact that Christian had to set him straight without nary a reference to Syed, who did just that (i e, father a child), was the funniest part of the programme. It shows Phil's naivete about homosexuality and the gay community, and - oddly - in characterisation, was probably the most realistic depiction in this whole charade.
The second funniest scene was Billy digging for details about "how" Ben managed to impregnate Lola. Inconsistency alert: Lola spoke of Ben's performance "on the night." They slept together in the afternoon, and Lola left Ben in no doubt about the inadequacy of his bedroom performance, deeming him officially gay. So now he's a sperminating stud. Go figure.
Derek and his Satellites
Derek and Joey have severe control-freak problems regarding Alice. Derek just bores me now anyway. From her on out, EastEnders is just going to line up people with a reason to hate Derek until whatever bitter end he suffers finally occurs. (Yawn).
Same old same old, I'm afraid.
(Cue music ...)
Tonight it was all about the Brannings and motherhood and hypocrisy and men who were feeling their overprotective maternal sides and Lola ... and Ben. But then, even now, it's always about Ben ...
Let's look at the usual suspects:-
Lola
Her name is Lola
She is a slapper
With much peroxide in her hair
And a skirt cut up to there
She bedded Benny
For not a penny
She eschewed a bit of rough
And he got her up the duff
She's got the Mitchell heir
Just taken into care
She's a skank and a feckless mother
Do we really care?
Not I - ah, but then I am but a humble cynic, who's watched the show since its beginnings and who now feels she's watching its swansong.
Lola's lost Lexie - through no fault of her own, mind you. She was simply fighting a girl gang in the street. Oh, but that's OK, you see. They were all mouth and no trousers (actually, bad little posh girl actors pretending to be Cockney; and their juvenile leader had the lollipop head of a forty year-old on an adolescent body. Go figure). Anyway, she cracked her baby's namesake one for calling the kid ugly and for bouncing bouncy Abi about etc, so Mouf'n Trousers (by way of Downton Abbey) proved she knew the score and called the Old Bill.
Not only does Lola have that little problem, she's also being pursued by Phil Mitchell, who somehow can't seem to get his head around the fact that a gay man can father a child - Syed, anyone?
Lola gets advice from the current patron saint of matriarchs Cora the ASBO Granny, who's lost a child to Social Services, herself - in a different time and place, mind you - who tells Lola that if this were Cora, she'd be banging the door down at Social Services until she got her child back - something she didn't do, originally, when she was a scant three years older than Lola. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20 vision.
Justapose this bull-in-a-china-shop advice against the actual sane advice of Billy (AKA "Pops" - can we stop this shit right now?) Billy actually cautions Lola that in this instance, they'd better play everything by the book, including crossing all the t's and dotting all the i's for Social Services.
Instead, Lola takes the time-honoured advice of Cora, and gets the result she didn't bargain for getting - Lexie's in care for at least 8 weeks, with 3 supervised weekly visits from Lola and new parenting classes for her. Then the Chav Queen blows her cool and shows a bit of violent behaviour toward the po-faced Social Worker. How not to win friends and influence people.
The meme throughout Lola's trials and tribulations is that Lola is a good muvva. She must be. Such paragons of maternal virtue as Cora and Kat have said she is. Is she patterns her behaviour on Cora, she'll be off clubbing and developing a drinking dependency whilst leaving Lexie to sit with a dying Billy. If she emulates Kat, she'll be dropping her knickers for any old ship that passes in the night.
Oh, and her new BFF, Abi, with the wisdom that goes with adolescence, proclaims Lola a good muvva also.
So that's settled then. It's one thing to love a baby; it's another thing to care properly for her - that means going to a doctor for a nappy rash, instead of stealing bum cream off your wealthy employer. It also means you act responsibly. Mothers aren't supposed to be seen fighting in the streets.
Tanya
The mother of all hypocrites, but I'll say one thing for her - she wants better for Abi than what she has, and that's good. Abi, on the other hand, I suspect, is about to pull another Lauren and drop out of sixth form college - if she's even attended classes at all. Why do I see another Ricky-and-Sam-style elopement on the horizon for her and
Tanya mightily offended the righteous wrath of her own devoted (not) mother, but I'll give Cora credit for calling out Tanya's snobbery and hypocrisy to her face, which Tanya failed to see because her head is stuck so far up her fat arse, she can't see the light of day. She even failed to see why criticizing Lola's loss of her child to Social Services would strike a nerve with Cora.
Cora's right: Tanya's totally forgotten the chav roots from whence she came, and she doesn't understand the old East End code of looking after one's one; but then Tanya isn't from Walford, and neither are Denise and Zainab, who broke the hypocrisy code of criticizing Lola when the poor waif appeared in the Minute Mart to belatedly buy baby supplies of which she was always running short and stealing. Zainab was right to call her out on her attitude. She lost Lexie because of her behaviour, just like Ben killed Heather. End of.
Oh, and we're all gearing up for the identity parade of who-kills-Derek suspects. Tonight, it's Tanya's turn - for making Alice look like a reject from TOWIE, which Derek assumes was the reason Alice was mugged.
Cora
Kudos for getting it right with Tanya, but every other way, this interfering old moose got it wrong. Her advice to Lola really worked wonders, didn't it?
As for her advice to Abi, at first I thought she was going to rip that spoiled little bitch a new asshole, for her attitude to Tanya's cack-handed encouragement. Yes, Tanya is a snob, but she sincerely wants Abi to better herself, and I think she fears Abi could be influenced into throwing all her ambition out the window for life on the Square, living hand-to-mouth, with Jay, who - face it - now has a major criminal record. It's understandable that Tanya would want Abi to distance herself from both Jay (after what he's done) and Lola. For once, I thought Cora might support Tanya's stance and call out Abi's spoiled brat reaction about hating her life.
Instead, she urges Abi (and a non-present Jay) to both "be there" in support of Lola - as if that's the fucking most important thing in her life other than her studies.
And this is the woman Kirkwood was pushing to be the Walford matriarch? Please. No.
Abi
Normally, I like Abi; but tonight, she just needed a smack. Both the Branning girls have always been spoiled - cf: Lauren dolled to the nines for a night out and not working at all ... like where did she get the money for this?
I have a sneaking suspicion that Abi hasn't once attended a class at college, or - if she has - that she'll throw it all to the wayside for Jay. This is EastEnders, you know, where anyone who goes to uni is either weird (Sarah Hills) or geeky to the extreme (Libby Fox) or dishonest (Syed) or a lunatic (May, Stella, Yusef). I guess ignorance really must be bliss.
So, Abi's thrown parental encouragement to the wind and Jay and Lola are her "family" now ... but Yummy Mummy and Daddy will have to sub her financially. She'll certainly demand that.
Kat
Well, a real Kat would make a better mother than Katshit, but she's now being pushed on the punters (real and the Walford variety) as the madonna of compassion. Of course Mouthy Chav junior grade will turn to Mouthy Chav expert variety in a time of crisis.
Besides, Kat has other worries - like keeping
Can she go soon, please?
Zainab and the Masoods
If Tanya is the mother of all hypocrites, Zainab is the patron saint of those souls. Her hypocrisy is an art. Masoodville is all about the preparations for the wedding of the year, and it's a shame that Gary Lucy is being wasted on brief scenes with a character who will shortly depart. He'd be the perfect asset to an ailing show and, furthermore, he's a character without familial ties; but TPTB love Branningville so much, they'll probably make him Suzy's son or something.
Syed is going to get stung in more ways than one.
And as cute as he is, what, exactly, is the purpose of AJ?
Phil
Phil's predicament was almost laughable in that he refused to believe that a gay man (or boy of a reasonable age) could father a child. The fact that Christian had to set him straight without nary a reference to Syed, who did just that (i e, father a child), was the funniest part of the programme. It shows Phil's naivete about homosexuality and the gay community, and - oddly - in characterisation, was probably the most realistic depiction in this whole charade.
The second funniest scene was Billy digging for details about "how" Ben managed to impregnate Lola. Inconsistency alert: Lola spoke of Ben's performance "on the night." They slept together in the afternoon, and Lola left Ben in no doubt about the inadequacy of his bedroom performance, deeming him officially gay. So now he's a sperminating stud. Go figure.
Derek and his Satellites
Derek and Joey have severe control-freak problems regarding Alice. Derek just bores me now anyway. From her on out, EastEnders is just going to line up people with a reason to hate Derek until whatever bitter end he suffers finally occurs. (Yawn).
Same old same old, I'm afraid.
I know you have always said Shaggerman is Derek, but do you think they may have changed their minds halfway through?
ReplyDeleteThe first time we saw Shaggerman, was in the Vic Celler, where we saw two shadows. One was Kats, which was the shorter one. The other had to visably bend DOWN to (I assume) kiss her.
Next time, we saw a hand. I cant remember the details of the episode, but it was a long hand, with long fingers. Either Max or Micheals. Jack has palms the size of dinner plates.
Next clue, was the fight at the Vic. (Last night for me), where we see him touch her face. Now that was definetly Dereks hand. It was short and square, and if you look at the episode, he was waving his hands round quite a bit just before the fight broke out.
I think it was intended to be one of the others, maybe Micheal, but Charlies leave put paid to that, or Max, but I cant think why they would change their mind.
Professor Plum