Teen Week: The Predictable Ending - Review: 30.08.2013

Meet the New Bad Girl.

Toot toot ... Heyyyyyyyyy ... Beep beep.

The surprise that wasn't a surprise. Cindy the Greek took the money. Yet another teen pulls it off, literally. 

Who recalls when Whitney Dean, then fifteen, found and cashed in on the Millers' lottery win? Now we have Cindy the Greek, the strong-featured, big-chinned, hirsute daughter of Cindy Beale, not only stealing the money for Phil Mitchell's carsale, but shifting the blame on Kitty and her dad, a friend of Phil's for thirty years, trashing the caravan and making things all the more worse for the people on whose holiday she horned in.

Just what we need. Another spoiled, quasi-psychotic little bitch running riot in Walford.

She's skint. Well, we know she's a liar, and if she wasn't, how did she come about any money? Is Ian now subbing the daughter of the woman who tried to kill him?

I don't like this kid. She's nothing like her mother, who at least had a heart, and I hope her old man comes gunning, literally, for her; and if he doesn't, I hope it's Lola who finds out what she did and grasses her up to Phil. Then I want to see him smack her skanky, hairy little Greek ass right back to Devon.

I don't like this bastard at the Beale family reunion, who isn't even a Beale - and school starts next week, by the way. Does she go back to Devon, or does Ian miraculously find her a place at Walford High, without any sort of legal documentation making him responsible for her in her grandmother's absence? Besides, Bev Williams isn't even her legal guardian. Gina Williams is. Where is she or has she been forgotten in a welter of retconning? 

Oh wait ... I forgot. This is Millenial EastEnders. If things happened before the storyliners were borned, could remember or even started watching EastEnders, it doesn't count.

Along with Dexter, with whom I actually sympathised by the time this episode's duff-duffs came along, I hope hairy Cindy the Greek is plainly in the crossfires of DTC when he comes to make a cast cull. She stinks. Like feta cheese.

Five Plus One Pull It Off and Fail.

OK, so hairy Cindy the Greek has to be the youngest drag queen on television. How many women are there now in this show who look like men in drag?

• Cora
• Sharon
• Kim
• Ava
• Kat

And now hairy Cindy the Greek, whose features are more masculine than anything. Pretty soon, she'll start sprouting stubble on her prominent chin.

It occurred to me, watching the denouement of this pathetic storyline tonight, that all of the kids on the holiday were stereotypes - the skinny boy with his fat girlfriend (Jamie and Sonia morphing into the faux-Mitchell Jay and Sonia's cousin Abi the Dough-Faced Girl); the cockney sparrow and the posh boy (Stacey and Bradley becoming Lola and Peter; the caricatured black urban yoof (Dexter jumping and jiving around in a panic), and the wild child who's going to wreak havoc (think Bianca, Janine, Stacey and, more recently, Lola, when they burst on the scene).

All types all too familiar to EastEnders, with predictable character arcs.

Lola and Peter are still the most interesting of the lot, and their attraction is watchable, if you get past that silly pyjama thing Lola was wearing. The difference of a day and the familiarity of the caravan has meant that she can now voice her concerns over what Peter told her. She's in for an even bigger shock when he confesses he didn't tell his mate's parents exactly what happened at the moment of their son's death.

Lola's now maturing as a character and as a mother. She understands how this boy's mum must have felt. This introduces the theme of "running away" which becomes a point of irony with this lot. 

Lola accuses Peter of running away, which is true to a great extent; but it's also true what Peter said, that it was presumptuous of Lola to judge him, when she had never been in that same situation. And moments later, when she elects to leave the campsite early, with Abi, not only does Peter accuse her of running away, but Jay also levels that same accusation at Abi, who throws it back at him.

All this is played out against the backdrop of a panicking Dexter, who simply can't run away. He can't go home, because he's not got the money intended for Phil.

And so evolves the Abi plan which works, but doesn't - because it now seems that not only have they got the car purchased by Bob, they've also, unbeknownst to five of the six, have his money too - and that's really a double theft.

Either Hairy Cindy the Greek is extremely stupid or she's extremely dumb or both; because if she thinks this money isn't going to be discovered, then she's seriously retarded, and if she thinks it won't have very serious repercussions on her half-brother and his friends, when she's discovered as the thief, she needs to think again. Actually, I'd like to see Phil Mitchell have her prosecuted and then see her sent away to a Young Offenders' Prison and forgotten about.

Now we have this simmering in the background, along with Jay's nasty little kissing secret, which will probably get more air time than this missing money will.

Still, I like the bond being forged between Peter and Lola, if nothing else.

And I wanted Phil to smack the shit out of Dexter the Dumb.

The con/theft scene at the pub was embarrassingly bad.

The Fool on the Hill.

Well, Billy, of course, and the inevitable end to his brief relationship with the mysterious Tara, who - at least - had the decency to come and tell him good-bye - a fact which took Billy aback for a bit. He'd rather have had her just leave, because it took him a bit to suss that the reason she wasn't taking his calls was that he turned out not to be Mr Moneybags, after all, just a guy who'd hit upon some luck.

That said, the scene where he told Kim what it actually meant to be seen with an attractive woman and have some money in his pocket, the superficial respect he received by people who don't see beyond those criteria, was quite affecting, actually. 

Billy has some good points, and Perry Fenwick always steps up to the plate when he has to do so. Maybe it's time the show moved away from Billy-the-Eternal-Fool and moved  him in another direction. Although there are many who want an end to Billy Mitchell, he's one of the few trustworthy points of reference Janine has. I like that dynamic also.

Jean Genie.

God knows, Jean is one annoying character; but that doesn't mean that Gillian Wright isn't good at what she does.

So Jean is having an episode. She's so wound up at the prospect of Ollie finding out about her bi-polar, something she could never have kept from him, that she works herself into a frazzle as well about this condition, to the point that Ollie, after having read as much as he could about the condition, is genuinely perplexed about the way Jean's gone off on a tangent of wanting an evening of a meal, a film and wandering around, only to be distracted by the sudden and urgent need to clean the Moon kitchen.

The scene in the allotments with Shane Richie was very affecting. Jean's only ever loved Brian,and now she feels much the same for Ollie, whom she thought had abandoned her.

I won't miss Jean, but I'll miss Ollie.

Roll on Carl Week - it's a week before Corrie's Karl Week, which coincides with Ronnie Week.

Let the Games begin!

Just to Clarify a Point Being Raised on Digital Spy: Abi finally explained to Jay her concerns about them becoming a married couple so soon, especially since Jay has proposed to her twice in the past two years.

She cited not wanting to be like her parents, whom she loved, but - and this was great honesty - who were rubbish parents, mainly because they'd started the parenting game too young to know themselves before they knew their kids.

Lots of people are pointing out that Max was in his twenties when he got together with Tanya. Yes, true, but an eighteen year-old Max Branning married a seventeen year-old pregnant Rachel. By the time Max married Tanya, he was edging towards twenty-five, she was nineteen, and they had a five month-old Lauren. 

Tanya was a teenaged mum. Max had been, with Bradley, a teenaged dad, who went wandering and abandoned his child for another woman whom he'd impregnated. Both of Max's first two wives became his wives because he got them pregnant. Tanya was still too caught up in what SHE wanted and Max had been selfish all along, and the children - all of them - suffered.

Teen Week: When Bad Means Bad - Review: 29.08.2013

Well, like the song says, sometimes "bad" is bad, and that's what this week has been. 

It's a well-known fact that EastEnders sinks to the bottom of the pile everytime it features its teens or pseudo-teens exclusively.

At this moment in time, on the troll site of Digital Spy forums, there's a battle raging between the few sensible members who post there and some latent millenials taking advantage of the last few days before the school term begins - people like the arrogant DUNDEEBOY who posts with one finger down his trousers when discussing anything to do with Jacqueline Jossa, who has not been missed this week - about whether or not EastEnders is geared for the younger element.

It's not.

It's not a niche soap. It never was. It was meant to cater for the broad spectrum that is British society - where one sees the elderly, the 25 to 60 element and then the youth. The materially productive element was usually the largest demographic and centred most of the action. The youth got their own moment in the sun, but usually worked better when they interacted with older cast members. This is the dynamic - apart from the godawful Ches-neh and Ka-teh borefest - on Coronation Street.

EastEnders always was grounded in its realism, and that meant its characters were usually people you could pass daily in the street and not notice - unlike today's offering of physically beautiful youth, most of whom step straight from the pages of down-market catalogue advertising, and their lack of talent shows.

As someone pointed out, the longer EastEnders continues to cater to this demographic - for economic purposes or otherwise - older, more established viewers (and this now includes the Shannis-shippers) will continue to turn off.

The Spoiled Brat.

Whoever created the character of Dexter needs to be taken out and slapped. Not only is he an affront to the Afro-Caribbean community, he's the most spoiled brat ever to appear on the show, bar Dennis Rickman Jnr - and Denny's excuse is that he's a child. Dexter is twenty years old.

It's also almost incredible that Phil Mitchell would entrust two youngsters like Dexter and Jay, one a blatant idiot, with a transaction like delivering an expensive vehicle to a stranger and accepting money in return. If Phil had done that, he would have delivered the car, taken the money and left, pronto. Ten grand is a lot of money, and not to be trusted with any of that lot, bar - perhaps - Peter.

It's patently obvious and has been so ever since we saw "Bob" take possession of the car that he saw that lot coming a mile off - which means that Kitty and her "dad" took the money. The phonecall from him was obviously an arrangement whereby her message to him was code to tell when it would be ripe to raid the caravan.

It was quite amusing to see him go into cartoon electric shock mode and start accusing everyone of theft. I really wanted Peter to smack him, because it's time someone did. His putrid mother obviously never did, nor did she ever instill in him the necessity of speaking properly.

The words, or pseudo-words I've come to hate most from this programme are "babe" and "innit" - and Dexter uses "innit" so much that the sub-titles actually ignore it now. And it was risible the way he referred to his family connection with Abi, when he accused her of the theft.

Abi: Dexter! We're cousins!
Dexter: But in our family, that ain't ever mattered before, innit?

First of all, there's this constant, constant reiteration of the fact that Abi and Dexter are cousins. Not once, but again and again. In fact, in almost every episode, he refers to her as "cuz". One year ago, this guy was a stranger to the Brannnings. They didn't even know he existed. He's as much a relation to them as Bianca is to Peter Beale, but there isn't even half the established connection and history there. Bianca's father and Peter's father are half-brothers. They are the sons of the legendary Pete Beale; and even though we never saw David, the older brother, until after Pete had died, we knew about David, knew there was an older son.

Dexter is an add-on and a retcon. He wasn't even part and parcel of Cora's backstory, he was an added appendage to that - added and left undeveloped.  And because of that underdevelopment, he was slotted in as a caricatured black urban youth, who took up some of Jay's screentime and further emasculated Jay.

He knows jack shit enough to reference anything that happened in Abi's family, and besides, his connection with Abi is through her equally putrid mother, so that history, apart from drug and alcohol addiction and a propensity to breaking up marriages, is something we know little about.

The long-term viewer have known for ages that Peter Beale and Bianca Butcher were first cousins, but the references to the Beale-Butcher connection are few and far between. In fact, there's never been any reference by Peter to his relationship with Bianca and only one from Lucy. But at every opportunity, we get the "cuz" shit from Abi and Dexter shoved down our throats. 

Dexter grew up with loving and supportive grandparents - Ava's adoptive parents, who are, presumably, still alive. Yet he calls that stinking old toad of a drunk, Cora, "nan," and immediately started calling Tanya "Auntie Tanya."

I get it. Newman wants to show the world how clued-up, how rainbow politically correct she is by setting the Brannings up as a now racially and culturally diverse family (hidden meaning: The Brannings are the world), she's pissing on us if we think we find this believeable.

Yes, I can believe that Cora had a bi-racial baby in a time when unmarried mothers were taboo, much less unmarried mothers having babies of another race; but more realistic, would have been the prissy, hypocritical and nasty-nice Tanya turning up her nose at the Hartman non-invasion of her familial space. Ava hasn't committed this transgression, to her credit; but Dexter has.

He's no more Abi's cousin than he is a stranger to her. He's an acquaintance, who knows nothing of her or her history, and likewise she is the same to him.

So let's stop this "cuz" business, because it isn't working. It doesn't make him any more likeable because Abi's a particularly nasty little piece of work at the worst of times.

Dexter never acts like anything more than an aggressive, spoiled brat. Even Cindy the Greek had him pegged in the episode when they were sat at that picnic area, with him sulking and his hoodie pulled up over his funny, pointed ears. 

He speaks atrociously, he's rude, he's aggressive and he's got the behavioural mannerisms of a spoiled punk brat.

If Phil Mitchell doesn't "slap him dahn," I hope he's first on the list of DTC's cannings.

The Wannabe Nothing and The Fat Girl.

<giggle giggle snort snort>

And so it goes ... the constant discussion of Abi and Jay's future in the wake of a possible pregnancy.

One is as bad as the other, and this association should stop forthwith. I do hope after all that transpires, that this is the end of Jabi. They've always seemed like a skinny street punk wanting to have it off with a girl who looked and acted like a twelve year-old.

Abi still hasn't peed on the damned stick, and now Jay's singing a different tune. She doesn't know it (or maybe he does), but he knows that he said the wrong thing and now he's got to say the right thing to get her onside.

The gist is this: He's emotionally black-mailed her before when she said she'd want a termination, so now he thinks if he can just go along with what she's saying, there'll be time enough to talk her around to having the baby - if there is, indeed, a baby.

Abi was brutally honest with him: She was too young to have a baby, and so was he. Jay was honest enough to admit that he was both scared and excited at the prospect of fatherhood, but Abi wouldn't be swayed. Even with Jay's lip-serviced response that he'd stand by her whatever she decided, we all know that he'd use every means of emotional blackmail to force her to have a child, and if she didn't, he'd dump her.

So Abi takes the test and tests him:

You realise that if it's positive, I'm going to do something that you probably won't like.

And Jay's arrogantly presumptuous:

No, you won't. Because I know you better than you know yourself.

Really, Jay? I don't think you do. Abi is bound and determined to go to university and to be a vet. With such strongly stated ambitions, I hope the new EP of the show doesn't forget this and contrive to keep her on the Square. Abi knows, as she stated, that she was well too young to deal with a child. Abi will never allow anyone to force her into doing something she doesn't want to do - not even Max and Tanya. The only thing this episode has proven to her, I hope, is how vastly different her desires and ambitions are to those of Jay.

The reveal of the result, as well, proves to the greatest extent, just how immature both these people really are. The result is negative. Abi's reaction?

<giggle giggle snort> We're all right then.

(Everything back to normal).

Jay's reaction is to storm off, like a spoiled brat (see above) who didn't get what he wanted. And he makes a beeline for the pub, where he connects with the ubiquitous Kitty.

That country pub really annoyed me. Yes, rustically countrified, but what was all this easy listening music being piped into the background? Like something out of a sophisticated Sixties' film?

One locally drafted beer after another and a few cheesy lines of dialogue ...

Kitty: You here all alone?
Jay: I'm not alone. You're here.

And suddenly you're getting the stock lines normally issued by a drunken, middle-aged man opening up over a beer to a jaded cocktail waitress ... "My girlfriend hates me ..." That sort of thing, followed by a kiss and the awful Dexter duff-duff. 

So this is Jay "cheating" on Abi? Please, pull the other one.

Pygmalion.

Instead of Higgins and Eliza, imagine - if you will - Peter and Lola:-

If this is and incipient romance, I like it. I like the idea of the well-spoken, middle-class boy taking a fancy to the cockney sparrow EastEnd orphan, and I hope this works.

A lot of people are complaining on various forums about how Ian's children are all posh, whilst no one comments the same about Max's children. I find this situation more realistic than that of the common as ditchwater Ava the teacher and her pisspoor unintelligible some. Equally unrealistic is Joey the gob and his well-spoken sister Alice.

We all want better for our children than what we had, and gor the longest time, I always thought Ian Beale had university on the horizon for his children. He's not particularly badly spoken, himself, and Ian is the sort of social mover and climber who'd want his children to speak well, with received pronunciation, instead of sounding like some Cockney spivs, which is why I find it difficult to believe Peter's returned home to Walford and a future of standing on a fruit'n veg stall.

The same goes for the Branning girls. An inverted snob like Tanya would want nothing working class to be attached to any of her children, and we need to remember as well, that Bradley spoke miles better than Max.

Anyway, it's obvious now why Peter returned to Walford and what his "secret" is. He's being eaten up with guilt because his friend drowned whilst swimming and they were both drunk. He feels responsible.

The scene where he opens up to Lola by the side of the mucky lake was easily the best scene of the night, and it speaks volumes for the decision to associate Ben Hardy with Danielle Harold's character - a romantic liaision to develop between two of the most talented young actors on the show is to be commended.

Hardy's LAMDA training sticks him out from the other one-dimensional common-and-garden celebrity fame academy "talents" and assorted catalogue models who populate the show; and Harold's one of the best natural young talenst to come along in years.

Peter's confession was a difficult one, and Hardy did it well, drawing out the story in almost a recitational style, illustrating how difficult this was for him, the only way to confront it being to distance himself from the event, itself, and recite the turn of events in almost a dispassionate manner. This style added to the pathos of the moment, a moment so great and so intense in a confessional was this, that Lola had to walk away, horrified, in order to take this moment in.

She wasn't disgusted, she was horrified and shocked and affected to the core, and sometimes when you hear a confession so incongruent to the personality of the person you've essentially just met, you have to step back and examine what was said and then relate it to the sort of person you imagine your new-found acquaintance to be before making a decision.

Great scene. Great pairing.

Far more interesting than the rankness of your Laurens, your Whitneys or your Joeys.

A Fool and His Money.

If there be any doubt about how big a fool Billy Mitchell is, this episode gave you full evidence.

Billy has a granddaughter and a great-granddaughter for whom he must provide. Even though Lola is working as an apprentice hairdresser, she doesn't yet earn enough to provide fully for Lexi's needs. So she's dependent on "Pops."

Billy wins a bundle on a horse race, so instead of taking this cash and stashing it for Lola to use on essential things that Lexi needs, he takes it and blows it on buying a designer shirt for himself, paying Kim fifty quid to look after Lexi all afternoon, and treat a veritable stranger he fancies (who isn't such a beauty, herself) to a slap-up meal of bubbly and lobster, as well as a trip up West for some fancy shopping. He's promised Lola he'd pick up an article of clothing for Lexi she'd laid by and he's delayed even doing that.

When Kim susses this bird is only impressed with Billy's ability to spend, she spills the beans about Billy's wealth. Now Billy's off to look for whatever her name was - Tara.

As John Lennon would say, "This bird has flown."

I hope Lola's justifiably angry with Billy.

Almost the End for Creepy Jean.

Is Jean having an episode? I'm not so sure. I think she used the fact that she may have seen to have been having a manic episode to get one back on Alfie for suggesting, reasonably, that Jean should apprise Ollie of her medical condition.

In fact, the more I think of it, the more I think this really was Jean's intention. Pretend to be going through a manic phase and then blurt out what you perceive to be the truth behind Alfie's affections for Roxy. You expose Alfie, you hurt Roxy, and you don't get the blame because - oh well, that's Jean, and she's bi-polar. All's forgiven, but what does it accomplish?

In the end, I'm glad Roxy swiped her phone and rang Ollie. I actually liked the way Jean rabidly explained her "affliction" and then assumed this was the end as far as Ollie was concerned, actually walking out on him.

I know this is part of her leaving line, which is over shortly, and I know his association with the show ends with Jean's departure, but I like Ollie, and I'd have liked to have seen him stay on as a character, although Jean does annoy men.

Teen Week spoiled this episode.

Teen Week: Dazed and Confused - Review: 27.08.2013

Here's a song DTC is sending out to the cast of EastEnders:-

Will all deadbeats here
Kindly step to the rear
And let a winner lead the way.

Here's where we separate 
The men from the boys (Joey)
The sound from the noise (Dexter)
The rose from the poison ivy (Lauren)

The wheat was separated from the chaff tonight in Episode Two of Teen Week. Mildly more watchable, but I'm fast seeing which young characters are worth a watch (Peter, Lola), which ones have come to the end of the line (Abi) and which ones should be heading out of Walford shortly (Dexter, Cindy the Greek). There's still a big question mark hanging over the head of Jay.

Dazed and Confused

I think that's an apt description of the youth of today tonight.

Dazed and Confused: Jay and Abi.

I notice from the credits that Jay's now calling himself "Jay Brown" again. What? (As Lauren would say). Did he change his name back by deed poll again? Because I remember the big thing made about Jay changing his name to Mitchell a few years back. Only a week after refusing to change his name at Billy's behest, a pair of boxing gloves and Phil's approbation swayed him.

I'm not the biggest fan of Jabi, and goodness knows I dislike Abi, herself; but she was right tonight. The pregnancy scare brought out Jay's male ego as much as being a Mitchell made him swagger about Walford in an aggressive mood and demand if people knew who he were.

I've said all along that Jay was only paying lip service to Abi's ambitions, hoping that he might be able at the eleventh hour or by some circumstance to dissuade her from going to college. If I recall correctly, there was a moment last year when Max and Tanya did a bit of reverse psychology when Abi fleetingly thought for a moment that she might not continue with her education, simply because Jay and Lola weren't.

A possible pregnancy proved just what Jay needed. Add to that a bit of emotional blackmail and you've got a humdinger of a guilt trip to lay on Abi.

And what's this about them taking precautions?

We took precautions. Vese fings'appen.

Uh, actually, no, they don't. 

Remember this butt-clinchingly embarrassing scene.

What's there to say? We made love.

What teenager says that, and - more importantly - what teenager says that after the first time? This was Abi's first time, and it was probably Jay's as well. That's right. Ben popped his cherry before LLCoolJay.

Both were probably nervous, fumbling and I'll reckon Abi didn't bank on the wet spot, the stickyness and the smell, as nasty-nice as she is.

But the principle is that was spontaneous, and it was debatable whether Abi or Jay had the necessary johnny. 

Anyway, the responsibility isn't with just one partner. Abi, if she were thinking about sleeping with Jay, should have seen her GP and made the necessary arrangements to go on the Pill.

Last night, when she revealed what was worrying her, she immediately blamed Jay. Typical Abi. Typically Branning. Nothing is ever the fault of any Branning.

Of course, in the scheme of things, Abi was always going to reject the idea of having a child now, at her age. Not only does she have higher education and a career on her mind, she also probably realises that she's too young to be saddled with a child at her age. Abi may be the same age as Lola, but emotionally in many ways, she's lots younger.

I'm sure 18 year-old Max Branning said much the same thing to 17 year-old Rachel all those years ago, when he got her pregnant with Bradley, and that worked out very well, didn't it? 

Jay makes a good wage? As an essentially untrained mechanic in London? Phil owns a backstreet one-horse garage, the sort that normally services old bangers; yet we regularly see him working now on late-model cars, the sorts which are serviced with the aid of computerisation and with mechanics who are specially-trained. I don't notice any certifications on the wall or recall having heard any remarks about courses and training.

Jay's talking about supporting Abi, a baby, paying rent, bills and putting her through university. That's pipe dream talk. He's actually condescending to Abi, thinking she'll buy this rosy moment and trust him to come good. In doing so, she'll agree to keep the baby, and then when it's too late, she'll see that none of what he promised will materialise. They'll be stuck in Abi's bedroom at Max's house, the baby will be born and subsequently, Abi will have to get a job at the caff or waitressing for Ian in order to enable them to scrape together a deposit for a rented flat.

We'll live somewhere.

Famous last words, which Abi was right to take with a grain of salt. She might be silly and selfish and entitled, but occasionally she gets a grip of common sense, and she knows what Jay is saying just won't happen. More importantly, she realises how young they both are, and that, however much he might protest otherwise, that somewhere down the line in the next few years, Jay will get bored with budgeting tight money, changing dirty nappies, crying babies with snotty noses and he'll do a flit. His own dad did just that, and Abi's father abandoned his son for a younger model.

Abi and Jay were never going to be Libby and Darren, where he sat back and let her go off to university, thinking nothing would change until his actions affected that.

I hated the emotional blackmail Jay used, just with his language, once Abi had decided she'd get a termination, if she were pregnant. Using the term "get rid of it" is brutal enough, now he's ready to label her nothing short of a murderer, just to assauge his male ego.

Let him go, Abi. You're better than that. He called it, himself. You're destined for university, and he's destined to stay in Walford, grafting at a dodgy backstreet garage, on the periphery of everything and belonging to nothing.

With that, I hope Abi does leave the Square to continue her education. It would be one less young person on whom to focus, and I think the actress has reached the limits of her talent as well. I'm of two minds about Jay, because Jamie Borthwick is a good actor. Very good, as a matter of fact, and maybe it's time for him to spread his wings and leave Walford behind professionally.

(Suggestion: please don't do anymore full frontal shots of Abi's thunder thighs like that. I'm surprised Jay's hips haven't been crushed. The actress is seriously fat, and nearing Heather-fat).

Here's an alpha male song Jay wishes he and Abi could sing together (with him doing the dominant vocals):-

Dazed and Confused: Dexter Does Felix the Cat.

Why does Dexter remind me of assorted cartoon characters? It's as though he's the lovechild of Gumby and Felix the Cat ...

He moves like a cartoon character. No, actually, he moves and talks like a stereotypical black person, like a white person's idea of what an urban black youth would look and sound like. In the rustic and lilywhite countryside of the New Forest, he sticks out like a sore thumb. They all do, with their stock remarks about the odour of cow dung, which doesn't hang over the air, by the way.

Cocky, arrogant, spoiled, full of himself, strutting his conceit and utterly unintelligible, he's the streetsuss from London come to the country to sample the local talent, love'em and leave'em; but I think he's going to get undone. No matter how much "Kitty" might seem like she's a homely country girl, I'd be willing to bet her old man (and Kitty, herself) are part and parcel of dodgy London wideboys, the sort with whom Phil Mitchell would do business and try to one-up.

He was bought, sold and stitched up as soon as "Bob" spotted him in that spruce suit.

Dexter is an unlikeable. He is a cartoon character who, frankly, is an insult to Afro-Caribbean youth. But then, as an Afro-Caribbean contributor to the Walford Web Bullyboi Emporium once accurately pointed out, each ethnic character, from Patrick to Ajay Ahmed in the programme is a "type," a caricature, a cartoon - as viewed through the eyes of the hideously white, middle-class minions of the BBC.

Dazed and Confused: Pola and Cindy the Greek.

Lola to Peter?

I actually like Peter and Lola. I like the dynamic and I like the effect he has on her. Around him, she seems more mature, more tempered. OK, she ribs him about being a posh boy, but then he treats her, probably, unlike any male, contemporary or otherwise, has ever treated her. I actually liked how he seems to be the only member of that lot who thinks about buying food and actually preparing it, and Lola willingly was helping him prepare breakfast.

Lola's even keeping Lexi in mind as well during this holiday, remarking to Dexter's jibe about Billy's constant texting, that that's what mothers do. Lola is different from Abi. She had her baby and faced consequences. Now she's trying to do the best she can to forge a career within her abilities and talents to make things better for her daughter.

The only thing creepy about a potential Ben-Lola pair-up, is the fact that she's the mother of his young uncle's son, so Peter, effectively, would become the step-father to his first cousin; but you know, even less than he acknowledges the Butchers as part of his family, Ian has yet to mention Lexi's existence. He knew of Phil's fight for custody of her, even knew that Lexi is Ben's son (he must know that).

Lexi is Kathy's grandchild as much as Peter, Lucy and Bobby are, and you'd think Ian would fight tooth and nail to bring Lexi under his domain. The old Ian certainly would have done so. I'm not sure Peter knows who Lexi's father is or if it would make a difference to him.

One observation: The talk of Peter returning to Walford tonight sounded as though he'd been gone years, when he's only been gone since the end of 2010. Allegedly, he would have finished his A-Levels in Devon, which was the object of his leaving there - along with his having been accused of pushing Glenda down the stairs. Did he complete his studies? And surely he must have done something more than hang out and surf all that time. His pinnacle of ambition can't be fronting a fruit'n veg stall in East London, surely?

As for Cindy the Greek, the less said, the better. She knows a secret about Peter, so she follows him to London? There are people on DS who don't know any better, who itch for an incest storyline between a nineteen year-old male and his fourteen year-old half-sister, which would be more than just yucky; but the way Cindy the Greek shadows Peter, pleading to be liked is just as creepy as the suppositions.

It's probably bad writing, but Peter also implied tonight that she couldn't be trusted. I don't like her, and I liked her mother. I don't like her because she's too much of the same thing we've been saddled with re young girls since Bianca arrived in Walford twenty years ago, shouting the odds.

Get rid.

Dazed and Confused: Jean. Just Bloody Jean.

Yes, Jean is having an episode. Maniacally hoovering. (Suggestion: Jean may have nice legs, but a fiftysomething woman dressed in mini skirts, be she Jean or Shirley, is mutton dressed as lamb). Cleaning during serving times at the pub. Whisking food from under punters' noses as they eat.

Whatever caused this situation, who knows? Mo the Vegetable thief or the pressure of knowing that she will have to tell Ollie of her condition. For goodness sake, she has a medical condition. If she had cancer or diabetes, she'd not think twice about telling him. They're serious in their relationship; it's right that he should know.

And whatever people say about Alfie keeping his nose out of this situation, it's right that he is concerned. Jean is family. She lives under his roof. He is, in de facto sense, responsible for her. And whatever anyone might say, his judgment is far far better than Jean's will ever be. Even though Roxy is wrong in trying to sweep this under the carpet (and Roxy may still actually be Jean's daughter-in-law) and pretend everything is normal, it's not - as Jean's candid outburst (another sign of a manic phase in bi-polar) revealed, when she screeched out the truth that there may not be a Roxy-Alfie wedding, as Alfie still loves Kat.

This is Jean's leaving line.

Dazed and Confused: The Well-Respected Man about Town.

Tara is attractive, in a well-worn Tanya Franks sort of way, but she's far from beautiful. Still, I suppose any woman Billy tries to pull is punching above his weight.

The saying goes: A fool and his money soon part, and Billy is parting with his. Fifty-five quid for a shirt, fifty quid for Kim to deign to change a shitty nappy. (I find it incredible that Patrick has never in his life changed a nappy. OK, he may have been out and about when his kids were small, but didn't he help out with Paul's daughter?) And then lobster and bubbly for lunch.

Tara is a gold-digger. And Billy is a fool. Once again.

Perry Fenwick deserves better, and Tameka Empson is not funny.

Better than yesterday, but not out of the cack category yet.

Teen Week: Irritating and Annoying - Review: 26.08.2013

Well, that was pretty dire, wasn't it? The only hope to come from this is that DTC watched the rushes of this week and decides that, really, sending EastEnders in the youthful direction in which it's been going the past two years is one big, fat, rancid mistake.

However, it looks as though there may be a light on the dim horizon. 

It's long been recognised by the fans who are turning off and on the verge of turning off, that - besides the dire writing, bad research and poor continuity (all problems of the backroom) that plague the show - two of its biggest problems have been the over-emphasis on youth and the Brannings.

Well, considering the news leaked this weekend, it looks as if DTC is killing two birds with one stone, with the departure/death of psychopath Michael Moon. One Branning and one youth down, because Alice Branning, arguably the least offensive and probably the most likeable of the clan, will be involved in his death.

Reading between the lines, this means she will probably kill him. I don't think she'll plot to murder him, and I don't think she'll hit him with home truths which will result in his suicide (note to the fangirls defending Moon: he's a fucking psychopath, you numpties; they're narcissists; they don't do suicide, although they try to drive others to do so).

Rather, I think she'll suddenly realise what seriously sick scum he is, get into an argument with him, try to stop him from doing what he planned to do and kill him. Accidentally. For which she'll pay. For Alice is no Stacey Slater, even though she is a Branning, and she'll be carted off to prison.

One youth down and one Branning also. 

There were several candidates in tonight's episode who should seriously be in the firing line for firing. I counted at least three, maybe four.

This episode was, to put it bluntly, a crock of shit. Let's hope it's the last week of cack we ever have to suffer with this programme. 

Clueless.

The lyrics to Lady Gaga's song sum up entirely exactly what's wrong with all the "yoof" who dominate EastEnders these days, and that includes the A-Team as well as the B-Team, which we saw tonight.

They are shallow, entitled, lazy, self-obsessed, spoiled, directionless and selfish. Most of the A-Team totally exhibit at least some of these qualities, if not all of them. Lauren certainly possesses all of these qualities; Whitney, most of them, including arrogance and self-righteousness. Lucy, at least, has a job; but she's cold and heartless and emotes no warmth, whatsoever.

The B-Team are almost just as bad. Three of the quartet might have jobs, but they are still shallow and self-obsessed and narrow-minded. Jesus Christ, how bloody narrow-minded! As well, harken back to the old adage I blame the parents, and you'll see what I mean. It was blatantly obvious tonight the difference in educational background and parental upbringing between Peter Beale and the rest of the numpties on the so-called "road trip."

Based on what I've seen in tonight's episode, were I DTC, I'd be putting x's by the names of Khali Best, Lorna Fitzgerald and Mimi Keen right away. I'd be hovering over the name of Jamie Borthwick and placing a question mark by his.

First of all, I find it very hard to believe that Phil Mitchell would entrust a bunch of kids - at least two so-called apprentices - to take a late-model Volvo SUV down to the New Forest for a sales transaction totalling in £10,000. I wouldn't trust Dexter with 10 pence, much less ten grand. Phil was right to insist that Jay drive the car.

I don't know if Dexter is deliberately written this way or if he's aware that he's acting this way, but he's awfully reminiscent of a 1930s cartoon depiction of a wired black kid.

As well as being totally unintelligible, here is another very bad actor employed by what is supposed to be the BBC's flagship programme. Yet another one hired right out of a provincial drama "course" right into the big time. 

Not only that, but he's totally unlikeable. He is a spoiled brat, determined to have his own way, and acting out when he doesn't. He seriously needs a slap, and I wonder how the rest of his so-called "friends" (with whom, in the reality of London, he wouldn't associate at all) put up with his attitude - even Abi the Obese Dough-Faced Girl, who's his cousin. Cousin, my arse! A year ago, they were (and still are, for the most part) strangers.

Obviously, the presence of Peter Beale on this holiday is contrived, and the reason behind this is the one bright spot on what is - for the youth - a diminishing horizon. Peter has never associated with this group of youngsters before. He's nineteen, and even though that's one year older than Jay and a year younger than Dexter, he's usually associated with the likes of Lauren or Whitney. He certainly was a friend of Fatboy's in his former life.

It seems that there's going to be a Peter-Lola romance sometime in the near future. Danielle Harold's hinted that Lola's up for a romance in her recent interview, and I admit, I was hoping for a Peter-Lola association. I didn't really want them to re-visit his old haunts of Lauren or Whitney (the latter of whom treated him pretty badly). I kinda sorta hoped they'd put him with Alice, but the characters are too similar in certain respects.

If TPTB go with the ubiquitous Pola combination, that would be innovative. Peter is a nice guy. He's responsible, he's caring, he's mature and he's level-headed. If you're thinking along the lines of a reprise of Bradley-Stacey, you wouldn't be wrong. This could work.

Lola is flighty, capricious, sometimes pejoratively impulsive, hotheaded and can be rude and irresponsible. But, of all the youth, she is trying to forge a profession and care for her daughter, both emotionally and financially.

She's seventeen going on forty, sexually, and hasn't been above using sex, in the past, to get what she wants. She was raised in care, and she certainly is manipulative.

The romance, if it develops into something like that, will be a rocky road, and will probably end in tears. Add to this, the fact that Peter will be getting involved with the mother of his uncle's child, and - no doubt - Ian will not approve. But it was interesting to observe Lola's changing reaction to Peter - from irritation to respect.

Peter had horned in on their perceived holiday, but Lola had showed up with an unrealistic amount of luggage for a few days' camping in the country in a caravan. During the trip down, she joined in belittling his musical taste and the fact that, instead of relying on their expensive Smart- and Iphones to get them out of a situation where they appeared to be lost, Peter was actually able to read a paper map. Peter got them out of a jam, and when Lola was sprayed with mud, he offered her his teeshirt and shielded her from the eyes of the others - Dexter was clearly trying to ogle - as she changed her top.

The simplicity of her acknowledgement of this was actually quite touching.

Lola: When I changed into your teeshirt back there, you didn't look.

Peter: No.

Lola: Why?

Peter: Because I promised.

This is Peter entirely. His word is good and he's reliable. He was, for Whitney, the ubiquitous dependable bloke, whom she dumped in favour of Connor. It's debatable whether or not Lola would appreciate this quality Peter has, but she appeared to take this on board when she made the observation.

Once again, we have the incipience of a young couple behind whom the audience could support, but - once again - it does depend how TPTB continue with this liaision. Harold is, arguably, the best young actress on the show at the moment; and Ben Hardy was an inspired re-cast of Peter.

Although Peter knew Jay from his time on the Square before, I find it intriguing how he knew Dexter, who - I'll swear - referred to him as "Michael" in the initial scene in the cafe when the boys were ordering doughnuts for the journey. (At least, Peter had the prescience to bring chicken, instead). I'm also intrigued to know how Jay and Dexter were suddenly acquainted with Cindy.

I'm not liking Cindy the Greek at all.

She's another stageschool kid, and it shows. And yet another fourteen year-old wild child on the loose. She demands to go on holiday with "the big kids." Why? She hangs onto Peter like a leech. Please, stop with the "incest" shit, which has been shipped on Digital Spy, and which only goes to show how dank their imaginations are. When she's told, in no uncertain terms, by Peter that she can't go along, she insists and hides out in the boot of the car - as you do.

Do we like her? I don't. What is interesting is the open animosity felt toward her, not just by Peter, but also by Lucy, as well as the constant grudging remarks about her "being in their family." There's real antipathy. If we're supposed to feel sorry for her, I don't. She's yet another entitled, spoiled and selfish brat, who pays heed to no one and who does what she wants.

Peter is right. Ian will be livid with her for doing what she did, and especially for putting herself i such danger as hiding in the boot of a vehicle, which is not only silly, but dangerous. Of course, she won't go home the next day. They never do, but we can live in hope that she goes home after her six-month contract is finished.

I've no objection to Cindy's daughter making an appearance in Walford, but we already have Cindy's Beale daughter, and there's no room or way for this one in the plethora of youth characters abundant on the Square these days. There was scope to have introduced her at a later date, when she was significantly older. As things stand, she's expendable.

The Odd Couple.

All hail, Abi and Jay, the natural successors to Libby and Darren.

I don't know if Abi the Dough-Faced Girl is more annoying than Libby the Original Dough-Faced Girl. Maybe they are just as annoying as one another in different ways.

Libby was Walford's Brain of Britain, and she knew it. You knew that Oxford-bound Libby was never going to make a go of backstreet car-dealer Darren with is GCSE passes. Just like you know that there's no way in hell university-bound Abi would even want to be seen dead on campus with grease monkey Jay. In fact, Jay foreshadowed this tonight, when he was urging Abi to go to uni and veterinary school, whilst he "stayed in Walford", promising her he'd visit her every weekend.

Yeah ... yeah.

Why do I have a feeling that that was lip service in reverse psychology? Because I've never believed that Jay really, really wanted Abi to fulfill her ambition. He was ready enough to coerce her into running away to Gretna Green last summer, and of all the people involved in discovering she'd bombed her exams, he seemed the least supportive of alternative measures, including his sarcastic reaction to the newly-beatified Lauren's discovery that - hey presto! - there were other ways for Abi to become a vet.

And why the fuck is everyone talking about Abi as though she's suddenly got to do clearance or something? She has to re-sit her AS year, that's all.

I think this holiday will mark the end of Abi and Jay, and I'm in support of that. Abi has devolved into a selfish, self-centred, spoiled, entitled little bitch, demanding money from Jay to cover a scam her drunken sister had imposed upon her grandmother, demanding Jay pay for their holiday. Her attitude towards Jay mirrors that of Tanya's towards men in general. They're there to pay for everything, and when a woman asks for money, she should get it. Who can forget Abi threatening to withold sexual favours from Jay unless he gave her money for Lauren?

Well, maybe he should have done so, as she now thinks she's pregnant.

More stupidity. 

Of course, she's not, but has neither she nor Jay heard of condoms? Has she not consulted a doctor about going on the Pill? Have they not heard of safe sex? Their ignorance isn't all that astounding, considering Lola thought Ben's performance in bed so worthless that he must, indeed, be gay, and now she's found herself with Lexi.

When Jay and Abi first had sex, they used no precautions.

Her attitude to this as opposed to Jay's will determine the course of their relationship. It will force Abi to declare what she really wants in life, as opposed to what Jay really wants for them. Jay's not as much of a modern male as he might think, considering his main role model has been Phil Mitchell.

Abi is easily dispensible by sending her away to study - the giggling and snorting is getting worse; and I wouldn't say Jay is out of the firing line either. He's peripheral to everyone now, consigned to the B and B, bearing the "Mitchell" name, but not associated anymore with any Mitchell, without any family or support.

I'm for paring the youth element right down to the Beale Twins, Lola and, maybe Fatboy and Poppy, if they found something more substantial for them to do.

Height of their ignorance tonight came in the reaction to the caravan. What the hell were they expecting in a caravan holiday camp? Five-Star accommodation? Typical entitled youth reaction.

Shiny Happy Jean.

Jean's hap-peeeeeeeeeee.

We know that because she's in screeching mode again. Ollie brings he strawberries, when I'd have thought that it's a bit late in the year for allotment strawberries. They're usually a late spring-early summer crop, but there you go. This is Walford, and anything can happen here.

Ollie's amazed at how eternally hap-peeeeee Jean is, which concerns Alfie.

This is Alfie Moon at his best, looking after and caring for his family. He's concerned for Jean, because she hasn't told Ollie that she suffers from bi-polar condition. Alfie knows how this condition works, and thinks it's fair that Ollie know about this. They are getting more serious, and this is the sort of secret that really shouldn't be kept from a prospective partner.

I can understand Jean's reluctance. She thinks that, knowing this, might scare Ollie away, but as Alfie says, if he can't handle it, he isn't worth it. And kudos for Alfie for pointing out to Jean that she isn't mentally ill. She has a medical condition, an illness, that's controlled by medication.

It's odd that Jean would suddenly decide her condition is a mental illness when she's always been at pains, especially during Stacey's bout, to explain that this is exactly what Alfie said it was - a medical condition, controlled by medication.

This is the beginning of the end of Jean. Good. Can Ollie stay, please?

Filler: Billy Sees a Pretty Woman.

Billy sees a pretty woman staying at the B and B for a "conference." He wins some money on the horses. She's suddenly attracted to him.

Barry Evans and Vanessa, anyone?

No, not that Vanessa, this Vanessa ...

One question ... Billy's without funds, again. Is he still squatting in that flat, and why can't he get a sub from Janine to cover the price of a babygro giraffe suit?

Let's hope this is the end of a long, bad time on EastEnders.

Final Observation: A whiny teen on Digital Spy has just whined "Why does everyone hate us in soaps?" and that rancid old troll vald, once again tries to make herself relevant by saying that teens have always been in the show and have always featured.

Yes, true to an extent, but they've always featured in storylines which involved older characters as well. It's a given that EastEnders' storylines concerning teens and people under twentyfive have always been integrated with older, more established cast members.

Michelle's pregnancy involved Den Watts, the fortysomething father of her child. Stax involved Stacey Slater's affair with another fortysomething, Max Branning, the father of her ex-boyfriend. Sharon was in her early twenties and married to Grant Mitchell, a few years her elder, when Sharongate surfaced. That featured a woman in her early twenties and two men in their late twenties/early thirties. Danielle, the "secret" Mitchell was more about her mother, thirtysomething Ronnie, than it was about Danielle.

It's only been in the past two years, when we've been asked to imbibe a diet of Whitney and Tyler, followed closely by Lauren and Joey and had various "teen weeks" foisted on us, not to mention entire episodes which dealt with nothing but teens griping, bitching and moaning and not aspiring to anything that the show has faltered badly.

Look, I know these actors are cheaper to use, but rather than paying peanuts and getting monkeys, return the soap to what it was, even though it might mean re-distributing budgetry. EastEnders was never a teen soap, and - as someone else said - the ethos of former teens on the show was to aspire to something better.

This entitled attitude came in with the Branning girls, who used to sit, slumped in front of the television like zombies whilst their mollycoddling mother picked up the detritus of their lives strewn around the floor.

Vald ...

Old trout.