All of that and more in Pete Lawson's offering tonight, where the writer does well with a paucity of material.
I find watching EastEnders easier these days, but I would imagine that's because the spoilers for September and what they offer sound like real storylines, even though I'm probably in the minority (if the millenials and those who started watching during Slater/Shannis-Mania are, indeed, now the majority) who isn't looking forward to the return of Ronnie and the probability of The Ronnie Show for six month. I'm also one of those who thinks that, whilst David Wicks was a good character, he was in no way iconic, and I'm not looking forward to what will probably be a continued Kirkwood retcon of Grandad David cosying down with promiscuous Granny Carol for a little up-close-and-personal.
This was never a love story, but that's a topic for another day - probably someday in September.
What's particularly ironic is that we have the full debut of Cindy Beale's daughter in tonight's episode on the day when it was announced that Michelle Collins will be leaving Coronation Street early in the coming year.
(Memo to *Betty*, Bullyboi-in-Chief of the Walford Web Bullying Emporium: No, Cindy won't be returning to Walford. She's dead. Ian saw her body. She's dead. Like Marley. Like Banquo's Ghost. Like Kathy and Tiffany Mitchell and Pauline and Pat. And Archie. Dead. Dead as a doornail. Dead as a dodo.)
Moving On (Not).
Shirley's not. Moving on, I mean, although she got a pretty good (and misdirected) pep talk from Denise.
Shirley's new severe haircut makes her seem harder, meaner, flintier. In fact, the way the current male population of Walford is going and has gone under the auspices of the last two Executive Producers, I'd say Shirley, were she to put her mind to it, could easily come out Top Dog in Walford. Not Queen Bitch, mind you, because Shirley's not mean or hard in a feminine sort of way.
She doesn't plot and wile or connive like a real bitch. She's more in the masculine mould. Bitches manipulate by psychological bullying. Shirley is more physical, but in a masculine sort of way. She's butch. In fact, I wouldn't be at all surprised to find she has balls.
She's got a bee in her bonnet at the moment because she's found out that Phil paid a couple of months' worth of rent for her at the B and B. I forgot to comment on that from Tuesday's episode, which goes to show in how much esteem I hold Shirley's character and how relevant I think she is at present.
(Cue a flurry of abusive messages and furied Twitter comments between Flying Monkey monalisa and her Emerald City wingman dullagj).
Shirley is irrelevant, and that's a shame, because Linda Henry is one of the strongest actresses in the show. The single biggest mistake Bryan Kirkwood made (well, one of many) was pandering to the lowest common denominator of viewer by putting Shirley with Phil as a couple, and then watching them fester.
Quite simply, they brought out the worst in each other. She encouraged him in the sort of activities in which he hadn't participated in years - handling stolen goods, condoning the pushing of drugs at the club, stealing money from his family - whilst she pranced and preened about Walford, snarling and threatening anyone who tried to get in her way by screeching, "Do you know who I am?"
Now, she's reduced to snarling a version of the same question in Phil's face, waiting for the answer she'll never hear:-
Who am I? Who am I?
Phil knows who she is, and whilst he's compassionate to her plight, he doesn't love her - no matter how much monalisa may fantasize and wax orgasmic at her imagination running wild with the thought that the love of Phil's life is Shirley, she simply isn't.
That was proven, once again, tonight, and it's proven each time the subject crops up, more by what Phil doesn't say, than by what he does.
Phil doesn't say that he loves her, and Phil doesn't say that he doesn't love Sharon. When Shirley broaches the subject of Phil loving or having loved Sharon, he doesn't correct her either way. He doesn't say he loves or that he loved Sharon, which implies that he still loves the woman he's loved for the past twenty years and hasn't attained. He won't even discuss why their relationship has (temporarily) ended.
The fact that Phil remarked that he and Shirley would have been married by now, had Heather not died, doesn't mean he regrets the fact that they aren't. He's stating a fact, but Heather's death had nothing to do with whether or not they'd have married. He actually asked Shirley to marry him (the last time), several months after Heather had been killed, and it was the day of their actual engagement party when Shirley found out that Ben had killed Heather, whilst Phil was off being distracted by Sharon.
The most interesting fact established tonight in Shirley's discussion with Phil was her reference to Sharon, especially the remark she made about havin to fill Sharon's shoes. We've heard her reference Sharon's unseen presence in her relationship with Phil before, so it's obvious she was well aware of Phil's feelings for Sharon and the depth of those feelings. We've all watched Shirley devolve into a human doormat at the altar of St Phil, knowing that he didn't love her, knowing that he was using her as a warm body - hearing him, tonight, refer to their previous relationship as their having been "mates" - not lovers, not a relationship proper, but "mates," friends with benefits; and all the time, she knew that if the day ever arrived that Sharon walzed back into Walford, Phil would walk, and he showed her that on the day Sharon turned up at their door.
She knows, even now, that Phil still loves Sharon, hence her remark to Sharon that Sharon was her problem.
For anyone believing Phil did what he did because he loved and still loves Shirley, it certainly wasn't out of character for Phil Mitchell to show compassion for someone who'd been a "mate". Phil paid for Dot's and Jim's wedding and honeymoon. He bought a laptop for Sonia when she started her nursing studies and looked after her in Jamie's name. He helped Michelle Fowler find Arthur and bring him home. And he was being honest when he suggested that maybe it might be for the best if Shirley went back to Carly's and lived with her daughter and grandson.
But Shirley's not about to do that, and it's not because of Heather, although she uses Heather as an excuse. During her pep talk with Shirley, Denise broached the subject as to whether or not Shirley still loved Phil - she as good as admitted that she did - and wondered if Shirley thought for a moment if Phil still had feelings for her. Almost at once, Shirley's hopes are raised, but then Denise continues, opining that once in a person's life, there's this love which comes along, which never leaves a person's psyche, something which stays with that person for the rest of his life, even if that love is lost.
I don't know if she were talking, in a personal sense, about Kevin or Owen or Lucas, or even Ian (although he isn't in the past as yet); but she struck a double epiphany with Shirley. At once, although we don't realise it until the next scene, Shirley twigs that as much as Heather was the one friendship that was constant in her life then so must Sharon still be for Phil. (She is). And thus, Phil must have been doing what he did for her, not out of natural compassion, but out of guilt for what happened to Heather, and his part in it.
Ergo, we have the final scene, where Shirley blackmails Phil ... again.
Think of a figure that I'm worth and then treble it, because I know stuff on you.
That's what this is all about, isn't it? Money in lieu not only to buy Shirl's silence, but also to make Shirley feel better about herself; because she failed Heather in a bigger way than Phil ever did. Everything of which she accuses Phil can be laid at her doorstep as well - because Shirley had the chance to shop Phil's involvement in the cover-up to the police and she didn't. Hell, she was even hiding the murder weapon and had to be coerced into handing the picture frame back to the Old Bill. And the one opportunity she had to tell the police of Phil's involvement, she didn't.
Because the sad and pathetic truth is that she loved and loves Phil. More than Heather. More than her daughter and grandson, which is why she returned to Walford. Just to be near Phil. If she can't be his lover, she'll be his nemesis. At one time, last year, she was threatening to shop him if he turned her out of his home. She wanted to live with him forever in the knowledge that she would be top dog in that relationship based solely on what she knew about him.
She can't shop him now. She'd get done, herself. And as long as she's in Walford, she'll never ever move on.
And before anyone thinks to suggest that Shirley will tell Sharon of Phil's words to silly Saint Dennis, she won't. Phil would never have told Shirley that secret; he didn't trust her enough.
Having said that, I hope DTC redeems Shirley, but not via any association with the Mitchells. If Shirley is to be redeemed, she needs her children about her; otherwise, she just needs to go.
The Bastard at the Family Reunion.
Now it's
Cindy the Greek has a funny voice and a dimpled chin. Photogenic, in action camera, her face has a masculine quality. The character supposedly has Italian blood, which probably means she has a moustache as well, which she's been taught to stripwax.
Much of the same old same old. The veritable bastard at the family reunion. She knows Peter's "secret" (he's not gay and he doesn't have a lovechild). Both her half-brother and half-sister, who are at pains to emphasize the half-arsed nature of the relationship, put her firmly in her place as regards the family relationship. As they point out, she's no relation at all to Bobby.
My question is this: What happened to Gina Williams?
Gina was Cindy Beale's sister, to whom Ian gave custody of Cindy's daughter. Gina raised the girl. She was living with her when Ian visited in 2007. OK, she'd turned into a bit of a nutcake then, so are we to assume that Gina's been sectioned, hence Bev Williams having the girl? Or is Gina working elsewhere? Or has she died off-screen or just been forgotten or never realised by the writers? I mean, if this crop of writers can forget that Sharon has known Janine from childhood, used to babysit her and dealt with her as an adolescent in 2001, then they could easily erase Gina from the equation.
It seems that Cindy's been living with Nana Bev ever since the twins arrived to live with her as well - so much so that they know exactly what a manipulative little madam she was.
The actress is strictly stageschool variety, and - at this point - I still feel that she is unnecessary to the proceedings. Another wildchild let loose in Walford. And where do these kids get their travel money. She'd packed and bought a ticket to London and knew enough of the city to get from Charing Cross or Victoria by tube to the East End and Walford. That's not cheap, even on student fares, for a fourteen year-old.
She's a manipulative little bitch, and if I were Denise, I'd watch my back; because if ever there were proof that Ian still loves Cindy (see above and Denise's reflective speech coming back to haunt her), then his capitulation to Cindy's flattering is not only evident of Ian's enormous ego and poor self-esteem, it's also evident that he still holds Cindy in some fond regard - as in the only woman he loved. He will only ever be fond of Denise.
I was actually glad she refused to fight Cindy the Greek's corner for her today, as it really wasn't her place to plea for a runaway to be given shelter with Ian. And, yes, Bev Williams did like Ian and she did condemn Cindy for her treatment of him. And, yes, Cindy didn't recognise a good thing when she saw it, nor will this girl, I believe.
Surplus to requirements, however much a legacy character she is, and another in a long line of whining, entitled adolescent girls who will never take responsibility for whatever she's done.
And if you're bringing back past characters, DTC, bring back Nick Holland, her dad, to ferret her away.
The Self-Pitying Liar and the Self-Perpetuating Virgin.
Instead, once again, we have to suffer the all-new-all-nice-all-selfless Lauren, played by ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS.
So because Lauren's been a bone-idle, selfish, self-centred, lazy, entitled little bitch for most of her life, throwing a pizza party for Abi the Dough-Faced Girl to celebrate her exams' results is going to make it all better for her, considering that she ripped up Abi's study aids. Maybe Lauren might like to start with apologising, sincerely, to her father for trying to kill him and for acting like his commanding officer every year since, demanding that he quit Walford in 2011 and never return, telling him just the other week that he couldn't tell her what to do, nor could he tell Abi.
Flitting about like a tawdry Mary Poppins is nothing. Maybe she'd like to contribute to the household budget by getting a real job, not just filing the odd MOT certificate for her father.
Abi the Dough-Faced Girl is just as bad. And just as unlikeable.
Oi, is this a retcon again? Or does Pete Lawson genuinely not know his arse from his elbow about A-Levels as opposed to AS exams?
Let's refresh. Abi turned seventeen in June. That was referenced. She's completing her AS year, the penultimate year of secondary schooling, post-sixteen. AS exams are not the same as A-Levels. AS exams do not determine whether or not you'll get into university or pursue the course you want. That's A-Levels. AS exams do not determine the future of a student, and that Abi was seen raking through The Walford Gazette, highlighting cleaning jobs as her only future is just evidence of the character's rank stupidity.
Abi can still proceed with A-Levels next year, although she'll have to do exceptionally well in her A2 modules to compensate for doing poorly in her AS work; or, she can simply re-sit the AS exams, taking a year to do a refresher course, then begin A2 work a year later.
And, of course, Abi, when the lie is revealed, blames Lauren - again, a plot device designed to make us feel sorry for Lauren. Lauren is certainly to blame for part of the problem; because during the latter part of her alcohol story, Max and Tanya were focused entirely on her; but then, remember, that Abi was also one of the people Lauren blamed for her own problem - and the fact that Max and Tanya were so proud of Abi's drive and ambition as well as her academic pursuits.
The real fact of the matter that both girls are responsible for their own inadequacies and all that leads back to the spoiled and entitled, mollycoddled lives they've been allowed to lead by their selfish parents. Really, both are as selfish as Max and Tanya. Abi was seen just as much goofing off with Jay, Lola and the unintelligible son of the Magic Negro as she was seen studying. In fact, she was seen to abscond doing coursework or revision to spend a day or an afternoon hanging out with "the future of Walford."
So, really, Abi, the fact that you didn't turn out to be the brightest lightbulb in the pack is as much down to you as to anyone else.
Grow up ... and lay off the carbs.
Observation: Anyone notice how tanned the rehab recluse Lauren was tonight in comparison with Abi the Dough-Faced Girl's dough-faced paleness?
Poopy-La-Vache Gets Milked.
This is the American version of Poopy.
Fatboy is stupid. He's tied to this passive-aggressive spoiled child, who throws a hissy fit because he's trying to surprise her. The whole non-storyline was stupid. Besides, if he's doing two jobs, surely the money he's making from the extra stint should go into their fund for a deposit for a flat, yes?
They'll never get any place this way.
Rachel Bright is thirty years old, as per her real biography. (Please, Luddites, don't get indignant and say she's twenty-seven; actresses always lie about their ages). The lack of lines in her face, which should be beginning to form as she approaches her fourth decade tells me botox is being generously used. Nice hair, shame about the lack of talent and the blandness of character.
If Poopy's only good enough for a storyline about left luggage, a tin of tuna and thinking her poor man's Ali G of a boyfriend is cheating on her, then she isn't really needed.
And why does Fatboy always go in for the big surprise with a girl who, at the end of the day, will only leave him for someone bigger, better, badder and sexier?
Go. Go now.
She Deserves Mo Respect.
We heard the sad news today that Laila Morse has been declared bankrupt. I know Big Mo has her detractors - those who say she only got the job on the show (with little experience beforehand) by virtue of being Gary Oldman's sister and those, who rightly point out that in 12 years on the show, she's never featured in a major storyline.
But I liked and like Mo. TPTB, prior to Newman, always used her to the best of her abilities - a background character, providing a bit of light relief and, occasionally, summing up some words of wisdom with good common sense. She worked well with Alfie and Kat, and one of her finest moments came when she read Kat the riot act about her liaison with Derek at Christmas, coming down on Alfie's side and defending him as family to Roxy on Boxing Day, her last proper episode.
Tonight, in only the second appearance she's made this year, she was revealed as the infamous vegetable thief, a punch-ball figure in the ludicrous romance of Ollie and Jean. Still, she got the line of the night:-
Big Bobby Ollie in a romance with a secret fruitcake whose daughter's on the run.
Truer words were never spoken thus. The vegetable thief story and it's stupid booby trap were bad enough for someone who's served the show well for twelve years; the fact that, in the light of day, she was made to kit out in camouflage gear and war paint was even more disgusting.
I want Laila Morse back. She has history and family in the Square. I hope DTC reinstates her. I'd much rather see her in matriarch or battle-axe mould than the hapless, drunken old toad known as Cora-the-Bora.
Decent episode, considering the excess baggage.
Final Observations:
1. Sadie is so Lola's mother. The tone of her voice when she gave Lola permission to go to the "not really a party" coupled with the look she gave Lola as she toddled off was totally maternal.
2. For the benefit of the troll on Digital Spy shipping the fact that Poopy lost her job on Tuesday, for lying, she didn't. At the beginning of today's episode, when Poopy was talking with Fatboy, she mentioned being late for work. Sadie merely gave Poopy a warning on Tuesday, saying that she'd been given to believe that Poopy and Lola worked well as a team. She was even still intending to go for a drink with the girls after work. Poopy obviously quit off-screen, in a huff and spur of the moment, when she knew Fatboy was lying to her. Poopy quit, she wasn't sacked.
I actually punched the air and shouted "YES!" when Fat Abi failed her exams. I KNEW this would happen! Made my evening.
ReplyDeleteThough you're right that she's doing A/S. The English exam she took in January was (oh-so-cleverly) scheduled on the same day as a real life A/S English Lit module, the one which I examine. Still, I'm not really bothered as long as she's miserable for whatever reason.