A Tale of Two Walfords - Review: 16.08.2013

It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night
From OVERKILL.

Get the picture? Huh? Huh? Do ya geddit? Do ya geddit? Huh? Huh?

Overkill. Too much of one thing ... as in Brannings.

For the better part of the year, this family has totally dominated the proceedings on EastEnders. In fact, they've been the dominating force, in force, since 2010. Bryan Kirkwood started the serious infestation, and Lorraine Newman continued it. Along with the infestation of the poor white trash rat-like Brannings, there's also an infestation of yoof, several of whom are either Brannings or Branning satellites, including ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS.

EastEnders is an ensemble show. Like M*A*S*H or ER. Or Holby City. There's never a stand-out star in such shows. People may be more noticeable and leave for bigger and better things. Hey, George Clooney started out in ER, way down the credits list. But ER went on a good few years after Clooney left.

I recall Matthew Robinson, who gave the show its first real go-to girl in Mel Healy Owen, played by Tamsin Outhwaite, saying that the real star of the programme was its constant, the Queen Vic; but since 2010, the only constant has been Max Branning's front room, in which we almost always see the current star of the show, Lauren.

It's always been noted that whenever the Mitchells, as a family, are down and out or just not present, the show suffers. From 2003 until 2005, not even the contrived Watts Family Mach II or the gangsta presence helped the show in the absence of the Mitchells. The Mitchell presence is almost non-existent now, but what's been also noticeable is that the Brannings have come to dominance, along with the yoof and the ascendancy of All Things Lauren, just at the time when viewers are turning away and turning off.

Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not. But those people who have stayed with the show since its early beginnings notice the disrespect of history, the retconning, the poor writing, continuity and research and abysmal characterisation of established characters, with even more abysmal characterisation of those whom we are asked to love and admire.

Lorraine Newman hasn't got it all wrong, however. She stated right at the beginning of her tenure that she aimed to repair Kat and re-unite the Moons; and damn it, she's done the one and is about to achieve the other. Her other achievement was the casting of Daniel Coonan as Carl White. That was fucking inspirational and, indeed, provided the only scenes worth watching tonight in what was, otherwise, a pretty tripey episode - or in other words, a normal one.

The standard, I fear, is low these days.

Anyway, like the opening words of Dickens's Tale of Two Cities ...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

We certainly saw that tonight.

The Best of Times

Carl.

OK, credit where credit is due. Newman called this one, and Daniel Coonan is easily the best casting made on this show in absolute years.

He's not a pretty boy, he's not a cheeky chappy or a weird psychopath or a caricatured cartoon villain. He's not a laddish ladies' man. In other words, he's not Dennis or Alfie or Michael or Derek. He's not even Tyler Moon or Max Branning.

He's a villain, yes; but - like Phil Mitchell and Janine Butcher - he shows promise of being a complex character. He has a family, with whom he has issues. He's an ex-drug dealer and an addict. He's in love with Krusty (and that takes some doing). Where you hated Derek and found Andy Hunter cheesy, a viewer can easily like Carl.

Take tonight, for example. Max Branning shopped him to the police, identifying him as a drug dealer. For the duration of this sequence with the police and involving Kim and Patrick at the B and B, Carl is sympathetic. He is a victim. The police find no drugs; to all intents and purposes, he is innocent. In actual fact, the only drugs they manage to fine on him are prescription beta blockers, which indicates he may have a mild heart condition or hypertension, especially considering the way he was hyperventilating.

In all of the ensuing scenes of Max shouting the odds and threatening and Patrick and Kim coming the moral high ground, Carl plays the innocent, even when Patrick orders him out of the B and B.

It's then we see the real Carl, the depth. The big wad of charlie he'd formerly offered to Adam was subsequently hidden in the bag of chips he was seen eating immediately prior to the arrival of the police and deposited in the wheelie bin outside the B and B. He retrieved this, after lifting Max's posh iPhone from the pocket of his jacket.

Carl has a plan.

In all of these scenes, with Max shouting the odds and Krusty shouting down Max, Carl never raises his voice. In fact, the tone of his voice is calm and even concerned. Asking Max about the ubiquitous Lauren, Max takes this as a threat. He's right to do so. It's Carl's subtle way of sending Max a message.

The second message, given via the Golden Girl, was that Max should really password protect his phone, which means Max knows Carl's got some sort of info from the cellphone; and that's when the final confrontation occurs - when Carl sets out his plan for undoing Max, but he's not really explicit. He just tells Max that he realises now that Max has a temper, and Max's weak point is Lauren. (Funny, I could have sworn it was Abi - ah well, Abi the Dough-Faced Girl snorts, is overweight and acts like a child. She's not a pretty person like Lauren).

And whilst Carl never tells Max exactly what he's going to do or even if he really is going to torment him, he plants the seed of suspicion in Max's mind.  Whatever, whenever anything bad or out of the ordinary happens, Max will be left to wonder whether it's down to Carl ... or down to Max.

This is the beginning of a real storyline. It's going to be a corker.

Observation: Krusty is so much better with Carl than with Max. You wonder why she's with him. Neither man is traditionally handsome. In fact, Max looks like the human counterpart of that damned Geico Gecko he voices ...

Just a damned shame that the omnipresent Lauren has to stink it up.

The Worst of Times

Sorry to say, they outweigh the good.

The Continuing Redemption of Lauren Branning.

Boy, when Newman redeems, she really rams it down the viewers' throats. Kat was so bloody unlikeable, that when Newman immediately turned her into the repentant Magdalene in the wake of discovering Derek was her shaggerman, that she was just as unlikeable as before. Even if people were beginning to be swayed by her conversion, we had to watch her bullying Tamwar, fighting Roxy and blaming everyone in sight for her woes - everyone except herself.

It wasn't until mid-summer, in a few choice scenes with Alfie, followed by the Grand Epiphany two weeks ago, that we finally came to believe in her redemption. Or was it simply that we resigned ourselves to the fact that she and Alfie would be re-united and she would finally learn from her wretched and abusive behaviour and own up to her responsibility.

Lauren's become the penitent, self-perpetuating Virgin, but she's just as repulsive and unlikeable as before. It's overkill, pure and simple. And decidedly bad acting.

The girl is pretty, but she cannot act. She's too aware of the camera and seeks it out in fear that it isn't seeking her enough.

Once again, the bulk of the action tonight centred around Lauren, who was in practically every scene or affected it.

We start with yet another Branning get-together, celebrating Abi the Dough-Faced Girl's terrific exam results.

(Let's get something straight right here: Abi took AS exams, not A-Levels. She's only just turned seventeen. The big ones come next year. All these do is help the student weed out the three intended exams (or four) he or she wants to concentrate on during their last year before college. Doing badly - as Abi really has done [she's lying, folks] - doesn't mean you can't go to university.)

But in EastEndersLand, it will.

Anyway, we're having yet another Branning meal, to celebrate Abi the Dough-Faced Girl's results and the departure of the hoary old drunk Cora-the-Bora, who's off to pull a massive drunk in the West Country, with Tanya. I wonder, since Tanya's paid a fortune for Lauren's treatment, as she's walked early, if Tanya and Cora can admit themselves to dry out.

Naahh, didn't think so. That's a family tradition.

And here's another important development in characterisation ... before our eyes, we're seeing Joey morph into Jack, who'll soon be departing.

Several friends who are long-term viewers reckon David Witts, another long on looks, high on steroids and short on talent (and articulace) will be for the chop, especially under the tenure of DTC.

I'm not so sure. If Simon Ashdown remains at the helm, Joey will stay as one of the only two remaining adult Brannings left, and Ashdown likes Max to have another adult male relative off whom to bounce. Witts admires Jake Wood to the point of imitating him. I don't know whether he thinks this makes him seem more like Max's nephew - who was brought up away from the Branning fold, and who has a well-spoken sister like Max's late son Bradley - but Witts tries his damnedest to sound like Wood.

Wood sometimes mumbles his lines, and he's difficult to understand; but Witts mumbles his lines all the time, even when he isn't speaking sotto voce, and in his first scene tonight, when he came to Max's house. Not only that, but now that Tanya's departed, Joey seems to have a predilection to referring repeatedly to Lauren as "babe." 

Just. Like. Max.

He's no longer hanging about in the background, with maximum two lines per episode; he's now interacting exclusively with Max. Were Scott Maslen not leaving the show - indeed, he's actually left - then we would have seen Jack at the R and R yesterday, manning up with his bruv against Carl. That would have made sense, especially since Jack is an ex (and bent) copper. What would be sublimely interesting is Carl knowing Jack in their previous "professional" lives.

There ya go, Newman, another missed opportunity for the sake of the steroidically-enhanced underwear model.

Which takes us to the the worst scene of the night.

Lauren still has it for Joey - the incest thing, I mean, which is why she follows him to the club, where he's preparing for singles' night. The place looks like a bordello, and that's fitting, because Whitney enters just then, there to "help" Joey, and looking like a total whore - in other words, normal.

It's always difficult to feel sorry for Whitney when she simply manages to look like a slut. I'm still amazed at the way these women in this show all wear false eyelashes on a daily basis. Whitney looks like greased sausage meat, melted and poured into clothing two sizes too small.

In contrast, EastEnders' make-up department have ensured that Lauren is subtly made up, pale lipstick (glossed to emphasize the collagened upper lip) and no false boob cleavage.) Lauren is a veritable nun.

Now we have a parable here. First the penitent Lauren confesses her guilt from the other evening at having gulped some vodka, nicked a bottle from the club and tried to drink it. This prompts instant judgement from Whitney the pure.

I don't think you should be here, Lauren.

(OK, I detest Lauren, but I hate, loathe and despise the judgemental, arrogant and insipid Whitney, who's suddenly an expert in everything and nothing.)

Poor pitiful Lauren runs out crying, but returns angry. Feisty Lauren.

And here's where the sucking starts.

The camera plays on her all the fucking time in this scene, and it becomes a tour de force for her staple acting techniques - the high-pitched screechy voice, raised in indignation; the goggled eyes; the gurning- oh, she is a gurning girl; the windmill arms on display, emphasized by the sleeveless ensemble she was wearing.

The whole scene stank. It was instructional public service quality acting at its best, amateurish and poorly written at its worst. Witts was laughable at emoting Joey's guilt. I kept wondering where the teleprompter was. McGarty recited her lines by rote. Jossa just did what she always does - overacts, gurns and plays to the camera, always always aware of the camera. The tragedy is that too many people - mostly hormonally-challenged adolescent boys and little girls recognise this as good acting. I pity them.

Yes, she calls them out on their hypocrisy, but she then declares herself a success. Really, Lauren? Because your counsellor from the old plantation wanted to give you a standing ovation? For what? For turning down drink? 

As anyone will tell you, an alcoholic is always recovering. Day by day. For every day you eschew a drink, you're still recovering. You never fully recover. Ever. Because it's easy to fall off the wagon, but difficult to climb back on. In fact, the only realistic assessment of her problem and encouragement came from Carl, who told her he had to be drink-free for six years. Had to be. You don't do the booze inside. That gives you strength, he says, but Lauren thinks he's weird.

Because Lauren's Supergirl, ya know.

And Lauren is so strong and such a supergirl, that she doesn't need friends like Whitney anymore - she's right there. With friends like that skank, who needs enemies? Nor does she need friends like Joey. Well, Joey's not a friend, he's a relative, and she should say that she doesn't need to fuck relatives anymore.

She has ... wait for it ... fairmly.

(And here's where Newman is trying, desperately trying, to get the Mitchell sense of family in the jumped up poor white trailer trash Brannings.)

SuperLauren returns home to rescue Lying Abi-the-Dough-Faced Girl from a celebration she doesn't want and is too cowardly to admit why she doesn't want it.

Abi: Why are you doing this?

Lauren: Because I'm your big sister.

(Sounds familiar ... wait ... who was that masked man? I wanted to thank him). Cue Lone Ranger music ...

And so the Lone Lauren takes her seat at the head of the family table and does, further, what she does best. As Cora, Krusty and Max suck on their whiskies, when Max objects to Abi being absent, Lauren lays down the law. Abi can do what she likes. When you get three A's - sorry, FREE A's, according to Lauren's diction - you can do anything you want. Ne'mind, you live in a house and contribute nothing to the housekeeping, rent or larder.

Lauren's the boss. Again. Like always. And Max buys it. Lauren is a still a spoiled, unlikeable, entitled brat, and I want her slapped down.

Awful inverted morality play.

Question: Why wasn't Dot invited around to this takeaway feast? As was, she was being foisted out of her own home by Poopy-La-Dim. It wasn't that long ago that Dot, as matriarch of the Branning ensemble, was handing them their asses, and tonight, they neglect to invite her around? After all, Dot did offer a quiet environment in which Abi could study.

Poopy-the-Passive-Agressive and the Geeks.

Fatboy and Poopy-La-Dim arrange a blind date for Tamwar and Alice.

Fucking give me strength. This occurs after an entirely pointless scene where Poopy becomes belligerant because Fatboy causes her to drop sweet pea seeds onto the kitchen floor, and she thinks she's killed them. Prince Charles talks to plants. Poopy-La-Dim talks to seeds and calls them her children.

She is seriously stupid and not even funny. Amongst the ranks of Village Idiots past, Poopy makes Little Mo, Honey, Heather, Bianca and Creepy Jean look like Einstein. But - Bianca apart - Poopy's got a mean, manipulative and passive-aggressive streak in her. She's tactless and controlling. 

Dot was right to complain about her ageist attitude and to object at being forced from her home when it wasn't convenient for her. Poopy is a lodger, FFS, and it's doubtful she even pays rent.

She couldn't even properly cook the meal created for Tamwar and Alice. And - did my eyes deceive me - or was Tamwar actually drinking wine? He's supposedly teetotal for religious purposes, and Alice simply doesn't drink; but there they were tonight, with two bottles of red between them. Once again, retconning - changing the character to suit the storyline.

Tamwar mentions Zainab, the first in his household to do so; Alice mentions her beloved dad, whom she only knew for less than a year. They eat fish fingers, go to a film and kiss.

The less said about that, the better. 

Meantime, Fatboy leaves his phone in the Vic. Some of these people who wouldn't be able to afford a Smartphone or an iPhone, sport them casually, and leave them about - like Fatboy. So Poopy-La-Dim reads his messages and finds one from a girl thanking him "for last night."

I hope this is her leaving line.

Tarts in the Mart.

Bianca referenced an "ex-husband." Pray, when did she and Ricky obtain a divorce? Bianca doesn't have enough money to feed her kids, after her regular trips to the pub. Where did she find solicitor's fees, as divorce isn't covered by Legal Aid in Cameron's Britain.