Teen Week: When Bad Means Bad - Review: 29.08.2013

Well, like the song says, sometimes "bad" is bad, and that's what this week has been. 

It's a well-known fact that EastEnders sinks to the bottom of the pile everytime it features its teens or pseudo-teens exclusively.

At this moment in time, on the troll site of Digital Spy forums, there's a battle raging between the few sensible members who post there and some latent millenials taking advantage of the last few days before the school term begins - people like the arrogant DUNDEEBOY who posts with one finger down his trousers when discussing anything to do with Jacqueline Jossa, who has not been missed this week - about whether or not EastEnders is geared for the younger element.

It's not.

It's not a niche soap. It never was. It was meant to cater for the broad spectrum that is British society - where one sees the elderly, the 25 to 60 element and then the youth. The materially productive element was usually the largest demographic and centred most of the action. The youth got their own moment in the sun, but usually worked better when they interacted with older cast members. This is the dynamic - apart from the godawful Ches-neh and Ka-teh borefest - on Coronation Street.

EastEnders always was grounded in its realism, and that meant its characters were usually people you could pass daily in the street and not notice - unlike today's offering of physically beautiful youth, most of whom step straight from the pages of down-market catalogue advertising, and their lack of talent shows.

As someone pointed out, the longer EastEnders continues to cater to this demographic - for economic purposes or otherwise - older, more established viewers (and this now includes the Shannis-shippers) will continue to turn off.

The Spoiled Brat.

Whoever created the character of Dexter needs to be taken out and slapped. Not only is he an affront to the Afro-Caribbean community, he's the most spoiled brat ever to appear on the show, bar Dennis Rickman Jnr - and Denny's excuse is that he's a child. Dexter is twenty years old.

It's also almost incredible that Phil Mitchell would entrust two youngsters like Dexter and Jay, one a blatant idiot, with a transaction like delivering an expensive vehicle to a stranger and accepting money in return. If Phil had done that, he would have delivered the car, taken the money and left, pronto. Ten grand is a lot of money, and not to be trusted with any of that lot, bar - perhaps - Peter.

It's patently obvious and has been so ever since we saw "Bob" take possession of the car that he saw that lot coming a mile off - which means that Kitty and her "dad" took the money. The phonecall from him was obviously an arrangement whereby her message to him was code to tell when it would be ripe to raid the caravan.

It was quite amusing to see him go into cartoon electric shock mode and start accusing everyone of theft. I really wanted Peter to smack him, because it's time someone did. His putrid mother obviously never did, nor did she ever instill in him the necessity of speaking properly.

The words, or pseudo-words I've come to hate most from this programme are "babe" and "innit" - and Dexter uses "innit" so much that the sub-titles actually ignore it now. And it was risible the way he referred to his family connection with Abi, when he accused her of the theft.

Abi: Dexter! We're cousins!
Dexter: But in our family, that ain't ever mattered before, innit?

First of all, there's this constant, constant reiteration of the fact that Abi and Dexter are cousins. Not once, but again and again. In fact, in almost every episode, he refers to her as "cuz". One year ago, this guy was a stranger to the Brannnings. They didn't even know he existed. He's as much a relation to them as Bianca is to Peter Beale, but there isn't even half the established connection and history there. Bianca's father and Peter's father are half-brothers. They are the sons of the legendary Pete Beale; and even though we never saw David, the older brother, until after Pete had died, we knew about David, knew there was an older son.

Dexter is an add-on and a retcon. He wasn't even part and parcel of Cora's backstory, he was an added appendage to that - added and left undeveloped.  And because of that underdevelopment, he was slotted in as a caricatured black urban youth, who took up some of Jay's screentime and further emasculated Jay.

He knows jack shit enough to reference anything that happened in Abi's family, and besides, his connection with Abi is through her equally putrid mother, so that history, apart from drug and alcohol addiction and a propensity to breaking up marriages, is something we know little about.

The long-term viewer have known for ages that Peter Beale and Bianca Butcher were first cousins, but the references to the Beale-Butcher connection are few and far between. In fact, there's never been any reference by Peter to his relationship with Bianca and only one from Lucy. But at every opportunity, we get the "cuz" shit from Abi and Dexter shoved down our throats. 

Dexter grew up with loving and supportive grandparents - Ava's adoptive parents, who are, presumably, still alive. Yet he calls that stinking old toad of a drunk, Cora, "nan," and immediately started calling Tanya "Auntie Tanya."

I get it. Newman wants to show the world how clued-up, how rainbow politically correct she is by setting the Brannings up as a now racially and culturally diverse family (hidden meaning: The Brannings are the world), she's pissing on us if we think we find this believeable.

Yes, I can believe that Cora had a bi-racial baby in a time when unmarried mothers were taboo, much less unmarried mothers having babies of another race; but more realistic, would have been the prissy, hypocritical and nasty-nice Tanya turning up her nose at the Hartman non-invasion of her familial space. Ava hasn't committed this transgression, to her credit; but Dexter has.

He's no more Abi's cousin than he is a stranger to her. He's an acquaintance, who knows nothing of her or her history, and likewise she is the same to him.

So let's stop this "cuz" business, because it isn't working. It doesn't make him any more likeable because Abi's a particularly nasty little piece of work at the worst of times.

Dexter never acts like anything more than an aggressive, spoiled brat. Even Cindy the Greek had him pegged in the episode when they were sat at that picnic area, with him sulking and his hoodie pulled up over his funny, pointed ears. 

He speaks atrociously, he's rude, he's aggressive and he's got the behavioural mannerisms of a spoiled punk brat.

If Phil Mitchell doesn't "slap him dahn," I hope he's first on the list of DTC's cannings.

The Wannabe Nothing and The Fat Girl.

<giggle giggle snort snort>

And so it goes ... the constant discussion of Abi and Jay's future in the wake of a possible pregnancy.

One is as bad as the other, and this association should stop forthwith. I do hope after all that transpires, that this is the end of Jabi. They've always seemed like a skinny street punk wanting to have it off with a girl who looked and acted like a twelve year-old.

Abi still hasn't peed on the damned stick, and now Jay's singing a different tune. She doesn't know it (or maybe he does), but he knows that he said the wrong thing and now he's got to say the right thing to get her onside.

The gist is this: He's emotionally black-mailed her before when she said she'd want a termination, so now he thinks if he can just go along with what she's saying, there'll be time enough to talk her around to having the baby - if there is, indeed, a baby.

Abi was brutally honest with him: She was too young to have a baby, and so was he. Jay was honest enough to admit that he was both scared and excited at the prospect of fatherhood, but Abi wouldn't be swayed. Even with Jay's lip-serviced response that he'd stand by her whatever she decided, we all know that he'd use every means of emotional blackmail to force her to have a child, and if she didn't, he'd dump her.

So Abi takes the test and tests him:

You realise that if it's positive, I'm going to do something that you probably won't like.

And Jay's arrogantly presumptuous:

No, you won't. Because I know you better than you know yourself.

Really, Jay? I don't think you do. Abi is bound and determined to go to university and to be a vet. With such strongly stated ambitions, I hope the new EP of the show doesn't forget this and contrive to keep her on the Square. Abi knows, as she stated, that she was well too young to deal with a child. Abi will never allow anyone to force her into doing something she doesn't want to do - not even Max and Tanya. The only thing this episode has proven to her, I hope, is how vastly different her desires and ambitions are to those of Jay.

The reveal of the result, as well, proves to the greatest extent, just how immature both these people really are. The result is negative. Abi's reaction?

<giggle giggle snort> We're all right then.

(Everything back to normal).

Jay's reaction is to storm off, like a spoiled brat (see above) who didn't get what he wanted. And he makes a beeline for the pub, where he connects with the ubiquitous Kitty.

That country pub really annoyed me. Yes, rustically countrified, but what was all this easy listening music being piped into the background? Like something out of a sophisticated Sixties' film?

One locally drafted beer after another and a few cheesy lines of dialogue ...

Kitty: You here all alone?
Jay: I'm not alone. You're here.

And suddenly you're getting the stock lines normally issued by a drunken, middle-aged man opening up over a beer to a jaded cocktail waitress ... "My girlfriend hates me ..." That sort of thing, followed by a kiss and the awful Dexter duff-duff. 

So this is Jay "cheating" on Abi? Please, pull the other one.

Pygmalion.

Instead of Higgins and Eliza, imagine - if you will - Peter and Lola:-

If this is and incipient romance, I like it. I like the idea of the well-spoken, middle-class boy taking a fancy to the cockney sparrow EastEnd orphan, and I hope this works.

A lot of people are complaining on various forums about how Ian's children are all posh, whilst no one comments the same about Max's children. I find this situation more realistic than that of the common as ditchwater Ava the teacher and her pisspoor unintelligible some. Equally unrealistic is Joey the gob and his well-spoken sister Alice.

We all want better for our children than what we had, and gor the longest time, I always thought Ian Beale had university on the horizon for his children. He's not particularly badly spoken, himself, and Ian is the sort of social mover and climber who'd want his children to speak well, with received pronunciation, instead of sounding like some Cockney spivs, which is why I find it difficult to believe Peter's returned home to Walford and a future of standing on a fruit'n veg stall.

The same goes for the Branning girls. An inverted snob like Tanya would want nothing working class to be attached to any of her children, and we need to remember as well, that Bradley spoke miles better than Max.

Anyway, it's obvious now why Peter returned to Walford and what his "secret" is. He's being eaten up with guilt because his friend drowned whilst swimming and they were both drunk. He feels responsible.

The scene where he opens up to Lola by the side of the mucky lake was easily the best scene of the night, and it speaks volumes for the decision to associate Ben Hardy with Danielle Harold's character - a romantic liaision to develop between two of the most talented young actors on the show is to be commended.

Hardy's LAMDA training sticks him out from the other one-dimensional common-and-garden celebrity fame academy "talents" and assorted catalogue models who populate the show; and Harold's one of the best natural young talenst to come along in years.

Peter's confession was a difficult one, and Hardy did it well, drawing out the story in almost a recitational style, illustrating how difficult this was for him, the only way to confront it being to distance himself from the event, itself, and recite the turn of events in almost a dispassionate manner. This style added to the pathos of the moment, a moment so great and so intense in a confessional was this, that Lola had to walk away, horrified, in order to take this moment in.

She wasn't disgusted, she was horrified and shocked and affected to the core, and sometimes when you hear a confession so incongruent to the personality of the person you've essentially just met, you have to step back and examine what was said and then relate it to the sort of person you imagine your new-found acquaintance to be before making a decision.

Great scene. Great pairing.

Far more interesting than the rankness of your Laurens, your Whitneys or your Joeys.

A Fool and His Money.

If there be any doubt about how big a fool Billy Mitchell is, this episode gave you full evidence.

Billy has a granddaughter and a great-granddaughter for whom he must provide. Even though Lola is working as an apprentice hairdresser, she doesn't yet earn enough to provide fully for Lexi's needs. So she's dependent on "Pops."

Billy wins a bundle on a horse race, so instead of taking this cash and stashing it for Lola to use on essential things that Lexi needs, he takes it and blows it on buying a designer shirt for himself, paying Kim fifty quid to look after Lexi all afternoon, and treat a veritable stranger he fancies (who isn't such a beauty, herself) to a slap-up meal of bubbly and lobster, as well as a trip up West for some fancy shopping. He's promised Lola he'd pick up an article of clothing for Lexi she'd laid by and he's delayed even doing that.

When Kim susses this bird is only impressed with Billy's ability to spend, she spills the beans about Billy's wealth. Now Billy's off to look for whatever her name was - Tara.

As John Lennon would say, "This bird has flown."

I hope Lola's justifiably angry with Billy.

Almost the End for Creepy Jean.

Is Jean having an episode? I'm not so sure. I think she used the fact that she may have seen to have been having a manic episode to get one back on Alfie for suggesting, reasonably, that Jean should apprise Ollie of her medical condition.

In fact, the more I think of it, the more I think this really was Jean's intention. Pretend to be going through a manic phase and then blurt out what you perceive to be the truth behind Alfie's affections for Roxy. You expose Alfie, you hurt Roxy, and you don't get the blame because - oh well, that's Jean, and she's bi-polar. All's forgiven, but what does it accomplish?

In the end, I'm glad Roxy swiped her phone and rang Ollie. I actually liked the way Jean rabidly explained her "affliction" and then assumed this was the end as far as Ollie was concerned, actually walking out on him.

I know this is part of her leaving line, which is over shortly, and I know his association with the show ends with Jean's departure, but I like Ollie, and I'd have liked to have seen him stay on as a character, although Jean does annoy men.

Teen Week spoiled this episode.