Love Hurts - Review: 01.08.2013

In the wake of Dominic Treadwell-Collins being appointed Executive Producer, the question on all the lips of the numpties who populate Digital Spy and the bullybois who hang out on Walford Web is this: Who will get the axe?

Unfortunately, in Numpty- and BullyboiLand, it seems that the Luddites want to see Alfie go - even be killed off - and Kat stay. There's even a worryingly large contingent advocating the return of the appalling Slater Family. Honestly, sometimes I think these people are caught up in a timewarp, not even realising that the Slater sisters would now be women well into their forties, living under the same roof, screeching the rafters down, socialising with no one but each other.

We'd rid the Square of creepy Jean only to be forced to suffer the insipid gurning, hunched shoulders and wail of Little Mo's oooooooooh Billleeeeeeeee. Then there'd be Lynne's scowl as she doled out sausage and chips at the cafe and put in a shift at the launderette. We'd be forced to endure occasional visits from Belinda, in her latest wig, stopping by long enough to fuck Joey or Jay or whatever man under the age of thirty hanging out on the streets of Walford.

Zoe could even return and fight her muvvah for whatever bit of male totty happened to be on offer.

Been there, done that.

As for axing Alfie, I admit that, as DTC likes the Mitchells and likes them in the Vic, that the odds are that the Moons will be out. Whether that means Shane Richie will leave or not, I don't know.

As tonight's episode proved, when the script is right and when Richie's used properly, he's one of the strongest actors in the show. The character of Alfie Moon, like that of his wife and Phil Mitchell and Sharon and Bianca and even Max Branning, has been appallingly written since his return in 2010. Alfie Moon was never a doormat or a weak man, not that any of the self-proclaimed bastions of omniscience on either forum would admit. But then, neither was Phil Mitchell ever a thug nor Bianca a retard.

Subsequent to the Shaggerman reveal and even before, the problem with the writing for Alfie is that the inept writers appear to be writing Alfie as if he were Shane Richie, when Alfie Moon is supposed to be vastly different from the man who portrays him. That's what acting is all about.

Another thing that people won't accept is that the audience, as a whole, haven't seen enough of Alfie and Kat as pub landlords from their first stint. After their 2003 Christmas marriage, they were separated for most of the time until they reunited to leave on their second anniversary, owing to Jessie Wallace's numerous suspensions and her pregnancy. Quite truthfully, we don't know how Kat and Alfie would have fared as pub landlords, and not now, because when they returned, they returned with retconned baggage and walked into an atrocious storyline, quite possibly the storyline which came close to ruining the programme as a whole.

I wouldn't be so quick to write Alfie off, and if he's removed from the Vic, I hope DTC comes up with the sort of alternate employment that's a sweetener for Shane Richie to stay in Walford. It goes without saying, however much EastEnders 2.0 crowd might deny it, there are iconic couples in EastEnders' history - people who work well together and shouldn't be separated - and Alfie and Kat are such a couple.

Examples?

• Arthur and Pauline. Wendy Richard was right in maintaining that a widowed Pauline would never have remarried.
• Pat and Frank. Pat and Frank worked; Peggy and Frank, not so much.
• Sharon and Grant (much much more than Sharon and fey Dennis)
• Ricky and Bianca (and DTC should be on the phone continuously to get Sid Owen to return).
• Zainab and Masood (the family are zombies without her)
• Max and Tanya (however much their constant break-ups and make-ups annoyed us)
• Mel and Steve.

Notice I left out two supposed couples - Ronnie and Jack and Carol and David. Ronnie and Jack had no real chemistry, and Carol and David were, in reality, nothing more than an adolescent bunk-up that devolved into two instances of comfort sex.

I'm all for Alfie staying. With Kat. But her cheating has to stop.

The theme of tonight's episode was obviously LOVE HURTS. As the lead-in to a Simon Ashdown episode, it was one of Pete Lawson's better ones, but there were a couple dodgy moments with bad lines and even worse acting.

The Tale of Two Slappers

Whitney Smells a Fart.

Remember Joey Tribbiani from Friends and his smell-the-fart acting technique?

W-e-e-l-l-l, three guesses who went to the Joey Tribbiani Correspondence School of Acting (entrance applications found on the back of Beano comics)?

Note the facial expression. It was seen in the duff-duff scene in Tuesday's episode and was repeated tonight when Tyler was sent around to the Jackson-Butcher abode so Whitney could "put on her war paint and fight for him."

The moment Whitney spouted the euphemistic line: I don't know why I did it, Tyler (which was just another way of saying I'm a dirty girl), Tyler looked as though Whitney had cut a stinky one and beat a hasty retreat to the door.

That's smell-the-fart acting. Joey Tribbiani would be proud.

Yes, folks, Whitney is a dirty girl, but we all knew that, didn't we? Except she has another way of saying that fated line. Bianca demanded to know if Whitney loved Tyler. The lengthy hesitation she got in return before Whitney muttered a hesitant "yes" should have told her that the little slut didn't love him at all. Tyler had turned into the boring, dependable bloke who'd keep her safe and give her respectability. Joey's the bad boy who creamed her knickers and stained his sheets.

In that morning scene around the Butcher breakfast table, I found it funny that Whitney's face was scrubbed clean of make-up, save for the ubiquitous eyeliner and incongruous that Bianca told her to don her war paint and fight for Tyler. Whitney, in make-up, looks like a dirty, little slut.

And she's yet another victim, who can never ever take responsibility for her actions.

Another irony was Tyler seeking advice from Alfie. It seems that Derek and Joey Branning, father and son, had both dipped their wicks in women of or associated with the Moon family. Tyler, understandably, is having trouble with Whitney's infidelity. Oddly, Alfie tells him that if this were just a lapse, a one-off, and if Tyler truly loved Whitney, he should simply man up and carry on with the relationship. That's an odd piece of advice, considering the fact that Alfie's tolerated at least four of Kat's "one-offs" until she engaged in a full-fledged affair with Derek. Ah, but that was all Derek's fault ... or was it Alfie's ... or maybe Roxy's? I can't remember, but it wasn't Kat's; and all the other one-offs weren't Kat's fault either. She was a dirty girl, remember?

And here we have a dirty girl moment, after the worst fight ever in EastEnders, fought by two of the three worst actors in the show, which resulted in Whitney and Tyler, again in the Butcher kitchen, with Whitney ministering to Tyler's wounds and rabbiting on about Tony, how he talked to her, how he made her feel special.

Of course, Tyler doesn't understand Whitney's need to discuss Tony in the wake of his death, especially since she's never done so before. Not only is he very young, in terms of dealing with a situation like this, even Alfie, eventually gave up trying to tolerate Kat's incessant need to misbehave, psychologically abuse him and then disclaim any responsibility for her actions. 

In fairness, at least she warns him, in a Dirty Girl 2.0 moment, entirely reminiscent of that time in the autumn of 2011, when Kat confessed to Alfie about her knee-trembler in the alleyway with the deliveryman. only to tell him ultimately that, well, this was the way she was and he could just like it or lump it.

Whitney put it a bit more nicely.

Tyler: I don't understand why you keep talkin' about'im, Whit.

Whitney: I don't understand why I do it, eever; but hit's part o'me, an' if you don't understand it, I'll only'urt you again.

Meaning? Simple. I'm a dirty girl, and if you don't let me cop off with a bad boy every now and then, our relationship isn't worth having. I have to call the shots. I can do what I want, but you can't; and if you look at another bird, I'll kick off and castrate you.

Lawson's done a better job that Kirkwood's writers did in showing Whitney's obvious low self-esteem and the fact that, because of her abuse, she feels she's entitled to nothing - not happiness, not a good job, nothing. Not even The Magic Negro - who actually has an office in the Community Centre - could help her.

TPTB never did that with Kat; therefore, one is marginally able to see Whitney's dilemma, even if we don't sympathise with the little slut.

Some observations: Bianca is wrong when she says that Tyler is the only boy who's never walked all over Whitney. I'd say there were more male victims over whom Whitney blithely trampled ... Todd, whom she dumped in the kitchen and promptly went upstairs on the same day to sleep with Billie Jackson, whom she'd known less than a day; Peter Beale, whom she palmed off on his birthday to fuck Connor; and Fatboy, who'd booked a break in Paris and bought her a car. She dumped him on Valentine's day and slept with Tyler.

And now she's trampled on Tyler.

But Whitney, aided and abetted by Bianca, is always, always the eternal victim.

And finally, Bianca asked Whitney why she told Tyler the truth. 

Whitney: 'E'd only of found out.

Bianca: Well, Joey wouldn't say nuffink.

(Even if Joey did, it's doubtful that Tyler would have understood a word Joey said. Indeed, it's doubtful if Joey would have understood a thing Tyler said).

The Return of Twat Slutter.

Poor pitiful Kat. Another victim.

She still loves Alfie, but she can't, for the life of her, accept the fact that her numerous infidelities and her emotional abuse of her husband caused the end of her marriage.

In short, it's her fault.

She's been having kitschy little moments of epiphany here and there for the last couple of weeks, and one hopes this might lead to a moment when she finally says I lost Alfie through my own stupidity, but knowing this lot of writers, there's no hope and Bob Hope. And Bob Hope's dead.

She happened to bring Tommy upstairs tonight just at the moment when Alfie was giving Tyler words of wisdom in how to deal with a dirty girl. She arrived just in time to hear Alfie say how it's possible to forgive a one-off, and for a moment, there was a flicker of guilt which transcended her features.

Notice how, in recent weeks, Kat's been scrubbed clean of make-up. This is part of the redemption process. We're supposed to feel sympathy for her.

Kat to Alfie or Alfie to Kat?

Well, if the tits fit ...

Alfie is sensitive to the fact that Kat might be upset because of Roxy's engagement party that evening, but Kat assures him she's moved on also. In fact, she's got a date.

So, out comes the leopard print and the overbearing slap. But wait a moment ... something's different here.

Kat has suddenly sprounted thunder thighs and a droopy belly. What happened to Jessie Wallace's running routine? And the upper arms are noticeably flabby. Yes, folks, as much as Whitney has developed an double chin and looks as though she were a sausage melted and poured into her clothes, Kat is ... well, she's fat.

Two fat slappers. In fact, they've become oddly reminiscent of Viz's iconic Fat Slags.

The aim of Kat's game is to appear with Carl and come on strong. The object of her game is to make Alfie jealous, just as the object of Carl's game is to make Kirsty jealous. Kirsty barely notices, and as a result, Carl begins to look bored with Kat and her behaviour, which is drunken and loud.

You kinda get the impression that Carl, for all he is a villain with a common-and-garden background, has some behavioural standards and is rather a fastidious man, something of an oddity in Walford. Maybe he really is the man who fell to earth ...

But from all this muck and mire comes a gem of a scene crafted by Pete Lawson - those three minutes between Alfie and Kat in the Vic kitchen. She follows him as he goes to retrieve more food for the party.

The irony's not lost that this was the place where Kat first invited Derek's attentions between her legs. Right there on the counter, and afterward, that terribly bad scene of her grinning lasciviously, licking her lips and hoisting down her skirt. There was no guilt there and as much Kat's fault as Derek's, whom she later blamed to the point of saying he forced her to have sex.

Kat's drunk and coming onto Alfie. After spending the evening, loudly baiting and berating Roxy on what's supposed to be Roxy's night, she then insists that Alfie's jealous to see her with Carl. When he denies this, she positively demands that he be jealous, then reminds him that she knows he can never love Roxy the way he loves her. 

And that come on prompts the absolutely brilliant line of the night from a deadly serious Alfie:-

Take your filthy hands off me. You drag on the leopard print, put on the pulling earrings. You're beyond help, darlin'. You're a lost cause. You will never ever change.

The ultimate in bitter home truth that sends poor pitiful Kat spiralling into victim mode again. The lower lip quivers, the eyes fill up with tears, she looks as horrified as her botoxed face will allow her to look - although in fairness, she hasn't been injecting as much. And Kat runs from what she recognises as the truth. She's almost, almost at the point of realising what she's done to Alfie and their marriage. She's almost almost at the point of admitting she's the architect of her own defeat.

But not quite.

However, there's no denying the spark of chemistry between Richie and Wallace still burns, but I wish it didn't have to burn at Rita Simons's expense.

Pointless Interludes

The Nativity Play Comes Early.

Tiffany and Bobby's uncute romance sucks. These two are such obvious stageschool kids who still haven't mastered the art of convincing acting rather than reciting lines that are so incongruous no child of ten - or twelve or even sixteen would utter them without cringing.

Tiffany: What does your dad say about us?

Bobby (spoken precisely): He says I'm punching well below my weight.

Tiffany (to Patrick): Surely you remember how hard being in love was?

Seriously, what kid talks like that? The answer is no kid. Also, I know girls grow and mature physically faster than boys, but Maisie Smith is so obviously twelve years old and so rapidly approaching puberty, she's totally unbelieveable as a ten year-old. The kid who plays NuBobby barely reaches her shoulder in height and looks like what he is - a ten-year old boy, even if he speaks with the timber and enunciation of Sir Patrick Stewart.

Like the good friar in Romeo and Juliet, he offers them sanctuary at the allotments, so they can play their electronic game.

Of course, it's not long before Bianca and Ian find out, in a classic scene which more than emphasizes their close familial relation. That scene in the cafe does more to convince the long-term viewer that Bianca is more Beale than she ever was Branning. She was all of Pauline berating Pete in that scene about telling Ian to keep track of his children, and I hope DTC does more to bring Bianca into the Beale fold, because the Brannings have done nothing to help or support her.

And for fuck's sake, will someone tell the Butcher kids that they are cousins to the Beales!

The Games People Play.

Janine's workforce is expanding. Billy's on the South Coast, managing properties for her, Danny's in the office, making faces at Michael behind his back, and Lucy's sulking and doing the dogsbody's work - fetching the coffees, filing, scutwork.

Michael comes in to try to get one over psychologically on Janine, but fails. She doesn't rise to the bait. Really, how many times have we seen variations of this scene. Yes, we know Michael Moon is leaving. Yes, we know Jack is leaving. And we know Jack's leaving line is about to dominate every scene in every episode shortly as the show devolves into The Ronnie Show in September.

So knowing what we know about Janine and Michael, it's hard to invest anything in their scenes, especially when, like so many other scenes (Max and Kirsty, Max and Tanya), they've just become variations on a theme.

And not even as pretty or accomplished.

With each passing scene, Michael becomes more buttoned-up, repressed, controlling to the point of becoming a stiff automaton. Even his movements are robotic - stiffly turning his head to acknowledge "Daniel."

A great pity they're wasting this storyline to the point of boredom at the expense of two of the strongest actors in the show - Steve John Shepherd and the ever-watchable Charlie Brooks.

The most interesting thing about the interplay between this trio - Janine, Michael and Danny - were the expressions on Gary Lucy's face as the initial dialogue developed between Michael and Janine, some of which was classic.

Michael: I wanted to explain to you why I was late for you and Scarlett the other day.

Janine: You have five minutes.

Michael: You see, I had to attend to a problem with Kat ...

Janine: Ahhhh, your other baby-mother!

Later in the scene:

Michael: I thought ... to make it up to you ... we could do something ... as a family.

Janine: Awwwww .. a little broken family.

Michael: Anyway, I just came by to explain ... and to ...

Janine: And to what?

Michael: ... a ... apologise.

(Something a psychopath clearly doesn't do.)

Michael, clearly finding it difficult to say that he apologises, reminds me of Fonzie, from the 1970s sitcom Happy Days, who always found it difficult to admit he was wrong ...

Later, Michael runs into Kat with Carl, trying to make Alfie jealous, and Janine, grinning like a Cheshire cat, sat with "Daniel", trying to make Michael jealous and succeeding.

Of course, the sub-plot to all this is Lucy Beale, working as a glorified skivvy for Janine until she stands up to being given menial jobs and bites back, which Janine loves. However, I find it difficult to believe that Lucy ever looked up at Janine as a role model.

Pull the other one.

Girls Talk.

You can tell when Jean's had sex (which isn't often).

She talks.

She thinks she's being coy, but she drops all these obvious hints about what happened, and then the news spreads far and wide.

Remember the aftermath of her sexual encounter with Billy Mitchell and that scene in the bookies with Carol and Glenda? You can watch that scene here.

Throwing out obvious hints to Roxy, letting Kat in on all the gory details ...

Well, something happened. And then something more happened.

Cosying around Kirsty to get some sound advice.

Men play games. Ignore him.

All the time, leaving umpteen messages on Ollie's cellphone.

Hello, Ollie? It's Jean. Jean Slater.

Everyone sympathises with Jean, because that's what you do. It's the unwritten rule of Walford that you have to listen to Jean's witterings and then sympathise with her, even as this constant need of carping to Roxy, Kat, Kirsty and eventually Shirley, seeking reassurance that Ollie's bunk-up wasn't a love-em-and-leave-em type, and even dashing up to the allotments to see if Patrick had seen the "runner-bean" man.

It's then Jean realises that she doesn't know Ollie's surname or even where he lives. But he comes up trumps, bless'im. He's been at his daughter's all day, with a big smile on his face left over from the night before.

I wonder if Jean screeches out SAUSAGE SUR-PR-I-I-I-I-SE at the moment of climax? The mind boggles.

I won't miss her, and I'm counting the days until this annoying character flees our screens, with her screeching, her New Age pop psychology, her wittering and her windmill arms.

Decent enough episode, but still full of deadwood.