Look at That Stupid Girl - Review 15.08.2013

On Digital Spy Soaps' forum, some spotty, horny adolescent lad with piles of sticky lads' mags piled under his bed, confidently proclaimed today that soon every person of every gender, age and creed who watches EastEnders will be worshipping at the Church of Lauren.

That's right. Those were his words.

Pretty soon, the overexposure TPTB are forcing upon us will snow us all into submission, and we'll be on our knees in adoration before a contrived icon of ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS.

We're all about to be so overwhelmed by her overpowering presence that we're all going to sit, transfixed at the television screens, begging for more Adventures of Lauren. Pretty soon, we'll all be hailing her as the most talented actress ever to emerge from Great Britain.

Bullshit.

And the bullshit is getting so thick on the ground, we'll all be wearing marital aid shoes like Krusty - not because they are sexy, but because they penetrate the serious shit TPTB are trying to foist on us at the moment. It's a pity someone who hasn't even reached twenty-one, has to resort to collagen lip implants and boob jobs, paid for by the licence fee, also foisted upon us as a stealth tax. 

Pity the poor residents of Enfield. Her father embezzled their council tax payments to pay for fame school for this entitled actress of little presence and no meritable talent.

Tonight, in a poorly written episode by one of the weakest writers employed by the programme, there actually was a light at the end of the tunnel, but that light wasn't shining on a Branning.

Also on Digital Spy Soaps forum at the moment, people are calling for the departure of Janine, the end of Phil, the axing of Sharon and seriously dissing Peggy. These are the same wankbois who worship at the altar of Lauren the Lip.

They need to wash their hands and get back to school. Get this: EastEnders was not created in 2006, and it wasn't created exclusively for adolescents.

And as far as iconography goes, Jacqueline Jossa's talent and presence are eminently negligible.

This is really how she'll be remembered:-

I'm not talking about the kind of clothes she wears
Look at that stupid girl
I'm not talking about the way she combs her hair
Look at that stupid girl

The way she powders her nose
Her vanity shows and it shows
She's the worst thing in this world
Well, look at that stupid girl

I'm not talking about the way she digs for gold
Look at that stupid girl
Well, I'm talking about the way she grabs and holds
Look at that stupid girl

The Return of the Native (Not).

There was a curious sense of deja vu tonight. I wonder why?

An actor, the husband of a well-known singer/actress, who's somewhat older than the husband in question, makes his debut on the programme. This actor is immediately immersed in a scene with EastEnders' latest public relations' exercise - the marketing of Lauren Branning as the best thing to ever happen on EastEnders.

An older man, they plan on reprising the tragic love story of Tiffany Raymond and Grant Mitchell. Smarting from Sharon's rejection, Grant toys with the much younger, much shallower and flighty friend of Bianca - Tiffany, the ultimate material girl.

If you're too young or too lazy to remember Tiffany, think of Poopy-La-Dim with a brain and some sincerity. Pre-Grant, she was gobby and unlikeable. But when she married Grant (because she was pregnant, ultimately, by him), she blossomed and sweetened. This is the result for which TPTB are longing. After all, thinks Lorraine, I saved Kat, I can easily save Lauren, and she'll be beloved by one and all.

Not so.

Said older man will, presumably have to do some squidgy love scenes, involving passionate kissing at the very least or maybe even a bed scene or two. 

Now ... cast your mind back to the turn of this century.

Who remembers Jack Ryder, he who played Jamie Mitchell?

Ryder was married to a much older singer-actress, Kim Ryder, nee Marsh. Mrs Ryder, whose career was on the slides at the time, kicked up a big stink at the number of love scenes our Jack had to do with one Michelle Ryan, and subsequently, Jack was encouraged to leave the show. As Jack's career waned, Mrs Ryder's waxed, and the couple divorced.

Today, Kim Marsh Ryder is known as Kim Lomas, and she's one of the principal stars of Coronation Street. Her somewhat younger husband made his debut tonight. How long before there are more ballistics of jealousy raining down on Jamie Lomas's head as he has to share love scenes with the much younger Ms Jossa?

Been there, done that.

Jamie Lomas is the third of Lorraine Newman's thirtysomething new characters to be introduced, following Daniel Coonan and Kate Magowan. His character is Northerner Jake Stone, a recovering alcoholic, who's supposed to start getting up close and personal with the one whom TPTB are pushing as the star of a show which is supposed to be an ensemble piece.

I have to say, based on first impressions at his performance tonight, I'm not impressed. Maybe this will change; but I was impressed with Coonan from the getgo and continue to be so, and Magowan's character is growing on me.

In point of fact, I'd have liked to see Lomas introduced as a brother of the late Jase Dyer, Jay's father. Jase referenced several times that he had brothers. Lomas's character could have been a point of reference for Jay, regarding Jase, and also provide him with real family, rather than what's become a less-than-occasional faux family relationship with Phil Mitchell. Jay's become one of the isolated fringe figures hanging about the B and B, an occasional Mitchell - good enough to work in the Arches but not good enough to be invited to return to the house he called his home since he changed his name from Brown to Mitchell.

Instead, we have this singleton, who's not really a singleton. He's married, and speculation amongst the forum Luddites points to him possibly being Sadie Young's husband. (Myself, I think Sadie's secret is that she'll turn out to be Lola's mother, but there you go; it's only an opinion).

It's not because Lomas is Northern. EastEnders have had Northern characters before, and Jase Dyer was one of them; but this character was introduced, specifically, as a plot device for Lauren, whose presence is thrust upon the viewer like unwanted and unpalatable medicine. His character is meant to make hers more sympathetic and likeable, but nothing can help that situation if the actress doesn't have the talent to pull it off.

At the moment, she's playing herself, and she's getting by on squeaky voices, gurning faces and windmill movements. Even though a lot of that wasn't present tonight, she still sucked.

As for Lomas, I've never seen him in Hollyoaks, so I can't comment on his performance as an actor, and - quite possibly - the dire dialogue of the insipid Jesse O'Mahoney (please, Mr Treadwell Collins, issue the P45) may have been to blame for that. I thought he did come across as singularly creepy, especially with that horny look at the end of his scene.

One thing he's not ...

He might be a stranger, but this ain't paradise; and if he's married, then Lauren, like her mother, will have become a homewrecker before she's twenty. Oh well, she's got the poor white gene.

The Confession of Ste Therese de Lisieux Lauren Branning.

Lauren is all love and warmth tonight. Mixed in with a helluva lot of self-pitying bullshit.

I've lost count of the number of reasons she's given for drinking.

First, there was her parents' marriage. Then there was her low self-esteem. Then there was the fact that Joey didn't want her. Now, it's Abi's fault.

EastEnders doesn't do counselling, and tonight's episode showed why they don't. They rank counsellors on a par with their awful pejorative stereotyped Trish Barnes. I thought Alfie's 2011 visit to a very judgemental counsellor was bad, but tonight's wet version of an addiction counsellor, introduced so the camera could pan lovingly over the collagen-lipped face of Ms Jossa, emphasising her newly-lightened hair, was worse.

For a great moment in social worker/counselling confrontations on EastEnders, harken ye back to January 2001, when Sonia and Jim told the social worker some brutal home truths about an overbearing Pauline who wanted custody of Sonia's surprise baby. (Pssst, this is when EastEnders was surprisingly good).

Yes, I know Jim was the beginning of All Things Branning, but spliced between these scenes is a brief scene showing EastEnders classy Go-To Girl of the Day, Mel Healy Owen; and this was the lead-in to the Who Shot Phil? mystery.

Those were the days.

Lauren's much-heralded counselling session consisted first of a seconds-long pan shot of the camera following Jossa, clad in skin-tight leggins emphasizing her arse, as she walks slowly around the waiting room area, glancing every now and then over her shoulder, just to make sure the camera was following her, as she's so conscious of this in her vanity.

The initial counselling scenes consisted of an extremely posh counsellor, with a throaty voice trying to get Lauren to "express herself," and succeeding in having more long close-up shots of Jossa trying to look worried and, instead, only really looking worried about the camera getting a good shot of her lips and eyes before we got the amazing subtly racist scene of the counsellor attempting to break the ice by playing a banjo.

A black person with a banjo, EastEnders? Really? Do you even know the racist significance of a black person ringing a banjo that's evocative of a slave image?

Ms Newman, please ... check your privilege!

Ah, but then Lauren opens up, rather than sing a chrorus of "Jimmy Crack Corn and I Don't Care, My Massa's Gone Away."

It seems that Lauren drinks because of Abi now. Actually, she wants Abi to fail her exams. She was hoping against hope that Abi would return with her results today and crumple in a heap on the floor, weeping, just so Lauren could play the hero, feel good because Abi was a failure just like her, and then hand Max his arse - because no matter what Max does, no matter how much he sacrifices for her and saves her sorry arse from any manner of bad luck, Lauren just has to put him in his place.

Then we get the poor-pitiful-me storyline about how Lauren's ex- had slept with her best friend and this made her want to drink, so she "wouldn't think". 

Think what? Oh, and she neglected to tell the counsellor that her "boyfriend" was, in actual fact, her first cousin, a genetic relationship akin exactly to that of a half-sibling. Why didn't she relate that fact? It is significant, after all. Both her BFFs have referenced feeling pervy at the fact that she's fucking her cousin. Also, why didn't she relate that she snagged said cousin, right when he was fucking her other BFF, so she broke up a relationship there as well, and didn't think twice about it.

Some friend.

Lauren views the fact that she swiped booze and tried to drink it, but spat it out - sorry, spa'it ough - as a failure, but only because she rejected the booze because, she says, she saw Abi the Dough-Faced Girls, fat, double-chinned little face, when she should have seen Joey's. That confession earns us the absolute worst line of the night from the insipid counsellor.

Lauren, I could stand up and give you a big round of applau-au-au-au-ase.

How long can you make a two-syllabled word? But ne'mind, Lauren has won; she's conquered the demon alcohol ... when we really know the proper response would be to remind her that addiction conquering is a day-by-day affair. One day at a time. Forever. She's never cured; she's recovering.

But, hey ... this is EastEnders. Mission accomplished. No onto fuck the married man. Just like her putrid mother.

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Bruvvah.

Carl's got a hot-headed younger brother. (Well, we've met him before). Oh, and a hard-edged battle-axe of a mum. (We've seen her too). 

Remind you of anyone?

It also seems as though Carl's spent the better part of his life getting his baby bruv out of jams. Again, remind you of anyone?

The show has been frantically searching for the next generation's "bruvs" for decades now. From the di Marcos (fail) to the Branning Bruvs (unlikeable fail) to the Moon goons (epic fail), they've not succeeded; but this time, I think they might be onto something.

Daniel Coonan is a seriously good actor. I like Carl, and think he could be a complex villain with plenty of scope for development. Already, his background seems interesting. He's devoted to his mother, whom - it seems - prefers his younger brother. Mummy likens Carl to his weak dad, but Carl likens Adam to the same. (So, he has daddy issues too - that's a requisite for living in Walford). I hope Adam returns, and I hope he brings Ma White out of that care home and back to Walford. I'll bet she's not half as bad off as she pretends to be. Anyway, I want to see her nut Cora.

Adam's in trouble to the tune of two grand, and for some unknown reason, he attacks Krusty. 

Line of the night from Carl:-

You were supposed to look after things for me. I come out of prison and find mum in a care home and Kirsty married.

Well, these things happen.

Carl's a dealer, and he's been dealing in the club, which presents us with an interesting scenario. He wants to meet Adam in the club, at ten-thirty in the morning, over a beer, in order to hand him over what looks like a kilo of charlie for Adam to hand over to the goon who's stretching him for money.

When Krusty whines to Max about her hyperventilation attack, from which Carl rescued her, Max vows revenge, and he and Joey - see? I told you Joey would graduate to being the Jack replacement Branning bruv - confront Carl and his sibling in the club. Making no progress, they call in the cavalry, in the shape of Phil. (Er, where's Sharon? Shouldn't she be about?)

Now, here's the ironic situation: Phil upbraids Carl for dealing coke in the R and R. That's right. Phil disapproves of Carl dealing drugs in the R and R.

Admirable, you think? Well, cast your mind back to 2010 or so, when Ryan was Phil's doorman. Ryan was encouraged to sell cocaine to the punters, with Phil getting a cut of his profit. So, it really isn't that Phil doesn't approve of drugs being dealt at the R and R, he doesn't approve of his not making a profit from it. I imagine, if there were just Phil and Carl about in the club, within five minutes, you'd have found Carl would have been appointed "Events Manager," with a view to increasing the club's profits via the under-the-counter drug trade.

And as for Mr Mouth-Breather (again, we got the lingering shots of Joey imitating the lovechild of Max Branning and Dan Sullivan), he was quick to pocket the charlie he found on the floor the other night, rather than taking it directly to Sharon in the back office, who was the duty manager. I would imagine Joey wasn't above doing a bit of on-the-spot dealing, himself.

Forget the steroid child (and I loved the fact that Carl alluded to that in Tuesday's episode), this scene and the ensuing arrest set-up is a contrivance to bring Carl's true colours to the fore, involving him in a one-man vendetta against Ian, Max, and Phil Mitchell - and the fact that one man seriously shakes all three of these people  to the core is vastly significant.

I know tonight's depiction of it sucked, but Daniel Coonan is a rarity in being able to take a crap script and make it near-as-dammit interesting. He's right. Not one of those men in that room were clean enough morally to demand such behaviour from him.

Is it me, or does Krusty have infinitely more chemistry with Carl than Max?

The Worm Turns into a Worm.

Jasmyn Banks has let it be known that she's lobbied Lorraine Newman for a Tamwar-Alice romance. The fact that this appears to be going ahead is indicative of the fact that Newman was bereft of ideas with what to do with Tamwar as well as Alice, as it seems she's slipped back to the peripheries of Michael Moon's manipulations.

Tamwar, who used to be genuinely, intuitively and intelligently witty, has been hung out to dry to the point that dry wit has now devolved into monotoned social gaucheness that's a cross between Asperger's Syndrome and boredom.

Tonight, Tamwar played the coward, afraid to confront Kat and Bianca for the bullies they'd become. There was a cursory and badly acted scene meant to convey Kat's and Bianca's guilt.

We shoulda got'im outa vere.

Well, we didn't do it.

No, they didn't. Winston did, and he's just as bad and puerile as they are. But not only is Tamwar a coward, he's also a dolt, who has to be egged on in his revenge as planned and plotted by MyAlice.

From the advance PR, I was expecting a scene where the harpies were made to grovel and beg for their stall, only to be made to go on litter duty for a week. Instead, what we got was a silly letter, mild protests at litter duty, an even sillier announcement that Kat and Bianca would be on litter duty, and Tamwar ripping up the letter, tossing its remains to the ground and denoting it "litter," before walking away and leaving Bianca to find out that the letter had been sent from one "Joe King."

So it was a joke. Months of vicious and cruel bullying is turned on its head by one incident that's left to be recognised for what it was - a joke.

Give me a fucking break and don't insult my intelligence, and please don't insult it even more by ending the thing with a faux romcom scene of an awkward hug and Tamwar departing, assuming that MyAlice is set for the singles' night at the R and R. Because she isn't. As we know.

Grosser Jack.

Jack's the one who does all the work in the failing boxing club. I've always wondered how it earned enough money to keep Jack in the latest Alfa Romeo whilst his psychopathic partner took a pittance and plotted to get his wife's millions.

Now, all of a sudden, Jack's worried about the fact that the club's losing money and the building's falling down around him. Why?

Of course, Michael's all for sitting on his arse and arranging costly PR exercises for which Jack will have to pay.

But I want to see Michael's face when he finds out that Jack's sold the club right out from under his manipulative arse, and it's now owned by Janine, with Danny-Boy as his boss.

In case you didn't realise it, this is the beginning of the end for Jackaroo.

Once again, an awful episode.

Still, September looks promising.