After tonight's episode, here's a message for Lorraine Newman:-
And here's the song Lorraine heard in her head as she watched a preview of tonight's episode:-
That's the airy-fairy lyrics which kept wafting through Lorraine's head as she lovingly watched all the close-ups tonight that we had to suffer of David Witts, and mostly, those lingering close-ups of ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS.
The last four episodes have been exclusively about Lauren. All of a sudden, the Brannings have become all about Lauren. And it's blatantly obvious that TPTB are pushing this one through the roof. I cannot remember a time, not even when the show doubled as The Ronnie and Stacey Show, not even when the principal girl was Tamsin Outhwaite's Mel Healy, that direction focused on every aspect of the couple EastEnders are trying to force down our throats as charismatic. If we weren't looking at close-ups of Jossa and her latest charity case for whom she's acting as beard, after conveniently having the relevant people discontinue her contrived relationship with the pathetic Tony Discipline, then we were either having close-ups of his arse or his arms or having to watch her kit herself up in leather, looking like a street-corner hooker, just to give the adolescents and the 26 year-old village idiot on Digital Spy reason to cream their undies.
Word is out: Michelle Keegan leaves Coronation Street next March, just in time for the convict's daughter to be in with a shout for winning the BSA's Sexiest Female award. That doesn't mean she has any talent.
I wonder, if she wins the award, if she'll think to thank all the taxpayers resident in Enfield, for it was their council tax funds, which her dear old dad embezzled, which paid the exhorbitant fees for her over-priced fame school in Bromley.
But I doubt she gives a fuck.
And here's what the more discerning, more sensible and intelligent viewers of EastEnders think of Lauren Branning, her excellent adventures and the actress who plays her ...
We don't give a ...
Tonight's episode was the absolute pits. Lorraine Newman cannot leave quick enough, and Dominic Treadwell Collins must realise that this programme is not exclusively a teenaged angst soap.
The Gurning Girl.
It's a shame that EastEnders doesn't devote as much aftercare to the addiction storylines of its major, established, truly iconic characters. Phil Mitchell conquered his crack cocaine addiction in one week. Sharon's prescription drug addiction storyline was a non-starter, and that could have been interesting, had it been properly done.
Instead, we get a throwaway Sharon, with post-2006 asshat children who couldn't think critically if their lives depended on it, who think she's the worst kind of awful, whilst wittering on mindlessly about how "hot" Lauren is.
Talent is exhibited in various gurns, goggle-eyes (these deficienti criticise Sharon for this mannerism; they should look at the go-to girl), windmill arm movements. Not to mention funny voices ... and the word "what."
What ... What ... what what ...
How many times did we hear that repeated by Lauren tonight? Oh, and a new generation of Brannings have adopted the word "babe," because that was one of the few words I could understand Joey the Mouth-Breather
Meanwhile, in Dullsville ...
The Ugly Boy.
Does this remind you of Kat and Bianca?
Even though Kat supposedly has had an epiphany, she and Bianca are still absolute bullies and bitches toward Tamwar, who's only trying to do his job.
They are disgusting, cackling bitches, and obviously TPTB think this is a funny storyline - their toxic combination hectoring, bullying and blackmailing Lister, continuously hectoring and bullying Tamwar, who's done absolutely nothing to her. In fact, Bianca's mother is seeing Tamwar's father. Maybe this subject should be brought up sometime in conversation, especially with Bianca present.
Tonight the tactic was different. They were blatantly rude and ignored him, cackling incoherently over a crude pussy joke. As Tamwar pointed out, this was all a part of their blatantly and willfully not paying attention to anything he says. If they're in contravention of council policy regarding market traders, then Tamway should report them and they should have their licence rescinded, and Winston's stupid practical joke was beyond cruel.
But of course, Tamwar is meant to be the butt of countless jokes, when at one time, he was a pretty humourous character, in a dry and droll way.
The subtlety of tonight's awful vignette was the beginning of the Tamwar-Alice romance, a prospect about as titillating as getting your fingernails pulled out, one by one. I've heard that Jasmyn Banks lobbied for a Tamwar-Alice romance. Usually, TPTB don't listen to the actors' special requests for their characters' storylines, but in this instance, Newman did. It was love and warmth for two otherwise uninteresting characters, and it was indicative that she had nothing remotely planned for their future. Just two more randomly single people thrown together, without thought of chemistry or suitability.
They're not as pretty as Lauren and Joey.
The Spineless Weasel.
One of the imbalances Dominic Treadwell Collins must address is the male as a weak character and the dominant female.
I know Ian Beale has always been a weasel, but he can, on occasion, be an absolute bastard. The old Ian would never have allowed Sadie to have walked all over him, nor would he have hid behind Denise's sour face as she defended him.
The minute Sadie refused to pay for those hors d'oerves Ian busted his gut making, he should have removed them and said, "Tough shit."
On the other hand, she got free grub for the moment, but for the big event, she decided to use another firm with whom she was familiar, prompting Denise to spring into action, with a less-than-subtle threat about sabotaging Sadie's business prospects if she didn't use "local talent", such as Ian, a "pillar of the community."
Kat's laugh was rude and out of order, considering that Ian is Alfie's best friend; but it's entirely up to Sadie whom she uses. Ian one-upped her in expecting to be paid, she didn't want to use him. Fair enough. It's really none of Denise's business, and there are enough people in Walford who got stung by Ian Beale's attitude in the past, who just might argue with her about him being a pillar of the community. It wasn't that long ago that she thought he was a plonker, herself, especially after listening to Jane cry her eyes out in Zainab's front room that night back in 2010, when she whined about what a dud Ian was as a husband.
In the end, when Sadie subtly got her own back on Ian and Denise by giving Ian the tender, but only as a second choice, even then, Denise wanted Ian to refuse this, but Ian was craven. And it was Ian who was reluctant to drink at the same bar as this woman.
Jesus Christ, what next?
And Now The End Is Near.
This is for Jack and also for Michael Moon, who was one-upped tonight by Danny.
Michael pities Danny, who has to suffer Janine. Michael doesn't, because he has his own business. Ne'mind that Jack pays him a barely living way and subs his arse. Michael has his own office. Away from Janine and Danny.
Janine buys Basher Jim's. Or, at least she buys Jack's share. And thus beginneth the end of Jack Branning. So now Janine is Michael's sleeping partner. But not in bed. And Danny's going to share his office.
Ooo-er, missus.
Total epic fail.
And here's the song Lorraine heard in her head as she watched a preview of tonight's episode:-
That's the airy-fairy lyrics which kept wafting through Lorraine's head as she lovingly watched all the close-ups tonight that we had to suffer of David Witts, and mostly, those lingering close-ups of ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS.
The last four episodes have been exclusively about Lauren. All of a sudden, the Brannings have become all about Lauren. And it's blatantly obvious that TPTB are pushing this one through the roof. I cannot remember a time, not even when the show doubled as The Ronnie and Stacey Show, not even when the principal girl was Tamsin Outhwaite's Mel Healy, that direction focused on every aspect of the couple EastEnders are trying to force down our throats as charismatic. If we weren't looking at close-ups of Jossa and her latest charity case for whom she's acting as beard, after conveniently having the relevant people discontinue her contrived relationship with the pathetic Tony Discipline, then we were either having close-ups of his arse or his arms or having to watch her kit herself up in leather, looking like a street-corner hooker, just to give the adolescents and the 26 year-old village idiot on Digital Spy reason to cream their undies.
Word is out: Michelle Keegan leaves Coronation Street next March, just in time for the convict's daughter to be in with a shout for winning the BSA's Sexiest Female award. That doesn't mean she has any talent.
I wonder, if she wins the award, if she'll think to thank all the taxpayers resident in Enfield, for it was their council tax funds, which her dear old dad embezzled, which paid the exhorbitant fees for her over-priced fame school in Bromley.
But I doubt she gives a fuck.
And here's what the more discerning, more sensible and intelligent viewers of EastEnders think of Lauren Branning, her excellent adventures and the actress who plays her ...
We don't give a ...
The Gurning Girl.
It's a shame that EastEnders doesn't devote as much aftercare to the addiction storylines of its major, established, truly iconic characters. Phil Mitchell conquered his crack cocaine addiction in one week. Sharon's prescription drug addiction storyline was a non-starter, and that could have been interesting, had it been properly done.
Instead, we get a throwaway Sharon, with post-2006 asshat children who couldn't think critically if their lives depended on it, who think she's the worst kind of awful, whilst wittering on mindlessly about how "hot" Lauren is.
Talent is exhibited in various gurns, goggle-eyes (these deficienti criticise Sharon for this mannerism; they should look at the go-to girl), windmill arm movements. Not to mention funny voices ... and the word "what."
What ... What ... what what ...
How many times did we hear that repeated by Lauren tonight? Oh, and a new generation of Brannings have adopted the word "babe," because that was one of the few words I could understand Joey the Mouth-Breather
saying tonight ... "babe."
In fact, there was a point in the proceedings, at the R and R, when we witnessed David Witts, yet again, doing a bad impersonation of Jake Wood, with Jossa dressed like Keirston Wareing and trying to sound like Jo Joyner when she would speak fast and pretend that everything in her life was peachy-keen-hunky-dory.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I suppose, but trying to imitate another actor or actress to denote some sort of family relationship is neither indicative of talent or intelligence.
One of the more putrid lines tonight:-
I'm still the same girl you fell in love with.
(No, you're not, you stupid bint, you're his cousin. And whilst it's not illegal to fuck your first cousin in this country, it's not exactly accepted either. It's called inbreeding, and it's what poor white trailer trash do).
Hands up, anyone who's truthfully and viscerally sympathetic with Lauren's plight? I understand the show's need for an ingenue character, but this sort of character shouldn't be expected to appeal exclusively to the adolescent community, nor those mentally stunted people who harp on desperately about "sexy times."
Past ingenues, such as Michelle Fowler, Tiffany Mitchell and even the porcine Stacey Slater, also appealed to viewers across the spectrum. Even Stacey, who originated the culture of blame-shifting and not accepting responsibility, invoked sympathy during the week of episodes where we saw her dealing with Jean's crisis.
There's nothing sympathetic about Lauren at all. She tried to kill her father for no good reason. She treats him, most times, like a piece of shit, dictating the odds to him. She's blamed everyone for her drinking problem, from her parents' marital woes to Abi to everything but the two real reasons she drinks:- because she enjoys it and because her brain-dead hulk of a cousin refuses to get serious with her. Again.
Lauren has been drinking since she was fourteen. She's lazy, rude, self-obsessed, entitled and eminently unlikeable; and the snow job Newman's doing on turning her into St Therese de Lisieux is worse than than the effort she put into making Kat Mother Theresa.
Now we're supposed to feel sorry for her struggle to be "normal" again. Well, pardon my lack of sympathy. She's a pejorative figure played by an actress who's head is so far up her narcissistic arse she's only aware of the camera all over her. And we're meant to suffer her storyline indefinitely, as she meets and begins a relationship with an older man, in a pisspoor remake of the Tiffany-Grant saga, which turned Tiffany from the ultimate material girl to someone incredibly sweet and utterly in love with a man who was a rotter.
Spare us this, and the gurning, and the windmill movements and the totally ridiculous storyline of three stupid girls - what the hell was that with the vampire lipstick on Lucy Beale's mouth tonight? - poncing about looking like hookers on the pull, in the light of day, all of whom had been porked by mouth-breathing Joey.
The absolutely pitifully contrived scene in the R and R, filmed during the light of day, where Whitney simply felt the necessity of confessing her one night stand with Joey to Lauren. Whitney has this incredible urge to confess her sex sins to the people who'll be hurt the most. Don't ask me why - she's another character who seriously needs to be shown the axe. And if Lauren can't be upset, did Lauren feel the same guilt when she snagged her own cousin from under Lucy's nose, as he was porking her at the time he defected to Lauren, kissing Whitney as a prelude to their later interlude along the way ...
Ah' sorry, babe, it didn't mean nuffink, babe, hit was a one-off, babe, Ah was lonely, babe, Ah was missing ya, babe ... babebabebabebabebabebabebabebabebabe ...
Question One: Since when has Joey been promoted to "Events Manager" at the R and R? I thought he was a barman.
Question Two: Since when is Sharon the manager of the R and R again? When she returned to Walford this last time, after an absence of three weeks, Phil pointedly told her that she could work at the club, but not as manager and answering to him and Janine. Now, it seems that she is the manager and she delegates authority to Joey to "manage" for a night while she catches up on paperwork. It's anyone's guess who's watching Dennis.
In case anyone didn't get it tonight, the very subtle beginnings of various storylines shot past the viewers' eyes as they blinked tonight, one of them being the teensy weensy beginnings of the Phil's crash, which started tonight when Joey found the back of Charlie on the floor of the club.
Is it me or is cocaine always being found in the club? Or drugs of some sort. Chelsea Fox took her first snort of cocaine in the R and R. Sharon bought her fix of painkillers or whatever from the bouncer. Even before that, Phil Mitchell tacitly approved of Ryan Molloy pushing coke and I don't mean as a drink. Joey finds the stuff, and instead of handing it immediately to the duty manager, he pockets it, and confronts Carl, who's standing by, obviously dealing - especially since we know that's why Carl was imprisoned. (Well, as he said, it wasn't for stealing sweeties).
To Carl, however, goes the line of the night, and maybe Sally Tatchell, who wrote this episode, either feels the words she put in Carl's mouth or she's been absorbing the majority of the viewers' sentiments.
I'm sick of the Brannings.
So am I. So are thousands of viewers. The show started to slide when that lot got a foothold in Walford, and especially since 2010. Derek's dead; Tanya's off in the West Country looking for a fool with a fat wallet. Jack's going. Let Lauren drink that one drink that could kill her. Let Joey suffer from steroid abuse - brilliant that Carl picked up on steroids as apply to Joey tonight. Abi can choke on her snorting. Max's willie can rot off from overuse. Cora can stink herself to death.
Get rid of them.
The Ugly Boy.
Does this remind you of Kat and Bianca?
Even though Kat supposedly has had an epiphany, she and Bianca are still absolute bullies and bitches toward Tamwar, who's only trying to do his job.
They are disgusting, cackling bitches, and obviously TPTB think this is a funny storyline - their toxic combination hectoring, bullying and blackmailing Lister, continuously hectoring and bullying Tamwar, who's done absolutely nothing to her. In fact, Bianca's mother is seeing Tamwar's father. Maybe this subject should be brought up sometime in conversation, especially with Bianca present.
Tonight the tactic was different. They were blatantly rude and ignored him, cackling incoherently over a crude pussy joke. As Tamwar pointed out, this was all a part of their blatantly and willfully not paying attention to anything he says. If they're in contravention of council policy regarding market traders, then Tamway should report them and they should have their licence rescinded, and Winston's stupid practical joke was beyond cruel.
But of course, Tamwar is meant to be the butt of countless jokes, when at one time, he was a pretty humourous character, in a dry and droll way.
The subtlety of tonight's awful vignette was the beginning of the Tamwar-Alice romance, a prospect about as titillating as getting your fingernails pulled out, one by one. I've heard that Jasmyn Banks lobbied for a Tamwar-Alice romance. Usually, TPTB don't listen to the actors' special requests for their characters' storylines, but in this instance, Newman did. It was love and warmth for two otherwise uninteresting characters, and it was indicative that she had nothing remotely planned for their future. Just two more randomly single people thrown together, without thought of chemistry or suitability.
They're not as pretty as Lauren and Joey.
The Spineless Weasel.
One of the imbalances Dominic Treadwell Collins must address is the male as a weak character and the dominant female.
I know Ian Beale has always been a weasel, but he can, on occasion, be an absolute bastard. The old Ian would never have allowed Sadie to have walked all over him, nor would he have hid behind Denise's sour face as she defended him.
The minute Sadie refused to pay for those hors d'oerves Ian busted his gut making, he should have removed them and said, "Tough shit."
On the other hand, she got free grub for the moment, but for the big event, she decided to use another firm with whom she was familiar, prompting Denise to spring into action, with a less-than-subtle threat about sabotaging Sadie's business prospects if she didn't use "local talent", such as Ian, a "pillar of the community."
Kat's laugh was rude and out of order, considering that Ian is Alfie's best friend; but it's entirely up to Sadie whom she uses. Ian one-upped her in expecting to be paid, she didn't want to use him. Fair enough. It's really none of Denise's business, and there are enough people in Walford who got stung by Ian Beale's attitude in the past, who just might argue with her about him being a pillar of the community. It wasn't that long ago that she thought he was a plonker, herself, especially after listening to Jane cry her eyes out in Zainab's front room that night back in 2010, when she whined about what a dud Ian was as a husband.
In the end, when Sadie subtly got her own back on Ian and Denise by giving Ian the tender, but only as a second choice, even then, Denise wanted Ian to refuse this, but Ian was craven. And it was Ian who was reluctant to drink at the same bar as this woman.
Jesus Christ, what next?
And Now The End Is Near.
This is for Jack and also for Michael Moon, who was one-upped tonight by Danny.
Michael pities Danny, who has to suffer Janine. Michael doesn't, because he has his own business. Ne'mind that Jack pays him a barely living way and subs his arse. Michael has his own office. Away from Janine and Danny.
Janine buys Basher Jim's. Or, at least she buys Jack's share. And thus beginneth the end of Jack Branning. So now Janine is Michael's sleeping partner. But not in bed. And Danny's going to share his office.
Ooo-er, missus.
Total epic fail.
Carl is being totally under used - I just hope he doesn't become another Derek.
ReplyDeleteI have no sympathy for Dumbwar - he has to assert himself more, or sadly he will receive this kind of treatment in today's day and age.
Whitney looked TOTALLY inappropriately dressed in Mondays episode wearing those Knee length boots and cropped top. She did actually look like a whore.