The Pukeworthy POS Pieta' Tour - Review: 08.08.2013

Too much of anything is bad for you.

I think these eyes have seen a lot,

You know, maybe they've seen too much.

Yep, maybe that's the case with EastEnders. Sometime, a few years ago, probably under Bryan Kirkwood, we were overdosed. Actually, it's unfair to blame Bryan Kirkwood exclusively. The rot set in at the turn of the Century, probably under the sainted John Yorke, when he introduced the Slater family and then forced them down our throats in every episode, in practically every scene, putting them in every walk of life on the Square for more than a year.

The Slaters introduced the misconception that loud women were strong women. The Slaters started the isolating concept of the sibling friend. The Slater girls disliked every woman on the Square who wasn't related to them, and in the end, they had no friends. They didn't need them; they had each other. The Slaters gave us the continuing tradition of the female fool, the village idiot. Little Mo begat Honey (they even shared a husband). Honey begat Heather who, curiously, died in order for Jean and Poopy-La-Dim to spring forth from her corpulent corpse. 

The Slaters introduced Stacey Slater, who - along with another female character whose sister was her best friend - completely ripped the idea of the show as an ensemble piece as EastEnders morphed into The Ronnie and Stacey Show. The Slaters lost members, only to pick up heretofore unmentioned relatives to add to their numbers. The blooming Mitchell family even acquired a retconned brother for Eric with two daughters who were supposed to mirror feminine versions of Grant and Phil.

But the Slaters came and went, and even now, there are people who cry loudly that the sisters should return, not even realising that they would now constitute a gaggle of middle-aged, menopausal shrews cackling at the least slight and acting like inmates released from the asylum.

Instead, we got the Brannings. The Brannings were Carol Jackson's family, and they began unobtrusively enough when Dot Cotton married curmudgeonly old Jim, the ex-racist grandad of Sonia and Robbie Jackson. Then Bradley showed up, a grandson of one of Jim's unseen sons.

He was followed by his father, Max, and Max's second family - totty wife, two spoiled daughters. Then Brer Jack followed. Ronnie Mitchell married into the clan, but only after Jack had slept with and impregnated her sister and her cousin. Three Mitchell girls bore three Branning babies from the same man. This is White Trash territory now.

A sister Suzy showed up for awhile, followed by big brother Derek and his two children. Then the satellite Brannings started popping up. Tanya's sister and her mother, whom she'd never mentioned before, horned in. Then they went multi-racial,as it was revealed that Cora had a mixed race baby many years before. There are still more there on the horizon.

The situation, as it exists now, even though Derek Branning died and Tanya's left, means we can still have an entire EastEnders' episode where you don't see a single character who isn't a Branning or who isn't related to or associated with one.

It's overkill.

Even more overkill is the fact that Bryan Kirkwood started and Lorraine Newman continued with his choice of fronting one of the Branning daughters as the show's resident ingenue: Lauren.

It doesn't help matters that Lauren is one of the most unlikeable characters ever to be written into the show - shallow, self-centred, rude, selfish, lazy, totally obsessed with herself. She's not even on a learning curve; and compared with her predecessors, who grew as characters and matured as real people in their roles, achieving their goals, often against all odds - the Michelles, the Sharons, the Sonias, even the Staceys - she's the most pejorative of the lot.

She's another of Kirkwood's beautiful people, hired for looks and not talent, and promoted by Newman for her supposed beauty - enhanced by collagened lips and a boob job; and it certainly doesn't help that she's played by ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS.

Tonight, EastEnders, in the incompetent hands of the now-departed Katie Douglas, arguably one of the worst writers ever to pen episodes for this programme, we got a conglomerate of absolutely everything that's wrong with the programme, attached to the fact that the central focus of the episode tonight was all about Lauren, and the ensuing weeks in the lead-up to what's been promised as the most exciting autumn ever on EastEnders, we're now focusing with Lauren's redemption.

Like her, begs Newman, as a parting shot. She's a lost soul, root for her, support her, love her. She's such a beautiful person.

One thing for certain, when Newman does a redemptive arc, you know it. You have the penitent character force fed to you. Kat became Santa Teresa de Avila. Lauren's going to become Joan of Arc.

And all of this occurring one month before EastEnders' very own White Queen walzes back onto the Square. She got a mention tonight.

If you watched this episode tonight, you saw every reason, bar the character assassination of Sharon Watts, in evidence as to why the show is in crisis.

And August doesn't get any better.

Ca-ca in any language is still poo-poo ...

I. Merde

The Penitential Tour of Lauren Branning.

Lauren is back from her month at an exclusive health and beauty spa a clinic who specialises in treating addiction.

Now, there's something really strange about all of this.

When someone goes to rehab, for whatever reason - drink, drugs, gambling, sex - they are totally isolated from their addiction and from their family, who very well might feed that addiction through their behaviour. Visits from family and friends are not allowed. After about a month, when treatment is still going on, the patient might be allowed a weekly telephone call home. Rehab lasts longer than a month, and for someone with as serious a drinking problem as Lauren, certainly wouldn't have been allowed to leave after one month.

But Lauren is an adult, and she could, conceivably have signed herself out of the clinic AMA (*that's "against medical advice" for numbnutzes like xTonix -hyuck hyuck); still, she would be without funds - she wouldn't be allowed money in the clinic. So that begs the question as to how she managed to get from the West Country back to Walford. Did she swipe money from Tanya's purse? Steal her credit card a la Vicki Fowler? Hitchike?

That's never pursued, although you'd think Max would want to know. And she lies right away, assuring Max that Tanya knows she's returned to Walford. You can always tell when Lauren lies, she opens her mouth, waves her arms about, gurns and talks in a funny voice - oh wait, that's the way Jacqueline Jossa defines her acting technique.

Anyway, not only does Lauren walk out of an extremely expensive treatment, for which her mother had to take out a huge loan and sell her livelihood to finance it, she comes back with a golden tan, fresh hair extensions and subtly expensive blonde highlights in her hair.

Of course, we all know that, in real life, Jacqueline Jossa went on a luxury beach vacation to Mexico, but you'd think she'd be professional enough to realise that she'd actually have to look the part of someone who's just out of alcohol addiction rehab - pale, plainly dressed, uncertain.

Jossa makes it plainly obvious that she's not only grossly untalented, she's only in the business for the exposure a cash cow like EastEnders can give her and the C-list celebrity strut on the ubiquitous red carpet. It's one thing to exploit a passing resemblance to the rising actress and Academy Award winner Jennifer Lawrence, it's quite another to assume that people would think that because she resembled the more talented young woman, that Jossa has talent, herself.

She won't progress, nor will she want to do so, past the safe confines of EastEnders. The enormous salary she receives at the expense of licence fee payers like the doltish xTonix's parents funds a lifestyle most people her age will never achieve.

Anyway, she's back, and it seems she's learned to do a fry-up at the clinic. Oh well, she'll know that the more carbs she downs, the better that will absorb any alcohol she might hope to sneak eventually (and she will; in fact, I predict within three years, they will have forgotten that she can't drink).

She cooks breakfast for Max, Abi the Dough-Faced Girl and Cora-the-Bora, from whom she learned and inherited her alcoholic tendencies. Cora is encouraged by her progress. Abi isn't fooled by her and Max is dubious and doesn't trust her.

Later Lauren dresses up in what looks like the sort of gear a catwalk model would don for a fashion shoot showing the latest in what people would wear in which to look too-cool-for-school, but who would never think to break a sweat.

Max worries she's going to go on a pub crawl, but she really wants to scour the Square, reconnecting, doing penance for and asking forgiveness from the totally untalented and unlikeable brat pack with whom she usually associates and with whom she'd fallen out before she left.

These dumbasses are bad, but Lauren brings out the big stink.

First there's Lucy.

Poor Bag O'Bones is hurting. And Lauren is surprised at the first change since she's been gone - Lucy isn't working at the caff anymore. In fact, Lucy doesn't own the caff anymore. Lucy's hurting about that, but Lucy confesses that she was hurt by Lauren linking up with Joey, who was her cousin as well as Lucy's ex-boyfriend.

Consider the fact that Lauren's circle of friends includes Lucy, Whitney and Joey. The only thing, really, that these girls have in common is the fact that they've all three been porked by Joey. Anyway, poor pitiful Lucy lets Lauren know that Joey's dumped her and she blames Lauren.

Next Lauren seeks out Joey, obviously because she knows he's not with Lucy anymore. 

(Did you figure that out?)

Because Joey's so irresistible ...

I mean, consider that open-mouthed pout ...

Joey knocks her back verbally, even though he consents to hugging her. At least, I think he knocks her back. It's increasingly difficult to understand what David Witts is talking about. He blames himself for her problems, without telling her that, in addition to dumping Bag O'Bones Beale, he's sampled the greasy delights of Walford's resident gypsies-tramps-and-thieves mattress, Whitney.

And poor little entitled Lauren feels rejection again. Of course, it doesn't help that she's come into both situations cracking bad jokes about wanting a drink again. From the smell-the-fart reactions of Lucy and Joey, one assumes that they're appalled by this.

You know, I don't know what was worst about this scene - Douglas's appalling first-liner assigned to Lauren, or Jossa's pisspoor attempt to sound sexy when she uttered a line that's been cooed hundreds of times by better B-movie actresses in a Forties' filme noire flick:-

The deliveryman left the door open.

This is someone who's supposed to be the sexiest woman in soaps? Well, maybe for adolescent boys with their hands down their pants, but certainly for no one else.

Then she goes to see Whitney.

Whitney has other things on her mind, like acting like a spoiled brat and ruining (she thinks) a job prospect, having Tyler dump her, missing him and - oh yes - Tony died. (Wait, didn't she forget to inform Lauren of another change that's transpired in the month she's been gone, like the reason why Tyler dumped her ... yes! She slept with Joey, so he's scored a hattrick).

After Whitney's no-nonsense spoken version of obladi-obladah-life-goes-on-BRAAAAAA (as in "look at my pushed-up tits, Lauren"), Lauren's reaction is typically Lauren:-

Didn't you miss me?

Oh please. And this is the girl who bragged to a sceptical Max and Abi and an already buzzed-over Cora-the-Bora that she's learned rountine methods and ways of dealing with her issues in just under a month. She's learned jack shit. This penance tour is arrogant enough of her, thinking she's such a centre of everything that all she has to do is say "sorry" and people will forgive her instantaneously. I mean, that's what Tanya bullied Max and everyone else into doing.

Lauren told Joey, I'd be in prison if it weren't for you. (Lying, that is; but then, she should have been in prison for trying to kill her old man or for assaulting Lucy Beale and doing criminal damage to her business). But then, we know that Lauren's shit doesn't smell.

In the meantime, Max has visited Kirsty, who seems to be dressed up like a French maid for some reason, in order to explain their coitus interruptus from the night before. But this is the new benevolent, confident and understanding Kirsty, who assures Max that his first priority is Lauren, which prompts a frantic search by Max for Lauren when he returns home to find her gone.

And this produces one of the most bizarre scenes ever in recent years on the show. I mean, it was proper Dali-esque ...

Like ... surreal ... like this picture, which could be described as Max (with the brain) talking to the treetrunk commonly known as Joey.

I'm talking about the scene where Max goes to the R and R and finds Joey punching a laptop. What you get is about one minute of Jake Wood delivering lines and David Witts trying to sound as much like Jake Wood as is humanly possible. It was like Prince Charles meeting Rory Bremner and Bremner conversing with Charles in Charles's own voice.

Do you think Jake Wood realised this? They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Do you think Jake Wood was flattered? I'll leave it at that thought, because I'm beginning to sound like Digital Spy's nemesis Mormon Girl.

That was one truly bizarre scene, except that one understood Jake Wood's delivery, whereas Witts sounded like an unintellible growl, or Jake Wood speaking with his mouth full of poo.

Of course now that Yummy Mummy's gone - and why wasn't she showing up in high dudgeon in Walford dragging Lauren by her extensions down George Street? - the Brannings have gained two wise women. Yummy's out of sight and out of mind, and now that she is, she'll react totally out of character. Of course, she calls Lauren, but Lauren rejects the call.

Lauren goes whining to Cora, who all but admits she's had a struggle to stay sober, herself. But then, she doesn't, does she? Lauren probably got the alcoholic fix she needed simply by having Cora breathe on her. Cora's not for her going back to the clinic. So that bolsters Lauren's reserve.

Her second real epiphany comes from Abi the Dough-Faced Girl, who's frankly scared of Lauren returning and obviously play-acting a part. Abi's indignant that Lauren should treat this whole episode as a lark or as lightly as she does. Abi was afraid Lauren would die, Abi accused Lauren of tearing the family apart. (Well, this much is true, but not for Lauren's drinking; it was her always discovering something she shouldn't know and then making it all about her). And I'd say she actually tore up her family quite a bit when she tried to kill her father. And if she hadn't stolen his credit card to buy a camcorder, we'd never have been subjected to Stax, Tanya burying Max alive and the burgeoning Stacy Show.

Lauren's reaction?

Don't you love me?

In a word, no. In fact, Lauren, I hope someone (please, Dominic Treadwell Collins, please, please, please) has the balls to kill you off. I want Lauren to be strangled by her hair extensions or garrotted by the return of Bobby Beale's pet snake. I want her to inhale her collagened upper lip or for her boob implants to catch fire in Ian Beale's restaurant. Anything, just make her die.

The final word of wisdom is a surprise, and this means that the Brannings now have three wise women (who could be men in drag...)

Now that Max has tried to hump her, Kirsty's gained wisdom and insight. It's Kirsty whom poor pitiful Lauren asks what she should do about staying around or going back to the clinic. Kirsty, an ex-addict herself, says recovery is never easy, but if Lauren thinks this is the best place for her to recover, she should stay, and she'd have Kirsty's support.

And that means Lauren does what Lauren does best - tells Max, her father, what she's going to do and to hell with whatever he's got to say. When he wants to take her back to the clinic, even with Cora-the-Bora buzzing about cackling I'm'er nan, I'm'er nan, Lauren politely tells him to stuff it, she wants to stay, she's got advice and she's even sought a drinks' counsellor (which we'll see one time and who will serve as a plot device for her to meet and start shagging Jamie Lomas's character, which will, in turn, provoke the wrath of Lomas's real-life bitch of a wife, Kym Lomas, who'll make him quit for kissing, in character, an actress who's younger than she and Lomas. Remember when she was Kym Ryder - as in Jack - and groused because he was kissing - in character - Michelle Ryan?) Yeah, we have a lot to look forward to in the autumn, and that probably means a lot of Lauren.

Just think: we got rid of her ex-boyfriend Discipline's smell-the-fart acting only to be replaced by her continuous gurn and windmill technique.

As I said, merde.

II. Merda

The Tale of the Magic Negro, the Moppet and the Mattress.

Although Ava the Rava has been seen at her out-of-school term play group working, she's also seen hanging around the cafe. She's also now sprouting a pineapple hairstyle, which obviously makes it easier for The Magic Negro to hone in on people in need of her wisdom and advice.

This entire vignette was like a cross between a badly-acted public service announcement and a really bad amateur theatre play.

Whitney the Walford Mattress is feeling sorry for herself because she told Ava to stuff the childcare job. Whitney is now a qualified nursery nurse. She had to take a course which required her to write an essay. She even admits she has no qualifications. What a shame the course didn't teach the dirty little chav how to speak properly, as in grammatically correct.

I weren't wrong.

I ain't never'ad nuffink like this before.

I wanna make somefink o'meself.

Whitney resigns herself to self-pity, but Tiffany the Walford Moppett, the twelve-year-old-going-on-twenty-five-playing-a-ten-year-old with budding bosoms, Walford's answer to Simon Barlow, steps up and asks The Magic Negro for a wish: to hire Whitney for the play group.

The Magic Negro sadly shakes her head and tells little Tiffany that Whitney decided she didn't want the job; besides, the Magic Negro has five other young ladies who are cleaner, who will interview that afternoon.

Tiffany the Walford Moppet then talks to Whitney the Walford Mattress and while Whitney is winsomely whining about how much that childcare job meant to her, Tiffany is surreptitiously taping her - even though to tape someone without their consent is illegal and couldn't be used for interview purposes any more than Stacey's taped confession of Archie's murder on Lauren's phone could be used in a court of law.

Still, Tiffany makes the Magic Negro listen to what sounds like Shona McGarty reading a script (and it probably was, as the actress is that lazy), waxing lyrical about the daycare job. It impresses the wise Magic Negro so much that she makes a beeline to the Jackson-Butcher house, announcing this:-

I've spent all afternoon interviewing five candidates for the position, all with excellent qualifications, good attitudes and who were brilliant with the kids, but they weren't enough to satisfy me ...

And so, Whitney, gets the job of her dreams, the chance to "make somefink" of herself ... innit?

So Whitney hugs the Magic Negro, who tells Whitney that her little sister made this possible, and they all live happily ever after ... until Whitney disciplines Denny, the Son of Satan.

Thus endeth the Disney portion of EastEnders, brought to you by Katie Douglas, who has a future at CBBC.

Merda.

III. Mierda.

Sexy Sadie Sucks It Up.

Poopy-La-Dim is another one who has an elevated idea about herself. Egotistical, judgemental, ageist, tactless and just plain stupid, she's not nice. She has a manipulative way of appearing nice, which masquerades a passive-aggressive personality.

She's clearly taken aback that the Salon's been sold right over her head, and she's suddenly got a new boss, who's changed the name of the business from the common and cack-handed double entendre - Booty - to the proper word and simply understated Beauty.

In earning her job, Sadie makes it abundantly clear who's in charge. Poopy-La-Dim is to spend the morning stuffing postboxes with free flyers advertising the new business.

Sadie Sadie Sexy Lady is going to spend the morning, ensconced on a temporary market pitch, giving free Reiki head, hand and shoulder massages to passing men - all of whom happen to have slept with Roxy Mitchell: Ajay, Jack and Michael Moon. Alfie is even accosted by Sadie, who praises his good looks. All this is watched jealously by the fish-eyed Roxy, who seems to have forged an alliance with Kirsty, who thinks Sadie just might enjoy rubbing the tennis ball stubble on top of Max's pate.

Even Denise is watching the proceedings jaundicely, and that's after sending Ian away with a flea in his ear because he's asked her to give Bobby his tea. She's grousing about having to do this ... again.

Now, this is what I don't like about the Denise-Ian alliance. At first, it seemed a good move - anything to move Diane Parish, one of the stronger actresses on the show, centre stage is good. But almost as soon as Denise and Ian are established as a couple, Denise starts whining, undermining and pushing against supporting Ian.

She made an obvious play for the fact that she was turned on by his big businessman Alpha male act, yet she patronises him as if he were within an autistic spectrum like Corrie's Roy Cropper.

We're working on his social skills.

She clearly believed Jean's wild accusation that Ian was sexually harassing her and she nagged Ian relentlessly to "apologise" to Whitney, when Whitney not only was rude to Ian, she spread vicious calumny about him to all and sundry. After Bianca did criminal damage to Ian's business, Denise - instead of supporting Ian - forced him to drop going to the police.

And now, she's moaning because she has to give Bobby his tea. Well, she knew Ian had a young son and that he was running several businesses when she got involved. Dependent children are excess baggage and come with the territory in second, third or even fifth marriages. If Denise marries Ian, she'll be Bobby's step-mother, and she'll be expected, occasionally, to do his tea. Instead, Denise stands with a face like she's sucked a lemon, cursing Ian for asking her to do this, and at the same time, worrying that he might take Sadie up on a free massage - because she also knows that Ian's fidelity record is somewhat lacking as well.

Another Aesop fable of a storyline in all's well that ends well with Sexy Sadie. Poopy-La-Dim points out to her that she really should be concentrating on attracting female clientele to the new business as more women will patronise the business over men.

After a concerted two-woman effort to snub Sadie's touts for business, all it takes is for Sadie to tell Kirsty that she only flirts with men to drum up business. Hell, she'd do whatever to get what she wants. Nothing personal. Only business. Like the mafia. Or a prostitute.

And that makes everything all right for Kirsty to get her hedgerow combed and Roxy to get her hair done for the wedding that won't happen.

Kate Magowan must wonder what the hell kind of alternative universe she's entered.

Well, at least Jack and Ajay invited her to dinner.

Mierda.

IV. Scheiss un Scheisskopfen

You know, it's getting to be old for everyone to disrespect Billy Mitchell. There's no character development there at all, yet, when he's asked to do so, Perry Fenwick can step up and knock it out of the park.

I didn't like the disdain Lucy Beale showed him tonight. He may be a dogsbody, but - as Billy said - he goes back a long way with Janine, and someone along the way should have taught Lucy about respecting people in general. Obviously Ian didn't.

She swanned into the office, annoyed that Billy was sitting at a desk she fancied, so Billy runs to Janine like a tattletale running to a teacher. Janine's response was for Lucy to sort the filing system out, and Janine was so impressed that she commissioned Lucy to - pick a business, any business of Janine's - and write a report on how she thinks the business should be run to maximise Janine's profits.

Of course, she chooses Scarlett's - for obvious reasons, like one upmanship on her old man. And there she finds, after hacking into Ian's accounts, that he's been skimming off Janine's profits in order to pay Carl his extortion. Undercutting the woman who's funded his business exclusively.

This is supposed to be a test of Lucy's integrity and loyalty, but to whom?

I could give a rat's arse, because Hetti Bywater was in a phoning-in mode tonight. When she raises her game, she's adequate. Not great, but better than Jossa and miles better than the lazy McGarty, but when she wants to sit back and phone in the action, she does ... and no one on the production team calls her out. I know she's one of a gaggle of models hired for looks who have no drama school experience, much less acting experience, but this is turning into a serious joke, and it's one of the biggest problems, along with the lack of feasible storylines, that's killing off this show.

I don't care if Lucy is an important legacy character, the actress isn't working in the part. The character should be sent away for a prolonged period and returned, re-cast, in the next five years. Also, the fact that Cindy the Greek is looming on our horizons and is about to be the Beale-that-isn't-a-Beale is beyond a joke, not to mention an unnecessary addition to a demographic that has never been a core part of EastEnders' identity.

And finally ... the name's been uttered.

At last.

Kat's been told that The Ice Queen Cometh, that she's being released "sometime next month." Well, a month from tomorrow's episode, to be precise; but here's a bit of bad continuity, which the lazy-arsed (and sacked) Katie Douglas couldn't be bothered to research.

Some months ago, at the height of the Shack romance, Kat approached Jack, sought him out, and told him that the Probation Service had advised her that Ronnie was soon going to be released, asking if there were anything she wanted incorporated as part of Ronnie's probation conditions.

Kat went to great lengths to inform Jack that she had responded to the letter, saying that she didn't want Ronnie to come back to Walford, that even though she'd forgiven her, she didn't want to see her everyday and be reminded of four months of sheer hell for her and Alfie.

So Kat made certain that an exclusion order from Walford, specifically Albert Square, was part of Ronnie's probation conditions. Well, it would have been, anyway. No matter that Ronnie's family lived in Albert Square, no matter that Ronnie's sister was going to marry Kat's ex-husband, her normal probation conditions would be that she not live within a certain mile-radius of the Moon family and Tommy Moon.

As someone remarked, Alfie and Kat could want Ronnie to be Tommy's live-in nanny, and it simply would not be allowed. The Courts go to great lengths to protect minors, and Ronnie simply would not be allowed around Tommy.

Well, it seems that TPTB - or Katie Douglas, at least - have forgotten all about that, and Kat's now been advised that, like it or not, Ronnie's coming home. To Walford. Take that.

It's spooked her so much, that when Bianca asks if she's told Alfie and wonders what he thinks, Kat's dumb enough to assume he'll accept it as he's now Roxy's squeeze. It takes Bianca the Retard to remind Kat that she and Alfie suffered for Tommy at Ronnie's hand. He deserves to know, but when Kat sees Alfie and Roxy loved up, in what the DS village idiot LOLs as "sexy times" (oh puke), she loses her bottle and botoxes it out of the pub.

Bianca's words are prescient - it's a foreshadowing of the havoc Ronnie's return will create, resulting in an Alfie and Kat reunion.

Oh, and Ronnie's release was delayed due to her behaviour ... Archie's psychopathic daughter, anyone?

Scheiss.

Any way you say it, it comes out as shit.

It just sounds better in a foreign language.