Greeks Bearing Quips - Review: 20.08.2013

Mary, Queen of Scots had a favourite saying:-

In the end is my beginning.

And so she lost her head. Literally.

So the end of the show tonight, was probably the beginning of another adolescent association with EastEnders.

The daughter of Cindy.

Let's make something perfectly clear to the Luddites who know everything about EastEnders, after only having watched since 2006 - or since 2000, if they're a tad older. (Psssst! John Yorke wasn't the best EP the show has had; try Matt Robinson).

Cindy is not Ian's child. When Cindy last left Ian, in the late 1990s, she tried to have him killed, and she fled to Italy with Steven and Peter, having to leave Lucy behind. There, she got involved with a dodgy businessman, Nick Holland (see below) ...

By the time Ian, aided by Grant, Phil and the girl who used to front a Scottish pop group in the 1980s and sang this song ...

... found Cindy, she was pregnant by Holland and hoping to start a new life, which all went tits up when the bruvs kidnapped the boys and a custody battle ensued back in the UK, where Nick Holland learned his squeeze had put the mockers (courtesy of a hit man) on Ian.

You can watch the episode where Cindy comes clean on this link.

And here's the clip several months later, when Ian tells the kids that Cindy has died. In childbirth. In prison.

And here's Cindy's funeral, complete with baby Cindy Jnr, with Ian doing the naming honours and handing her over to Gina to raise.

And here's a clip, from 2007, when Ian was being stalked, where he went to visit Gina and met young (and blonde) Cindy.

As you can see, Cindy Jnr was blonde, very blonde and - unlike her mother - she wasn't a bottle blonde. Yes, her father was half-Italian, but that would only make her one quarter Italian; and his family were milanesi, Northern Italians, where blonde is nothing unusual.

So why does this re-incarnation of Cindy Jnr, the adolescent version, look like Greek Janine ...

with an attitude that mirrors that of spoiled child Faye Hapsburg Windass on Coronation Street?

Look, I'm all for legacy characters, but here we have yet another female wild child, aged fourteen, who - somehow - has made it all the way from Devon to London, contriving to stay with Ian Beale - no relation to her - and setting out to cause havoc right, left and centre. 

Another teen, as well ... just what we needed, when that demographic is so under-represented. (Not). Not just another teen, but one who's associated with an established family in a dominant position, who'll cause trouble from one side of the Square to the other. 

Gee ... think Lola Pearce. Think Stacey Slater. Think Janine Butcher. Haven't we been there, done that, read the book, seen the movie and bought the tee-shirt? And, really, was there any need now for the re-emergence of Cindy the Greek?

I'm not ruling out a return for the daughter of this iconic woman (and we already have her other daughter just as prominent on the Square), but later, perhaps when she was in her twenties or so. I just cannot figure out why now she had to return. She is not a part of the Beale dynamic. She is a Williams, although it wasn't clear what Ian's and Cindy's marital status was when Cindy died. Ian relinquished responsibility for the child, literally upon birth, giving that job to Cindy's sister Gina.

Yes, I know the Beale family is being re-built, but - again - Cindy shouldn't figure in this dynamic, I don't think. But how much re-building does the family need? We have Ian and the twins and Bobby. Denise is about to be associated with it. Bianca's been recognised by Ian this year as "family." David is returning. He's been gone for sixteen years - who's to say there isn't a wife out there (a la Den Watts's Chrissie) and the odd child. There is Joe lurking about. What if he's got a wife and children? The Beales could be the new Brannings, in all shapes sizes and colours - complete with satellites.

Anyway, she's here and looking smug and sassy - oh, and she also broke into the house to get inside, instead of just hanging around outside until Ian or someone returned. Like you do, ya know.

Let's just see how it goes. If anything, if the new EP doesn't like her, she'll be on the next bus out of Walford in six months' time. (And since she's a minor, won't Ian have to have some sort of written legal consent so he can assume parental responsibility - you know, the kind Simon Wicks didn't get when fourteen year-old Steven Beale decided he wanted to stay in New Zealand and the sort Alfie and Kat didn't get when the infamous ten year-old Shenice decided she wanted to stay in Walford the day before school started back in 2011?)

Doctor Love.

Denise and romcom are synonymous. She's the undisputed romcom Queen of Walford.

Each time Denise gets involved with a man, it starts out as a kitschy romcom, until tragedy strikes ...

in one way or another ...

And when they give her some real provocative romcom that could turn into something interesting for the viewer ...

...they fizzle this one out entirely. Denise with Fatboy was infinitely more interesting than Denise with Ian or Fatboy with the ludicrous Poopy-La-Vache.

This romance is a continuation of a bad romcom and a retconned one at that. For starters, Denise and Shirley, long ago, bonded over drink and a shared reminiscence of what a great lover Kevin Wicks was. Hard to believe, I know, but there you have it - and Santer produced it.

Now, earlier this year, we have Denise delivering a heartfelt soliloquy to a sleeping Ian about how Kevin wasn't up to much in the bedroom stakes, and she's now boasting to Kim about her "special arrangement" with Ian whenever she helps him out with his businesses. 

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but Ian Beale has never been known to set the bedroom alight with passion.

• Cindy cheated on him twice, once with his brother.
• Mel was so bored, she fucked her ex-lover Steve Owen on Brighton Beach.
• Laura cheated on Ian in that infamous alleyway with Garry Hobbs.
• Jane was not only unfaithful with Grant Mitchell, but confessed to Christian, her brother, that Ian was nowhere near as satisfying as Grant in bed.
• Glenda made her dissatisfaction known, even intimating to him that he was less than a decent lover and asking if his various wives had complained.
• Mandy told him that Ricky Butcher was better in bed than he was.

You can't get much lower than that. So are we to imagine that Ian Beale has suddenly metamorphosed into Dr Love ...?

Denise is a woman who likes a lot of sex and a lot of passionate sex, hence her moan to Shirley at the time when Lucas was paying far too much attention to burying bodies and stalking prostitutes to give her what she needed. Already, she's quit Ian's company because she felt he was treating her like a skivvy.

And Ian's panicking and burning up the mobile connection, desperate to talk to her.

Mandy had Ian pegged (bad pun). Ian's afraid of being alone. His dependency on a woman is almost Oedipal. Jane even sounded like Kathy and Denise certainly treats him, at times, like a child. His first thought, as a means of getting Denise back into his good books, was to offer her an engagement ring.

Instead, we have what Ian always does - fixes a fancy dinner, closing his restaurant for the evening, when he really should be making money to fund Carl (amongst other things) and fixes Denise a classy meal - Lobster Thermidore and creme caramel. Oooh and with pommes frites.

And here I thought that restaurant was supposed to serve basic English fare at jumped-up prices.

His apology was suitably cheesy, and although I thought the writing for tonight's episode was naff, the writer nailed Ian Beale's weaselly personality in that grovelling speech to Denise. As for Denise, my estimation of her falls a bit more, thinking that she could fall for something like that. But then, this is the new Denise, who was turned on by Alpha Ian, barking orders and flashing the cash. Now she's a sucker for anyone who can rustle her up what's essentiall a rich man's fish and chips with a sample bottle of French fizz.

It I were Denise, I'd make sure I took my exercise bike with me when I became the fifth second-rate Mrs Beale. Or else,make use of Brer David, who seems to like fucking his brothers' wives.

Dirty Old Man.

We're only allowed a one-episode break from ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS.

Well, I guess they had to give the Digital Spy fanbois' wrists a rest; they'd probably run out of clean underwear as well.

Anyway, she's back, and the Go-To Girl is now in full Self-Perpetuating Virgin mode, even turning up at the family business to do a bit of filing before skipping off to a counselling session. Not that we'll see any more, mind.

What we did see, however, was Jamie Lomas being a very bad actor. The three recent (adult) arrivals on EastEnders - Daniel Coonan, Kate Magowan and Lomas - are varied in character; but whilst I've been very impressed with Coonan, am increasingly impressed with Magowan, Lomas falls as flat as his Manc accent.

He's 32, but looks older. OK, he's a recovering alcoholic, so that's understandable; but his "flirtation" with Lauren comes across as skin-crawlingly creepy. We got a badly acted glimpse of his dark side, when he was seen leaving his counselling session, obviously in a bad way.

(Hint, hint: This man has dark secrets).

Someone on Digital Spy suggested he could be married to the banjo-playing counsellor, who strings out her words. I don't think so. She couldn't be counselling him, to begin with, and even if this is a ruse, why should he always be there?

Now Lauren knows he's married, courtesy of his finger (blink and you'd have missed that one), so this gives her a chance to become yet another Cross woman who bums out a marriage (ah, but we have to love her, don't we?). His look as she went into the counselling room tonight was nothing short of a pervy leer.

Another chance for Lauren to play the victim in a last-ditch attempt by TPTB to make us like an eminently unlikeable character. I hope she and Lomas leave together when his six months are up.

Carl Channels a Bit of Sting ...

Carl being The Police in reverse, ironically, because he's watching Max, every step he takes and every move he makes.

The slashed tyres, which just could have been done by kids, who - as Fatboy said - were hanging about the place the previous evening. Or they could have been slashed by Carl. The bottle of booze sent to Lauren.

Carl showing up in just the right places and provoking Max to violence.

Watch this space. This one's going to grow and grow - and, surprisingly, it's going to be interesting.

Gercha!

Poopy-La-Vache comes clean. 

Well, she had to, innit?

I'm not a Poopy fan. She's not sweet, and she's not dim; and her suspicious little mind is now playing tricks on her. She may have mistakenly told Lola the incorrect discount, but she lied about doing so, and Lola was sulking all day and made to do menial tasks by her mother Sadie.

Poopy's little lovesick or hearts and flowers vignettes bore me. She is the living, breathing essence of Lorraine Newman's Love and Warmth EastEnders.

She thinks Fatboy's cheating on her. He's not. Grow the fuck up and move on. And it's about time he stopped being Fatboy and started being Arthur.

Gertcha, bitch!

Desperate Housewives.

Well, who else? The screaming banshees of Walford, Bianca and Kat. I must say, I didn't understand their challenge to bring a plus one they didn't want to be with to the latest Singles Night, where all the most grisly loser-type extras showed up.

At least this vignette gave us the only genuinely funny scene in the show, when Bianca was desperately searching for a non-date in the cafe and landed upon Phil Mitchell, before chickening out and asking him the time. (Play on words: This is the line used by prostitutes who operate in licenced brothels or in places where prostitution is legal, but where they can't be seen to be openly soliciting). 

Funny stuff, which is rare, and I wonder if EastEnders intended it thus. At least this two-episode vignette, which ended in an epiphany moment for both women, when they decided that they didn't need men, that men were the single cause of most of their problems, has given the witless Ajay a purpose, and more dialogue in two episodes than he's had in the year he's been with the programme.

However, men aren't the cause of their problems. Their problems with men are caused by their own inappropriate behaviour and inability to take responsibility for it.

Some folk never learn.

Back to life, back to reality, as the song says. Mediocrity abounds. The only thing that's keeping me hanging in there is the sound of September.