And we all thought the show was doing so well ... that is, until tonight.
Tonight, we saw the understated departure of the vastly overrated Anthony or AntKnee or (in Derekese Annannee) Moon. The Moon Goons were foisted upon us by Bryan Kirkwood for no other reason than he fancied them. They had no character arc, no purpose other than an injection of testosterone which - Kirkwood said - would rival the Mitchell Brothers.
Remember the pitch? "Forget about the Mitchell Bruvs ... The Moon boys are in Walford."
As someone who's watched the programme from its inception, I know that every time an Executive Producer goes looking for testosterone, it's an epic FAIL.
The DiMarco brothers? Failure.
The Ferreiras? Bombed.
The Moons? Fuggeddaboutit.
And Anthony was supposed to be the smart one.
Forget what I said in my previous review. Tonight's programme illustrated precisely why Matt Lapinskas was released from his contract. The term "in over his head" springs instantly to mind; but Tyler still remains, and one has to ask the question ... Why?
Tonight's episode was a gaggle of characters whom the show would be better served if Lorraine Newman summoned the spiritual balls to ditch.
Anthony, Derek, Joey, Lucy, Katshit ... all featured heavily, and all stank. At least it was Anthony's farewell. The question remains: When will we be seeing the backsides of them all leaving Walford for good - as well as Whitney, Tyler, Lauren, Jack, Bianca and her awful children?
Batshit
Anthony or AntKnee or Annannee was originally billed as the clever Moon brother, the one whom Tyler was, variously, supposed to admire. Instead, TPTB tried to twist him into everything bad that was a combination of Bradley, Jamie Mitchell and - shock, horror - Callum Monks.
He reminded me of this:-
A Deer in the Headlights AKA AntKnee Moon
His whole exit was rushed and ridiculous. Like Andrew Cotton, he should have simply been allowed to disappear quietly, with no one noticing until months down the line when someone would suddenly enquire, "Where's AntKnee?" As if they'd suddenly realised he wasn't about.
No one noticed him but Alice, and I could never understand why a 26 year-old man cavorted around 18 year-olds who were just a hop, skip and a jump away from being jailbait themselves. He acted like a spotty, self-conscious adolescent. Bradley could carry that naivete with panache. Even Dean Wicks could. But both of them were genuinely eighteen.
Lapinskas was an inexperienced actor hired for the big time who didn't measure up. I understand, as Scrabbler from Digital Spy explains, that the reason behind the hiring of so many inexperienced and very young actors on the programme is down to budgeting limitations - in other words, they come cheap; but I'd rather have a few quality actors in more scenes than a gaggle of untalented, inexperienced and unlikeable youths hogging screentime.
I won't miss him, and quite honestly, his crying scenes were embarrassing. Even now, the actor loses no opportunity to push the buttons of communication whining about how disappointed he is to leave and how he is courting a return. As fucking if. Goodbye and good luck. Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out.
Mouthbreathing Denotes Low Intelligence
Get rid of one talentless piece of beefcake, replace him with another. Lather, rinse, recycle, repeat ... e voila' ... Joey Gaaaaaaaa-Lol-lol-lol Branning.
Please, PLEASE ... EastEnders, work with this asshole and tell him to SHUT HIS MOUTH. Honestly, it hangs open ALL the time. And it appears as though his tongue is too big for it. Someone's told him about his voice, however, because now, instead of doing a Steve Owen purrrrrr, he's trying a cross between a Derek growl and Tyler Moon incoherence.
Snippets of his dialogue tonight ...
AntKnee: 'Ello, Joey.
Joey: Gerra-gorra-geera-poker-gurra-garra.
His diction is as bad, if not worse than Tony Discipline's. I know that neither of these manchildren have trained to act - in fact all they did was pose in tight-fitting undies; so all the money the Beeb is saving on higher wages could be directed into a good diction coach for these two worthy dick-shun candidates.
Joey was rancid from the getgo - and the message tonight was: Hey, suckers, we get rid of one asshole, and leave a worse one in his place.
If anyone fails to see that Joey and Derek are one and the same, then you aren't looking. Who remembers how Derek stirred, especially upon his arrival and especially during Jack's custody trial for Amy - winding Roxy up, then winding Jack up ... lying to one and the to the other. Joey is as much a control freak as his old man. Alice is Carol to Joey's Derek. How long before he smacks her across the face?
His aim is to get her to hate his father as much as he does, but I'm waiting for a tragic epiphany to occur when he realises he is Derek, albeit a younger version, and we'll be treated to an even more embarrassing display of non-talent comparable to the one we saw with AntKnee tonight.
And, please, EastEnders, get it right. If you're going to imply that Joey runs regularly in order to enhance his steroid intake, at least show a bit of sweat as well as grubby trainers. For fuck's sake, he was running on a rainy day, and they weren't even damp. At least Ronnie used to break sweat when she ran around the Square.
It's good to see his control freakery being revealed to Lucy as well, but she's too damned dumb to notice. Where the hell does that toerag get off issuing orders about in the Beale house as well? Thinking Ian should work to pay for his lazy grub-fueled ass.
If Tyler Moon wants to redeem himself in any way as a character, he should deck this beanhead. Or at least smack his mouth shut.
Miss Skeletor
I am sorry to harp on about this, but the actress who plays Lucy Beale is seriously anorexic. There is thin and there is emaciated, and she's the latter. She is a tall girl, as is Jacqueline Jossa; but Jossa is thin and looks healthy, because she has muscle which is toned. Bywater has absolutely no muscle tone at all. The sleeveless tops, the knobby shoulders which look like bad shoulder pants and stick-thin thighs and hips in tight jeans look shocking. This isn't weight jealousy, this is concern. Witts looks as though he could snap her in two.
Anyway, Lucy is still a stupid little bitch, who can't think for herself. She shoves a pork session off with Joey because she "has to work." But now, according to Joey, her empire is taking up too much of her time and she needs to get a life and let Ian slave for them. So she sucks up his idea. She's another mouth-breather too.
As well as ...
Not pretty, and she doesn't have a pretty attitude either. I'm not surprised at her wanting to sell the stall, but I can't fathom how that's going to give her more of a "life." She wouldn't work the stall anyway - far too beneath her; and besides, before his breakdown, Ian had hired help working there. One can only assume she wanted Ian to work his guts out between the cafe and the chippy, with the stall unimportant. But remember, this is the dipshit who thought Ben was a Beale, and come to think of it, she's not mentioned Ben's predicament at all, which is strange, since her head was so far up his ass recently.
I'm glad Sharon had some words with her, although I was hoping that she'd smack the shit out of the ungrateful, little bitch. In fact, I'd love to see a resounding smack with Lucy's oversized head wobbling from side to side.
And Lollygag, love, no, you're not the only person in Walford to be put upon by a father who did a disappearing act. If Sharon, who lived with a missing dad for fourteen years, can't convince you, why not have a chat with Janine, who could equally clue you in on what she suffered ... and I can assure you, both Den Watts and Frank Butcher were far, far worse as fathers than Ian Beale could ever hope to be.
I hope she leaves. She can piss off and all.
The Shagger and the Shagger's Slut
Derek ... and Katshit.
Of course, Derek's Shaggerman. He appears from nowhere today, flush with money, and carries on being Derek.
Katshit, on the other hand, is a pure slut. Her treatment of Roxy was uncalled for- snidely alluding to the fact that she's had more homes than the littlest hobo. Kat's the guttersnipe bitch. More than that, she's the alley cat who'd couple with any old Tom. And she's a selfish slut to raid the till just so she can buy an ueber-expensive pair of shoes. All because Shirley puked on her other pair.
Take note, darlin', If Derek is Joey, then Shirley is you in ten years' time.
I so hope Jamie Foreman's contract isn't renewed, and maybe Jessie Wallace can leave with him because she certainly isn't working this time around.
The Plus Sides
Loads of people remark on Sharon's understated presence. Her writing tonight was the best part of the episode. The ex-Emmerdale writer who did this piece got most of the episode wrong, but he got Sharon right. The more she's around Steve McFadden and Adam Woodyatt, the better she is, and I can see her, in time and over the years, growing into the Pat-type of matriarch. At least, thank goodness, Lorraine Newman isn't foisting Cora down our throats.
Sharon doesn't work, however, with Jack Branning.
The Masoods, as well, were a nice interlude. I like AJ, but I can see where too much of his cheeky, chappy manner might begin to grate, considering that we have several such characters hanging around already. As he's a mechanic, we know where he'll end up ... The Arches. (Not the Archers, who are on Radio 4).
And finally, Poppy and Alice. I'd go so far to say that - bar Abi and Jay - the whole damned shabang of youth could be dropped off one of the White Cliffs, but leave Poppy and Alice intact. They have jobs, they have ambition, and they're likeable. Breaths of fresh air away from the scurvy, entitled, spoiled and lazy-arsed Lauren, Lucy and Whitney.
Awful episode. Hopefully, however, it will reveal to Ms Newman exactly who needs to be axed.
Tonight, we saw the understated departure of the vastly overrated Anthony or AntKnee or (in Derekese Annannee) Moon. The Moon Goons were foisted upon us by Bryan Kirkwood for no other reason than he fancied them. They had no character arc, no purpose other than an injection of testosterone which - Kirkwood said - would rival the Mitchell Brothers.
Remember the pitch? "Forget about the Mitchell Bruvs ... The Moon boys are in Walford."
As someone who's watched the programme from its inception, I know that every time an Executive Producer goes looking for testosterone, it's an epic FAIL.
The DiMarco brothers? Failure.
The Ferreiras? Bombed.
The Moons? Fuggeddaboutit.
And Anthony was supposed to be the smart one.
Forget what I said in my previous review. Tonight's programme illustrated precisely why Matt Lapinskas was released from his contract. The term "in over his head" springs instantly to mind; but Tyler still remains, and one has to ask the question ... Why?
Tonight's episode was a gaggle of characters whom the show would be better served if Lorraine Newman summoned the spiritual balls to ditch.
Anthony, Derek, Joey, Lucy, Katshit ... all featured heavily, and all stank. At least it was Anthony's farewell. The question remains: When will we be seeing the backsides of them all leaving Walford for good - as well as Whitney, Tyler, Lauren, Jack, Bianca and her awful children?
Batshit
Anthony or AntKnee or Annannee was originally billed as the clever Moon brother, the one whom Tyler was, variously, supposed to admire. Instead, TPTB tried to twist him into everything bad that was a combination of Bradley, Jamie Mitchell and - shock, horror - Callum Monks.
He reminded me of this:-
A Deer in the Headlights AKA AntKnee Moon
His whole exit was rushed and ridiculous. Like Andrew Cotton, he should have simply been allowed to disappear quietly, with no one noticing until months down the line when someone would suddenly enquire, "Where's AntKnee?" As if they'd suddenly realised he wasn't about.
No one noticed him but Alice, and I could never understand why a 26 year-old man cavorted around 18 year-olds who were just a hop, skip and a jump away from being jailbait themselves. He acted like a spotty, self-conscious adolescent. Bradley could carry that naivete with panache. Even Dean Wicks could. But both of them were genuinely eighteen.
Lapinskas was an inexperienced actor hired for the big time who didn't measure up. I understand, as Scrabbler from Digital Spy explains, that the reason behind the hiring of so many inexperienced and very young actors on the programme is down to budgeting limitations - in other words, they come cheap; but I'd rather have a few quality actors in more scenes than a gaggle of untalented, inexperienced and unlikeable youths hogging screentime.
I won't miss him, and quite honestly, his crying scenes were embarrassing. Even now, the actor loses no opportunity to push the buttons of communication whining about how disappointed he is to leave and how he is courting a return. As fucking if. Goodbye and good luck. Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out.
Mouthbreathing Denotes Low Intelligence
Get rid of one talentless piece of beefcake, replace him with another. Lather, rinse, recycle, repeat ... e voila' ... Joey Gaaaaaaaa-Lol-lol-lol Branning.
Please, PLEASE ... EastEnders, work with this asshole and tell him to SHUT HIS MOUTH. Honestly, it hangs open ALL the time. And it appears as though his tongue is too big for it. Someone's told him about his voice, however, because now, instead of doing a Steve Owen purrrrrr, he's trying a cross between a Derek growl and Tyler Moon incoherence.
Snippets of his dialogue tonight ...
AntKnee: 'Ello, Joey.
Joey: Gerra-gorra-geera-poker-gurra-garra.
His diction is as bad, if not worse than Tony Discipline's. I know that neither of these manchildren have trained to act - in fact all they did was pose in tight-fitting undies; so all the money the Beeb is saving on higher wages could be directed into a good diction coach for these two worthy dick-shun candidates.
Joey was rancid from the getgo - and the message tonight was: Hey, suckers, we get rid of one asshole, and leave a worse one in his place.
If anyone fails to see that Joey and Derek are one and the same, then you aren't looking. Who remembers how Derek stirred, especially upon his arrival and especially during Jack's custody trial for Amy - winding Roxy up, then winding Jack up ... lying to one and the to the other. Joey is as much a control freak as his old man. Alice is Carol to Joey's Derek. How long before he smacks her across the face?
His aim is to get her to hate his father as much as he does, but I'm waiting for a tragic epiphany to occur when he realises he is Derek, albeit a younger version, and we'll be treated to an even more embarrassing display of non-talent comparable to the one we saw with AntKnee tonight.
And, please, EastEnders, get it right. If you're going to imply that Joey runs regularly in order to enhance his steroid intake, at least show a bit of sweat as well as grubby trainers. For fuck's sake, he was running on a rainy day, and they weren't even damp. At least Ronnie used to break sweat when she ran around the Square.
It's good to see his control freakery being revealed to Lucy as well, but she's too damned dumb to notice. Where the hell does that toerag get off issuing orders about in the Beale house as well? Thinking Ian should work to pay for his lazy grub-fueled ass.
If Tyler Moon wants to redeem himself in any way as a character, he should deck this beanhead. Or at least smack his mouth shut.
Miss Skeletor
I am sorry to harp on about this, but the actress who plays Lucy Beale is seriously anorexic. There is thin and there is emaciated, and she's the latter. She is a tall girl, as is Jacqueline Jossa; but Jossa is thin and looks healthy, because she has muscle which is toned. Bywater has absolutely no muscle tone at all. The sleeveless tops, the knobby shoulders which look like bad shoulder pants and stick-thin thighs and hips in tight jeans look shocking. This isn't weight jealousy, this is concern. Witts looks as though he could snap her in two.
Anyway, Lucy is still a stupid little bitch, who can't think for herself. She shoves a pork session off with Joey because she "has to work." But now, according to Joey, her empire is taking up too much of her time and she needs to get a life and let Ian slave for them. So she sucks up his idea. She's another mouth-breather too.
As well as ...
Not pretty, and she doesn't have a pretty attitude either. I'm not surprised at her wanting to sell the stall, but I can't fathom how that's going to give her more of a "life." She wouldn't work the stall anyway - far too beneath her; and besides, before his breakdown, Ian had hired help working there. One can only assume she wanted Ian to work his guts out between the cafe and the chippy, with the stall unimportant. But remember, this is the dipshit who thought Ben was a Beale, and come to think of it, she's not mentioned Ben's predicament at all, which is strange, since her head was so far up his ass recently.
I'm glad Sharon had some words with her, although I was hoping that she'd smack the shit out of the ungrateful, little bitch. In fact, I'd love to see a resounding smack with Lucy's oversized head wobbling from side to side.
And Lollygag, love, no, you're not the only person in Walford to be put upon by a father who did a disappearing act. If Sharon, who lived with a missing dad for fourteen years, can't convince you, why not have a chat with Janine, who could equally clue you in on what she suffered ... and I can assure you, both Den Watts and Frank Butcher were far, far worse as fathers than Ian Beale could ever hope to be.
I hope she leaves. She can piss off and all.
The Shagger and the Shagger's Slut
Derek ... and Katshit.
Of course, Derek's Shaggerman. He appears from nowhere today, flush with money, and carries on being Derek.
Katshit, on the other hand, is a pure slut. Her treatment of Roxy was uncalled for- snidely alluding to the fact that she's had more homes than the littlest hobo. Kat's the guttersnipe bitch. More than that, she's the alley cat who'd couple with any old Tom. And she's a selfish slut to raid the till just so she can buy an ueber-expensive pair of shoes. All because Shirley puked on her other pair.
Take note, darlin', If Derek is Joey, then Shirley is you in ten years' time.
I so hope Jamie Foreman's contract isn't renewed, and maybe Jessie Wallace can leave with him because she certainly isn't working this time around.
The Plus Sides
Loads of people remark on Sharon's understated presence. Her writing tonight was the best part of the episode. The ex-Emmerdale writer who did this piece got most of the episode wrong, but he got Sharon right. The more she's around Steve McFadden and Adam Woodyatt, the better she is, and I can see her, in time and over the years, growing into the Pat-type of matriarch. At least, thank goodness, Lorraine Newman isn't foisting Cora down our throats.
Sharon doesn't work, however, with Jack Branning.
The Masoods, as well, were a nice interlude. I like AJ, but I can see where too much of his cheeky, chappy manner might begin to grate, considering that we have several such characters hanging around already. As he's a mechanic, we know where he'll end up ... The Arches. (Not the Archers, who are on Radio 4).
And finally, Poppy and Alice. I'd go so far to say that - bar Abi and Jay - the whole damned shabang of youth could be dropped off one of the White Cliffs, but leave Poppy and Alice intact. They have jobs, they have ambition, and they're likeable. Breaths of fresh air away from the scurvy, entitled, spoiled and lazy-arsed Lauren, Lucy and Whitney.
Awful episode. Hopefully, however, it will reveal to Ms Newman exactly who needs to be axed.
Must admit, I want old Lucy back. You remember her, her that would have fleeced Derek and had him up for sexual assualt, and tried to pin Hevs murder on him all before she sat down to eat her cornflakes in the morning.
ReplyDeleteThis one, I just fear for her. I fear for any creation she might produce with Tadpole, not to be too crude about it, but with those hips......
Professor Plum