Sometimes, you say it best when you say nothing at all, and Adam Woodyatt, one of the three most underrated actors in the programme, was the focal point and played his part to perfection, without uttering a word.
This is one of the rare times I've actually liked Tanya, and one of the rarer times that Max was good with Tanya.
But before I actually praise this episode, something I've done sparingly of late, let's get the stinky stuff out of the way first.
Mouth-Breathers Anonymous: That's the unholy union of Lucy the Ragbone Babe and The Poor Man's Dennis, AKA Joey. Do these actors have adenoid problems? Surely, now that my licence fee is paying their five-figure salary, they can haul themselves off to Harley Street and get their nasal gland done, because I am pigsick as hell watching their mouths hang open when they're not uttering dialogue - which is an effort to understand with Joey.
Can someone at the BBC please, please, please pay for David Witts and Tony Discipline to have diction lessons? I want to know when Eastenders threw caution to the wind and started hiring underwear models and aspiring catwalk queens (and one who clearly hasn't got the message that the modeling industry have given up on heroin chic as the new sexy) who have no professional training.
A person hanging about with his or her mouth open and nothing to say is not sexy. It's ignorant and in poor taste.
However, Lucy annoys me. Another thing I wish the producers or whoever would do is stop showing her in sleeveless tops until she's put on some weight, and she should be made to do so. I am terribly sorry, but this actress is too thin, especially when compared tonight to the likes of Jacqueline Jossa, Jasmine Banks, Rachel Bright and Shona McGarty. Banks, Bright and McGarty are small in stature, but they look healthy. Their arms are toned and fleshed out. Jossa, like Hetti Bywater, is tall, but the initial scenes of her dashing to the Butcher house in search of Whitney showed what someone of that height with a healthy weight should look like, and she was damned more attractive that that twiglet playing Lucy.
To think someone like Joey Branning would even consider that rag, bone and hank of bleached hair sexy - with no boobs, no hips, matchstick legs and doorknob shoulders - is preposterous. He looks as if he could easily snap her in two with his thumb and forefinger.
I don't like Lucy, and I also think whoever wrote this episode tonight got their wires crossed. Why? Think Ben on the stall, and his line to Billy about the fruit and veg stall being "in his blood." Follow that with Lucy saying that she and Ben were the "next generation of Beales."
Wrong.
Ben's heritage has nothing whatsoever to do with the fruit and veg stall. Ben's heritage is Mitchell and Hills. Ben is a first cousin to Sarah and Tony Hills and is related to the Beale twins and Bobby through his mother, who was only a Beale by marriage. And dumbass Lucy was wrong as well. Ben is as much a Beale as Auntie Sal is a Mitchell, which is to say, not at all. Sal is Peggy's sister, and Lucy's Beale heritage is via her paternal grandfather's side. Bianca is a Beale. Ben isn't. Liam has more right to be on that stall than Ben Mitchell.
And I want some writer to explain this in dialogue: Ian obviously had a business account with the bank, through which he paid outgoings - purchases, business rates, and wages for his staff. Ian, and quite possibly Jane, when she was married to him, would have been signatories to this account. Lucy must be using this account, paying in proceeds and paying outgoings. She surely couldn't be conducting all manner of business via cash only? Surely she does understand VAT and how it's paid? Surely she understands the concept of business rates? And, if I recall correctly, the Beale house was re-mortgaged. That can't have been paid off. As well, Ian still has a flat on the Square that he owns which he rents out to someone. If she's taken over his "empire," she'll have to answer to the tenant's demand for upkeep.
So, who the hell is signing the cheques? Is Lucy forging Ian's signature? Or is she following Joey's dubious business advice and doing everything cash-in-hand?
She's such a snot-nosed, smug little bitch - especially with her line about her and Ben not being "greedy." Lucy was and always has been one of the most selfish characters on the show. She totally disdained and disregarded Ian, and threw a strop if she didn't get her way or whatever she wanted. Ian spoiled her rotten, and it's about to be thrown right back in his face. Oh, and she has no right to deny Ian his house.
As for Joey, she's known him a matter of weeks. He could be anyone, and she needs to realise that, to Joey, she's just a compliantbag of bones body who'll give him sex as long as he ensures that she gets whatever money is due her and pays her bills. That's a euphemism for prostitution. For Joey, she's his slut of the moment. Joey's real concern and respect is for his sister. Joey wouldn't want to see Alice with a man like Anthony Moon, nor would he want to see her with a man like himself or Derek. Clock the reference to Derek tonight when Alice blew him off about dating Anthony.
As for Anthony, I don't see what's wrong with Alice, and I don't like the way the writers are setting her up to be some sort of geeky girl. Even Fatboy was making snide comments under his breath about her, and Poppy was miming apologies to Anthony about landing him with Alice for a date.
Alice is one of the few genuinely nice characters on the programme. She's pleasant, she's been well brought-up and I find her likeable. Just because she doesn't flash her cleavage and get ratted of bitch about other people, she's considered weird. She's got a job, and she's responsible - which is a lot more than you can say for Lauren. She's unassuming, modest and generous - something you can't say about Lucy or Whitney on a bad day. She's also reasonably intelligent, and that's something Poppy's not.
Yet Alice is treated like a pariah. The sooner Anthony leaves, the better; and he can take Fatboy with him. He's no longer funny.
By the way, if anyone believes that Lucy Beale is going to sit down and eat a plate of lasagna, then there's a bridge in New York I want to sell you.
Right, that's the shit done ... on to the good bits.
(By the way, all of the above referred to the "thieves" part of the title; because of the Ragbone Babe doing her old man out of his businesses.)
The Psychos
Foreshadowing tonight with those brief scenes of Michael Moon - first walking into the office to find Billy and chavvy Lola having just changed the baby's nappy, in order for us to learn that Scarlett had been given the all-clear and would be home soon - presumably the next week. Then the wordless scene of Michael sitting in his house, surrounded by scores of baby stuff, and looking increasingly uneasy.
For what it's worth, I don't think Michael is the Mystery Shagger.
And the Ben-Jay dynamic continues to disintegrate. Ben has put Heather's murder away in a far corner of his psychopathic little mind and can't understand why Jay can't do the same. Heather's dead, no one's sniffing around or suspecting him, that's all in the past. A sick attitude, but that's Ben. He can't even comprehend that Jay used the past tense in describing their pseudo-fraternal relationship. Ben's keeping of the picture frame was, he admitted, "out of order," which completely trivialises the fact that Ben killed a woman who'd shown him nothing but love, understanding and compassion. He doesn't even feel remorse.
And Jay has Ben summed up perfectly, as exhibited in their attempt to put the baby chair together. Ben put the wrong screw into the leg of the chair, but it wasn't his fault. He asked Jay for the screw, but didn't specify which type; so it's Jay's fault. Just like the fact that Jay didn't stop him from braining Heather means that it's Jay's fault Ben killed her. Total abnegation of responsibility, and their non-relationship is a boiling cauldron as the minutes tick by before the picture frame is discovered.
I'm still feeling no sympathy or liking at all for Lola, and it amazes me that the fact that she's had a baby in full view of the Square makes her some sort of Walford sweetheart. She's another one who can't leave quick enough.
The Tramp
The best part of the show, however, lay in the search for Ian by Tanya, Max and Alfie. I know the Brannings are shoehorned into every storyline - and they dominated the proceedings tonight - but I'm glad that they remembered to include Alfie in their search. After all, Alfie is Ian's best friend and had more to do with him than either Max or Tanya of late. One discrepancy: Alfie referenced the state Ian was in when he left, but Alfie was away from Walford when Ian went missing. He was off at Charlie's with Kat. In fact, Ian spent the bulk of his penultimate episode trying to contact Alfie by phone, and Alfie hasn't once remarked upon Ian's absence or wondered where he was since he returned.
Be that as it may, the search showed Alfie and Max at their best. Shane Richie needs more scenes where he's away from the cheeky, chirpy chappie, and just as Max is always better sans Tanya, Alfie is definitely better away from Kat. In fact, the whole of this week's episodes have been that much the better for having nothing to do with the Shagger affair or for having no scenes with the woman who's become easily the most unpopular character in the show.
Great performance by Adam Woodyatt, and great continuity on that part, because it was blatantly obvious that Ian was suffering from a breakdown when he left. Lucy's inability to understand only emphasizes her immaturity as well as her selfishness and her self-obsession.
It's going to be interesting seeing where Ian goes from here, especially since we know it was Ben's confession to him which tipped him over the edge.
Good episode. Not perfect, but getting there in preparation for the return of the real Queen of Walford.
Would all pretenders kindly leave the building now?
This is one of the rare times I've actually liked Tanya, and one of the rarer times that Max was good with Tanya.
But before I actually praise this episode, something I've done sparingly of late, let's get the stinky stuff out of the way first.
Mouth-Breathers Anonymous: That's the unholy union of Lucy the Ragbone Babe and The Poor Man's Dennis, AKA Joey. Do these actors have adenoid problems? Surely, now that my licence fee is paying their five-figure salary, they can haul themselves off to Harley Street and get their nasal gland done, because I am pigsick as hell watching their mouths hang open when they're not uttering dialogue - which is an effort to understand with Joey.
Can someone at the BBC please, please, please pay for David Witts and Tony Discipline to have diction lessons? I want to know when Eastenders threw caution to the wind and started hiring underwear models and aspiring catwalk queens (and one who clearly hasn't got the message that the modeling industry have given up on heroin chic as the new sexy) who have no professional training.
A person hanging about with his or her mouth open and nothing to say is not sexy. It's ignorant and in poor taste.
However, Lucy annoys me. Another thing I wish the producers or whoever would do is stop showing her in sleeveless tops until she's put on some weight, and she should be made to do so. I am terribly sorry, but this actress is too thin, especially when compared tonight to the likes of Jacqueline Jossa, Jasmine Banks, Rachel Bright and Shona McGarty. Banks, Bright and McGarty are small in stature, but they look healthy. Their arms are toned and fleshed out. Jossa, like Hetti Bywater, is tall, but the initial scenes of her dashing to the Butcher house in search of Whitney showed what someone of that height with a healthy weight should look like, and she was damned more attractive that that twiglet playing Lucy.
To think someone like Joey Branning would even consider that rag, bone and hank of bleached hair sexy - with no boobs, no hips, matchstick legs and doorknob shoulders - is preposterous. He looks as if he could easily snap her in two with his thumb and forefinger.
I don't like Lucy, and I also think whoever wrote this episode tonight got their wires crossed. Why? Think Ben on the stall, and his line to Billy about the fruit and veg stall being "in his blood." Follow that with Lucy saying that she and Ben were the "next generation of Beales."
Wrong.
Ben's heritage has nothing whatsoever to do with the fruit and veg stall. Ben's heritage is Mitchell and Hills. Ben is a first cousin to Sarah and Tony Hills and is related to the Beale twins and Bobby through his mother, who was only a Beale by marriage. And dumbass Lucy was wrong as well. Ben is as much a Beale as Auntie Sal is a Mitchell, which is to say, not at all. Sal is Peggy's sister, and Lucy's Beale heritage is via her paternal grandfather's side. Bianca is a Beale. Ben isn't. Liam has more right to be on that stall than Ben Mitchell.
And I want some writer to explain this in dialogue: Ian obviously had a business account with the bank, through which he paid outgoings - purchases, business rates, and wages for his staff. Ian, and quite possibly Jane, when she was married to him, would have been signatories to this account. Lucy must be using this account, paying in proceeds and paying outgoings. She surely couldn't be conducting all manner of business via cash only? Surely she does understand VAT and how it's paid? Surely she understands the concept of business rates? And, if I recall correctly, the Beale house was re-mortgaged. That can't have been paid off. As well, Ian still has a flat on the Square that he owns which he rents out to someone. If she's taken over his "empire," she'll have to answer to the tenant's demand for upkeep.
So, who the hell is signing the cheques? Is Lucy forging Ian's signature? Or is she following Joey's dubious business advice and doing everything cash-in-hand?
She's such a snot-nosed, smug little bitch - especially with her line about her and Ben not being "greedy." Lucy was and always has been one of the most selfish characters on the show. She totally disdained and disregarded Ian, and threw a strop if she didn't get her way or whatever she wanted. Ian spoiled her rotten, and it's about to be thrown right back in his face. Oh, and she has no right to deny Ian his house.
As for Joey, she's known him a matter of weeks. He could be anyone, and she needs to realise that, to Joey, she's just a compliant
As for Anthony, I don't see what's wrong with Alice, and I don't like the way the writers are setting her up to be some sort of geeky girl. Even Fatboy was making snide comments under his breath about her, and Poppy was miming apologies to Anthony about landing him with Alice for a date.
Alice is one of the few genuinely nice characters on the programme. She's pleasant, she's been well brought-up and I find her likeable. Just because she doesn't flash her cleavage and get ratted of bitch about other people, she's considered weird. She's got a job, and she's responsible - which is a lot more than you can say for Lauren. She's unassuming, modest and generous - something you can't say about Lucy or Whitney on a bad day. She's also reasonably intelligent, and that's something Poppy's not.
Yet Alice is treated like a pariah. The sooner Anthony leaves, the better; and he can take Fatboy with him. He's no longer funny.
By the way, if anyone believes that Lucy Beale is going to sit down and eat a plate of lasagna, then there's a bridge in New York I want to sell you.
Right, that's the shit done ... on to the good bits.
(By the way, all of the above referred to the "thieves" part of the title; because of the Ragbone Babe doing her old man out of his businesses.)
The Psychos
Foreshadowing tonight with those brief scenes of Michael Moon - first walking into the office to find Billy and chavvy Lola having just changed the baby's nappy, in order for us to learn that Scarlett had been given the all-clear and would be home soon - presumably the next week. Then the wordless scene of Michael sitting in his house, surrounded by scores of baby stuff, and looking increasingly uneasy.
For what it's worth, I don't think Michael is the Mystery Shagger.
And the Ben-Jay dynamic continues to disintegrate. Ben has put Heather's murder away in a far corner of his psychopathic little mind and can't understand why Jay can't do the same. Heather's dead, no one's sniffing around or suspecting him, that's all in the past. A sick attitude, but that's Ben. He can't even comprehend that Jay used the past tense in describing their pseudo-fraternal relationship. Ben's keeping of the picture frame was, he admitted, "out of order," which completely trivialises the fact that Ben killed a woman who'd shown him nothing but love, understanding and compassion. He doesn't even feel remorse.
And Jay has Ben summed up perfectly, as exhibited in their attempt to put the baby chair together. Ben put the wrong screw into the leg of the chair, but it wasn't his fault. He asked Jay for the screw, but didn't specify which type; so it's Jay's fault. Just like the fact that Jay didn't stop him from braining Heather means that it's Jay's fault Ben killed her. Total abnegation of responsibility, and their non-relationship is a boiling cauldron as the minutes tick by before the picture frame is discovered.
I'm still feeling no sympathy or liking at all for Lola, and it amazes me that the fact that she's had a baby in full view of the Square makes her some sort of Walford sweetheart. She's another one who can't leave quick enough.
The Tramp
The best part of the show, however, lay in the search for Ian by Tanya, Max and Alfie. I know the Brannings are shoehorned into every storyline - and they dominated the proceedings tonight - but I'm glad that they remembered to include Alfie in their search. After all, Alfie is Ian's best friend and had more to do with him than either Max or Tanya of late. One discrepancy: Alfie referenced the state Ian was in when he left, but Alfie was away from Walford when Ian went missing. He was off at Charlie's with Kat. In fact, Ian spent the bulk of his penultimate episode trying to contact Alfie by phone, and Alfie hasn't once remarked upon Ian's absence or wondered where he was since he returned.
Be that as it may, the search showed Alfie and Max at their best. Shane Richie needs more scenes where he's away from the cheeky, chirpy chappie, and just as Max is always better sans Tanya, Alfie is definitely better away from Kat. In fact, the whole of this week's episodes have been that much the better for having nothing to do with the Shagger affair or for having no scenes with the woman who's become easily the most unpopular character in the show.
Great performance by Adam Woodyatt, and great continuity on that part, because it was blatantly obvious that Ian was suffering from a breakdown when he left. Lucy's inability to understand only emphasizes her immaturity as well as her selfishness and her self-obsession.
It's going to be interesting seeing where Ian goes from here, especially since we know it was Ben's confession to him which tipped him over the edge.
Good episode. Not perfect, but getting there in preparation for the return of the real Queen of Walford.
Would all pretenders kindly leave the building now?
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