Well, Nigel, really, according to his song, but we all know Nigel left with a happy ending. Anyway, keep the song in mind, but with "Derek's" name in place ...
Two discussions raging now on Digital Spy and Walford Web Kindergarten are arguing just that - with a nod and a wink to yet another "whodunnit" centering around Derek's death at Christmastime.
OK, let me make myself clear. It's by no means official that Derek is even leaving, much less being killed off, either at Christmas or any other time; but ... the signs are clear that he may be departing.
Consider that :-
All right, here's what we know for sure:-
1. Derek has been involved in practically everything and with everybody since he surfaced last year.
2. The Brannings are going to have a big Christmas storyline (again).
3. Shane Richie says that Alfie and Kat are going to have a big Christmas storyline.
4. Perry Fenwick says that Billy and Lola are going to have a big Christmas storyline.
Best guess is that there's going to be a helluva big Christmas storyline and somehow it will concern all of the above - the Brannings, Alfie and Kat, Billy and Lola (and by extension, the Mitchells). It may even result in Derek leaving, but one thing for certain: I don't think EastEnders will be having Anthony Moon, as dynamic as he was, return for whatever purpose, so The Queen Vic can just peel those creamed knickers down from the ceiling right now.
Consider the fact that we had Yusef consumed by fire last Christmas, Pat die on New Year's Day, Heather murdered and now Shaggerman is about to be revealed, I think EastEnders' audience have been, variously, overkilled on sensationalism, the Brannings and boredom throughout the year.
Derek will go, and he'll most likely leave at Christmas; but let's have him just leave, or else get caught handling stolen goods and return to prison, as he's out on licence.
Apart from annoying 95% of the viewers, he's also managed to annoy just about everyone else in Walford, bar Sharon, and she has yet to meet him. Thus far, he's managed to piss off the following people: Tanya, Max, Roxie, Alfie, Lucy, Whitney, Tyler, Michael, Patrick, Phil, Shirley, Masood and AJ (and that was when AJ was only visiting). Have I missed anyone? Kat? Well, I daresay, he'll piss her off when she's left with a good case of the clap or something else. And, of course, there's Joey.
Joey is just another version of Derek. Joey is Derek before he became Derek, but he's really just as bad - scurvy, manipulative, pouting, unintelligible, brutal, ignorant, narcissistic, obsessed with a sibling - as well as being a far, far worse actor than Jamie Foreman would ever hope to be.
Joey's on just as wobbly a ground as his old man at the moment. After the tweenies initially got over his steroidically-enhanced underwear model's physique and imagining that he could be even as fey and nice as Dennis Rickman, they're just beginning to realise that Joey is quite the smug, little bastard. The fact that he's honing in on Walford royalty by his misguided mistreatment of Ian Beale significantly shortens his shelf-life.
Then there's yet another temptation to administer death-by-whodunnit-at-Christmas, considering the number of people who are going to be taking panto leave during January and February. Suffice it to say, if Derek dies and it's a whodunnit, a helluva lot of Walford residents are going to be on the run. The panto list runs as follows:- Ian (Adam Woodyatt), Phil (Steve McFadden), Alfie (Shane Richie), Christian (John Partridge) and Jean (Gillian Wright).
Well, Ian, Phil and Alfie would certainly have motive for topping DelBoy, and I suppose Christian could always catch him raping Syed. Jean could inadvertantly poison him with her Sausage Surprise.
Or maybe TPTB will mellow Derek out even further. Now that he's won the lock-up emporium where the Moons were squatting for business purposes, he could turn it into a realy Trotteresque operation, with Derek as a slightly more brutal DelBoy and Joey as the Rodney figure. Rodney's speech patterns would certainly suit Joey's over-sized tongue ... "Wha'we thannan thoo nahhhh, Dewek?"
Look, I buy that Derek shagged Kat, but he wasn't entirely to blame here. She consented. And I buy that Derek knows Max's dirty little secret (most likely, that he's married some Russian prozzie to save her from being deported). I buy that Derek will somehow discover that Lola's sprog is Ben's child, which will surely rile Phil, and that he'll probably get Shirley drunk and find out that Phil covered up Ben as Heather's murderer and that Jay knew about it too. And Michael and Tyler Moon will find out how he ran AntKnee out of Walford.
But, please, please ... let's not have a whodunnit. Not again. If we have to have him die, let's see him killed and let's see his killer. And let his killer be known, reported, arrested and confess to his crime. And let the killer leave for a prison sentence.
Easiest solution?
Joey and Derek argue. Joey kills Derek, witnessed by Alice. Alice, being Alice, calls the police. They come, arrest Joey, he confesses and he's led away. Derek's toast, Joey's gone. Two down from the deadwood list.
Simples.
Our Del is many things - a bully, an arrogant narcissist, violent, family-oriented, but most of all a little man with big ideas about himself (which sums up the Branning clan in its entirety, especially most of the males). It's also a fair bet to say he's Kat's shagger, because why not? The more you peel away the others' involvements elsewhere coupled with the fact that none of the other four suspects would touch touch such a clownish cartooned version of a prostitute as Kat, save Derek, who's also touched Rainie Cross.
But there are also many things of which and whom Derek is not, and there are many things for which he is not responsible. For example, he didn't rape Tanya. He never fathered Lauren. He never had an affair with Cora, which means he's neither the father of Tanya nor Rainie nor even Ava. He never had an incestuous relationship with Carol.
One thing, however, on which most viewers can agree: with Derek and with Joey, we got two Brannings too many, and those are the ones who'll have to be first out the door.
Two discussions raging now on Digital Spy and Walford Web Kindergarten are arguing just that - with a nod and a wink to yet another "whodunnit" centering around Derek's death at Christmastime.
OK, let me make myself clear. It's by no means official that Derek is even leaving, much less being killed off, either at Christmas or any other time; but ... the signs are clear that he may be departing.
Consider that :-
- Derek is the smart money to be Shaggerman
- Derek has something to do whatever Max got up to in Manchester
- Derek used Jack to help bury a body when Jack was a copper
- Derek has issues with Joey and both are seeking to control Alice
- Derek bullied Lollygag Lucy
- As Derek is involved in everything, he'll probably either find out that Lexie is Phil's granddaughter or that Phil was in on the cover-up of Heather's murder from the getgo.
I hope this isn't another "whodunnit," although the Official Self-Appointed EastEnders Cheerleader The Queen Vic, for whom nothing about EastEnders is any less than EX-cellent ("a-huh-a-huh-a-huh-oops-I-think-I-just-wet-myself-from-excitement"), is going more than a bit overboard by listing suspects for a killing that might not even happen, which include more than half the bloody cast. In fact, The Queen Vic guarantees that we're all going to be gripping the edges of our seats for another whodunnit (because we all love these, right?) at Christmastime.
I guarantee we're heading for a 'Who Killed Derek?'
After tonight's episode I am so convinced it's heading for that - he's ruining everybody's lives!
And I reckon he will be the one shagging Kat, so her and Alfie will be exposed into the mix...
And the suspects are:
Max
Jack
Carol
Whitney
Tyler
Kat
Alfie
Alice
Joey
Lucy
Anthony (return)
Tanya
Lauren
All right, here's what we know for sure:-
1. Derek has been involved in practically everything and with everybody since he surfaced last year.
2. The Brannings are going to have a big Christmas storyline (again).
3. Shane Richie says that Alfie and Kat are going to have a big Christmas storyline.
4. Perry Fenwick says that Billy and Lola are going to have a big Christmas storyline.
Best guess is that there's going to be a helluva big Christmas storyline and somehow it will concern all of the above - the Brannings, Alfie and Kat, Billy and Lola (and by extension, the Mitchells). It may even result in Derek leaving, but one thing for certain: I don't think EastEnders will be having Anthony Moon, as dynamic as he was, return for whatever purpose, so The Queen Vic can just peel those creamed knickers down from the ceiling right now.
Consider the fact that we had Yusef consumed by fire last Christmas, Pat die on New Year's Day, Heather murdered and now Shaggerman is about to be revealed, I think EastEnders' audience have been, variously, overkilled on sensationalism, the Brannings and boredom throughout the year.
Derek will go, and he'll most likely leave at Christmas; but let's have him just leave, or else get caught handling stolen goods and return to prison, as he's out on licence.
Apart from annoying 95% of the viewers, he's also managed to annoy just about everyone else in Walford, bar Sharon, and she has yet to meet him. Thus far, he's managed to piss off the following people: Tanya, Max, Roxie, Alfie, Lucy, Whitney, Tyler, Michael, Patrick, Phil, Shirley, Masood and AJ (and that was when AJ was only visiting). Have I missed anyone? Kat? Well, I daresay, he'll piss her off when she's left with a good case of the clap or something else. And, of course, there's Joey.
Joey is just another version of Derek. Joey is Derek before he became Derek, but he's really just as bad - scurvy, manipulative, pouting, unintelligible, brutal, ignorant, narcissistic, obsessed with a sibling - as well as being a far, far worse actor than Jamie Foreman would ever hope to be.
Joey's on just as wobbly a ground as his old man at the moment. After the tweenies initially got over his steroidically-enhanced underwear model's physique and imagining that he could be even as fey and nice as Dennis Rickman, they're just beginning to realise that Joey is quite the smug, little bastard. The fact that he's honing in on Walford royalty by his misguided mistreatment of Ian Beale significantly shortens his shelf-life.
Then there's yet another temptation to administer death-by-whodunnit-at-Christmas, considering the number of people who are going to be taking panto leave during January and February. Suffice it to say, if Derek dies and it's a whodunnit, a helluva lot of Walford residents are going to be on the run. The panto list runs as follows:- Ian (Adam Woodyatt), Phil (Steve McFadden), Alfie (Shane Richie), Christian (John Partridge) and Jean (Gillian Wright).
Well, Ian, Phil and Alfie would certainly have motive for topping DelBoy, and I suppose Christian could always catch him raping Syed. Jean could inadvertantly poison him with her Sausage Surprise.
Or maybe TPTB will mellow Derek out even further. Now that he's won the lock-up emporium where the Moons were squatting for business purposes, he could turn it into a realy Trotteresque operation, with Derek as a slightly more brutal DelBoy and Joey as the Rodney figure. Rodney's speech patterns would certainly suit Joey's over-sized tongue ... "Wha'we thannan thoo nahhhh, Dewek?"
Look, I buy that Derek shagged Kat, but he wasn't entirely to blame here. She consented. And I buy that Derek knows Max's dirty little secret (most likely, that he's married some Russian prozzie to save her from being deported). I buy that Derek will somehow discover that Lola's sprog is Ben's child, which will surely rile Phil, and that he'll probably get Shirley drunk and find out that Phil covered up Ben as Heather's murderer and that Jay knew about it too. And Michael and Tyler Moon will find out how he ran AntKnee out of Walford.
But, please, please ... let's not have a whodunnit. Not again. If we have to have him die, let's see him killed and let's see his killer. And let his killer be known, reported, arrested and confess to his crime. And let the killer leave for a prison sentence.
Easiest solution?
Joey and Derek argue. Joey kills Derek, witnessed by Alice. Alice, being Alice, calls the police. They come, arrest Joey, he confesses and he's led away. Derek's toast, Joey's gone. Two down from the deadwood list.
Simples.
Our Del is many things - a bully, an arrogant narcissist, violent, family-oriented, but most of all a little man with big ideas about himself (which sums up the Branning clan in its entirety, especially most of the males). It's also a fair bet to say he's Kat's shagger, because why not? The more you peel away the others' involvements elsewhere coupled with the fact that none of the other four suspects would touch touch such a clownish cartooned version of a prostitute as Kat, save Derek, who's also touched Rainie Cross.
But there are also many things of which and whom Derek is not, and there are many things for which he is not responsible. For example, he didn't rape Tanya. He never fathered Lauren. He never had an affair with Cora, which means he's neither the father of Tanya nor Rainie nor even Ava. He never had an incestuous relationship with Carol.
One thing, however, on which most viewers can agree: with Derek and with Joey, we got two Brannings too many, and those are the ones who'll have to be first out the door.
Dont think I would like a Christmas in Walford. Someone usually dies, someone is usually born, if not Christmas day, then New Years, and if that cant be managed then a wedding gets thrown in. Christmas lunch usually involves some big crisis, or Mo chasing the turkey round the square.
ReplyDeleteProfessor Plum
No, forget about dragging a story out for six months, or next time you need a ratings booster. Lets just send Derek out for a drive, he is arguing with Joey who is in the passenger seat, with Tanya in the back. There is a major car crash, we see all the bodies carted off, including Kats, as she was hiding in the boot. Now all we need is snow, and theres your perfect Christmas, Walford style.