After Friday's episode, I began to feel more and more as if this programme is turning away from Walford and into Branningville.
Seriously, has there ever been a family as big in size as the Brannings and their assorted satellites? Although Carol was the first to arrive, she was never thought of as a Branning, always as a Jackson. She was estranged from her family as they were a lot of thugs and racists.
Then lovely-jubbly curmudgeonly old Jim arrived, repentant of his racist ways, to become the BFF of Patrick Truman. Then came Bradley, a grandson. Then Max and his second family, followed by Jack, then Suzy (who left), Bianca and her brood (now closer to the Brannings), Carol again, Derek, and now Derek's two kids, Alice and Joey. April did a short stint years ago, and don't forget that Suzy's got kids floating around someplace.
That's not to mention their dubious satellites - Cora and Rainie.
Currently, the Brannings are featuring in almost every major storyline on the go at the moment.
Cora delivered Lola the Chav Queen's baby. Cora has been revealed to have had a child whilst in her late teens, sparking speculation that the long-lost daughter could be Sharon, Shirley, Zainab or Lola's mother. Ne'mind the age discrepancy or the fact that Sharon's already met her mother or that Zainab was born in Pakistan. (It could be Shirley, though).
Joey's moved in with Lucy - ostensibly to get her to eat a square meal, since she's a walking advertisement for anorexia. We know he's really moved in with her to spite his old man and also because she's a meal ticket, if you like the idea of having sex with a female Skeletor. I'm surprised his steroidically-enhanced body isn't black and blue from protruding bones cutting into flesh, and I'm even more surprised she's not been snapped in two. So Joey is going to call the shots to keep Ian out of house and home, and maybe to do him out of his businesses.
Max and Tanya were involved in finding Ian, after Lauren initially saw him.
Alice Branning is mooning about about a Moon.
There's a sixty percent chance that the Mystery Shagger is a Branning, although I think that the only one of that triumvirate who'd even go near a dirty slut like Kat is at the moment would be Derek.
Derek is involved with just about everything - he's bullied poor, skinny-assed Lucy, befriended Ben, tussled with Phil, been scammed by Alfie, and beaten up Michael Moon. They seem to have left off involving him with Ben's murder reveal, but in its aftermath, if Shirley splits with Phil, I can only see her snogging and sleeping with Derek, who'll pass onto her the STD he caught off Kat.
Venereal Disease Epidemic in Walford!
Even when Sharon returns, she's being plopped right in amongst the Brannings -befriending Tanya, bantering with Max and snogging Jack the Peg.
We all remember how Pat's death was turned into a BranningFest - reiterating Tanya's cancer cold (where Pat's dying became all about Tanya), recreating a bike shed bonk between two teenagers into a veritable East End Romeo and Juliet, contriving for David Wicks and Carol to remember their chance encounter as the love affair of a lifetime (which it wasn't), and finishing with Pat's funeral being all about the Brannings' shared hatred of David Wicks, effectively running him out of Walford.
There was something symbolically Kirkwoodian in that - watching David - the son of Pete Beale and the stepson of Frank Butcher being goaded out of Walford by some cheap, sleazy thugs in suits. It was as if Kirkwood were thumbing his nose at the past and forcing Branning love upon us. He even turned a dishonest, old drunken lag of a mother of Tanya (another closet alcoholic) into the natural successor of Pat.
Bollocks.
Kirkwood's gone and Jo Joyner is leaving. Didja hear that? Leaving.
When one refuses to renew one's contract, one calls it a day at one's job. Jo Joyner did just that. She's leaving. She may say she's returning sometime in the near future, but really, that's down to the Executive Producer and how much she's needed. Tanya's never been a woman who could exist without a man in her life and has never achieved anything except through sleeping with a man. She's got Max now, and it's only a matter of time before he's done the dirty again and the whole inevitable cycle begins again. Reuniting Kirkwood's favourite couple has boxed them into a corner.
I have sneaking suspicions of my own as to why Ms Joyner is leaving, and her children definitely has something to do with it; but she's going, and there's a possibility she may not return.
I don't think Jamie Foreman has a long shelf-life there either, and I think the actor is enough of a pro to realise that. That's two down.
Jack the Peg ought to be next. Please, let's stop hiring models unless they're given a screen test first. Jack reprised his role on The Bill under a different name and together he and Ronnie became a poor man's Steve and Mel. He has children to visit.
I don't miss Carol and Bianca in the least. Lindsey Coulsen's a brilliant actress, but she's only given the opportunity to shine a couple of times a year, and that's still a couple of times more than Diane Parrish (an equally strong actress) has. Patsy Palmer pisstakes the show anyway. Lorraine Newman should show her the door and concentrate on actors who are serious about the show.
Joey Branning can go. Let art imitate life and have him get a job as a catalogue model. Alice can move in with Max and the kids. Brannings pared. Simples.
John Yorke's prime mistake as EP was introducing the Slaters, billing them as the biggest family since the Beales and one who would inherit their importance. He devoted an entire episode to introducing them and promptly slotted them into every major storyline on the show. Within five years, most of them had left, except the minor players, and we were on the Slaters Mach II. Now, the only ones who are left are non-Slaters - Mo Harris and Jean, who's annoying and a Slater by marriage.
I think it's time the show ceased to become a vehicle for justifying the continuing presence of the Brannings and found its mojo again.
That means I don't want to see Kazia Pelka or anyone appearing as Derek's bloody wife.
Seriously, has there ever been a family as big in size as the Brannings and their assorted satellites? Although Carol was the first to arrive, she was never thought of as a Branning, always as a Jackson. She was estranged from her family as they were a lot of thugs and racists.
Then lovely-jubbly curmudgeonly old Jim arrived, repentant of his racist ways, to become the BFF of Patrick Truman. Then came Bradley, a grandson. Then Max and his second family, followed by Jack, then Suzy (who left), Bianca and her brood (now closer to the Brannings), Carol again, Derek, and now Derek's two kids, Alice and Joey. April did a short stint years ago, and don't forget that Suzy's got kids floating around someplace.
That's not to mention their dubious satellites - Cora and Rainie.
Currently, the Brannings are featuring in almost every major storyline on the go at the moment.
Cora delivered Lola the Chav Queen's baby. Cora has been revealed to have had a child whilst in her late teens, sparking speculation that the long-lost daughter could be Sharon, Shirley, Zainab or Lola's mother. Ne'mind the age discrepancy or the fact that Sharon's already met her mother or that Zainab was born in Pakistan. (It could be Shirley, though).
Joey's moved in with Lucy - ostensibly to get her to eat a square meal, since she's a walking advertisement for anorexia. We know he's really moved in with her to spite his old man and also because she's a meal ticket, if you like the idea of having sex with a female Skeletor. I'm surprised his steroidically-enhanced body isn't black and blue from protruding bones cutting into flesh, and I'm even more surprised she's not been snapped in two. So Joey is going to call the shots to keep Ian out of house and home, and maybe to do him out of his businesses.
Max and Tanya were involved in finding Ian, after Lauren initially saw him.
Alice Branning is mooning about about a Moon.
There's a sixty percent chance that the Mystery Shagger is a Branning, although I think that the only one of that triumvirate who'd even go near a dirty slut like Kat is at the moment would be Derek.
Derek is involved with just about everything - he's bullied poor, skinny-assed Lucy, befriended Ben, tussled with Phil, been scammed by Alfie, and beaten up Michael Moon. They seem to have left off involving him with Ben's murder reveal, but in its aftermath, if Shirley splits with Phil, I can only see her snogging and sleeping with Derek, who'll pass onto her the STD he caught off Kat.
Venereal Disease Epidemic in Walford!
Even when Sharon returns, she's being plopped right in amongst the Brannings -befriending Tanya, bantering with Max and snogging Jack the Peg.
We all remember how Pat's death was turned into a BranningFest - reiterating Tanya's cancer cold (where Pat's dying became all about Tanya), recreating a bike shed bonk between two teenagers into a veritable East End Romeo and Juliet, contriving for David Wicks and Carol to remember their chance encounter as the love affair of a lifetime (which it wasn't), and finishing with Pat's funeral being all about the Brannings' shared hatred of David Wicks, effectively running him out of Walford.
There was something symbolically Kirkwoodian in that - watching David - the son of Pete Beale and the stepson of Frank Butcher being goaded out of Walford by some cheap, sleazy thugs in suits. It was as if Kirkwood were thumbing his nose at the past and forcing Branning love upon us. He even turned a dishonest, old drunken lag of a mother of Tanya (another closet alcoholic) into the natural successor of Pat.
Bollocks.
Kirkwood's gone and Jo Joyner is leaving. Didja hear that? Leaving.
When one refuses to renew one's contract, one calls it a day at one's job. Jo Joyner did just that. She's leaving. She may say she's returning sometime in the near future, but really, that's down to the Executive Producer and how much she's needed. Tanya's never been a woman who could exist without a man in her life and has never achieved anything except through sleeping with a man. She's got Max now, and it's only a matter of time before he's done the dirty again and the whole inevitable cycle begins again. Reuniting Kirkwood's favourite couple has boxed them into a corner.
I have sneaking suspicions of my own as to why Ms Joyner is leaving, and her children definitely has something to do with it; but she's going, and there's a possibility she may not return.
I don't think Jamie Foreman has a long shelf-life there either, and I think the actor is enough of a pro to realise that. That's two down.
Jack the Peg ought to be next. Please, let's stop hiring models unless they're given a screen test first. Jack reprised his role on The Bill under a different name and together he and Ronnie became a poor man's Steve and Mel. He has children to visit.
I don't miss Carol and Bianca in the least. Lindsey Coulsen's a brilliant actress, but she's only given the opportunity to shine a couple of times a year, and that's still a couple of times more than Diane Parrish (an equally strong actress) has. Patsy Palmer pisstakes the show anyway. Lorraine Newman should show her the door and concentrate on actors who are serious about the show.
Joey Branning can go. Let art imitate life and have him get a job as a catalogue model. Alice can move in with Max and the kids. Brannings pared. Simples.
John Yorke's prime mistake as EP was introducing the Slaters, billing them as the biggest family since the Beales and one who would inherit their importance. He devoted an entire episode to introducing them and promptly slotted them into every major storyline on the show. Within five years, most of them had left, except the minor players, and we were on the Slaters Mach II. Now, the only ones who are left are non-Slaters - Mo Harris and Jean, who's annoying and a Slater by marriage.
I think it's time the show ceased to become a vehicle for justifying the continuing presence of the Brannings and found its mojo again.
That means I don't want to see Kazia Pelka or anyone appearing as Derek's bloody wife.
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