Christmas Crackers Already?

It's only August already and the wee people on the Digital Spy forum are speculating about Christmas storylines.

Really, it's not rocket science, and hints have been being thrown out.

First of all, since well before the BSA Awards, it's been bandied about that the Brannings (who else?) would be having the biggest turkey of a storyline for Christmas. As Jamie Foreman modestly disclosed at the BSA after-party, "something big" happens.

Well, that could be any one of a number of things, amongst the following:-

- Derek is killed and we've got another "whodunnit" (when the culprit will most likely be his steroid-chomping, tongue-lolling son)

- Max's Manchester secret is disclosed (which is probably that he's effected a marriage of convenience with an Eastern European prostitute from which he's trying to extricate himself)

- Tanya leaves to look for her missing sister, who isn't really dead, after all. (Look, Tanya's leaving, and I reckon this is slated for New Year's Day).

- Lauren inhales her upper lip and suffocates.

- All of the above.

Also, recently, Perry Fenwick has hinted that a Christmas storyline will concern Lola, and that's not hard to decipher, especially since Fenwick has also hinted that Billy would be at odds with the other Mitchells.

Phil Mitchell discovers that Lola's baby is his grandchild and begins the mother of all custody suits, which will eventually entail Billy ferretting (pun intended) Lola out of Walford with the baby in tow. Why do I reckon that? Simply because Lola hasn't worked as a character, and Danielle Harold is one of the weakest actors currently in the programme.

This will also lead to a massive search for her during the months of January and February, which may account for Phil's and possibly Sharon's absences due to the actors' commitments to pantomime. Since Adam Woodyatt's doing panto also, maybe Ian goes on the run when Lollylipped Joey fingers him for Derek's death. Just sayin'.

And as things happen in threes, Shane Richie has also hinted at big things happening at Christmas concerning the Moons.

(Yawn).

Look, we've been told that Shaggerman's going to be revealed in the autumn, probably when the loose ends of Ben's departure and Sharon's return have been tied up. Considering what Richie's said, it looks as if the viewers just get to see that it's Derek that someone's been shafting Kat and that this tawdry affair carries on until Christmas when Alfie finds out. If that's the case and people haven't turned off in droves then, maybe it will see the overdue departure of the miserable Jessie Wallace. As Shane Richie's doing panto too, then maybe Alfie will have to take himself off someplace to recuperate from the shock at knowing his wife has been doubling as the Walford Mattress.

I've been waiting for Lorraine Newman to prove herself by pruning the deadwood. Maybe she's waiting for Christmas to give us all something for which the wait was worth it.

Fingers crossed.