Well, that was short and sweet, wasn't it? The EastEnders' revival, I mean.
Memo to Lorraine Newman:Sack Richard Lazarus. No, I'm not that harsh. Give him a warning. Many - and that means, most - viewers find the pseudo-teen element cringeworthy. In fact, we find those scenes with those talentless, part-time drama school wannabes and former models who look starved or spaced out on steroids fucking awful! And tonight, we had them crammed down our throats, yet again. Apart from Alice, whom Bully of the Week Nurse Ratchit, Matron of Walford Web kindergarten abhors, the others aren't worth the skin off a rat's arse - in fact, a rat probably has more skin on its arse than Lollygag Lucy has on hers.
I know the morons were only in a couple of scenes, but those scenes were over-the-top, over-acted and overdone, and those scenes stick in the gullets of most viewers and make them p-u-k-e.
You know, tonight's episode showed exactly why EastEnders stank rankly for the first three months of this year. Tonight, we had those few brief and quirky scenes with Janine and Michael, which were entertaining and intriguing, and really should have been explored more; instead, we got the longer, garish scenes of the One-Brain-Celled Brigade of youngster, culminating in the fact that this is inevitably leading to the sad demise of Shitney.
Really, Lorraine, who gives a fuck? Yes, I know Steve McFadden, Shane Richie, John Partridge and Gillian Wright were off-screen in January and February due to panto. Yes, I knowCoco the Clown Jessie Wallace was suspended on "break" during those months.
But Steve John Shepherd and Charlie Brooks weren't, and their characters were starting a serious relationship. Instead, we got Shitney and balloons.
First of all, that group of "teens" range in age from AntKnee (who's 26) and Toad Jnr the Priapic Pinocchio (age 25) down to down to Lollygag, Lauren and Alice, all of whom are 18 and little more than schoolgirls. What the hell are those two dolts in their mid-twenties doing hanging out with numpties like those girls.
Secondly, apart from Alice and maybe Poppy, none of those kids are likeable in the least. I remember the original group of teens, like Michelle, Ian and Sharon - even the second generation of teens (Bianca, Ricky, Natalie and Tiffany) and the third (Sonia and Janine). Every one of those people had hopes, dreams and aspirations. Michelle and Sonia were single teenaged mums, who battled against all sorts of odds to get a university education and professional qualifications. Ricky and Jamie got a trade; Ian became an entrepreneur; Bianca and Tiffany became wives and mothers.
This lot have no such ambitions or, indeed, any drive - especially Lauren, Lucy and Whitney. Poppy and Alice, at least, have jobs. But the other three are three of the most spoiled, the rudest and the most entitled characters I've ever seen on this show. Lauren and Lucy have always been spoiled. Tanya did everything for Lauren except wipe her arse, and defended all her misbehavings against Max. She is another fucking putrid little madam who accepts no responsibility and thinks the world owes her a living. She wants to be treated like an adult, but she dropped out of school and expects her parents to pay her way. The example was there to be seen tonight. Tanya takes Oscar clothes-shopping and leaves money for Lauren to enjoy herself. So she throws a party and digs into the booze. Surprise surprise.
Apart from Lucy, who's on her wavelength in spoiled, bad upbringing and entitlement, I seriously doubt Lauren has any friends. Her booze-infested big mouth ruined the party atmosphere so much tonight that none of the others even wanted to stick around her, so we're left at the end with an image of her, sat on the floor, gulping booze down on her own ... just like Yummy Mummy before her and ASBO Granny, the Non-Matriarch before even her.
Please, someone, spare us from Jacqueline Jossa's abundant over-acting and fucking gurning! We have SOUND. This is FILM, it's not the stage where such exaggerated expression is the norm. This girl, after a promising start, has devolved into a very bad actress - and sometimes she looks as if she's going to inhale her upper lip and choke. Maybe it would be best if she did.
As for Lollygag, the
she and Toad Jr are spoiling to be the first of the youngsters to have someone smack the shit out of both of them. They were both rude and dismissive of Ian tonight, making him feel like an intruder in his own home. Shades of his former self, when he warned Toad Jr, who promptly let the audience know how he's manipulated Stick Insect into believing Ian was a bad father - bad daddy, Ian! Therefore he, in Toad Jr's horny little mind, deserves to be treated with contempt.
Was Ian a bad father? In a word, yes; but in the wrong way. Ian, like Tanya the Yummy Mummy, spoiled his kids rotten. Between wives, he left them with Auntie Pauline or Nana Pat, whilst he built and rebuilt his empire. When they got old enough to engage with him, he was still busy, this time with Jane - so his idea of a peaceful life was throwing money at them and getting them anything they wanted. Lucy has been a snide and disrespecting little madam since adolescence, and she was encouraged in this attitude by Uncle Christian.
Now, they tell Ian to pull his weight? Who the fuck are these people. Memo to LollyGag Luce: Joey doesn't love you. He likes the fact that he has a place, rent-free, in which to live and a bag of bones sitting on his codpiece every night, but he is going to fleece you rotten. You were afraid of his old man? You ain't seen nothing yet. He'll leave you with nothing and whose fault will that be?
We saw just how savvy Lucy's business skills were tonight, if the inaction in the cafe was anything to go by. (Marie spoke!) All it took was Ian's nous to kick in and things were buzzing. I'll bet business was lagging slow due to her charm and winning manner - wait! Didn't she win a cook-off the other week, and that wasn't publicity enough to turn the caff around?
Oh, and I assume Toad Jr isn't in viable employment at the moment since we learned that the R and R, until now, has been closed.
I wondered how long before Shitney would get her tongue into Toad Jr's mouth. Well, he's a bad boy and Tyler's become the boring good boy - and that showed what a bitch Lucy was tonight to text that picture to Tyler. When Toad Jr left before Lucy and she Lollygagged behind, I was hoping there'd be a scene of Tyler running into Toad-Boy and knocking the living shit out of him.
Funny, we've only ever seen Joey smack down some little, drunk kids and fist Derek. He took Derek by surprise and punched down on the kids. I reckon Joey is one big pussy. Probably Oscar and Dennis could sort him out ... individually.
Oh, and memo to vald on Digital Spy Soaps' Forum:-
Cut the shit, trying to appear hip and relevant in attempting to defend the indefensible shitstorm that's Hollyoaks Walford Division. You are neither hip nor relevant. You are, however, an old troll. Back under the bridge with the booze for you ...
The really interesting part tonight was watching Phil's little universe crumble all around him as the remnants of the Mitchell clan fall apart. Phil's paying the price for his undying devotion to Ben instead of making him own up to what he'd done wrong.
He's alone, and he's frightened; and just like Sharon said in the other episode, his first instinct is to push people away and demand total familial loyalty from his "fairmly." Roxy lies for him and bears the consequences - the stares and gossiping of the locals who wonder if she knew of the cover-up all along, and if she did, how she could bear to stay in that house with her child. Ben was almost responsible for Amy getting killed - something for which he never apologised: again, and "accident." She leaves.
Shirley's sussed Phil too, and now she reads him like a book. Now, Phil can tell her easily how much he loves her and how often; but the words ring hollow with Shirley. She knows Phil's afraid of being alone, but more importantly, he wants to keep Shirley onside because he's afraid she'll tell the police about his part in the cover-up. And that means Phil going to prison too.
I fail to understand Phil's arrogance in thinking that Shirley would want to stay with him after what Ben had done, after what Phil had done and after she'd found out. How can he even imagine she could love him after this, when she's known for months, long before Heather died, that he didn't love her? This revelation is just icing on a rancid cake for her.
Yes, Phil's afraid of that, but he's still worried about getting Ben out of custody and seeing him. Ben won't see Phil, His only hope for seeing him is to manipulate Ian into a guilt-trip over Ben; because Ian is still vulnerable, and all the progress Ian had made tonight back working in the caff was rendered useless after his little "talk" with Phil.
And this is Phil's biggest weakness: from the cradle, Phil's always been dependent on feminine guidance. Sharon, Kathy, mostly Peggy and now Shirley. Someone made the observation late last year that the Shirley-Phil dynamic was more like the old Phil-Grant dynamic, with Shirley assuming the role of Phil pre-1999 and Phil assuming the rold of Grant. Mostly, Phil's mother and at least two of his female associates have had a steadying hand on Phil; but Peggy threw in the towel, and now, for good reason, Shirley has also.
And, yes, there is an element of jealous suspicion coming to fruition in Shirley's attitude toward Sharon. It's obvious from tonight that Sharon is going to be instrumental in Phil's redemption; however, once again, the writing was skewed for Sharon tonight. It was really "off" in a weird way, and, again, we had this weird dynamic between her and Janine that just isn't right, considering the fact that Janine has always been around when Sharon's been on the show, and the two know each other.
The last scene in the pub with Sharon was just strange - when she smiled a silly smile and held up an orange juice for Phil - as well as the scene when he gave her the keys to the club and told her Shirley had gone. She remarked about Phil being alone in a big house whilst she and her son were cramped in the B and B - a very broad hint to let her move in, and that's something Sharon would never do, even if she were on her uppers - which makes the pub scene perhaps the setting for her cosying him up with an OJ and some chat to soften him up for moving in. Again, that's not Sharon's forte. But then again, this writing team leaves a lot to be desired in knowing EastEnders' history.
The duff-duffs, with the stand-off between Jay and Phil, after Phil united with Patrick to protect Jay from the walking ManBoob Andrew, were rather pointless. What did they mean? Would Jay jump back into the Mitchell fold? Would he continue to fear and distrust Phil? What?
The other strong scenes tonight were those with Patrick and anyone. It looks as though Lorraine Newman's thrown Kirkwood's ideas for Instant Matriarch Makeover from ASBO Granny to the curb where it belongs - with the dogshit. Instead, she's concentrating on a beloved and familiar figure - Patrick -easing him into the wise old man of Walford mode. Good for him for standing up for his principles to Denise. The B and B is also his home, and he's taken responsibility for Jay's safekeeping. At the same time, Denise was good for being honest with Jay about her duty to Shirley. I'm glad Newman's pushing this friendship.
Finally, Michael and Janine: Janine is hormonal and I do think she's suffering from PND. She's also reeling from the events which happened on her wedding day - Jean's awful remark, Cora's bullying - and now Kat's rank skanky remark of last week. I do think Michael loves her, and their quirkiness still is immensely watchable, and fobbing Billy off with the baby was funny; but there's no doubt Charlie Brooks will be missed and missed sorely.
Meantime, this song sums up tonight's episode ...
Memo to Lorraine Newman:
I know the morons were only in a couple of scenes, but those scenes were over-the-top, over-acted and overdone, and those scenes stick in the gullets of most viewers and make them p-u-k-e.
You know, tonight's episode showed exactly why EastEnders stank rankly for the first three months of this year. Tonight, we had those few brief and quirky scenes with Janine and Michael, which were entertaining and intriguing, and really should have been explored more; instead, we got the longer, garish scenes of the One-Brain-Celled Brigade of youngster, culminating in the fact that this is inevitably leading to the sad demise of Shitney.
Really, Lorraine, who gives a fuck? Yes, I know Steve McFadden, Shane Richie, John Partridge and Gillian Wright were off-screen in January and February due to panto. Yes, I know
But Steve John Shepherd and Charlie Brooks weren't, and their characters were starting a serious relationship. Instead, we got Shitney and balloons.
First of all, that group of "teens" range in age from AntKnee (who's 26) and Toad Jnr the Priapic Pinocchio (age 25) down to down to Lollygag, Lauren and Alice, all of whom are 18 and little more than schoolgirls. What the hell are those two dolts in their mid-twenties doing hanging out with numpties like those girls.
Secondly, apart from Alice and maybe Poppy, none of those kids are likeable in the least. I remember the original group of teens, like Michelle, Ian and Sharon - even the second generation of teens (Bianca, Ricky, Natalie and Tiffany) and the third (Sonia and Janine). Every one of those people had hopes, dreams and aspirations. Michelle and Sonia were single teenaged mums, who battled against all sorts of odds to get a university education and professional qualifications. Ricky and Jamie got a trade; Ian became an entrepreneur; Bianca and Tiffany became wives and mothers.
This lot have no such ambitions or, indeed, any drive - especially Lauren, Lucy and Whitney. Poppy and Alice, at least, have jobs. But the other three are three of the most spoiled, the rudest and the most entitled characters I've ever seen on this show. Lauren and Lucy have always been spoiled. Tanya did everything for Lauren except wipe her arse, and defended all her misbehavings against Max. She is another fucking putrid little madam who accepts no responsibility and thinks the world owes her a living. She wants to be treated like an adult, but she dropped out of school and expects her parents to pay her way. The example was there to be seen tonight. Tanya takes Oscar clothes-shopping and leaves money for Lauren to enjoy herself. So she throws a party and digs into the booze. Surprise surprise.
Apart from Lucy, who's on her wavelength in spoiled, bad upbringing and entitlement, I seriously doubt Lauren has any friends. Her booze-infested big mouth ruined the party atmosphere so much tonight that none of the others even wanted to stick around her, so we're left at the end with an image of her, sat on the floor, gulping booze down on her own ... just like Yummy Mummy before her and ASBO Granny, the Non-Matriarch before even her.
Please, someone, spare us from Jacqueline Jossa's abundant over-acting and fucking gurning! We have SOUND. This is FILM, it's not the stage where such exaggerated expression is the norm. This girl, after a promising start, has devolved into a very bad actress - and sometimes she looks as if she's going to inhale her upper lip and choke. Maybe it would be best if she did.
As for Lollygag, the
Was Ian a bad father? In a word, yes; but in the wrong way. Ian, like Tanya the Yummy Mummy, spoiled his kids rotten. Between wives, he left them with Auntie Pauline or Nana Pat, whilst he built and rebuilt his empire. When they got old enough to engage with him, he was still busy, this time with Jane - so his idea of a peaceful life was throwing money at them and getting them anything they wanted. Lucy has been a snide and disrespecting little madam since adolescence, and she was encouraged in this attitude by Uncle Christian.
Now, they tell Ian to pull his weight? Who the fuck are these people. Memo to LollyGag Luce: Joey doesn't love you. He likes the fact that he has a place, rent-free, in which to live and a bag of bones sitting on his codpiece every night, but he is going to fleece you rotten. You were afraid of his old man? You ain't seen nothing yet. He'll leave you with nothing and whose fault will that be?
We saw just how savvy Lucy's business skills were tonight, if the inaction in the cafe was anything to go by. (Marie spoke!) All it took was Ian's nous to kick in and things were buzzing. I'll bet business was lagging slow due to her charm and winning manner - wait! Didn't she win a cook-off the other week, and that wasn't publicity enough to turn the caff around?
Oh, and I assume Toad Jr isn't in viable employment at the moment since we learned that the R and R, until now, has been closed.
I wondered how long before Shitney would get her tongue into Toad Jr's mouth. Well, he's a bad boy and Tyler's become the boring good boy - and that showed what a bitch Lucy was tonight to text that picture to Tyler. When Toad Jr left before Lucy and she Lollygagged behind, I was hoping there'd be a scene of Tyler running into Toad-Boy and knocking the living shit out of him.
Funny, we've only ever seen Joey smack down some little, drunk kids and fist Derek. He took Derek by surprise and punched down on the kids. I reckon Joey is one big pussy. Probably Oscar and Dennis could sort him out ... individually.
Oh, and memo to vald on Digital Spy Soaps' Forum:-
Cut the shit, trying to appear hip and relevant in attempting to defend the indefensible shitstorm that's Hollyoaks Walford Division. You are neither hip nor relevant. You are, however, an old troll. Back under the bridge with the booze for you ...
The really interesting part tonight was watching Phil's little universe crumble all around him as the remnants of the Mitchell clan fall apart. Phil's paying the price for his undying devotion to Ben instead of making him own up to what he'd done wrong.
He's alone, and he's frightened; and just like Sharon said in the other episode, his first instinct is to push people away and demand total familial loyalty from his "fairmly." Roxy lies for him and bears the consequences - the stares and gossiping of the locals who wonder if she knew of the cover-up all along, and if she did, how she could bear to stay in that house with her child. Ben was almost responsible for Amy getting killed - something for which he never apologised: again, and "accident." She leaves.
Shirley's sussed Phil too, and now she reads him like a book. Now, Phil can tell her easily how much he loves her and how often; but the words ring hollow with Shirley. She knows Phil's afraid of being alone, but more importantly, he wants to keep Shirley onside because he's afraid she'll tell the police about his part in the cover-up. And that means Phil going to prison too.
I fail to understand Phil's arrogance in thinking that Shirley would want to stay with him after what Ben had done, after what Phil had done and after she'd found out. How can he even imagine she could love him after this, when she's known for months, long before Heather died, that he didn't love her? This revelation is just icing on a rancid cake for her.
Yes, Phil's afraid of that, but he's still worried about getting Ben out of custody and seeing him. Ben won't see Phil, His only hope for seeing him is to manipulate Ian into a guilt-trip over Ben; because Ian is still vulnerable, and all the progress Ian had made tonight back working in the caff was rendered useless after his little "talk" with Phil.
And this is Phil's biggest weakness: from the cradle, Phil's always been dependent on feminine guidance. Sharon, Kathy, mostly Peggy and now Shirley. Someone made the observation late last year that the Shirley-Phil dynamic was more like the old Phil-Grant dynamic, with Shirley assuming the role of Phil pre-1999 and Phil assuming the rold of Grant. Mostly, Phil's mother and at least two of his female associates have had a steadying hand on Phil; but Peggy threw in the towel, and now, for good reason, Shirley has also.
And, yes, there is an element of jealous suspicion coming to fruition in Shirley's attitude toward Sharon. It's obvious from tonight that Sharon is going to be instrumental in Phil's redemption; however, once again, the writing was skewed for Sharon tonight. It was really "off" in a weird way, and, again, we had this weird dynamic between her and Janine that just isn't right, considering the fact that Janine has always been around when Sharon's been on the show, and the two know each other.
The last scene in the pub with Sharon was just strange - when she smiled a silly smile and held up an orange juice for Phil - as well as the scene when he gave her the keys to the club and told her Shirley had gone. She remarked about Phil being alone in a big house whilst she and her son were cramped in the B and B - a very broad hint to let her move in, and that's something Sharon would never do, even if she were on her uppers - which makes the pub scene perhaps the setting for her cosying him up with an OJ and some chat to soften him up for moving in. Again, that's not Sharon's forte. But then again, this writing team leaves a lot to be desired in knowing EastEnders' history.
The duff-duffs, with the stand-off between Jay and Phil, after Phil united with Patrick to protect Jay from the walking ManBoob Andrew, were rather pointless. What did they mean? Would Jay jump back into the Mitchell fold? Would he continue to fear and distrust Phil? What?
The other strong scenes tonight were those with Patrick and anyone. It looks as though Lorraine Newman's thrown Kirkwood's ideas for Instant Matriarch Makeover from ASBO Granny to the curb where it belongs - with the dogshit. Instead, she's concentrating on a beloved and familiar figure - Patrick -easing him into the wise old man of Walford mode. Good for him for standing up for his principles to Denise. The B and B is also his home, and he's taken responsibility for Jay's safekeeping. At the same time, Denise was good for being honest with Jay about her duty to Shirley. I'm glad Newman's pushing this friendship.
Finally, Michael and Janine: Janine is hormonal and I do think she's suffering from PND. She's also reeling from the events which happened on her wedding day - Jean's awful remark, Cora's bullying - and now Kat's rank skanky remark of last week. I do think Michael loves her, and their quirkiness still is immensely watchable, and fobbing Billy off with the baby was funny; but there's no doubt Charlie Brooks will be missed and missed sorely.
Meantime, this song sums up tonight's episode ...
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